Coach (1978) is a teensploitation version of the much funnier Goldie Hawn film, Wildcats, and is more of a romantic comedy. It is terribly dated, in that many of the themes and events would cause major outcry in today's world, starting with the main romance between a female teacher and a High School student. Cathly Lee Crosby is a former Olympic Gold Medal winning runner, who is working teaching an exercise class at a fat farm, when a High School, not realizing she is a woman, offers her a job via telegram as their head basketball coach. They try to withdraw the offer when they discover "Randy" is a girl, but she forces them to give her a chance. Naturally the High School ball players are impressed with her tits, but not too thrilled with her as a coach. She earns their respect, partially by walking in while they are all naked in the shower, and turning off the hot water and making them stay under. She also proves to know her stuff, and even brings in her buddy Sidney Wicks for a little extra clinic. Then she starts an affair with Michael Biehn, one of her players.

The High School is more or less run by the grandfather of one of the players (Keenan Wynn) who instructs his grandson to give her nothing but trouble. The ending is the predictable last second victory over their biggest rival. There is also a subplot where the center is uncoordinated and not very bright, and other players hypnotize him into not only acing his math exam, but playing like Sidney Wicks. This is rated PG despite breast exposure from Cathy Lee Crosby, and a gratuitous scene where my ex sister-in-law, Linka Novak, and three other girls (Kristine Greco, Rosanne Katon and Robyn Pohle) flash their breasts to cheer up the team after a loss.

IMDb readers have this at 5,8, which IMDb has lowered to 4.4 using their double secret formula. So we have a female teacher torturing male students naked in the boys locker room, having an affair with one of her students, and joining in for a rowdy sing-along of Hey Lahdy Lahdy on the bus to a game, but in 1978, nobody found anything strange about any of that, including the MPAA. This is a C. It accomplishes everything this drive-in faire teensploitation was intended to accomplish, and is sort of interesting as a time capsule as well.

Sorted (2004):

The UK's Channel 4 ran a series called Movie Virgins, which was kind of the British version of a reality show. It followed the fortunes of several aspiring film directors. One of them was Alex Jovy, a law school graduate and disco DJ who overcame all odds and got Sorted into the Cannes Festival, and while he was there managed to swing a distribution deal. 

Familiar set-up.

A young man comes from small town England to London when he hears about his brother's death. He can't let the matter drop until he know whether his brother's fall from a rooftop was an accident, the result of intoxication, suicide, or foul play. Younger brother arrives in London wearing a modest suit with a military haircut, and soon finds out that his lawyer brother was a denizen of a wild club scene in London. Country boy knows that he doesn't fit in with this group, so he enlists the aid of some of his brother's friends to get him a wardrobe and an attitude that will enable him to move his investigation forward.

I think you can determine from that description that the plot of this film is basically by the book.

Along the way, he hooks up with his brother's astonishingly beautiful, blond, blue-eyed girlfriend (Sienna Guillory - Helen of Troy), and the two of them butt up against the evil schemes of an over-the-top, androgynous drug dealer who speaks in 17th century phrases and apparently had something to do with older brother's death. Dr. Evil wants the younger brother to stop asking questions and will go to outlandish lengths to accomplish this. This cartoon baddie dons a smoking jacket, smokes with a cigarette holder, and wears a perpetual evil sneer as he mouths  lines like "Administer the heroin - then return her to the citadel", "We meet again, my sorrowful friend", and "Who is this maiden fair?" Unfortunately, this was not intended to be comedic, at least not as far as I can tell. Can you guess from the description who might have been cast in this villainous role? None other than the man we like to call Shatner-upon-Avon. Even when playing a normal role, Tim Curry is such a big ham that he could feed all of Poland on Easter Day, but in this role his ham content required several major religions to re-write their dietary laws to allow members of their faith to handle the film reels.

The film does have quite a good look to it, but the only thing that really makes it at all noteworthy is the portrayal of a certain part London's night life: the raves, the drugs, the clubs. The long dance sequences are the film's drawing point for people who enjoy designer drugs and techno-pop music, but they are also the film's biggest turn-off for those who simply aren't interested in that scene or that sound.

I never got involved in this film at all. It made so little impression on me that I can't even remember how it ends - and I just watched it about two hours ago! 

• Fay Masterson (1, 2, 3), as a floozy sent by the evil drug lord Curry to seduce the poor Yorkshire lad away from the innocent Sienna Guillory.

(Sorry, Sienna Guillory kept her clothes on)

Other Crap:

• New computer virus locks up your files with an encryption routine, then demands a ransom to unlock them!
• Teri Hatcher's famous appearance on Seinfeld. "They're real ... and they're spectacular."
• Weekly World News: "HEY KIDS, IT'S SAUDI DOODY TIME! ... OUTRAGE: Arab TV turns Howdy Doody into sick children's show
  • "Saudi Doody's host is Camel Bob Salaam -- a terrorist wearing a black hood and toting an AK-47."
• Spector workin' hard on that insanity plea with his famous Wall of Hair.
• Watchdog group slams cheap, attention-grabbing technique of using 'soft porn' Paris Hilton ad to sell burgers.
  • I don't actually know if these people had anything worthwhile to say. The article didn't grab my attention because their spokeswoman was fully clothed.
• Why do cartoon characters only have three fingers?
• New pictures from Into the Blue (Jessica Alba, minimal clothing)
• Here is the trailer for Pure, an obscure three year old film which has been dug out of the vaults because it stars Keira Knightley.
• English Bookmakers call off bets based on Potter leak
  • The bookies were taking bets on which character would die in the next Potter book, until a rash of bets started to come in - all from the town where the book is being printed.
  • It seems that the dead character will be Harry himself. He is to die from injuries sustained while being sodomized by Dumbledore. Who would have guessed?
• Post-modernism comes to courtroom re-enactments. Jimmy Kimmel to play Jay Leno in the E! re-enactment of Jacko's ordeal.
• The trailer for Dave Barry's Guide to Guys
• The trailer from The Descent, a new horror film from the UK.
  • In a remote mountain range, six girlfriends meet for their yearly adventure, a caving trip into the arteries of the earth. The group makes their way through the remote cave system, enjoying the hazardous but beautiful surroundings. Then, deep inside the cave, disaster strikes when their route back to the surface is blocked by a rockfall. When they learn that Juno, always pushing herself that little bit further, has brought them to an unexplored cave, and that no one is coming to rescue them, the group starts to splinter. Left with no other option, they push on through the cave, praying for another exit. The women battle through this harsh underground world, pitting their strength and determination against each new challenge. Unbeknownst to them, there is something else lurking under the earth, a race of monstrous creatures hidden from the light, evolved to live perfectly in the dark. As the friends realize they have become prey, they are forced to unleash their most primal instincts to face the creatures. As old wounds break open and loyalties disintegrate, the women realize the horrible truth-they have most to fear from one another.
• The trailer from Akeelah and the Bee
  • "A heart-warming, triumph-over adversity drama, 'Akeelah and the Bee' centers on a precocious eleven-year-old girl, Akeelah Anderson (Keke Palmer), from south Los Angeles, who is discovered to have a talent for words. In spite of the objections of her mother Wanda (Angela Bassett), Keke enters a spelling contest. Her gift takes her to compete in the National Spelling Bee, the most famous competition of its kind in the world. On the way, she is helped by a forthright, mysterious teacher, Dr. Larabee (Laurence Fishburne) and a cast of colorful characters from the community. Her journey evokes pride in the neighborhood, bringing them together and, in the end, all witness the courage and inspiration of one amazing little girl."
• Three new TV spots (bottom of page, #7,#8, and #9) for BATMAN BEGINS
• Teri Hatcher: Teri Hatcher Will Strip For Playboy - if they'll really pony up $10 Million
  • Or Hef could just pony up four bucks and rent Heaven's Prisoners, and see her naked and nine years younger.
  • According to IMDb, Hatcher broke into filmed showbiz as Amy the Love Boat Mermaid. She was one of several Love Boat Mermaids listed in the 1985-86 cast - including, surprisingly enough, former Tonight Show bandleader Lyle "Skitch" Henderson.
  • OK, I might have made up the bit about Skitch. Did you know he is still alive?
• Ernest T. Bass dead at 85 . Howard Morris was a lot like Ken Mars and Hamilton Camp - guys who never became household names, but were some of the the great comic support players of their times. Mars and Camp were a half-generation behind, are still alive and working, and not even that old. (Franz Liebkind was Mars's first movie role. What a start!! "You mean Schpringtime for ... you know who?")
• URL says it all: Heartless-Bitches.com
• The best Lego Nerd project ever!!! (Spider-Man 2 recreated in Legos.) I can't begin to imagine how many man-hours of work went into this.
• Tricky baseball rules come into play in this video ... A pitch crosses the plate, hits the dirt, takes a wild bounce, and lands in the breast pocket of the umpire. The runner from third scores as the catcher frantically searches for the ball. Does the run count?
• A photographer has come under fire in China for his spectacular pictures of a man falling off a bicycle.
  • His critics said, "You knew there was a hole there. You should have warned the man in the picture instead of standing by the hole, waiting to take pictures."
  • The photographer responded that he could not stand by the hole 24/7 to warn every potential victim but he could take pictures to convince people that the hole should be paved, and thus save all future victims. (In fact, he was right. His pictures resulted in the hole being fixed.)
• Renee Zellweger immortalized with star on Hollywood Walk of Fame. She said that she was "dumbfounded" to get the coveted spot between Corey Feldman and Francis the Talking Mule
• The Sith Hits the Fans in the UK as well.
  • It set the weekend record in the UK, and performed almost as well in France. It was a hair lower in Germany, but of course in Germany they root for the Sith, so they see it as a light-hearted adventure story with a happy ending, and they view that "Imperial March" as a sappy love ballad.
  • Actually, all kidding aside, it kicked ass in Germany, where it took in 85% of the total box office. That was actually better than the UK, where it "only" took in about 70%.
  • But what is mind-boggling about the UK numbers is the fact that Sith was only showing on 490 screens - that's $41,000 per screen! It only took in $29,000 per screen in the USA over the same period.
• You say your undergrad degree is from West Point, with a Ph. D. from Harvard? Well, forget the job you want because you're up against me, and I went to Trump University. And not only that, but our football team can kick your asses as well, although a lot of people laugh at our Trump Helmets. Oops, wait a minute. We're not wearing helmets.
• Forget the Oscars and Emmys. here are the annual PHALLIC LOGO AWARDS
• This week's movies (750 sneak previews) Cinderella Man - only four reviews, three of which are positive. However, two of the positives are simply ecstatic about it. Variety said: "An exquisite ode to a working-class hero, Cinderella Man takes the almost impossibly perfect elements of the saga of underdog boxer James J. Braddock and fills it with emotional gravitas, wrenching danger and a panoramic sense of American life during the Great Depression."
• This week's movies: The Longest Yard - only five reviews, but four of them are positive!
• This week's movies: Madagascar - 44% positive reviews. (None of the negative reviews really hated it.)
• The Weekend Warrior looks at the upcoming Memorial Day weekend. He thinks Sith will hold the #1 spot, with Madagascar coming close, and The Longest Yard also opening big.
• Trump Makes Light of TV Movie About Him
• Stupidest family in California wraps house in aluminum to protect themselves from top-secret radiation bombardment. Personally, I like the new look of the governor's mansion.
• Good news! The Shadow Dextrous Hand is now available for purchase.
• Free Vibrating Condoms. I am such a schmuck. I've been paying full retail for my vibrating condoms.
• There's good news and bad news for you teachers in Louisiana. The good news? You will now get a big chunk of the tax on cigarettes. The bad news? At the same time, the legislature is going to ban smoking.
• GOOGLE is now valued at $71 billion - about equal to General Motors and Disney added together.
• Three Sisters pregnant at 12, 14 and 16. So what does their mother do? She blames the school
• Dioramas on nude bodies. Beautifully rendered.
• Here's a tip for you youngsters. You can't make a light saber from a flourescent light tube filled with gasoline.
• Darth Vader says he's considering giving up acting to become an architect.
  • Oh, no! He was showing such promise.
  • "Well, I have experience designing a Death Star"
  • Wait! In order to give something up, don't you actually have to do it first?
• Gwyneth Paltrow has been named as the new face of Estee Lauder. Gwyneth Paltrow? I thought she died.
• Paris Hilton's spicy burger ad sparks controversy. It pissed me off too. She should have been naked.
• Light saber dildo. Return of the Jed One-Eye.
• Wing-suit test - skydiving without a parachute . (With video)
• Ricky Williams - prospects for a comeback
• RIP - Tony the Tiger None of the obits of the famous bass are all that Greeeeaaaattt! so this link goes to ALL THINGS THURL: "The only web site devoted to the life and work of Thurl Ravenscroft." I didn't know that Ravenscroft originally was a member of the Mellomen. They are the corny back up singers who often appear behind singers like Elvis and Der Bingle. I guarantee you will recognize his voice. Here he is singing "Big Paul Bunyan".
• Check out the facial expression on Laura Bush
• People may fault Tom Cruise for many things, but lack of enthusiasm is not one of them. He has Olivier's energy and passion. If only he could get his voice dubbed by James Earl Jones.
• Mary-Kate Olson is starting to look positively mammoth!
• The teasers and trailer for Chicken Little, an animated Disney film based on the familiar children's story about the sky falling (or not).
• The trailer for The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, which was directed by the gruff but intelligent Tommy Lee Jones, and won Tommy Lee a "best actor" citation at Cannes.
• The trailer from Chromophobia, directed by one Fiennes, starring another.
  • "This darkly comedic drama relentlessly pulls these characters into situations which threaten their stable place in a society where privilege and birth are no longer powerful enough to protect the fortunate few, and where the American values of money, beauty and success have become the cornerstones of contemporary London life."
• Twelve clips of Russell Crowe as Cinderella Man Jim Braddock
• Three new clips from War of the Worlds
• A dozen clips from the Adam Sandler remake of The Longest Yard

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

.Email Scoopy Jr. if suggestions for future polls.

Here are the results of our previous polls:
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
The Top 20 Best Straight Sex Scenes
Best Lesbian Love Scenes

Well folk's "The Hankster" has returned. I recently retired, so now it's either back to 'capping, or sitting at the mall.

Today we'll kick things off by returning to one of my favorite subjects, "Damsels in "Distress". Here are a bunch of caps of Melissa Pursley all tied up in a dog of a movie called "Blood Gnome" (2004). A couple of them are without the ropes.

• Melissa Pursley (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

Next up is today's "Hankster Light", and speaking of dogs, we have Elizabeth Hurley in "Dawg". No nudity, but she does show some pokies.

• Elizabeth Hurley (1, 2, 3)

Hi Scoops!

Here's another batch of caps from Euro-TV:

"Lola"
One of the last movies by Rainer Werner Fassbinder, with Barbara Sukowa showing breasts during a wild on-stage performance and rear nudity by Y Sa Lo as a waitress wearing nothing else but an apron.

• Barbara Sukowa
• Y Sa Lo

"Alcina"
Opera performed at the Staatsoper Stuttgart in 2000 with Catherine Nagelstad in the title role as Alcina. She wore several revealing low-cut and see-through dresses including a wardrobe malfunction.

• Catherine Nagelstad

"Nichts ist, wie es ist"
Christiane-Bettina Pfannkuch in her only movie role showing a nice pair of breasts.

• Christiane-Bettina Pfannkuch

"Der Mörder in dir"
Katrin Weisser briefly topless and in a see-through dress.

• Katrin Weisser (1, 2)

"Hierankl"
Johanna Wokalek standing topless in front of a mirror and getting dressed.

• Johanna Wokalek

"Trautmann"
Austrian crime series with Jutta Fastian topless in bed with some guy and busty Brigitte Kren showing some screen-filling cleavage on the episode "Alles beim Alten".

• Jutta Fastian
• Brigitte Kren

"Vier Frauen und ein Todesfall"
Another Austrian crime series, this time it's Martina Poel topless and getting it on with some guy on the episode "Liebessumpf".

• Martina Poel

"Kanzleramt"
Fictional series about the German government, usually quite boring except for the episode "Der Verrat" when Bettina Engelhardt took off her clothes. Nice breast views plus some distant rear nudity.

• Bettina Engelhardt

"Salto Mortale"
Series from the early 70's with Edwige Pierre topless on the episode "London" and Karla Chadimová showing one breast on the episode "Kopenhagen".

• Edwige Pierre
• Karla Chadimová

"Verschollen"
The nudity on the very last episode "Die Geburt" was done by Katrin Brockmann who was seen topless in two different scenes.

• Katrin Brockmann

DONALD TRUMP UNIVERSITY
At Least It's Not A Barber College - Monday, Donald Trump announced the creation of Trump University. There are no grades, degrees or campus: just DVDs, seminars and two-week online courses for $300 each. Trump's spokesman said it will give people a practical business education, emphasizing "learning by doing." But a Motley Fool analyst called it "Bonehead University" and said Trump is a phony who runs "a farcical, wealth-killing, penny-stock empire," and that unless the classes include "How to be Born Rich," you'll just enrich Trump more and learn nothing.

If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!