School Scandals (1970) is a soft core from the UK with a minimalist plot. The headmaster of a girls school is into spanking nude coeds with a tennis racket, which he is busy doing as the film opens and our heroin (Barbara Mills) arrives. Within two minutes, she is naked, screwing a mustached male employee, and has the other two girls (seems to be a three girl school) doing a girl/girl. After a suitably long period of rather unrevealing girl/girl action and staring at the Mustache's fuzzy butt, Mills send one of the two girls (I was unable to identify her) in to Mr. Moustache, while she does a girl/girl with Cindy Hopkins. Finally, there is a 5 way orgy with all three girls, the headmaster, and Mr. Moustache.

All three women give a three B performance, but the simulated sex is rather unconvincing and tepid. This might be suitable for a stag party of 14 year olds, but I am guessing they would find it too tame. Lets give this a D-.

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Martin Vine
Editor - (Aussie) People mag

The Jacket (2005):

I'll have to catch you up on this film tomorrow (or read about it if it is posted below in the movie links). In the meantime, here's the important stuff:

• Keira Knightley collages (1, 2, 3)
• Keira Knightley film clips (zipped .wmv) (1, 2)

Other Crap:

• Eva Longoria #1 on Maxim's Hot 100. She soared from #91 last year. Longoria was pleased but modestly said that she would have voted for Jolie (#7). Evangeline Lilly was #2, Alba #5. As Brainscan once observed, we should be so lucky to live in a world in which four women are hotter than Jessica Alba.
• Renee Zellweger has been hitched to country star Kenny Chesney
• Truck maker will sell giant pickup. "Navistar starts marketing cement mixer-based truck that dwarfs the Hummer and the F-350."
• Can we get a translation here? What does it say on Bai Ling's crotch? I would have done it myself, but I don't know how to run a crotch through translation software.
• Check out the face of the make-up guy holding J-Lo's robe. Oh, yeah, I know your eyes are doing the same thing.
• Michael Dell sinks $100M into Red Hat . That's a hundred million dollars of his own personal money, folks.
• BBC -The assault on software giant Microsoft. "Microsoft is in its most vulnerable moment in history, just like IBM in the 1990s"
• British Schools may move from Microsoft to Open Source
• The Complete List of the 1,000 Top U.S. Public High Schools. Ready for a shock? The best high school in the USA is in Alabama. Two of the top ten are in Jacksonville. Nine of the top ten are from the South, assuming the South includes Florida, which has five of the nine. Florida dominates the leaderboard with eight of the top twenty.
• Buzz Bissinger, the author of Friday Night Lights, and perhaps the greatest sportswriter since the Golden Age, has written a best selling new book about baseball, focusing on Tony LaRussa and the Cardinals.
• If you're planning a hodag hunt, ya gotta have one of these ... . If you really want to catch a hodag, you may need to read this.
• At first I thought this was a parody site like Landover Baptist. I'm still not sure, but I think it is serious. BushFish.org ... "If you are tired of secularists telling you that The Lord has no place in our government and our public institutions, then show them that you disagree."
• Full frontal nudity from Mia Kirshner in "The L Word", May 8. 2005
• The Asian version of Abbott and Costello. Hu's on first and she's Bai-sexual.
• Long Beach Police made department history when they arrested a 13-year-old boy last week for soliciting prostitution. He must have a really good paper route.
• Trivia: what do the people on this list have in common? Ron Jeremy, Mother Teresa, Ronald Reagan, Winston Churchill, Malcolm X, Robert Kennedy and the Dali Lama. (All big hitters, of course, especially the Lama. but what else?)
• Hunt for extrasolar planets turns to Earth-size worlds
• Gymnast's career destroyed by mammoth breasts.
• Audacious thieves in Romania have constructed a complete automated teller machine (ATM), minus the cash box, to steal the details of account holders
• Pope Benedict XVI's former car - a VW Golf - has sold for nearly a quarter of a million dollars
• The Museum of Food Anomalies
• 'Kingdom of Heaven' gets high marks from Laila Al-Qatami, communications director for the American-Arab Anti-Defamation Committee, for its depiction of Muslims and overall accuracy
• Agent Smith takes over for Purefoy in the futuristic V For Vendetta
• Here's last night's fight from The Contender
• Abdul pokes fun at sex scandal on SNL - here's the video
• John Cusack weighs in on his friend Hunter Thompson
• Fears of a Clown - Newsweek's look at Dave Chappelle
• Ken's Virtual Drum Kit
• The trailer and three clips from Andy Garcia's Modigliani biopic.
  • "The story takes place in Paris in the years after the First World War. Modigliani, a Jew, has fallen in love with Jeanne (Zylberstein), a young and beautiful Catholic girl. The couple have an illegitimate child, and Jeanne's bigoted parents send the baby to a faraway convent to be raised by nuns. Modigliani is distraught and needs money to rescue and raise his child. The answer arrives in the shape of Paris' annual art competition. Prize money and a guaranteed career await the winner. Neither Modigliani, nor his dearest friend and rival Picasso (Djalili) have ever entered the competition, believing that it is beneath true artists like themselves. But push comes to shove with the welfare of his child on the line, and Modigliani signs up for the competition in a drunken and drug-induced tirade. Picasso follows suit and all of Paris is aflutter with excitement at who will win. With the balance of his relationship with Jeanne on the line, Modigliani tackles this work with the hopes of creating a masterpiece, and knows that all the artists of Paris are doing the same. Emotionally-charged and bathed in absinthe green, 'Modigliani' is the decadent portrayal of this tortured genius, his debilitating addictions, and overwhelming passion. The film delivers nothing short of a deeply heartfelt tribute to the artist"
• "Don't think I'm sweet" says Katie Holmes
• Stalin is making a comeback.
• Film Jerk's Early Report for May 8, 2005
• How Peter Max's Dream Left 36 Corvettes in the Dust in Brooklyn
• Elisha Cuthbert will star in the Roland Joffe-directed Captivity as a fashion model who, along with a chauffeur, gets kidnapped and held in a small room by a serial killer. While the psycho methodically terrorizes them, the victims draw strength from each other and fall in love.
• Eleven clips from Layer Cake.
  • "Layer Cake," a riveting thriller set in the drug underworld of the UK, marks the directorial debut of producer Mathew Vaughn ("Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels," "Snatch") and stars Daniel Craig, Colm Meaney, Kenneth Cranham, George Harris, Jamie Foreman, Sienna Miller and Michael Gambon. Sleek, well dressed and polite, our unnamed hero (Daniel Craig) is a consummate professional. Treating cocaine and ecstasy like any other commodity, he has made a fortune for himself by keeping his hands clean and staying under the radar. Having made the decision to retire, his aim is to break free from the world of crime, drugs and violence and live a simple, quiet life with the money he has amassed. But before this can happen, crime boss Jimmy Price (Kenneth Cranham) wants two last favors from him. First, he must track down the missing, drug addict daughter of powerful criminal Eddie Temple (Michael Gambon). Second, he must negotiate the sale of a huge shipment of ecstacy with The Duke (Jamie Foreman), a loose cannon petty crook playing well out of his league. What should be routine transaction is anything but and nothing goes according to plan. Instead, duplicity and hidden alliances become the order of the day, in a struggle for power that reaches from the crack dens of London to the highest ranks of British society. Quickly he learns he is part of a machine much greater than he imagined, and getting out won't be quite as easy as getting in.
• North Korean kindergarten children play a shooting game with a toy gun aiming at a portrait of U.S. President George W. Bush
• California to ban hunting over Internet.
  • "A bill passed by the state Senate two weeks ago would prohibit use of computer-assisted hunting sites."
  • Whether you agree with the practice or virtual hunting or not, you have to think about what California is doing. They are making it illegal for Californians to do internet business with a company which is offering a completely legal service in Texas. Should it be legal in Texas? Maybe not. I, for one, don't like it. But the point is that it is legal. How is Big Brother California planning to prevent Californians from surfing to those Texas-based sites and participating?
  • I don't like the internet hunting idea, but I really don't like the trend California is starting here, because it opens a door that should stay closed. Let's say you live in a locality which forbids nude strip clubs. Should they have the right to forbid you from sitting in your home within that locality and web surfing to internet nude strip shows which are perfectly legal in other states? I vote no.
• Who's On First? for a new generation.
• Twenty-Five Years Under Ohio - the story of an underground home
• Elevator Safety Tips

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

This week's poll....

Email Scoopy Jr. if you'd like to add nominees or offer suggestions for future polls.

Here are the results of our previous polls:
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
The Top 20 Best Straight Sex Scenes
Best Lesbian Love Scenes

Today from the Ghost, a nice assortment of video clips. Zipped .wmvs as usual.

• Debra Lamb, the official fire breathing stipper of B-movies. Here she is topless and showing thong views in scenes from "Stripped to Kill" (1987).

• B-movie regular Griffin Drew topless and gettin' it on in a van (down by the river?). Clip from the movie "Recoil" (1997).

• Nutsa Kukhianidze, the Russian actress goes topless in a scene from the Nick Nolte movie "The Good Thief" (2002).

• Penelope Fortier, topless in scenes from "A Good Night to Die" (2003)

• Sally Kellerman, the original "Hot Lips" Houlihan showing off some excellent toplessness in scenes from "Serial" (1980).

Several scenes from two episodes of the cable series "Women Stories of Passion".

• Kimberly Rowe is topless and shows a little bit of bum in scenes from the episode "For the Sake of Science". (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Kira Reed, also topless in the "For the Sake of Science" episode.

• From the "Father and Son" episode, here is Leslie Harter, also topless.

WHORE COLLEGE
The Big 10 - Last week, San Francisco hosted the Sex Worker Film and Arts Festival, which included a "Whore College": a day-long seminar in which prostitutes heard lectures on such subjects as stress reduction, marketing their services and condom-applying skills. At the end of the day, they received diplomas declaring them "GSW"'s or "Graduates in Sex Work."

If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!