The Sex Files: Digital Sex (1998), even though it is a made for cable softcore, is the most inspirational film I have seen in five years. Here's the reason. The producer, Alain Siritsky of Emmanuelle fame, is a bout 30% of the way to an inspired get rich quick scheme.

Start by hanging out in alleys behind porno editing labs in "The Valley," and collect all of the film clippings from the dumpster. Get at least 40 pounds, or you may blow your 24 hour production schedule. Next, get Christina Applegate and Dolly Parton to agree to cameo appearances in a film called Days of our Lives. When Dolly arrives, have wardrobe get her out of her bra, into a dumpy housecoat, and over to makeup. Have makeup scrape off her make-up. This will take some time, so lets get the shots of Applegate while we are waiting. We need shots of her looking at a piece of paper, looking at a VHS cassette, gazing into space, putting a cassette into a player, and taking it out. No dialogue is required.

Dolly should be properly aged by now. Shoot a few minutes of her washing dishes and smiling. Ok, that's a wrap. On the way to the editing room, call aunt Frieda, the one with the dusky voice from smoking too much, and promise her a pint of her favorite scotch if she will record some voice-overs for you. Now it is time to assemble the film. Open with still Applegate looking at a piece of paper. Roll opening credits and start voice-over.

"I suppose Grannie chose me to sort through her things after her death because I was always her favorite. I loved her a lot, and always thought of her as one of the happiest people I knew ... " Cut to still of Dolly, grin from ear to ear, her boobs bouncing gently on her kneecaps ... "Who would have suspected what it was that made her so cheerful?"

Insert shot of Applegate looking at VHS tape. Splice in about 10 minutes of the out takes you salvaged from the trash. If some pieces don't fit together smoothly, do quick cut, or add a strobe effect to mask the problems. Follow this with Applegate putting another tape in, and voice-over, "And that was just the tip of the iceberg." You get the idea. We need to fill around 90 minutes, so use the footage you actually shot sparingly. When you hit the desired length, the ending looks like this. Applegate is staring into space. Voice-over says, "I am beginning to think Grams had the right idea all along." Cut to Dolly juggling her jugs soccer style at the kitchen sink. Slow fade.

We now have a film shot in two hours, and assembled in much less than a week. Now comes the real genius. For the ad art (and the DVD case) we have head shots of Dolly and Christina superimposed over a frame from the out takes. The title? "As numerous as the pervs in a brothel, so are the Daze of our Lives featuring Christina Applegate and Dolly Parton. Unveil your Web site, and start accepting preorders. When they start to fall off, leak the fact that Dolly and Christina are featured in a soon-to-be-released softcore on an imaging Bulletin Board. Be sure to thank Star and the National Enquirer for the free advertising when they report on the two lawsuits.

Release the DVD. It wont take long for someone to spread the word that it is a rip-off, but you already have all of the pre-sales. Then, post to a few newsgroups that there are two versions of the film, and the exposure is only in the first one. The law suits caused the best stuff to be edited out. Tell them the only way to tell them apart is that the good one has a blurry middle digit in the UPC. Someone will write a review at CNDB armed with this little known information, and your sales should continue for a very long time.

What does this have to do with the images? Nothing. They invented a pretext (thought recorder/player ala Brainstorm) as the excuse to insert random out-takes of soft-core footage. Where they missed the boat was having the two crooks who steal the device, several crooks who want to by it, and two secret agents who are trying to get it back in a total of about 20 minutes of screen time. As I have shown above, it was a total waste of time, money, sets and locations. They just didn't think hard enough about their pretext. Also, they failed to have a big name in the cast.

IMDB has it way too high at 3.2/10. It would be much lower if they had a 0/10 choice. Nobody else will admit that they were stupid enough to see it.

"Dangerous Liaisons"  is a good movie, although it suffers from a certain aloofness that also seemed to pollute its contemporary adaptation, Cruel Intentions. Of course, it isn't supposed to have any warmth, but it could use a little heart. (The movie "Valmont", made only a year later, is a much more passionate version). By the way, Keanu is in this as a young intellectual. yeah, I know that was strange casting, but you should hear his voice. Keanu now speaks in a well-modulated baritone, but in this movie he sounds like the pimply-faced kid on The Simpsons.

Lara Flynn Boyle

Kousi shows of a great pair of breasts, as she gets it on with Baldwin.

Rachel Hayward
(1, 2)

Rachel Link #2 is from "Suspicious Agenda" (1994). 11 years later and Rachel hasn't aged a bit. She was also recently topless in "Premonition" (2000) and The Hunger.

Carol Alt

Carré Otis

Pat Reeder
The Comedy Wire

Here's the story...

J.Lo Halts Sex-Video Rumors
by Mark Armstrong, Entertainment Weekly Online

He spent five years in state prison, but Death Row Records godfather Suge Knight apparently still knows what sells.

Like, for example, Jennifer Lopez and sex.

Following a spate of rumors that Death Row Records planned to sell an unauthorized sex video starring Jennifer Lopez, the notorious rap label came clean Friday when the actress filed an invasion of privacy lawsuit against the company.

The legal battle came just as Death Row Records confirmed that Suge Knight Films planned to release a video this summer, salaciously titled J.Lo Uncut: Tha Real Story. A spokesman for the label remained mum on the video's contents, but the title alone seemed to heighten speculation that Knight--as one tabloid reported this week--purchased a naughty home video from one of Lopez's former boyfriends.

"It should be out by mid-summer, but I don't know the content of the tape," a Death Row spokesman said.

That was enough to put J.Lo's lawyers on the attack. The singer-actress, who claimed to have no prior knowledge of the video (if it actually existed), asked the court to prevent Knight and Death Row from using her "name, voice, photograph or likeness in any manner."

But almost immediately after filing suit, Death Row backed down, and its lawyer wrote a letter to Lopez's camp clearing things up:

"My client is currently producing a videotape entitled J.Lo Uncut: Tha Real Story," writes Death Row attorney Jeffrey Lowy. But he added that Knight "does not possess a so-called 'sex tape' involving Ms. Lopez and an ex-boyfriend."

Sorry, guys. You'll just have to stick with Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.

"There's no sex video, there never has been," Lopez's publicist, Alan Nierob, tells E! Online. "We've said all along that we highly doubted it. If it were the case, it would've been non-consensual, without her knowledge and a complete invasion of privacy."

Nierob said his 30-year-old client had no choice but to take legal action. "We called them and we couldn't get an answer, so you've got to protect your client," he added. "She doesn't know of any tape that exists, but what if there was a tape done without her knowledge?"

The gossip tornado first began swirling Wednesday, when the Star supermarket tabloid published a story quoting an unnamed Suge Knight Films exec, who claimed "There is such a video, and it is definitely Jennifer Lopez. No doubt. You can see the big butt and everything."

The Star's source claimed the tape featured Lopez making love to a "long-time-ago" boyfriend who set up a candid camcorder during an encounter in the early 1990s. The ex-boyfriend was said to have sold the video to Knight, who planned to sell it on the Internet this summer.

Knight is currently in Sacramento County Jail, awaiting transfer to a federal facility after completing a five-year stint in state prison for an assault-related probation violation. The 310-pound rap impresario has long been a fierce rival of Lopez's ex-boyfriend, Sean "Puffy" Combs.

In addition to quashing the sex-video rumors Friday, Death Row lawyer Jeffrey Lowy insisted that his client did not leak the original story to Star magazine.

Nierob said that, because of Death Row's admission, Lopez's lawsuit will be dropped. "It's sort of a moot point because if there's is no tape, and they've gone on the record, it doesn't go further," he said.

Either way, Death Row has developed quite a reputation for scoring invaluable publicity at the expense of its rivals. Last December, the label took a jab at one of its former stars, Snoop Dogg, by posting the "Snoop Dogg Challenge" on its Website. The site featured links to songs from Snoop's new album for Master P's No Limit label, That Last Meal, and then encouraged listeners to compare it to Death Row's own Snoop rarities release, Dead Man Walkin'.

When asked Friday whether the J.Lo video was simply a PR stunt, Death Row spokesman Jonathan Wolfson replied, "You make what you want out of that," and then added, "It's never a dull moment on the Row."

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.