Bram Stoker'sBurial of the Rats (1995) -- Roger Corman heard that there was a film studio nearly of of business in Moscow, so he called and asked what sets they already had, then wrote some movies around the sets. The idea was to take a handful of American actors for the main characters, and use local talent for the rest, and most of the crew. This is one of those films, and is based on a Bram Stoker story.

Stroker and his father are traveling by coach through 19th century France when their coach is stopped by hooded assailants, and the driver devoured by rats. When one of the gang goes after Mr. Stoker, Bram kills them. Next thing you know, Bram has been taken prisoner by the outlaws, who are bikini clad members of the sisterhood of the rats, dedicated to punishing men who have oppressed women. Adrienne Barbeau is the queen, and controls the rats with a flute. The two that took Bram prisoner are Maria Ford and Olga Kabo. Ford saves his life when she realizes that he was just trying to save his father. Barbeau realizes that writer Stoker can spread terror into the hearts of men simply by writing about their great work among the chauvinist swine. He accompanies them on raids, and is eventually invited to become a sister. When the sisterhood isn't sicking the rats on men, they are dancing around topless.

When they raid a whorehouse, Ford, who by now has become intimate with Bram, much to the chagrin of Kabo, who wanted her to herself, is captured and put in the dungeon for torture. They raid the prison, but the soldiers are really pissed now.

Ford shows breasts in a dark sex scene. Kabo does a full frontal in a mirror dressing for a raid. Inna Khokhlushkina, as a rescued prostitute, does a lengthy full frontal. Several Russian dancers are topless in two or three scenes. Most of the characters don't have any lines at all. The sets looked great.

IMDb readers have this at 3.3 of 10. Some people just don't know how to enjoy a bad movie, and this is one that has major bad movie energy. I think my favorite bit was when Barbeau Guillotines a rat for dancing out of step. As gothic horror, this deserves the 3.3, but as a bad film, it has all the necessary ingredients for great fun, and is therefor a C as a bad movie.

Gypsy Eyes (filmed in 1992, USA copyright registered in 1993, released briefly in 1994)

Claire Forlani is one of the most beautiful women in the world. She is a reasonably competent actress now, but it was her beauty alone which originally qualified her as an actress, and it was this beauty which enabled her career to survive some stinking performances in stinking films.

Like this.

Forlani is supposed to be playing a gypsy in Romania (the movie was actually filmed in Croatia and processed in Slovenia), but she quite literally has a different accent in every scene - including a few scenes which she speaks with an American accent (she's from the U.K., but she can portray Americans convincingly). The accent was only the beginning of her troubles. She was about high school age when she made this movie, and she really didn't have any idea how to deliver the scenes. Except for dancing roles, her only acting before this film had been three brief appearances in UK television shows.

The performance in Gypsy Eyes may not have been entirely her fault. Who knows what the youngster might have done with some competent guidance. Nobody really seems to have been aware of where this film was going. There is no writing credit. I don't think that is a coincidence. It appears that scene after scene was improvised, with no particular relevance or connection to the surrounding scenes. Ideas mentioned in some early scenes are never mentioned again. A rendezvous is planned, then forgotten. Characters enter and leave for no apparent reason. All the Rumanian gypsies speak perfect English, albeit with a variety of accents. (Where would they learn English in rural Romania, away from any formal schooling?)

 It really seems that nobody was in charge, and I guess that is pretty much true. The director, a Slovenian guy named Vinci Vogue-Anzlovar, would never direct again, which is not surprising after the investors saw the mess he made of this film.

In the first scene, Forlani is a hooker about to slip a Mickey Finn to an American and steal his valuables. Beneath the window of their hotel room is a mysterious armed stalker. We think perhaps the hooker and the stalker are in cahoots, but when she goes to the bathroom, the stalker enters a window, shoots the American, and the hooker stays hidden, terrified, until the stalker/killer leaves.

Now think about that for a second.

• The American guy is in a hotel room in the same city in which he lives, and the stalker knows exactly which room he is in.
• Given those two facts, the stalker must also know the American's purpose for being there. That purpose requires a second human being, of course. There were also two champagne glasses in the room, and the American had not yet removed all of his clothes, indicating that the sex had not yet taken place.
• So when Mr Stalker shot the American, did he check to see if there might be someone in the bathroom, like, oh, I don't know - a hooker? Nah.

That's how illogical the film was in the first three minutes. That was actually the logical highlight of the film, since (1) unlike some of the characters elsewhere in the film, those characters were actually important to the development of the alleged plot, and (2) since it was only the first scene, it did not yet present any continuity problems with previous scenes!

The filmmakers had about the same authoritative command of a title as they did of the shooting script. The original title was Pick Pocket; it was released briefly in theaters as Gypsy Eyes; then released on video as C.I.A. Trackdown; and is now back to Gypsy Eyes on DVD.

The score at IMDb is 4.9, but that has been poisoned by the fact that nine of the 40 voters scored it a ridiculous 10/10 - that was undoubtedly Vinci himself, since he clearly has nothing else to occupy his time these days. Without those perfect tens, the average score is about where it should be at 3.9, with 12 of the 31 votes being a fairly well-deserved zero.

Having made those points, however, let me point out that there are some good things to see if you watch this film, but do not do so without having your thumb very near to the fast-forward button.

1. It doesn't matter how bad Claire's acting is. The girl is absolutely stunning, and you can't take your eyes off her. It doesn't hurt that she removes her clothing quite a bit.

2. There is a very nice acoustic guitar score.

3. The shots in the gypsy encampment are colorful and exotic. Of course, so is the NBC peacock, but you probably don't want to watch that for 87 minutes. Or this

• Claire Forlani (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

• Ashly Graham (1, 2, 3)

OTHER CRAP:

• A better trailer for the new Spike Lee film, She Hate Me
• A new trailer for Facing Windows
• Truly awesome. How much did I love today's Astronomy Picture of the Day? I immediately made it my desktop background.
• What if the President gave a speech and nobody came?
• Victoria Beckham: My Hubby Never Cheated: "David Beckham's wife says in a magazine interview that her husband has never been unfaithful to her, despite the claims of two women who said they had affairs with him."
• The History of Pac-Man. Most people don't realize that it was inspired by a true story, which was immortalized by Ralph Waldo Emerson in his short essay: "James Packman: the Hunted becomes the Hunter"
• Twelve pages of girls eating bananas.
• URL says it all: JohnKerryIsADoucheBagButImVotingForHimAnyway.com
• In honor of Jimmy Fallon's departure: post- Saturday Night Live careers.
• According to Variety, Benicio Del Toro is set to star alongside Denzel Washington in the Antoine Fuqua-directed "Tru Blu." Steve Zaillian's script is a fact-based drama about how a lawman brought down the biggest drug kingpin in Harlem in the 1970s ... Other news on the page: the lead role in McG's Superman is still not cast.
• Michelangelo's David spruces up ahead of his 500th birthday.
• Again in honor of Sammy's sneeze ... the guys in sports who were NOT pussies.
  • According to ... um ... baseball lore ... Sachel Paige once pitched six games in one day, the middle two in 90 degree temperatures, last two with a broken bone in his pitching arm. He also drove the team bus and changed a flat that day. Unfortunately, he did not have time to rassle a bar or beat Mike Fink at keelboating.
  • If you have been reading this page a long time, you know of my own dad's alleged exploits as the only white man in the old Negro Leagues. Not one to be outdone by Satch, he once finished a season in a wheelchair, and even with two broken legs, he was still good enough that most teams walked him to get to Josh Gibson - even with the bases full.
• President's approval rating has dropped to yet another new low of 41 percent. The president seems unconcerned, perhaps because he thinks it is important to do what he feels is right, irrespective of the polls. Or perhaps because he doesn't understand the concept of a "percent".
• URL says it all: OgrePorn.com
• Christians plan to take over one state, and create a new sovereign Christian nation.
  • Geez, I'll miss them.
  • They have narrowed their selection to Alabama, Mississippi, and South Carolina. I was thinking more along the lines of New Jersey.
  • To be serious for a minute, if they really want to do this, their best bet would be Wyoming. With a population of only 500,000 and lots of room for more, it would be the easiest to wrest control of with a mammoth migration. Plus, there is an existing Wyoming native who could be their first Emperor.
  • Legally, however, I think their best bet is in Texas. Contrary to common belief, Texas does not have the right to secede, but it does have the right to split into as many as five states. Therefore, it would be technically possible for these people to move to West Texas somewhere, and eventually get it declared a separate state, albeit not a separate nation. Here is the joint resolution annexing Texas to the United States.
• In honor of Sammy Sosa on the DL for sneezing, and Berroa taking off fifteen days with a headache, ESPN has: Baseball's freak injuries. J.D. Drew once missed some games because of an evil demon-possessed pillow!
• Claiming that Michael Jackson is a flight risk, California prosecutors are opposing the singer's request to reduce his bail.
• McDonald's is testing DVD rental kiosks. "Would you like some porn with that Big Mac?"
• I don't think Roger Ebert has reviewed One Night in Paris, so here's AVN's overview.
• Portland hockey announcer to change his voice. Ron Ross will become Donna Ross.
• Ocean's 12 promo REALLY realistic - a $200,000 diamond turns up missing, and Clooney was getting beat up at the time.
• Mexico's hottest export: strippers. You'll be excited to know that Mexico is now Canada's #2 supplier of strippers. (Find out #1 by reading the article. Hint: think naked vampire-gymnasts.) 
• The late comedian Spike Milligan's headstone now reads: "I told you I was ill". Well, that's a rough translation. It actually says "Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite", which means, "Why is this written in the first person when I didn't even speak Gaelic?"
• Jacko sucks ... baby bottles!
• Simon Cowell says the Mouseketeer needs more time in the gym, less time in the refrigerator.
• Sweden, long jealous of its Norwegian neighbor's reputation as the world's most boring country, has launched a counter-offensive of incredibly unimportant headlines. "Swedish elk steals bicycle". That's some big news right there. The name of the elk, by the way, is Droopy Ear. The name of the bicycle has not been revealed, pending an investigation to determine whether it is the same evil, demon-possessed bicycle that has recently terrorized Mr Bush and Mr Kerry.
• Kerry Gets Google-Bombed on "waffles". Lord knows, we have to prevent waffling at all costs. America needs a President who doesn't have enough intelligence or mental flexibility to change his mind when he sees that his former position is incorrect.
• Foreign Fingers - how to "give the finger" in any culture.
• A trailer for Deep Blue, a documentary about the Ocean's depths.
• A trailer for The Hunting of the President - "a glimpse at the genesis of these partisan vendettas and explores the myths and truths behind the nearly 10-year campaign to systematically destroy the political legacy of the Clintons". Documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman.
• Surely you are familiar with the Confederacy's pernicious use of pterodactyls to spy on Union troop movements.
• Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up
• If you're a fan, you need to bookmark The Friends Episode Guide, complete with sample dialogue from every episode.
• If you get near Dublin, Ohio, be sure to see the Concrete Corn Field. I don't know why you would, but I don't know why anyone would have made it, either.
• CostofSex.com - how much are you paying to have sex with your girlfriend?
• Hexadecimal Color Codes in HTML That Look or Sound Dirty, But Are in Fact Merely Colorful
• This is a much cooler car crash than anything you've seen in the movies.
• URL says it all: My-Vasectomy.com
• Little Fluffy Industries: Free Online Games Daily
• Customized WAV files for your AOL or non-AOL account by El Edwards. He is the "you've got mail" guy. For a few bucks, he makes you a personalized version.
• Cannabis-based Spray To Treat Multiple Sclerosis. I'd like to use it as an air freshener. Does it only come in spray, or can you also get the adjustable cone?
• Boy expelled for throwing pie too hard. An Ohio high school honor student who won a drawing allowing him to throw a pie in his principal's face was expelled until winter after allegedly throwing it too hard. And he might even face criminal charges. The principal's assault complaint has been referred to prosecutors.
  • That school administrator's brain must have been damaged by pies thrown at last year's event. You have to assume that the administrator, not the kid, chose the pie to be thrown and the distance from which it would be thrown. So she chose a combination which, when thrown by a healthy young kid, could hurt her?
  • "Here, Timmy, try some of Mom's Good Ol' Fashioned Cherry and Lead Pellet Pie. Mighty good eatin', and a killing machine!"
  • I believe the courts will be able to base this ruling on the landmark decision: Soupy Sales vs The Board of Education
• More structural problems at Chuck de Gaulle airport in Paris
• Source: Kobe will be on time for Game 4 tip-off
• Agassi loses French Open qualifier to Frenchman in first-ever tournament.
• Stomp Tokyo Video Reviews - A Very Star Wars Christmas (1982)
• Terrorists say they will kill Madonna if she performs in Israel. I know this isn't funny, so I'll pass on the obvious jokes about how the terrorists may not be as bad as we thought, and "the show must go on", and so forth. The terrorists also threatened to kill Madonna's babies. That really ain't good for any laughs.
  • But I can't help but wonder which branch of al-Qaeda keeps up on the world concert schedules. "OK, Kareem, while we go to attack the infidels, you surf the web for primo concert tickets. And we have to have really good seats, up close, with a clear sight-line to Madonna. If you can't get us into Tel Aviv, try the one in Motown. And if we can't get into Madonna's concert, maybe we can kill Wayne Newton or David Hasselhoff instead." My God, I just thought - do you think the terrorists were behind the mauling incident with Roy and Siegfried? Is nothing sacred to them?
• One more nekkid roller coaster pic
• Valeria Golino pulls an Italian version of Janet Jackson, whips out her boobies on Italian TV for several million viewers. To quote the great philosopher Marv Albert, "Yesssssssssssssssssssss".

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

Out of Order

• Kim Dickens in her sexy underwater scene with Eric Stolz (.wmv, .avi).

• Dickens in a love scene (.wmv, .avi). Kim is trapped somewhere between a romantic lead and a character actress, but  I've always liked her work. And I definitely applaud her daring.

The Entity

Sexy scenes with Barbara Hershey being assailed by an evil and invisible entity who likes to fuck her! OK, it's a dopey movie, but when I was traveling I used to watch this on HBO once in a while, just to see these scenes:

• Babs undressing (.wmv, .avi). (You can skip this one)

• Babs being felt up by the entity. I read that the scene was done with pneumatic pumps and prosthetic breasts over her natural breasts, so you aren't actually seeing her flesh here, but it is still a cool scene.. (.wmv, .avi).

• Babs being molested by the entity. More prosthetic breasts, but apparently some genuine bush and bum as well.. (.wmv, .avi).

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

• Barbara Bouchet
• Dayle Haddon
• Edwige Fenech

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Visual Stimulation is a 30-minute featurette added to the Aria disk. It presents three nekkid babes posing in ways most revealing. That's good news. Two of the babes are former Heffer and former Pet Linn (Lynn) Thomas and frequent Hefmag newstand special model, Sydney Moon. That's better news. The themes of light lesbotronics and mercifully light BD that run through Aria reappear in Visual Stimulation.

Grabbed a hundred or so frames of Linn and pieced them together into 14 collages. Most of them are gynocam specials, although a few (#'s 7, 8 and 12, in particular) are more tasteful and are very attractive.

In numbers 10 and 11 Linn is joined by Sydney, as the latter rubs her most impressive features against the former's most impressive feature. You'll see what I mean. Number 14 shows Linn loosely tied up. Not my favorite, but it might be for some of youse guys.

• Linn Thomas (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

Sydney Moon was a very popular model a couple years back, for a few simple reasons. She is attractive enough, she has... how to put this delicately... a terrific rack, and she is willing to show her perineum to any camera pointed her way. Of her four collages, the first three show the extremes of her posing. Collages 1 and 2 have Linn lending a helping pair of hands and number 3 has Linn bringing out the riding crop. I did search high and low and found enough frames to fill a collage of more tasteful poses. That would be number 4.

• Sydney Moon (1, 2, 3, 4)

Bottom line: when you look at Aria as a whole, you do get a rather big bang for the buck... so long as explicit posing and girls kinds doing girls is your thing.

From the tasteless but very funny comedy "Eurotrip" (due out on DVD June 1st)

• Michelle Trachtenberg in a bikini top.

New today on DVD! "Club Dread"

• Elena Lyons, clevage and toplessness. (1, 2)

• Tanja Reichert, topless.

• Susan Featherly plays the lead of "Gabriella" and naturally bares all while stripping and gettin' it on with both guys and girls.
  (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36)

• Susan Featherly .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

  
  

• Two scenes with Susan Featherly and Anna Kaminskaia. One scene is an outdoor lesbian love scene. The other has them both in the tub. Breasts everywhere, plus a hint of pubes in link #5. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

• Susan Featherly and Anna Kaminskaia .wmvs Link #1 features the outdoor lesbian lovin' (worth checking out for the brief gyno-view). Link #2 shows them in the tub. (1, 2)

WHAT WOMEN THINK WHILE WATCHING PORN
Why Not Just Ask Them? - Scientists at Essen University in Germany are trying to figure out what women are thinking when they watch porn. Brain scans revealed that both men and women showed activity in the lobes linked to memory and perception, but only women used their frontal lobes, the part of the brain associated with planning and emotion. This means men lose themselves in the moment when watching porn, while women are planning something, but we don't know if they're planning their wardrobes or mentally doing their taxes or what.