Golfballs! (1999) is a blatant rip-off of Caddy Shack combined with the main plot element of The Bikini Car Wash Company, and all of this with boobs in place of comedy talent. They even did a variation of the "be the ball" shtick. The Pennytree Country Club is near failure. Run by an old duffer and his grand daughter, they are being squeezed out of business by the Bentwood Country Club and its unscrupulous owner, who wants the land to build condos. When a rich man shows up to play at Pennytree, tips heavily, then dies of a heart attack, only because the attractive grand daughter caddies for him, she suddenly knows how to save the club.

She and her boyfriend, the faithful employee, recruit every sexy woman in town to work at the club. One of their more popular innovations is the topless cart wash. There is also topless massage, and all the caddies are sexy, and paired with the opposite sex. When this works, the owner of Pennytree finally coerces them into a round of golf, winner takes all.

Ok, I have proven that there is nothing new in the story, except breasts. There are a lot of breasts, in addition to the 8 or so topless women I was not able to identify, we have Amy Lynn Baxter and Jennifer Steele, whose other titles include Ass Clowns 3, Anal Addicts 6, Cock Smokers 14 and my personal favorite, Strap-on Sally 13: Marilyn's Toy Box, as well as a few titles that look like normal films.

IMDb readers have this at 3.7 of 10. IMDb has an excellent plot summary for this one:

"Conspiracy. Power. Sex. Golf? Ah, the Pennytree Golf Club. 18 holes at its finest. If you played there in the late-70's. Now run-down and nearly deserted, only a few faithful duffers keep club owner Josh Pennytree and his drop-dead-gorgeous granddaughter Liberty in business. All the other customers fled to the Bentwood Country Club nearby; awesome to behold, even if it's run by sleazy, stuck-up land baron Simon Roosevelt. Stealing the former Pennytree crowd isn't enough for Simon; he's scheming to take over the Pennytree property for a lucrative condo complex. Liberty gets wise to Simon's scam - and gets fightin' mad. Though Liberty can't compete with deep pockets, she CAN compete with a new staff of gorgeous babes and bold hunks! Scouting the dance and strip clubs and finding the hottest bodies on the beach, Liberty gives Pennytree a new start. New services, guaranteed to do absolutely nothing for your handicap but leave you wanting more. Hot uniforms, massages, and the legendary cart wash, even though golf carts don't REALLY get that dirty (wink, wink!)...not that there's anything wrong with that! Busloads of new customers suddenly appear, and the money's rolling in. Even Simon's spies are giving in to their wildest desires at Pennytree. Trouble's still ahead, as misunderstandings arise between Liberty and her boyfriend, handsome co-worker Neil Walker. Simon finally raises the ante with a winner-take-all challenge: one round of golf. Bentwood's best vs Pennytree's best. Winner gets the loser's property. It's up to legendary golf pro Dwayne Rider to save the day for Pennytree... if he can still hold a club after a hearty breakfast of bourbon...hold the eggs. Bentwood's star player - Steve Shank, inclined to play dirty and a weakness for beautiful women. Who will get the stroke... and who will get the shaft? Golf will never be the same!

"Summary written by {stevep5200@aol.com}"

I suppose it is just a coincidence that the film was directed by Steve Procko. The 4/3 transfer is rather nice, and the bountiful nudity is all well lit. It is available both on Region One and Two on DVD. I really wanted to like this one, but they needed a little more effort on the comedic elements to make it watchable. It does deliver gratuitous nudity, which is the only real plus. The DVD includes behind the scenes footage, as well as additional topless cart wash material. This is a D+, great breasts, but a near miss as a Caddy Shack spoof.

Slaughterhouse Five (1972)

I wrote a review of this film. I think it is one of the ten best I've ever written, but it is extremely long and typically discursive, more of a meditation on watching the same film twice, 32 years apart. So if you want to catch it, read it here.

• Valerie Perrine (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

MAILBOX:

Hi Scoop et al.

Has any lucky soul out there capped Connie Stevens in "The Sex Symbol" (1974) The European and South American versions contained an  extensive topless and bare butt scene of her walking toward then away from the camera as well as naked scenes on her bed. The scenes are well lit and hot. More and closer up than her nudity in "Scorchy"  Connie was about 36 years old and in her physical prime. I got a tape of the Argentine version, but the quality is too poor to cap. I have only seen caps of her from the edited American version which do not show any "B"'s.

Scoop's reply: I gave it a shot from Mr Skin's video clip. As you mentioned, the quality is not exactly DVD level, but it is much better than the empty space we had in that slot yesterday!

• .jpg collage

• .avi

• .wmv
   

OTHER CRAP:

• Latino Review has some interviews with the cast of Saved!, a new satirical comedy about religion.
• At last - an action figure for real kids - GeekMan.
• The Blue Rose: the 'Holy Grail' of horticulture and soon the perfect present for Mother's Day.
• Home video seems to support "wedding party" story. Military authorities still seem unconvinced, but the connection of the video to the victims seems persuasive.
• Fan calls Jewel's performance the worst concert ever. Obviously that fan has never been to a Cher concert. "Jewel went on a tirade of insults from poking fun at fat people to others with no teeth. She told everyone to stop looking at her teeth and look at her breasts."
• How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a lightbulb?
• Kathleen Turner sure has changed a bit over the years.
• Cannes jury head Quentin Tarantino has said Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 won the Palme d'Or on merit alone. Don't kid yourself. This is just posturing to defend the decision of "his" jury. Maybe the film is good, but Tarantino is an intelligent man - WAY too intelligent to think that an equally good or better pro-Bush film would have won the award. Needless to say, the film won on some combination of merit and politics. I can't say exactly what the proportion is, but I can say it is NOT 100:0.
• For November, Let Us Pray For You-Know-Who: "We're really just calling for God's will to be done in this election".
  • I'm no theologian, but why do people say "we pray that God's will be done". Doesn't God's will always get done?
  • Here's Scoopy's handy instant checklist to determine whether you are God:
    • (Item 1) if you will something, and it isn't done, you aren't God.
    • (Item 2) See Item 1.
• FilmJerk.com's Early Report for May 23, 2004
• The trailer for Notebook. : "Based on the acclaimed best seller by Nicholas Sparks and directed by Nick Cassavetes ('John Q'), 'The Notebook' is an epic love story starring Academy Award nominees James Garner, Gena Rowlands and Joan Allen opposite young breakout actors Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. As a man (Garner) reads from a faded notebook to the woman (Rowlands) he regularly visits, his words bring to life the story of a couple (Gosling and McAdams) who are separated by World War II, then passionately reunited 7 years later, after they have taken different paths. Though her memory has faded, his words give her the chance to relive her turbulent youth and the unforgettable love they shared"
• URL says it all: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.com
• Several crew members reported that Shyamalan just shot a new ending to The Village
• Lindsay Lohan says they're real, and they're spectacular
• There is no class clown at Sideshow College.
• Shrek 2 becomes only the second film in history to hit $100 million on its opening weekend. Its opening weekend gross exceeded that of every film in history except Spider-Man. Its five day total beat even Passion of the Christ and Return of the King. (Matrix Reloaded holds that record). With great reviews, good word of mouth, and unprecedented availability (4163 screens), it seems headed for sure $300 million status.
• Ship carrying 4000 Hyundais and Kias sinks near Singapore
• Latino Review has some new shooting schedules for Fantastic Four and Blade 3
• 10 minute sneak peek at Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, as well as a Today Show exclusive
• Java's Bachelor Pad, where the 50s never ended.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

Sunset Grill

Reviews. Noir film with a completely ludicrous premise, but some charm along the way.

These are deleted scenes or, to be more accurate, unused raw footage shot for the love scene between Alexandra Paul and Robocop. This can not be seen in the film, but is included on the DVD. In my opinion, this footage makes the entire DVD worthwhile, and Tuna kinda liked the movie as well. These are long clips, no sound.

• Alexandra Paul (.wmv, .avi).

• more Alexandra Paul (.wmv, .avi).

Asia Argento

The Eurotrash queen with the wild tattoo, appearing in some of her classics

• Scarlet Diva. Asia directed this film. (.wmv, .avi).  Review. Tuna and I split. He thought it was pretty decent. I voted for complete crap. It does, however, have plenty of trashy nudity!

• Scarlet Diva (.wmv, .avi).

• Scarlet Diva (.wmv, .avi).

• B. Monkey (.wmv only - this is not one of Shiloh's). Review. If you like Asia, this is the film to see. Extremely underrated. She creates a complex character. It has an interesting storyline about a mild-mannered schoolteacher who falls in love with a bad girl (played by - guess who?). It is nicely photographed, and was directed by the very talented Michael Radford (1984, Il Postino). I summed it up as follows, "A lyrical, sad, ultimately hopeful fairy tale about mismatched lovers who want to create their own peaceful life away from their urban blight. It's basically True Romance retold with a Eurotrash criminal instead of an American white trash hooker. Best of all, there is lots of sexy nudity."

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

• The gorgeous and exotic Jeannie Millar bares all. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)

• A great .wmv of Jeannie Millar fully and frontally nude.

  
  

• Jeannie Millar and Susan Featherly both show all in 2 scenes. In one scene they dance for some dude, in the other scene we see some mild lesbo action. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47)

• Jeannie Millar and Susan Featherly .wmvs. Links 1 and 2 feature the lesbian lovin. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Michelle Trachtenberg, the former "Buffy" co-star wearing some very tight jeans and a bikini. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Jessica Böhrs, the German actress and singer goes topless. (1, 2)

• Molly Schade, gorgeous toplessness in her one and only movie so far. (1, 2)

"Jewel of the Nile"
The nudity in Jewel of the Nile comes from some unidentified native women but Kathleen Turner shows a bit of nice upskirt.

• Kathleen Turner (1, 2)
• Unknown

"Romancing the Stone"
Romancing the Stone was a lot better, nudity-wise. Lots of pokies by Kathleen Turner and some side action. Some very sexy see-through breast by Kym Herrin who is playing Kathleen's character, Joan Wilder, in one of her books.

• Kathleen Turner (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Kym Herrin (1, 2, 3)

"They"
The brief side nudity in They comes from what is obviously a body double for Laura Regan. Who is Laura Regan such that she deserves or earns a body double? She must work very cheap. There are some sexy caps of Laura in a state of undress.

• Laura Regan (1, 2, 3, 4)

"Stealing Harvard"
No visible nudity in Stealing Harvard, just some underwear shown by Leslie Mann.

• Leslie Mann (1, 2, 3)

"Last Orders"
Last Orders is another British film and there some lovely breasts shown by Claire Harman. Teresa Lloyd is a prostitute and we see her breasts, and we see a bit more breast by another prostitute. Kelly Reilly plays a young Helen Mirren but she keeps her clothes on.

• Claire Harman (1, 2)
• Teresa Lloyd
• Kelly Reilly (1, 2)
• Others

"The Circuit II"
The Circuit II is the sequel to The Circuit, which I sent last month. It has Gail Harris again showing her mega boobs, although they are still covered up.

• Gail Harris

"Fatal Blade"
Fatal Blade is another formula driven martial arts movie that was completely predictable. Some nice nudity by LoriDawn Messuri and some unidentified big-breasted good-time girls. Seiko Matsuda is there as eye candy.

• LoriDawn Messuri (1, 2, 3, 4,
• Seiko Matsuda
• Unknowns (1, 2, 3,

"Ali G Indahouse"
Ali G is an Englishman who plays a white rapper. He has (had?) an interview-type TV show. This movie is just an extension of his character and is just as lame. No real nudity, just lots of partially dressed and sexy women including Rhona Mitra, Kellie Bright, Naomi Campbell, Ione Brown, Gina Lapiana, Daniella Lavender, Dana Pauley and some not named.

• Rhona Mitra (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Kellie Bright (1, 2, 3)
• Naomi Campbell
• Ione Brown
• Daniella Lavender
• Gina Lapiana and Dana Pauley
• Unknowns (1, 2)