Venus Rising (1995) has Audie England topless in a pair of panties, is well photographed, and has a cast that includes Jessica Alba, Joel Gray, Morgan Fairchild and Costas Mandylor. Unfortunately, if they ever had a script, the clearly lost it long before the start of principle photography. It is a future society, we learn from text based exposition, and, after a prison riot, "the company" sealed off the prison to isolate it. Now there are second generation prisoners, and they are nearly out of food. Everyone is starving. A shipwreck victim washes up on the island with his lunch box. These starving people, who are in top physical condition, kill him, then fight with each other, then three of them escape to "Pacifica" on the man's lifeboat. Of course, one of them has a house arrest implant that will kill him if he stays off the prison island, or tampers with the implant. When he tries to molest England, she tampers with the device. And now they are two.

Except, she is separated from her "sort of" boyfriend. She has sex for money with a tourist on the beach, and then kills him expertly when he wants a little more. Meanwhile, the head of police in Pacifica was warned of the escape, and blackmails Mandylor into finding and killing the escapees. England makes friends with a lesbian, who has a nifty pyramid than manufactures pharmaceuticals to put her in any mood she wants, but is clinically and suicidally depressed. Shortly after England moves in, she jumps off a cliff on an idle whim, so England assumes her identity.

When England sleeps, she dreams about the death of her mother and father, and other niceties of her youth on the prison island. She gets a job cocktailing, and learns to use the virtual reality machine for a little cybersex with, you guessed it, Mandylor. She ends up getting together with Mandylor in real life, and then her boyfriend shows up to make trouble. All of this nonsense is great storytelling in comparison to the ending.

IMDb readers say 2,4, but with 71.7% of the votes being a one, the lowest possible score. All of the comments call it the worst film ever made. To be fair, one sex scene is decent, and the gin mill set where England cocktails is fairly well done. Certainly not enough positive to give this more than a D-.

Mailbox:

This matter is kind of out of my field of expertise, but maybe some of you can help. If you have any leads on the following, write me and I'll pass them on.

Scoop

Other Crap:

• Queer eye for the comic hero guy
• Netscape 8 is all fucked up.
  • Netscape needed several fixes hours after its release
  • Without IE installed, Netscape 8.0 will not install at all
  • You'll have to uninstall Netscape to get MSIE working right again!! (After installing Netscape 8, IE will render XML files as a blank page, including XML files that have an XSLT transformation.)
• Survey: Little U.S. interest in next-generation Internet
• Will there be a prequel to The Phantom Menace?
• Warning! U.S. Marines
• Cannes film festival: Shots from the suburbs: "Me and You and Everyone We Know"
• 'Monica! The Musical,' opened a one-week run Friday night Off-Broadway. I want to audition for the part of Clinton.
• Man arrested for wearing Grinch mask in public. "Wearing a mask in public is a misdemeanor under West Virginia law, punishable by a fine of up to $500, up to a year in jail, or both."
• Urban Legends: Gere and His Gerbil. Hey, they both begin with Ger, don't they?
• Judge Bars Photos of Jacko's Dick.
  • The D.A. said showing the pictures and a child's drawings would show jurors that the child in question could adequately describe "a unique feature of his (Jackson's) anatomy." That would show that Jackson's relationships with boys were "not casual."
  • Oh, man, E! must be disappointed. There goes the one best chance for the screen debut of Jimmy Kimmel's dick.
• Where is America's Best Beach?
• baseball's all-porn-moustache team
• Different methods to pay your toll on Greek highways
• Retro technology: Mechanical pong game uses electronic relay logic to duplicate the computer version.
• The parents of a dieting Italian boy have worked out why he was still putting on weight - his dog was losing weight!
• South Carolina takes the lead in hate! Texas is only fourth, but we're hoping to pick up some good draft picks out of the Middle East.
• Ex-Secretary of State Powell joins bidding for baseball team
• "Thank you for calling the Prince Edward Island suicide hotline. Our business hours are Monday through Friday, 9am to 5pm."
• Thieves steal priceless sex toys from brothel museum in Butte
• A racy photo from a high school party with a Playboy theme has sent alumni of the school into shock, and really pissed off the ones who weren't invited.
• A new murder defense: "Yeah, I did it, but, dude, I was really wasted."
• Adam and Ed? Conclusive new research proves first two humans were gay. Kinda makes you wonder how there came to be six or seven billion of us.
• Urban Legends: "A bar of soap between the bedsheets will help prevent nocturnal leg cramps." Verdict: Undetermined.
• Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, the so-called 'Godfathers of Miramax' will each direct 60-minute horror films for a project titled GRIND HOUSE
  • "The two segments will be packaged together, along with trailers, bonus material and extras from other filmmakers, to replicate the grindhouse flicks, that were too violent or sexual to run in mainstream theaters."
• Ken Jennings defeated handily by a new King of the Nerds
• UK company launches in-car toilet
  • "The company says that the chemicals break down waste into a "sweet smelling, inoffensive liquid", which can be disposed of at the end of a journey."
  • At last, the quest for the Philosoper's Stone has truly ended - we can change shit into Mountain Dew
• Father's Day gift suggestion, assuming your dad is gay. Barry Manilow Official Merchandise Store: The "Music and Passion Blanket"
• Now here is a worthwhile project! Adam Sandler talks about remaking Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
• Catholic Group outraged by Penn and Teller Show making fun of Mother Teresa.
  • The Catholic League Spokesman declared (I did not make this quote up, honest) "Like most Americans, I like parodies and have no problem, per se, with irreverent humor. But when humor becomes insult, that is a different story."
  • So apparently he only enjoys the highly popular non-insulting form of irreverent humor! The kind of irreverent humor that is ... um ... reverent!
  • ... or, more likely, what he really means is that only enjoys irreverence when it makes fun of things considered sacred by others!
  • If you are interested, this is the show Mr Donohue is discussing
• Borowitz: BUSH TWINS CUT SHORT MIDEAST TRIP ... Arab World Gives Thumbs Down to Spring Break-themed Diplomatic Mission
  • "Just days after First Lady Laura Bush was heckled during her diplomatic mission to the Middle East, Bush twins Barbara and Jenna Bush cut short a Middle Eastern trip of their own as the White House acknowledged that sending the fun-loving twins to the volatile region was a really bad idea."
• We ran this material back in December, but it's worth another look. Norwegian skier Ingvild Engesland, 22, deeply regrets posing nude for soft porn magazine Lek, and is surprised by how much attention it generated.
• Ingvild Engesland
• Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood Get Engaged in Public
• Justin Timberlake is reportedly set to play a gay man in Will and Grace.
• The Battle of New Orleans re-enacted in Legos.
  • I suppose this must have been the worst defeat in British Military History before they lost Singapore in 1942. Although they outnumbered the Americans two or three to one, they suffered 700 dead and 2000 wounded or captured, while a couple of Americans scuffed their knees.
• Monitor your wife, girlfriend, or daughter 24/7 with GPS panties
• Stressed? At last, here is the pill you really need.
• Here is pretty much every significant frame of the new Bat-novie
• Burt Reynolds bitch-slaps CBS producer. Check out this picture of Burt. He's gotta be up there with Cher in the lifetime leaders for most money spent on cosmetic surgery, and also vies with George Hamilton for the man-tan award.
• Here's the video of the Burt Reynolds Slap Attack. It seems to me that Burt was just kiddin' around, not angry, and that this story is a whole lot o' nothin'.
• Barring any further delays, Michelle Monaghan (not Katie Holmes) has been cast as Tom Cruise's love interest in M:I 3. Although that will undoubtedly have changed by the time you read this.
• eBay item - Handmade Princess Leia Sock Monkey
• There are now five clips from High Tension, and four of them are rated R
• A dozen clips and a half dozen "webisodes" for Lords of Dogtown
• Underwood the new 'American Idol' - there were 500 million votes cast in this competition
• Merchant-Ivory is now just Ivory. Producer Ismail Merchant is dead at 68.
• Iranians trick Europe again.
  • One more time, Iranian officials promised the EU that they would refrain from developing nuclear weapons - in exchange for plenty of economic enticements. (Then, of course, they will still have the exact same nuclear weapons program - and a lot more money to put into it!)
  • The Europeans also told Iran they could have Austria and the Sudetenland as long as they signed a little piece of paper guaranteeing peace for our time.
• The UK has a slightly different attitude toward TV broadcasts. The Ofcom regulator gave the all-clear to programs about sex with animals. Y'know, I might even have loved Raymond if he had had on-camera sex with wild beasts.
• An 86-year-old woman has been released from jail after being accused of calling 911 dispatchers twenty times to complain about a pizza parlor.
• Defense Rests in Michael Jackson Trial

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

.Email Scoopy Jr. if suggestions for future polls.

Here are the results of our previous polls:
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
The Top 20 Best Straight Sex Scenes
Best Lesbian Love Scenes

Today we take a trip back in the old "Time Machine" and land in 1984 for a look at "Biohazard", one of Fred Olen Ray's earlier films.

Now this is a really bad movie, but it's so bad you just wind up laughing at it. The best part is actually the bloopers that run with the screen credits at the end.

It does however give 2 reasons for sticking with it.

First we have Angelique Pettyjohn showing off her massive hooters as she has them kissed and fondled. This lady had a rather strange history she was at one time featured in the old TV series "Get Smart" in a recurring role, moved on to B-Movies and later did some porn flicks. Sadly she passed away at an early age from cancer.

We also have very nice toplessness from Loren Crabtree in a bathtub scene. This is her only credited role according to IMDB

• Angelique Pettyjohn (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
• Loren Crabtree (1, 2, 3, 4)

"Showgirls" (1995)
Funhouse classic with all around nudity by Liz although it appears in some scenes she has the genitalia of a Barbie Doll.

• Elizabeth Berkley: gyno-cam, dancing with an equally nude Rena Riffel.

"Porky's" (1982)
This movie is still an embarrassment to the Canadian film industry because it's still the Canada's most commercially successful movie. Kim Cattrall really hated doing this movie because while she had a no-topless clause in her contract she forgot to get a no-bottomless clause.

• shower scene: enough beaver to thatch a rug.
• Kim Cattrall: bush flash having bare-assed sex.

"A Certain Sacrifice" (1978)
Grade-Z arthouse film starring an unknown 20 year-old Madonna Louise Ciccone. Released in 1985 after she became famous. This movie was shot about the same time she was posing nude for photograhs which would show up many years later in both hefmag and guccimag.

• Madonna: topless getting gangbanged.

"Cafe Society" (1995)
Something you don't see in many Hollywood movies, an A-list actress spitting out sperm after giving a blow job.

• Lara Flynn Boyle: brush, rinse and spit.

"A Knight's Tale" (2001)
Medieval movie set to rock music.

• Shannyn Sossamon: bare midriff in revealing wench outfit.

"Sweet Angel Mine' (1995)
Last movie for Margaret Langrick from My American Cousin. She was seen a year later with the film's director Curtis Radclyffe with a baby in tow.

• Margaret Langrick: butt, boobs, and even a flash of bush.
• Alberta Watson: nice pokies.

Moccasin Flats II: episode In the Mix
Episode I kept on missing until this week.

• Andrea Menard: partial breast on massage table.
• Barb Metcalf: tight t-shirt as lesbian masseuse.

Show Me Yours II: episode Pandora's Box
Just about everyone had sex in this week's episode.

• Shannon Novak: breasts in threesome.
• Jennie Raymond: brassiere in threesome.
• Rachel Wilson: partial boob having sex.
• Rachael Crawford: partial boob having sex.
• Kristin Booth: slight cleavage having sex.
• Lindsay Ames: doing a when-harry-met-sally performance at supper table.

UNDERWOOD NAMED "IDOL," AMERICA GOES BACK TO SLEEP NOW
So Carrie Did It With Paula? - Wednesday night, Carrie Underwood was named the latest "American Idol" over rocker Bo Bice, but the reaction was not universally positive. Fox's website was flooded with angry posts from Bo fans, swearing never to watch again and accusing the show of being rigged. Some items that aroused their suspicions: Simon Cowell had called Carrie the winner from day one and seldom criticized even her most off-key performances...Some polls showed the public preferred Bo by up to 2-to-1...And the UK's Independent newspaper site posted an article about "AI" creator Simon Fuller on Tuesday that referred to Carrie as this year's winner, then quickly yanked it with no explanation.

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