The Professionals (1966) is an epic western with an all star cast. Four men are brought together by a wealthy rancher to rescue his kidnapped wife from Mexican revolutionaries. Each was selected based on skills and experience. The promise of $10,000.00 each is enough to lure them into this dangerous task. The group is lead by Lee Marvin, and includes Burt Lancaster, Robert Ryan and Woody Strode. They are off deep into Mexican territory to rescue Claudia Cardinale from Jack Palance. Of course this large group organized revolutionaries on their own turf are no match for our four stars, but there is a hitch. Cardinale was not kidnapped, but is in love with Palance.

Cardinale, in the European version, shows breasts. In the US version, there is a hint of her left breast, but the good exposure was digitally erased (see image three). Marie Gomez, as a revolutionary and woman who never says no, shows her left breast bathing at a well. IMDb readers have this at 7.4, and it was nominated for three Oscars, including director, writing and cinematography. The desert scenery was breathtaking, and it was a pleasure to watch these superstars at work. The only negative was a rather predictable story. This is a C+, a good watch for those who like the epic modern Western, were the good guys are not all good, the bad guys are not all bad, and nobody wears color coded hats.

Other Crap:

• How to tell you're a serious golfer? You play this ball rather than take a penalty stroke.
• Now open: World's First All-Glass Undersea Restaurant. (Wouldn't be a very good article without the picture, but the picture is pretty damned cool.)
• Star Wars Toys That Never Were
• Vanishing Point: How to disappear in America without a trace
• Can you identify the Presidential Hair?
• Tim's badly drawn cat web site ... proving once and for all that people really can't draw cats...
• Antonio Banderas has joined Jennifer Lopez in the indie thriller BORDERTOWN. Oh, I know that cast seems like a red flag, but the film might actually be good. Maybe. The director is Gregory Nava, who is the best director nobody ever heard of. El Norte and Mi Familia are excellent movies, but Nava sort of pigeonholed himself as a specialist in Latino movies, and he hasn't made a movie in many years. Nava completed the last turn-off on the road to obscurity when his last movie wasn't much good in a city where you're only as good as your last movie.
• Four clips of Jiminy Glick in La La Wood . And, I might add, four of the most irritating clips ever seen, despite charming, good natured, self deprecating appearances by Kurt Russell and wacko director David Lynch. Glick's wife is played by SNL alumna Jan Hooks. You know, I've always oppposed eugenics, but I sure hope they've sterilized Martin Short.
• Two trailers and two new clips for Ladies in Lavender
  • "Set in picturesque coastal Cornwall, in a tight-knit fishing village in the 1930's, 'Ladies in Lavender' boasts the cream of British acting talent as Oscar and BAFTA award-winners Dame Judi Dench ('Iris,' 'Chocolat,' recent 'James Bond' films) and Dame Maggie Smith ('Gosford Park,' 'Tea with Mussolini,' the 'Harry Potter' films) play the leading roles of sisters Ursula (Dench) and Janet Widdington (Smith). Rising German talent and award-winning Daniel Bruhl ('Goodbye Lenin!') plays Andrea. A gifted young Jewish violinist from Krakow, Andrea is bound for America when he is swept overboard by a fierce storm. When the Widdington sisters discover the handsome and mysterious stranger on the beach below their house, they nurse him back to health. However, the presence of the musically talented young man disrupts the peaceful lives of Ursula and Janet and the community in which they live."
  • I've already got my calendar marked to see this on Friday, but only if my surgeon can fit me in for a penisectomy on Thursday
• The trailer and four clips from Up for Grabs
  • "Michael Wranovics' 'Up for Grabs' might have been considered the next can't-miss mock-umentary, except it's all REAL. This bitingly funny picture exposes the custody fight that erupted over Barry Bonds' record-setting 73rd home run ball. From the embattled litigants who wouldn't settle, to the impassioned eyewitnesses and their contradictory accounts, to the bemused reporters who covered the bizarre case, Wranovics presents a rich cast of characters who prove that truth is funnier than fiction. With all the farcical qualities of 'This is Spinal Tap' or 'Best in Show,' 'Up for Grabs' invites us to laugh, and sometimes cringe, at the outrageous behavior of two grown men chasing down an elusive pot of gold. Winner of the Audience Award for Best Documentary at the Los Angeles Film Festival, 'Up for Grabs' tells a tale of absurdity that will leave you muttering 'only in America.'"
• The first ten minutes and six thousand additional clips from XXX: State of the Union . Once again, the film invokes subset B of the Mudd's Robots Paradox in that the sum total of its clips is actually far longer than the film itself. Therefore, if you watch the film, it is merely a preview of the clips. This is a clear proof that, in fact, time does curve back upon itself, thus implying not only that General Relativity may be valid, but General Custer as well.
• The trailer for Pure. This is some truly twisted stuff about ... I don't know. Dreams and faith, and the new Garden of Eden and, well ... here's the official description, you figure it out.
• Four new clips and a music video from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
• The trailer for George A. Romero's Land of the Dead
  • ""George A. Romero's Land of the Dead" is the acclaimed director's long-awaited return to the horror genre he invented, beginning with the seminal "Night of the Living Dead" and continuing with "Dawn of the Dead" and "Day of the Dead". In this new tale, Romero creates a harrowing vision of a modern-day world where the walking dead roam an uninhabited wasteland and the living try to lead "normal" lives behind the walls of a fortified city. A new society has been built by a handful of enterprising, ruthless opportunists, who live in the towers of a skyscraper, high above the hard-scrabble existence on the streets below. But outside the city walls, an army of the dead is evolving. Inside, anarchy is on the rise. With the very survival of the city at stake, a group of hardened mercenaries is called into action to protect the living from an army of the dead."
  • Didn't The Simpsons already do this in "Dial Z for Zombie"? "Show's over, Shakespeare."
• Tom Cruise is dating Katie Holmes. Katie certainly climbed the Hollywood food chain rapidly from Chris Klein to The Cruiser. The only think that surprises me about this is ... isn't Katie supposed to be kinda ... how do I word this delicately ... "intelligent"? Maybe I am wrong about that but if she is, what does she discuss with Cruise? I guess they haven't made it to the "talking" stage yet.
• Britney Spears has come last in poll of kids in the US to find the Coolest Celebrity Mum. She finished just below the woman Charlize played in Monster.
• Weekly World News: "HEAVENLY BODIES - RUSSIAN ASTRONOMER DISCOVERS X-RATED CONSTELLATIONS"
• Weekly World News: "Now Here's A Hard Luck Story... MAN HAS ERECTION FOR A YEAR!"
• Tom DeLay busted smoking a Cuban cigar. DeLay once said, "American consumers will get their fine cigars and their cheap sugar, but at the cost of our national honor."
• Scot says "lower the drinking age to zero". My kind of guy, although he's probably really French.
• Paula Abdul says the allegations are lies, and she herself is not lying ... um ... starting NOW. "Paula Abdul is taking pre-emptive measures to squash a controversy sparked by an upcoming ABC special on 'American Idol.'"
• A380 lifts Europe's aviation hopes.
  • The new Jumbo Jet can hold the entire population of Madrid, and includes an on-board bullfighting ring and real working windmill. Passengers really love the sheer spectacle of running of the bulls through the spacious aisles. The crew includes eighty three officers, thousands of flight attendants, twelve picadors, and a matador.
• STAR WARS Heading to a Galaxy on the Small Screen
• ESPN.com: "Judging the Philadelphia Eagles Cheerleaders 2005 final audition."
• ABC has been warned in writing it could face legal fallout for airing its scathing behind-the-scenes look at FOX's AMERICAN IDOL. FOX owner Rupert Murdoch has informed executives that it appears ABC is attempting to maliciously 'destroy' the nation's most-watched series as it heads into the final weeks.
• "What do the Beatles, the Virgin Mary, Jesus, Patricia Arquette and Michael Keaton all have in common? " Beats me. I read the article, and I still don't know.
• Annie and Ted's excellent adventure? Keanu Reeves and Diane Keaton are rumoured to be Hollywood's newest odd couple.
• The New York Times makes like Triumph the Insult Dog, and poops on Katie Couric.
• The Chicago Sun Times says Tina Fey is pregnant.
• Britney mucho pregnant.
• Jacko's ex-wife weeps at the child sex trial
• Former Buccaneer dies like a character in a Shakespearean tragedy. His name? Stanley Shakespeare. The rest is silence.
• Nice sexy video of Adriana Lima doing a Victoria Secret ad
• "Silent Bob freaks out over REVENGE OF THE SITH! Posts Early Review!" I don't think the studio will mind, since he flat-out loved it. Sample quote: "'Revenge of the Sith' is, quite simply, fucking awesome." (Total spoilers, not that it matters, since the novelization has already been published.)
• If you really WANT the spoilers, here ya go:

  
   

   

• High schools fined for fight at wrestling match. Great story. Some kid beat Ric Flair's son in the real wrestling match, then mimicked Ric Flair's victory strut, at which point the match turned pro-style.
• Ron Mexico name generator.
  • Do you occasionally want to be as incognito as big name football star Michael Vick becomes when he's disguised as "Ron Mexico"? It has now been made extremely easy. You are just a few seconds away from creating your own Ron Mexico name!
  • My name would be really cool except that I can't pronounce it: Jean-Claude Côte d'Ivoire. I guess I can just be Johnny Ivory Coast, or Jack I. Coast.
• Montage-a-google launcher. Make a montage from the results of Google's image search.
• Actress Maggie Gyllenhaal Makes Controversial Remarks About 9/11. Thank God she spoke up, eh? I was waiting on this, unable to form my own opinion about 9/11 until I could hear what all the celebrities had to say. I've almost decided now, but I'm still waiting to hear from Lorenzo Lamas and Danny Aiello.
• Imaginary Girlfriends - Real Girls, Imaginary Relationships!
• The most expensive ZIP Codes in 2005
• Doctors remove man's testicles, say "oops, we looked at the wrong folder!"
• "Meet Samir, the St. Louis auto mechanic who pulled Saddam Hussein from his spider hole"
• The Daily Show's Stephen Colbert reports from a "mega-church" so big it has its own red light district.
• Daily Show: Gaywatch. Ride the rainbow to Spain, where gay marriage has been approved by the Casa De Representatives.
• Daily Show: Pray It Forward: A veritable Who's Thou of the religious right rallies behind the president's judicial nominees.
• Jon Stewart talks to Ice Cube
• Crown Prince Abdullah Yields to President Bush's Tough, Non-Negotiable Demand That America Retain Its Proud Role as Being Saudi Arabia's Favorite Bitch - WHITEHOUSE.ORG
• Beckhams sue their nanny. They're going to take her for every penny she has. Both of them.
• An R-rated clip from High Tension
  • French film centers on two teen girls who settle in for a relaxing weekend at a country farmhouse, unaware that a violent intruder is speeding toward them to transform their dreams into a relentless, bloody nightmare.
• 12 clips from Layer Cake
  • 'Layer Cake,' a riveting thriller set in the drug underworld of the UK, marks the directorial debut of producer Mathew Vaughn ('Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels,' 'Snatch') and stars Daniel Craig, Colm Meaney, Kenneth Cranham, George Harris, Jamie Foreman, Sienna Miller and Michael Gambon.
• Herd of buffalo wanders around an upscale neighborhood in Pikesville, Maryland.
• Five clips from Crash
  • A Brentwood housewife and her DA husband. A Persian store owner. Two police detectives who are also lovers. A black television director and his wife. A Mexican locksmith. Two car-jackers. A rookie cop. A middle-aged Korean couple... They all live in Los Angeles. And in the next 36 hours, they will all collide... A provocative, unflinching look at the complexities of racial conflict in America, "Crash" is that rare cinematic event – a film that challenges audiences to question their own prejudices. Diving headlong into the diverse melting pot of post-9/11 Los Angeles, this compelling urban drama tracks the volatile intersections of a multi-ethnic cast, examining fear and bigotry from multiple perspectives as characters careen in and out of one another’s lives. No one is safe in the battle zones of intolerance. And no one is immune to the simmering rage that sparks violence – and changes lives... Funny, powerful, and always unpredictable, "Crash" boldly explores the gray area between black and white, victim and aggressor...and finds no easy solutions."
• URL says it all: IFuckedAnnCoulterInTheAssHard.blogspot.com
• Borowitz: BUSH TO WED SAUDI PRINCE ... Impending Nuptials Alter President's Gay Marriage Stance
• Here's the trailer for Serenity.
  • The feature-length adaptation of Joss Whedon's TV show "Firefly", set five hundred years in the future, aboard Serenity, a transport ship captained by Capt. "Mal" Reynolds.
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie watch.
• Who will the new James Bond be? Dame Dench says they have decided on ... Pierce Brosnan. Was Sean Connery busy?
• Letterman's Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Secretary
• Letterman's "Top Ten Least Popular Prom Themes"

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Dahlia Gray started off in the nekid babe business as Jami Dion, Penthouse Pet of the Month for March 1992. Ten years later she spent a weekend tied up at somebody's house and Andrew Blake was there to photograph her. Meanwhile someone with a video camera was there to shoot the whole shebang, which when edited became Dahlia in Bondage. It shows up as an added feature to Blake's Justine.

All of Blake's work is plotless photography of some very nice looking women and since this is little more than a documentary it has even less plot than the usual fare. And since tying up women or watching women get tied up is not exactly my cup o' tea, I really skimmed through this short piece to find the best images that were least obnoxious. Nine collages, boobs in all, full-frontal in most, gynocam in 4, 5, 6 and 8. There are more things to see but nothing that I wanted to work with. But hey, different stroke for different folks... if bondage is your thing, this is probably going to keep your attention.

• Dahlia Gray (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

"AMERICAN IDOL" THREATENS TO SUE ABC
This Should Boost "A.I.'s" Ratings! - On May 4, ABC will air an expose of "American Idol" that will reportedly include Corey Clark's claim of sex with Paula Abdul and losers claiming the producers somehow manipulate the results. "A.I."'s producers threatened a lawsuit if ABC airs false charges, and an "Idol" insider told the Drudge Report that ABC is trying to destroy a show that they can't beat in the ratings. Abdul's rep denied Clark's claim, and Simon Cowell told "Extra" that Paula spends "more time backstage with the contestants giving encouragement and everything else. But that's not a bad thing!"

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