We've never run a poll to determine the film role in which a woman looked most beautiful, but if we did, this would have to be on the short list. What a face she had! A couple of zipped  .avi videos of Kelly Le Brock! (1, 2)

Kelly virtually stopped acting from 1996-2004, but I understand she's back at it now, full steam ahead, with three upcoming roles. She's 46 now, and I haven't seen her in years.

A couple of scans:

I was hoping that one of the scanning wizards like Blackshine would get this month's Allure. I suppose one of them will work on it in a day or two. In the meantime, I dragged out my ancient, unused scanner and my rusty photoshop skills to look at the nudes in this issue. Here are two of them: Jenna Elfman, who has never posed nude or appeared nude in a film; and Elizabeth Perkins, who has not done much nudity, and looks marvelous at age 45.

Jenna Elfman

Elizabeth Perkins

 

Other Crap:

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

Don't Go Near the Park (1981)

Lawrence D. Foldes had a desire to make a horror film; an accountant father who raised enough investment money ($100k) for a modest indie film; and an intriguing true story of people, mostly children, disappearing in LA's Griffith Park. This is what led to the film best known as Don't Go Near the Park, but which IMDb calls Sanctuary of Evil.

Honestly, the story is very hard to follow, as this film was neither well conceived nor competently made. Fortunately, the DVD has a commentary from director Foldes and Linnea Quigley, and they explain the plot. It takes place in three time periods:

• In prehistoric times, there was a culture that used a cannibalistic ritual to preserve youth, but when two of their number started eating children in their own clan, they were given a thousand year punishment to age even more rapidly, but never die, until their one chance at redemption, when they would have the chance to offer a virgin, descended from the clan, as a sacrifice.
• Cut to 16 years ago, when one of the pair (Aldo Ray) meets, marries, beds and impregnates a young woman (Linnea Quigley). Once baby Bondi is born, Ray loses interest in Quigley.
• Cut to the present. Bondi  (Tamara Taylor) is now 16, and her parents have a huge fight. Bondi splits, but ends up at a ranch in Griffith Park, where she meets a young man who will become her love interest, and the prehistoric woman who was exiled with her father. That is pretty much it, other than several scenes where the prehistorics rip open the stomachs of victims and eat their organs.

The most notable thing about this effort was an early appearance by Linnea Quigley. Linnea does full frontal nudity in a deleted scene, and again behind a glass shower door, and she also provides some topless eye candy in an after-sex scene. The film was originally given an X rating. The full frontal, however, was cut from the first video distribution version, as were some of the more gruesome of the cannibal scenes, and some additional nudity from both Tamara Taylor (breasts in a rape scene) and Cambra Foldes (breasts as a victim). Even after all those cuts, the expurgated version was banned from the UK! The DVD restores all the cuts and the extra features even include some deleted footage, which includes more topless scenes with Tamara Taylor.

Foldes was amused when he started researching the film on the Internet, and discovered analysis after analysis of the symbolism he had put into this film. In his own words, it was simply an attempt to make a movie with nudity and gore, with no intended deep meaning at all.

The film has a cult following of horror fanatics and Linnea fans, but is of no general interest and is hence a C- on our scale.

IMDb readers say 2.9.

Linnea Quigley

Tamara Taylor

Cambra Foldes

The Killing Time (1987)

Kiefer Sutherland kills someone as the film opens, and assumes the victim's identity. The man had been on his way to a new assignment as a sheriff's deputy in the sleepy California coastal town of Santa Alba, a place so peaceful the officers are seldom armed and keep their weapons in a gun cabinet. A big day is making a local pot grower burn his crop, which is an annual event. Sheriff Joe Don Baker is retiring, and deputy Beau Bridges, the current deputy, is to take his place, thus creating the vacancy Kiefer is to fill. Sutherland has an agenda in Saint Alba, but we know nothing about it. Meanwhile, Beau Bridges is stuck on his High School sweetheart, Camelia Kath, who is married to an abusive developer husband. Bridges and Kath decide to murder the husband and frame Sutherland. Of course, nothing goes as planned.

The pot-growing scene is very believable of Northern California, but it is difficult for me to believe that, even in 1987, there was a California town this sleepy. Setting that aside, the real problem with the film is that the story inherently lacks action, and the script is structured so that nothing is ever in doubt for very long. The Killing Time was supposed to be a taut thriller but, despite the presence of three screenwriters, nobody remembered to add the tautness.

The highlight of the film, for me, was the lighthouse used in the plot. It is the Cabrillo Point Light, which I have photographed.

IMDb readers say 5.2. The Washington Post was decidedly unkind. This is a C-, only palatable to genre fanatics.

 

Camelia Kath, who later married Sutherland, shows breasts and buns.

Franka Potente

Brainscan returns with a few more video clips from "Satin Smoke".

Today's Smokee is the single-named but amply bosomed Paulanne.

(1, 2, 3)

 

"Maury Povich Show" producer Bianca Nardi has filed a $40 million sexual harassment lawsuit against the sleazy talk show host.  She claims the workplace was permeated with booze, porn videos and parties filled with open sexual activity...that Povich had a longtime sexual relationship with a staff member that created an abusive environment for women...and that she was forced to tape the boobs of female guests to make them look bigger, to expose her breasts and have them photographed on the show, and to go to bars to secretly tape married men trying to have sex with her.  An NBC Universal spokesman said they are committed to creating a
workplace free of sexual harassment and will fight Nardi's lawsuit vigorously. 

*  Although they will pay her 10 bucks if she'll show them her melons.



Titanic" director James Cameron advised Hollywood that the only way to survive movie piracy and shrinking box office receipts is to bring back 3-D movies.  The technology that gave people eyestrain in the 1950s has been replaced by improved digital 3-D, and Cameron calls it "a revolutionary form of showmanship."  It  can even be used to process older movies: he plans to rerelease "Titanic" in 3-D, Peter Jackson is considering 3-D versions of "King Kong" and "Lord of the Rings," and George Lucas plans to release a 30th anniversary 3-D version of the original "Star Wars."

*  It was the only way left that he could screw it up.


Less than a week after the birth of his daughter and a press release
claiming he would be changing diapers instead of promoting movies, Tom
Cruise is in Rome promoting "Mission Impossible 3."  He told reporters, "I
didn't want to come...but Kate said go and have fun"

* She said it over and over, in a strange, robotic monotone.