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I Want You (1998)
There is quite a famous French movie called La Belle Noiseuse which
is four hours long and basically consists of Emmanuelle Beart standing
around naked.
The script would look something like this:
Emmanuelle Beart is playing an artist's model. She enters, removes
her robe and hangs around naked for about half of the film while she
and the artist improvise a discussion about the meaning of life and
the nature of art for four hours.
Nice compact script.
How does one bring the excitement of this film
to an American audience? No, you can't just show it as is. Americans
will not attend four hour movies about anything, let alone the nature
of art, and they hate subtitles. Moreover, the Beart nudity has no
special appeal since she is virtually unknown in the USA, and there is
certainly no outcry to see her naked, sexy though she may be.
Note how brilliantly this classic film was
adapted to American audiences. I have come upon the actual script
(rough draft) as follows:
Emmanuelle Beart Mimi
Rogers is playing an artist's model
agent. She enters, removes her robe and hangs around naked for about
half of the film while she and the artist
her masseuse improvise a discussion about the meaning of life and the
nature of art massage for
four two hours.
There you have it. The English-language
version of La Belle Noiseuse is a made-for-cable film named Full Body Massage. And that is
a
perfect title, because that is exactly what the film is: Bryan Brown
massaging a naked Mimi Rogers for two hours, in focus, in nice clear
light, on good film stock. It is exactly what you expect it to be from
that description, except for two things:
1) Both Mimi and Bryan have flashbacks in
which other people get naked (details in the nudity report).
2) Regrettably, Mimi manages to get through the
entire film without ever showing her pubic hair. Her breasts,
however, are mammoth.
Your likelihood of boredom is thus directly
proportionate to your fascination with Mimi's mammaries. If you can
enjoy them bobbing and jiggling for a couple of hours, you have found
Valhalla.
| Mimi Rogers |
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| Gabriella Hall |
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| Elizabeth Barondes |
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- This is an all-region DVD in PAL format. If
you play DVD's on a computer , it will play anywhere, because
computer monitors can handle PAL or NTSC. If you play DVDs on
a stand-alone DVD player and a television, your set-up must be
able to play PAL format.
- The DVD has no features, and
there is no widescreen version of the film, but the transfer
is clear and crisp.
-
It is available in America. Click
the picture for info.
Other Crap:
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Peter Griffin explains
the evolution vs creationism debate
Classic short from 1930 -
W.C. Fields in The Golf Specialist
Another 'Idol' Gets the
Boot, leaving only the chick and the
gray-haired dude
Debra Wilson topless and
some other pretty cool celeb photos
President Bush Issues
Calm, Diplomatic Response to Historic Letter
from Iranian President Mahmoo Ahma-lama-ding-dong
(WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
Mystery of the week so
far ...
What the hell happened to
that alleged Rove indictment?
Soviet-era propaganda
posters
When he's 64 ...
USATODAY.com reviews the
McCartney split - as seen by headline writers.
- It is sort of a
controversial break-up. McCartney can
understand why they're splitting, but she's
stumped.
Nicole Kidman blah blah
blah Keith Urban blah blah blah
- Kidman's current
dimensions: 5'11", 28 pounds. She makes
Karen Carpenter look like Barry Bonds.
- My suggestion for a
new reality show: The Anorexic Nicoles.
Kidman and Richie compete to see who can eat
the least and vomit the most.
Want a notebook computer
with a built-in HD-DVD or Blu-Ray drive? Get
out your checkbook.
The Evolution of Lara
Croft
MedlinePlus: Actual
Videos of Surgical Procedures
Study Hard and You, Too,
Can Deliver Pizza
Cool pictures:
"BREAKING THE SOUND
BARRIER!"
(Much better than it ... er ... sounds)
Eva Longoria Tops Maxim's
Hot 100 Again
Headline of the day:
"In Kentucky, you can
pick a Booger, but you can't pick a
metrosexual"
A trailer to make The
Ten Commandements more appealing to today's
youth:
10 Things I Hate About
Commandments
States starry-eyed over
spaceports
- "The Federal
Aviation Administration is reviewing
proposals from New Mexico, Oklahoma and
Texas to be gateways for private space
travel. Depending on how environmental
reviews and other requirements go, approval
could come as early as this year and the
sites could be ferrying space tourists soon
after."
Colbert speaks out
against our greatest threat - the First
Amendment
Stephen Colbert discusses
the audition for his new black friend.
Denis Leary tells Jon
that he is not Willem Dafoe, but sometimes
he'll sign his name.
The Daily Show's Samantha
Bee goes door-to-door to ask people if they're
prepared for death, which can kill them.
The Daily Show looks at
President Bush's immigration speech
This week's movies (a
bazillion screens):
The Da Vinci Code - 0%
positive reviews.
- "Boring,"
"lifeless," "bloated," say the critics.
Visit the set of Clerks
II as they head to New Jersey
A four minute
behind-the-scenes peek at Clerks 2 - burning
down the Quick Stop.
The history of the
knuckleball - now 100 years old.
"the (minor league
baseball) Altoona Curve have announced that
they will be holding a Frivolous Lawsuit
Night"
Kobe Bryant is lined up
to play a children's superhero in the TV
series 'Power Rangers Relic Hunters'
- They've re-written
the script a bit for him. Although all of
the Rangers have power rays, the others just
stand around waiting for Kobe to shoot
Lindsay Lohan pitches
another public fit
Drunken Londoner Rescued
After Night in a Tree
- Insert Keith
Richards joke here
Power shut off because
woman owes one cent on her bill
The trailer for World
Trade Center - An Oliver Stone Film
Oops. Cancel those
protests.
Cannes audience boos,
hisses, and laughs at dramatic moments in The
DaVinci code.
In his toughest stand yet
against illegal immigration, President George
W. Bush today announced that he would move CNN
anchorman Lou Dobbs to the United States’
border with Mexico.
Clarabell the Clown has
died at the age of 84
- Though Anderson was
not the only man to play Buffalo Bob Smith's
mute sidekick, he was the best and
longest-running. (The first to play the mute
clown was Bob Keeshan, who later became
known as Captain Kangaroo.)
Jennifer Lopez is
reportedly pregnant with her first child.
Former Beatle Sir Paul
McCartney is to separate from his wife Lady
Heather Mills McCartney, the BBC reported.
- She's hoping to get
as much as $200 million of his fortune, but
her lawyer told her she doesn't have a leg
to stand on. And that made her hopping mad.
The US justice department
has released the first video of the plane
crashing into the Pentagon on 11 September
2001. (with
short excerpt from the video)
A script review for
Transformers!
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Movie Reviews:
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
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Forbidden Wet Tales (2004)
Forbidden Wet Tales bears little resemblance to the usual Category 3 film
from Hong Kong. Sure, there are bare women, but this one is a series of male
fantasies, mostly lesbian and three-way, acting out as the so called stories
are being told.
The plot, such as it is, goes like this. Emily Kwan is a cop looking for a
missing girl, or the missing girl's ex lover (the film was sort of ambiguous
about her exact role). At any rate, she runs into Eddie Lam, who writes and
stars in erotic films. They have coffee, and he relates some of his plots. She
relates a story, then they go to his place, where she finds the missing girl
dead in his shower. He admits to the murder, but offers in defense that it was
done for sexual gratification.
The bulk of the film is the illustrated fantasies, but even here, there is
very little storytelling. They are really wall-to-wall sex and nudity. Most of
these scenes are played by
The flubtitle report is not good either -- see below for the only glaring
mistake.
However, what the film does have going for it is erotic imagery, some of
which is very imaginative. One entire story is shown split screen, and there
was even a very colorful homage to The Night Porter.
There are a precious few reviews on line, and all agree that it is worth
watching if the nudity fest is enough for you. I will give this one a C-,
based strictly on the visual imagery.
IMDb has not yet discovered this one.
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Imagine a DVD of Andy Sidaris movies in which everything but the nekkid babes
has been cut out. Nothing blown up, no skateboarding, no toy airplanes.
You could group the remaining scenes into types that show off the 3 B's: shower
scenes and hot tub scenes and boffing scenes and naked gals pouring coffee
scenes. Add some commentary and voila you have yourself a winner. Sounds like a
plan, if you ask me. We could call it American Erotic Movies and we could
sell it in the Far East.
Well, in pretty much the reverse of that plan there is this disk called
Chinese Erotic Movies. It takes all the naked Asian babe clips from Erotic Ghost
Story 1, 2 and 3 and from Zen & Sex, and it pieces them together with a bit of
narrative. Nothing obtrusive, mind you, just a bit of voice-over to make you
feel so well educated when its over. And the makers of the disk add some clips
from another movie that no one has ever heard of...called Confessions of a
Concubine because they felt the urge.
Out of all this comes a fair amount of good news and some significant bad
news. Good news is obvious.: nekkid Asian babes. Lots of 'em. Chinese and
Japanese gals who look absolutely yummy. And the makers of it all see to it that
you know from which film is each gal's scene. Fine. I like that. But they do not
give you the name of the actress or actresses in the scene. And because the
clips are shown with no context and no other credits, there is this small
problem of figuring which name goes with which gal. A little work with that
wonderous invention of Al Gore's, however, and I managed to determine several of
the names. Some are sorta familiar. Amy Yip has been in the pages of the
Funhouse before. And Pauline Chan...famous for pretty much the same reason that
Sylvia Plath and Shauna Grant are. There are a couple others who are known
within the Hong Kong B-movie scene, such as Noelle Chik King-Man and Isabella
Chow. And then a lot of gals with no other movies in their IMDb credits. Plus a
bunch of women who are, at this point, nameless. I capped them ... even the
Concubine scenes...and put them together in some sort of organized
fashion...well, everything BUT the Concubine scenes. Lots of collages, chuck
full of lovely women.
Some comments on the individual scenes:
- Amy Yip tries to keep the vital goodies
hidden in her movies; and that works in Erotic Ghost Story 1 but some slippage
of the nipple-age takes place in Sex and Zen.
- Carrie Ng, Isabella Chow and
Rena Murakami are also in Sex and Zen.
Carrie's scene requires no comment. Isabella's, however, is kind of a
hoot when you understand that the movie follows this guy who has had his own schlong chopped off so it could be replaced with that of a horse. The horse
appears to have had no say in the matter. So when Isabella looks shocked at
the sight of his member and then...shall we say uncomfortable when said member
is used appropriately....you will understand why. Isabella shows up again with
Rena Murakami in a scene where the two of them pleasure one another with a
flute (that's the shiny thing between them in Rena's 4th collage). Tis a
real band camp moment.
- Amy Yip, Chia-Ling Ha and
Hitomi Kudo play sisters seduced by a male
spirit or something like that in Erotic Ghost Story 1. Chia is quite the pet
and Hitomi gives up serious gynocam material (see her 10th collage).
- The only gal I could figure out from Erotic Ghost Story 2 is
Ichijo Sayun.
Once again the gynocam was used in the filming of this movie.
| Sayun |
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- In Erotic Ghost Story 3, Pauline Chan and
Noelle Chik King-Man display the
wares. Noelle is in two scenes...a long bath scene and then a very long boff-a-guy-to-bring-him-back-from-the-spirit-world
scene. Can't say I've watched many of those and it turns out to be my fave of
all the ones presented here. Pauline is the reason he is the spirit world in
the first place.
- And then there are the Unknown naked Asian babes, often involved in
keeping one another company. A lot of advanced lesbotronics in these
movies. And I learned that the target audience for the films enjoys a
particularly interesting fetish ... that of two gals rubbing their mighty
fines together. Every damn movie in this collection seemed to have at least
one scene like that. Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.
| Erotic Ghost Story |
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| Erotic Ghost Story 2 |
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| Erotic Ghost Story 3 |
 
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At the end of it all, I gotta tell you my idea for the Andy Sidaris disk
would be much more interesting. So many of the scenes In Chinese Erotic Movies
run on and and on and on and you just want them to stop. I mean that ... and you
should think of the implications. How many times have you heard me say I wished
a scene with a naked gal in it would just stop? And you won't hear it again
until someone markets the wedding night video of Tom and Roseanne.
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Pat's comments in yellow...
In a survey by EverythingYouShouldKnow.com, 68 percent of Americans said they
think their lives are worthy of a book. 23 percent think they could write a sex
manual. That's 28 percent of men and only 17 percent of women.
* That means 11 percent of men are kidding themselves
about their sexual
prowess, which seems awfully low.
A study by AutoVantage listed the US cities with the most and least courteous
drivers. The nicest are in Minneapolis, Nashville, St. Louis, Seattle and
Atlanta, where drivers are least likely to swear at other drivers or change
lanes without signaling. The top five rudest cities were Phoenix, New York, Los
Angeles, Boston, and at #1, Miami. Miami drivers speed, tailgate and cut off
other drivers more often than any others.
* This proves there are now more New Yorkers in Miami
than in New York.
The Catholic Church is not alone in its call for a boycott of the movie "The
DaVinci Code." The National Organization for Albinism is protesting because the
villainous monk in it is an albino, and accusing Hollywood of never showing a
sympathetic albino character.
* Normally, they don't complain, but this movie goes beyond the pale.
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