The Substitute 4: Failure is not an Option (2001) was funded by HBO, and has Treat Williams reprising his role yet again. This time, however, he is not kicking minority ass in inner city schools. He is asked by a General friend to go undercover at the Georgia Military Academy where his grandson is a student. Seems that the school has radically changed character with a new commandant, and his grandson has broken off contact after becoming a member of the elite "Werewolf Squad." It soon becomes obvious that the commandant, Patrick Kilpatrick, is a white supremacist training his own private army to attack minority businesses. Treat becomes involved with the school doctor, Angie Everhart, meets the other two men that have also infiltrated the school, and investigates. Of course there is the inevitable showdown.

Everhart shows breasts in two awkward sex scenes. One-time wonder, K.C. Powe also shows breasts in a sex scene that was much more explicit before the MPAA had its way with the film. IMDb readers give it 4.3. With a female breast count of for, some good performances, and some nice martial arts action, it is diverting enough that I was not tempted to fast forward. This is a C.

9 Songs (2004):

More of Margo Stilley in the arty hardcore porn flick directed by mainstream director Michael Winterbottom. Not too much sex today, but still plenty of nudity. Much smaller clips today.

• The lovers arise in the morning. Full frontal and rear nudity from Stilley. (.wmv zipped -5meg, .avi zipped -2meg)
• The lovers wash up in the bathroom. Stilley poses before the mirror. (.wmv zipped -3meg, .avi zipped -2meg)
• They take a bath together. Stilley plays with his dick with her feet, then climbs atop him. (.wmv zipped -9meg, .avi zipped -4meg)

Submerged (2005):

Totally silly Steven Seagal movie, a failure even by Seagal's lax standards, but I had fun rippin' on it. Since many pictures are involved, read the review at the Movie House

• Opening credits nudity (1, 2, 3)

Devour (2005):

At first, this film seemed to have some potential. Some pretty good young actors get the film started promisingly in what seems to be a scary variation on "the online game can draw you in, control you, then kill you" plot. The film manages to generate some suspense by manipulating the kids into a state where they have waking nightmares in which they commit horrible acts ordered by the game. The cool, albeit sometimes irritating, thing about that is that they don't know whether they actually committed the acts, because some are real, and some nightmares. The audience gets tricked in both directions. After seeing a couple of grisly acts that turned out to be nightmares, I thought another one was a nightmare, only to find it was real. Yes, I know that's kind of a cheap and confusing device, but it worked - well, once, anyway.

Except then the entire movie sort of merges into a Satanic version of The Last Starfighter, where Lucifer is using the online game, The Pathway, to determine which humans would make ideal candidates for his A-Team. Up through that point the film is still kind of interesting, but there is an ongoing hint that something will eventually go very wrong when we see mysterious unexplained flashbacks of people running through the woods and men walking around in black porcupine costumes.

And then everything does go wrong. It turns out that the entire game was designed for one kid. It seems that the lad was promised to Satan when he was born, but some do-gooders interrupted the ritual, and Satan and the kid's mom have been trying to re-claim him ever since. Or something like that. The whole resolution seemed to be maddeningly cryptic and vague. I'm sure the game must have been relevant somehow, but I lost interest in the film when the guy in the porcupine costume showed up. I think that was supposed to be Satan, but I don't know or care. There are a lot of bodies, and it finally seems to be one of those Angel Heart things where it turns out that the kid trying to solve the murders actually committed all of the murders himself.

Or did he?

• Noelle Reno (1, 2)
• Jenn Griffin
• Dominique Swain (no nudity, but pretty sexy stuff) (1, 2, 3, 4)

Other Crap:

• Hal Holbrook to combine his two greatest toles, will star in "Mark Felt Tonight"
• Elderly heart patients were moved from their beds in an Australian hospital so that pop diva Kylie Minogue could have an entire ward for herself when she underwent breast cancer surgery last month Ms Minogue was given eight rooms. Why should anyone be upset? Have they never heard of the divine right of celebrities? (NOTE: a commenter said on othercrap.com that the rumor is that she actually used a breast cancer operation as a cover up for an operation to repair botched plastic surgery. I had not heard this rumor.)
• "OUTSOURCE YOUR OWN JOB! THEN GOOF OFF ALL DAY AND STILL GET PAID"
  • "Through the Internet, you can find someone in India or Pakistan who'll be willing to do your job in exchange for 10 percent of your salary. Then you can kick back, relax and spend all day chatting with pals on-line, playing videogames, cruising the Net for porn or whatever suits your fancy - while your clueless boss thinks you're slaving away in your cubicle."
• A tribute to Goatse. If you don't know what Goatse is, here's the lowdown.
• USA TODAY: Has Tom Cruise gone mad?
• Ernie Ford's bleak folk song "16 Tons" is being used to sell a comeback for coal!! Ford's song is about how coal mining is futile and inescapable - "I owe my soul to the company store"
• Did you know? Wacky movie director David Lynch does a daily weather report. Nothing funny or creative about it, just a regular old weather report from his official personal site, delivered in his flat, nasal, upper-Midwest accent.
• This site is obsessed with those painted wall ads from the past which still persevere in faded form, usually in older neighborhoods: Old, Obsolete, and Faded Ads
• Anti-homosexual film from 1961, targeted at teenage boys, urging them to avoid encounters with potential molesters.
• For Weird Al fans: The world's largest twine ball
• The Advertising Slogan Hall of Fame
• Latino Review has a few interesting new teaser posters. Here is their accompanying blurb:
  • "First up we've got a teaser poster for 16 BLOCKS, starring BRUCE WILLIS and MOS DEF: Film follows a misanthropic, depressed cop who has to accompany a cheerful loser along 16 blocks in New York City to a courthouse to make sure nothing happens. Of course, many things do. Next, LONELY HEARTS starring John Travolta and Salma Hayek: Based on the true story of the 1940s' Lonely Hearts Killers, this detective drama focuses on the two homicide detectives who eventually brought the killers — Martha Beck and Raymond Martinez Fernandez, who lured victims using personal ads — to justice. We also got BASIC INSTINCT 2: RISK ADDICTION, starring Sharon Stone and David Morrissey. The film follows Sharon Stone's Catherine Tramell who relocates from San Francisco to London and quickly finds herself on the wrong side of the law. And END GAME starring Cuba Gooding Jr: A Secret Service agent (Cuba Gooding Jr.) partners with a reporter (Angie Harmon) to uncover a conspiracy to assassinate the president. Finally THE WICKER MAN starring Nicolas Cage: In this remake of the 1973 flick, a sheriff tries to discover what happened to a young girl who has disappeared on an island off the coast of Maine. Things turn strange when he discovers a creepy neo-pagan society, the members of which may or may not have sacrificed the girl in a ritual."
• The Weekend Warrior takes a look at the upcoming weekend in movies. This is a tough one to call. He thinks that Cinderella Man will debut no higher than fourth, while Madagascar climbs to #1 from last weekend's #3 spot, barely beating out those wacky Sith. Warrior is not excited about the box office potential for Lords of Dogtown.
• This week's theater counts: Cinderella Man 2800, Sisterhood 2500, Dogtown 1800, Rock School 50, all others less than ten.
• Rock School - 82% positive reviews. This is the documentary version of the same "dedicated teacher" story which was presented in a fictional format in the Jack Black movie.
• This week's movies: Lords of Dogtown - only 33% positive reviews for the much-ballyhooed skateboarding epic, but that's based on a mere six reviews, and Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly liked it.
• This week's movies: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants - 86% positive reviews for the sweet female-coming-of-age flick.
• Deep Blue - 80% positive reviews, including some review which are virtually hymns of praise.
• This week's movies Cinderella Man - 89% positive reviews, including many glowing raves for Russell Crowe's performance in this story about a real boxer.
• The Cruise connection? War of the Worlds poster versus cover of an L. Ron Hubbard novel.
• Oddjack - for people who are obsessed with betting on everything. I don't know if I agree with their odds on the national spelling bee. A good handicapper could clean up.
• Regular readers know that I used to live and work in Norway, where nothing ever happens. The front page of the Oslo newspaper used to contain stories about trivial matters like purse-snatchings at the airport. Oh, that we all should live in such a place! That is to say nothing ever happened ... until now. Today's earth-shattering headline: "Temperatures rise over soccer bread" ... "a bake shop employee has received death threats for selling Vålerenga-brand bread in Lillestrøm country. Tone Melgård of Baker Nordby said the bakery was taking the situation seriously and was considering filing a police report." Where else can it make the headlines when somebody is "considering" filing a police report?
• OOPS! I guess I declared the headline of the day too soon. "Karaoke toilet death mars school fundraiser"
• As Dave Barry noted in his blog, the NBA is really getting more interesting. Check out the picture, then read the caption.
• Headline of the day: "Military told to wear underpants". Ironically, this means that commandos will not be able to go commando. Wait, maybe that's not irony. Whatever.
• The Daily Show looks at the developments of the past two weeks. (Stewart has been on vacation.)
• The Daily Show's Rob Corddry looks at high gas prices. (One of Corddry's best reports)
• Conan O'Brien presents some rejected Star Wars characters
• The trailer for the international horror/thriller, The Ordeal (Calvaire)
  • Laurent Lucas plays lounge singer Marc Stevens, a handsome and affable chap who has his van break down between Christmastime gigs. Late at night, in the pouring rain, Marc unwisely heeds the advice of Belgian lunatic Boris and treks off into the night. He's looking for a well-off-the-beaten-path little hotel... and boy does he find it. Nestled firmly in the middle of Inbred County, Belgium, is the Hotel Bartel. The owner is a lonely little freak, but Marc thinks nothing of the dank desolation before settling in for an overnight stay. Mr. Bartel promises to have Marc's van up and running in short order, but we all know that's not very likely. Marc spends his afternoon wandering the countryside, and he soon comes across a barn in which several gibbering goons are having sex with livestock. He heads back to the hotel. Before too long, Marc realizes that Mr. Bartel (and the perpetually popping-up Boris) are more than a little off their respective rockers, and he decides to hit the road, period. Big mistake, Marc. Seems that the whacked-out hotel-master has grown, shall we say 'attached', to his current visitor. Thus begins a descent into nastiness that involves handcuffs, bear traps, shorn scalps and rape.
  • Why do I have the feeling that I've already seen this horror film? Is this the feeling of deja boo?
• Ancient rocker Rod Stewart set to enjoy fatherhood again. Creationists believe that he now has children from every generation in the history of mankind. Some theorize that he may have been Cain's real dad.
• The trailer, two TV spots and a featurette from The Perfect Man, The PG "tweener chick flick" is a romantic comedy "fixing up mom" comedy starring Hilary Duff and Heather Locklear.
• A new featurette about The Island, featuring an advance screening
• Strawberry Field's not forever after all
• You have a small dick because your mom's kitchen had a vinyl floor. No kidding!
  • "The higher the levels of the chemical compound phthalates in the mothers during the final months of pregnancy, the less masculine their boys were when examined by pediatricians"
  • "Phthalates are used as plasticizers, solvents, coatings and perfume fixatives. They are in hundreds of products, including food packaging, coatings on time-released medicines, soap, shampoo, nail polish, hair sprays, detergents, and vinyl floor coverings."
  • On the other side of the equation, here is the Phthalates Information Center, which basically claims that phthalates are better for you than fruits, vegetables, and yea, even water itself.
• Hollywood and sports stars to compete in golf tournament. The Event is Organized by Ant and Dec, two men who are kinda difficult to describe to those outside the UK. They are successful pop recording stars and also the hosts of a slapstick Saturday morning kiddie show. I don't know of any equivalent to them in the USA, possibly excepting John Ashcroft.
• Gag order placed on Pitt-Jolie interviews. "Journalists interviewing Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie about their upcoming movie are being asked not to inquire about whether the pair are having an off-screen relationship."
• They didn't call him Tricky Dick for nothin'. Richard Nixon was a deeply flawed man, but nobody's fool. This three year old article says: "Many people, including Nixon, have expressed the opinion that Deep Throat was W. Mark Felt, then deputy director of the FBI."
• Star Trek XI "In Two Or Three Years"
• Moist Towelettes to Wash Away Your Sins
• As of yesterday, X3 has no director
• Doctors have revealed that G-strings are bad for women's health and should be banned.
• Borowitz: SCIENTISTS SEEK EXPLANATION FOR POPULARITY OF PARIS HILTON

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

.Email Scoopy Jr. if suggestions for future polls.

Here are the results of our previous polls:
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
The Top 20 Best Straight Sex Scenes
Best Lesbian Love Scenes

Today we have "Hankster Light" and a "Babe in Bondage" all rolled into one.

Today it's Gladys Jimenez in a straight to video release called "Bound by Lies". She gives us great boobs fresh out of the shower and trying to seduce her husband. Then some cleavage in a sexy blouse, and finally all tied up by the bad guy. She's fully clothed, but look for the pokies :-)

Not a great movie, but not all that bad either.

• Gladys Jimenez (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

"National Lampoon's Barely Legal" (2003) aka "After School Special" aka "Almost Legal"
A North-American/German production which is a sex comedy about a bunch of high school students who recruit strippers to make porn movies. It's still awaiting a North American release although it did get a crucial MPAA R-rating for being very naughty. However it is available on DVD in Germany as Almost Legal next to the shyster videos.

• Sarah Jane-Potts: partial boob as stripper cum porn star. She appears to be wearing falsies under the see-through blouse.
• bodybub: obvious stunt boobies for Sarah Jane.
• Amy Smart: partial brassiere, fully clothed sex as high school student.
• changeroom: obligatory topless communal scene.
• Tammy Morris: robohooters as porn actress doing it to The Hedgehog.
• Jacqueline Stewart: hamstercam as stripper, breasts and butt as porn actress.
• Christine Caux: nice bikini as stripper.
• Ruth Dubuisson: buns as black stripper.
• Heather Hanson: mega cleavage as hairdresser.
• Brooke Dillman: pokies as sex-ed teacher.
• Angelika Baran: cleavage as bathtub porn star.
• Sonya Salomaa: sexy as stripclub waitress.
• Dey Young: cougar cleavage as suburban mother.
• Daniella Evangelista: sexy along with Nicole McKay.

MICHAEL JACKSON TRIAL UPDATE
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah... - Private eye Gordon Novel, who says Michael Jackson stiffed him for a $5,000 fee, told Vanity Fair that Michael is "scared silly" and kept asking him what prison is like and if he can he watch TV and movies there, and poutily demanding that he "stop this show" (the trial). He said Michael believes he's on trial because the DA, the judge and Sony Records conspired to take away his Beatles song rights. Novel told him if he wants to be acquitted, stop wearing clothes and makeup that make him look like a weirdo pedophile, go out with girls and stop fooling around with kids. Michael said, "No, I just want to be me."

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