JACK LORD MEMORIAL FUND Checkbook 'Em, Danno! - Yesterday in Honolulu, Doug Mossman, who played Detective Frank Kemana on "Hawaii Five-O," announced a drive to raise $20,000 to build a memorial to Jack Lord. It will be a 12-foot metal sculpture.

Donations to: Doug Mossman, 999 Kalapaki St., Honolulu, HI 96825. When you send that check, please mention that you heard of this cause at Uncle Scoopy's Fun House.

Interestingly, Lord was dead for some six years before anyone noticed, a record soon to be eclipsed by Edward James Olmos, who has now been dead for five years, nine months, and is still getting steady work.

This is for real! An actual news story and a real address. Of course, I made up the rest. But what could be a better cause?

Andie MacDowell

Alecia Elliot

Julia Louis Dreyfus

Sela Ward

Sophia Coppola

A great head shot of Andie from a Loreal ad.

Nice picture and article of the young country star.

Lot's of cleavage from the former "Seinfeld" star. By the way, I saw in the IMDb that she was cast as Mary Ann in a "Gilligan's Island" movie, with Brian Dennehy as the Skipper! I wonder if it will ever be made!

Ayumi Tanabe (1 2)

Filippa von Stackelberg

Cathryn Hartt (1 2)

Sian Adey-Jones (1, 2, 3, 4)

Susan Ward

Yamila Diaz

Sian, also from the same issue of Velvet.

Two super hot babes from the Maxim Hot 100.

Hi Uncle Scoopy and Scoopy Jr. !
This time I've concentrated my efforts on one actress in one film. I'm talking about Aimee Graham, Heather's sister, in "Perdita Durango". All caps, except collage # 2, are from the region 2 DVD for the Dutch market. Now here is a DVD that is really worth its money. It has about as much interactivity as an old videoCD. Nothing wrong with the image, but you can't even switch off the Dutch subtitles ! No extra features either, except some trailers for other movies. And to top it off it had less violence, gore and nudity than the version recently shown on German TV ! Now about the film itself. I don't know what to think of it. There is a lot of violence and blood but the movie was never very convincing to me. Rosie Perez plays a hooker and teams up with a criminal played by Javier Bardem. Now he is not just a criminal, no, he is a sort of voodoo priest as well and they both go on a rampage. For some reason they decide they need to abduct a teenage 'gringo' couple, played by Harley Cross and Aimee Graham. First Rosie and Javier decide that the couple must be raped. While Rosie takes care of the boy, Javier gets busy with Aimee. In collage number two you can see what was shown on TV and not on the DVD. Javier seems to think he's a politician : he is sticking his nose in someone else's business. Are these the kind of roles Bill will be looking for when he's out of office ? Why am I so casual about all this ? Because the youngsters started liking what the villains were doing to them and this is one reason why the movie became unconvincing.
After this first 'ordeal' it's time for a second one, even more unrealistic. Mr. Bardem suddenly remembers that he's also a voodoo priest and decides that, again for no apparent reason, only one of the teenagers has to be sacrificed. The lucky victim is Aimee and look what she's wearing ! ( collages 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) This looks totally ridiculous and what should have been a horrifying scene almost turns into a spoof. I found it not one little bit scary, it was hilarious. Even long before he is to rip out Aimee's heart, a rivaling gang turns up out of the blue, starts shooting and sets the place on fire but Rosie and Javier can escape with the teenage couple. They end up in a motel and Aimee finally ( after two years ) decides to have sex with her boyfriend because it could be their last time ( collages 8 and 9). Luckily Rosie sets the couple free, so that seems to end well.
If you want another example of how unconvincing this movie was, read this. While Rosie is raping the boy she finds out that he has had sex only once before. She asks him how it was and he answers :"Unforgettable". You can see why in these images. Doesn't this woman come in a close second as ugliest woman, right after the one you presented some months ago in the members section ? This really doesn't make the film more realistic, does it. In the TV version however there was one sleazy scene that was totally unnecessary and was really bad taste : there's a girl about 10 years old sitting on a couch, weeping, and we see a mafia boss closing his robe while saying : "I told you not to bite". How low can you get ? This also goes for some of the violent scenes but for some reason the film never gets to you. One is just surprised by all the bad taste displayed and you wonder how far it will go. But I never found it captivating. I'm still confused what to think about it. Oh well, it's only enacted. What did get to me was a documentary last night on TV about World War II in color. Here the blood and all the rest was real. Horrifying, those expressions on the faces of those dead people. You could clearly see these people, who hadn't done anything wrong, didn't die peacefully in their beds. And I don't think there is one actor who can reproduce the facial expressions these dead people had. This documentary was very captivating and convincing, something this film never even came close to.

I went on much too long about this stupid flick, it's time for something different now. Here is a remarkable Reebok ad from Italian Max. The woman is a certain Claudia Barila, but I couldn't find anything on her on the web.

And finally take a look at this ad from German Max. I'm not sure what they're advertising. The text says : "You name you're prize and we'll bring it to you". Whatever it is, guys, don't bother. You know where you can shove it, don't you ?

New product!

Lost Puppy

Prehistoric Man

Chatroom humor

Handicapped fun, submitted by my good friend, Dr. Zorch.

From El Kabong, a classic from the pages of National Lampoon.

Members Bonuses

"The Dirty Seven", from Tuna

Also known as "Emmanuelle, Queen of the Desert", so you can probably figure out the premise. Hey, Tuna did all the suffering, so you don't even have to watch the sucker to see 21 pictures of Laura Gemser.

The rest of the cast all have names like Giovanni, Angelo, amnd Salvatore, so I guess it's a spaghetti-softcore from Italy. I guess that would be with limp noodles.

thumbnails Laura Gemser (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)

"The Bare-Breasted Countess", from Johnny Web

I did this one for Jess Franco's birthday. He turns 70 TODAY! The big seven-oh. I think probably the best thing about him is that in 41 years of filmmaking, including a stint working with Orson Welles, he hasn't learned one blessed thing. The movies he makes today are every bit as bad as his first efforts, possibly worse. You have to sit back in awe of an accomplishment like that. So happy birthday, Jess. Feliz cumpleanos, amigo.

This film is also known as "The Loves of Irina", "Les Avaleuses", and about a dozen other names, and available in many, many different variations. This particular version is the fairly rare x-rated one, contributed to us by Frodo. (Many thanks.) It shows no penetration, but features one on-camera BJ, and a whole bunch of footage trapped between hardcore and softcore (like spread shots and carpet munching, and my favorite when Romay gives a BJ to the penis-shaped bedpost, presumably to sharpen her skills. Or maybe to sharpen her teeth because I don't think PetSmart sells any custom chew-toys for Vampires, and they are too embarrassed to buy the doggie ones when they don't own a pooch.) I wish it were lit a little better, because Romay is so hairy that you can't see anything but hair, even when she opens up.

I've discussed this film and the director, Jess Franco, many times in the past, so I'll give you a bunch of links later if you'd like to learn more about the king of grade-z EuroCrap. Although he is primarily known for his Horrotica films, Franco did not restrict himself to making bad horror films. He made many other kinds of bad films as well. And I use the word "many" advisedly. Possibly he made more movies than anybody else in history. Unfortunately, unlike Jean Rollin, who was truly excellent at lighting, Franco couldn't match his sense of cinema with any kind of technical competence, so he has some nicely-composed scenes which are spoiled by poor lighting or fuzzy focus. Alas. So his only positive is the ability to imagine some artistically conceived shots, but even they are spoiled by poor execution. This doesn't make for really good capturing material, but some of them came out OK. Others suck. So it goes.

From the wonderful world of grade-z cinema: it takes money and skill to film real bats. They generally fly at night, they fly low, and they are generally antisocial critters who hang around in unlit places. So, when Franco needed to show the countess flying as a bat, he photographed a medium sized bird flying through the skies. They did at least find one that flapped its wings quite a bit like a bat, I mean at least they didn't use a hawk or something which does a lot of gliding. But it's obviously a bird, it's obviously daytime, it's obviously hundreds of feet in the air, and they just added some bat-like noises to the footage.

Note on #4 - I didn't cut out either of the girls' heads. That's really the way it is in the print, a shot of apres-sex repose, with both heads missing, one on either side. Not even Franco is that bad a filmmaker (not normally, anyway), so I suspect something got lost in the conversion from the screen aspect ratio to the standard video 1.33-1. If he really shot it like that, it gets my nomination for the poorest filmed scene ever, because it's also in atrocious light (see the Swin collages). And I don't mean ever by a real filmmaker, I mean ever. My nomination also includes the films my dad made of the Fourth of July picnic in 1959 with his first camera.

Romay's on-camera BJ is shown in the top left of #3. The guy's phaser never stiffened, which I thought was the best acting in the movie, until I heard the guy's voice and realized that he'd be happier sitting in a bubble bath listening to his Judy Garland albums. Hey, Franco, if you just need some hetero guy to work for free and get blown by starlets, send me an e-mail. My address is in the card attached to your birthday present. Or have your people call my people. I'm pretty sure I can work some BJ's into my schedule.

Lina Romay (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) Monica Swin (IMDB says Swinn with two n's) (1, 2) Link "The Pure and Extreme Cinema of Jesus Franco" Link "Mondo Erotico: The Films of Jess Franco" Link "Graven Images: The Perversity of Jess Franco" Link "Horrotica! The Sex Scream of Jess Franco"

"Webmaster", from Johnny Web

"Webmaster" is a 1998 Danish movie featuring the haunting love-theme, "You are the Webmaster of My Heart". I didn't make that up. Yup, that's the life of a webmaster. We may look like fat geeks with B.O. and broken glasses and pizza stains on our shirts, but when we aren't studying coding tricks and browser bugs, why, we are deadly with the ladies. What a time it is to live in this world where the women push the quarterbacks and Fabio lookalikes aside to get to a man who never exercises. Top of the world, ma!

This film is supposed to be about the internet of the future, which looks a lot like the first Atari Home games. And it projects a spooky future Denmark which is barely recognizable as Denmark. It's so high tech it looks almost like you could be ... I don't know, maybe in The Netherlands. Pretty doggone eerie.

I knew I was in trouble with this DVD when the "special features" included "sound" and "a menu". And those weren't SOME of the special features, they were ALL of them. Whew, that is almost as high-tech as the future they predict. What a dizzying ride the future of Denmark will be, with those computer generated graphics that look just like in the old movie "Tron". It only makes me wish I were a younger man, so I could live to see such marvels. Assuming I could get Danish citizenship.

Karin Rorbech Karin Rorbech unknown unknown

"Double Exposure", from GR

I haven't seen this film, but it has a topless scene from Michelle Pfeiffer's sister, DeDee, so it can't be all bad.

Dedee Pfeiffer