Thursday

Tuna
"Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood"

Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood (2004) is a straight to vid vampire movie/ titty-flick produced by Fred Olin Ray's wife. As the film opens, a vampire queen is seducing a woman in a western town in California in the 1800s. The husband goes to a Spanish Padre, played by Paul Naschy, who was flown in from Spain for this film. It was his first American film, and he spoke no English, so all his lines were in Spanish. Naschy and the husband sake the vampire queen and kill her brother with a silver dagger.

Cut to the present day, and count dracula has just learned of their whereabouts, and decides to bring them back to life as a professional courtesy. Seems the brother, because his blood was tainted when stabbed with blessed silver, can't drink directly from his victims, but must drink from another undead. His sister fills that need. The conflict is that both of them want the girl who was seduced in the 1800s. What follows is a lot of blood sucking and topless women with aftermarket body parts.

Eyana Barsky shows breasts. They had to dub her lines because her Russian accent was too strong.

Glori-Anne Gilbert starred as the vampire queen, and shows everything.

Jana Thompson shows breasts as Dracula's favorite playmate.

Kennedy Johnson shows everything as the object of everyone's lust.

Lolana shows breasts, buns, and maybe a hint of bush a as victim.

The film came in at under $100K. It had a five day shooting schedule, but one day was cut short when the police stopped them for lack of a permit, so they had several pick-up days and some second unit work. The DVD is full of features, including outtakes, bloopers, and a commentary with the director (Donald F. Glut), Glori-Anne Gilbert, and the editor. It isn't the snappiest commentary I have listened to, but there are many insights into low budget film making.

There are no reviews or comments on line, and it is awaiting 5 votes. Frankly this is intentionally campy, but looks pretty good for a low budget effort, has some decent effects, and a high breast count. That is certainly enough to earn this a C as a vampire titty-flick.

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  • Eyana Barsky (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
  • Glori-Anne Gilbert (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31)
  • Jana Thompson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
  • Kennedy Johnston (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
  • Lolana (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

    "Map of the Human Heart"

    Map of the Human Heart (1993) is an Australian romance about a life-long love between an Inuit boy and a half breed Indian girl (played as an adult by Anne Parilloud). The story is related to a visitor to the Inuit village in exchange for whiskey. An American officer (Walter) showed up in their village to make a map in the 1930s, and became friends with Avik, the young Inuit. When Walter realized the boy had tuberculosis, he took him back with him to Canada for treatment at a hospital. It is there that Avik met the young Albertine. The sisters eventually sent Albertine away because she was cured, and they wanted her to have a chance to live as a white girl, as she could easily pass for one.

    Cut to several years in the future, and Walter again visits Avik, this time on a secret mission for World War II. Avik is home, but no longer fits in. Avik decides to go to Canada and enlist, becoming a bomber. As it happens, Albertine is a bomb photo analyst. The two meet, but Avik discovers that his old friend Walter and Albertine are an item. Avik and Parilloud finally get together, having sex on top of a balloon, then Avik is suddenly has his tour extended for the Dresden bombing. I will leave the ending as a surprise.

    Paraloud's character shows a left nipple in a close up, then Parilloud shows her right breast. IMDb readers have this at 6.9 of 10. It earned $2.81M in the US. It won one Australian Film institute award for best young actor, and was nominated for several others. Ebert. in awarding 4 stars, called it one of the years best films. Berardinelli hated it, especially the editing, and only awarded two stars. I am somewhere in between. The film relies on a series of improbable coincidences, and is too much of a tear jerker for my taste, but it kept me involved start to finish. This is a C. If an unusual romance in a historical backdrop is of interest to you, you will probably enjoy this film.

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  • Anne Parillaud (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Vampires vs Zombies

    SPOILERS:

    Vampires 3, Zombies 2, in double OT. Dracula scores from the left wing with five seconds left on the clock. The Zombies are favored in a rematch, which is a day game.

    END SPOILERS

    You want a real review? Seriously?

    Well, how good do you think a movie would be if it is called Vampires vs Zombies and rated 1.5 at IMDB? Form that picture in your head.

    Well this movie is a lot worse than the one you just imagined.

    I can make one argument in its favor. Most of us learn in school that there is a strong positive correlation between the quality of a literary work and our degree of difficulty in understanding it.

    Consider these masterpieces, considered by experts to be perhaps the greatest play and the greatest work of prose ever written:

    Hamlet - hard to follow, hard to read.

    Finnegans Wake - impossible to understand.

    If being difficult to understand is truly a measure of literary greatness, then Vampires vs Zombies is the "War and Peace" of our times. A bunch of stuff happens in this film, and I'll be damned if I can see how any given scene connects to the rest of it. I don't even know which characters were the vampires and which were the zombies. They were all hanging around in daylight, so ....

     I think there was also a witch, and there were two guys who were regular humans. Maybe.

    As if the film weren't confusing enough, the chronology jumps from the present to various other times. The reality jumps into dream sequences, some of which may actually be real rather than dreams.

    And, to top it all off, the actors deliver their lines with the same natural inflections of small-time appliance store owners doing their own local TV commercials. (SCTV fans - imagine Tex and Edna Boyle in a horror movie!)

     

    • Maritama Carlson- breasts (1, 2, 3)
    • Bonny Giroux - breasts (1, 2, 3, 4)

     

    Battle of the Network Stars:

    Now THIS was reality TV worth watching, and worth reviving. All the sexiest TV stars in Hollywood ran around in semi-transparent bathing suits that showed off their best stuff. Here are a couple of great .wmv clips (with still samples) which illustrate my point.

    • Here's Daisy Duke from the Dukes of Hazard, aka Catherine Bach (.wmv, .jpg)
    • And here's tiny Charlene Tilton from Dallas (.wmv, .jpg)

     

     

    Killing Me Softly

    Pretty goddamned silly movie - some kind of erotic thriller with Shakespeare and Rollergirl. Not too thrilling, but plenty erotic. Here are some .wmv files

    Review page.

    • Heather Graham (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

     

     

     

    OTHER CRAP:

     

    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

     

     

     

    MOVIE REVIEWS:

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Shiloh

    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

     

    Three classics

    • Kelly McGillis in Witness. This film made her a star.(.avi, .wmv)

    • Rose McGowan in Going all the Way. She's tanned, she's rested, she's ready. Well. maybe not tanned. (.avi, .wmv)

    • Kim Delaney in The Drifter (.avi, .wmv)

     

     

    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
     
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Crimson Ghost
    As promised, part 2 of the Ghost's coverage of the Skinemax flick "Allyson Is Watching" (1997).

    Dann
    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Cruel Intentions 3"
    Cruel Intentions 3 is also Cruel Intentions Worst. True to the original concept of young people who enjoy mind-screwing their friends and bring out the cruelty of others, this 2004 direct-to-video version simply falls very short.

    Three friends in college, two male, the other female, bet with one another as they toy with the emotions of their friends, and steal one another's lovers. Finally, the two male friends decide it's time to battle among themselves for the female.

    Faithful to the concept, but the flaws are many. Kristina Anapau is cute but not that good at acting evil. Sarah Michelle Gellar was much better at it. This film takes a mediocre third place in the CI derby.

    Variety
    Shannon Elizabeth
    (1, 2, 3, 4)
    and
    Kimber West

    		Gman takes a look at the 1998, no-budget movie "Dish Dogs". In this pre-Pie appearance, Elizabeth goes topless (pre-implants) and also gives up a thong view. Former Heffer Kimber West (February '97) looks sexy in a French maid outfit but doesn't show any of the fun parts.

    Michelle Trachtenberg

    Molly Schade

    Nekkid Beach Babes
    (1, 2, 3

    		New on DVD, "Eurotrip"! Much like Scoop, I loved this movie! It's funny, raunchy, pokes fun of stereotypes and is chock full of gratuitous nudity! Click here for Scoop's complete review.

    Former "Buffy" co-star Trachtenberg may have been the only female character with more than 3 lines to not show any goodies, but she still looked really good.

    Molly Schade's scene is gratuitous and completely wonderful. It's bascially just several minutes of screen time featuring her playing with her breasts.

    Then of course, there are a bunch of hot nekkid Euro-babes at a topless beach.

    Now if I can only find a "Scooty Doesn't Know" ringtone for my cel phone....

    Denise Richards
    and
    Julia Louis-Dreyfus

    		Both ladies show a whole bunch of cleavage on an episode of "Seinfeld". Richards fans might enjoy this for the triva...this episode was filmed in 1993, 5 years before "Wild Things".

    Nikki Cox
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    		A nice assortment of Cox cleavage from the NBC series "Las Vegas".

    Suzanne Bridgham
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    		Señor Skin 'caps of Bridgham topless in a love scene and a shower scene from the direct-to-vid movie "The Doorway" (2000).

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    ROCKER TO GET TV PLASTIC SURGERY
    Tommy Lee Gave Pam A Facial On TV Once - In a new twist for TV plastic surgery shows, a celebrity is about to get a televised makeover. Former Motley Crue singer Vince Neil, 43, will subject himself to a trainer, plastic surgeon and lifestyle counselor for an MTV reality show called "The Remaking of Vince Neil." He's been promised a chance to work with a top producer to relaunch his career post-makeover.

  • He'll come out of it looking just like Clay Aiken.
  • He's 43, but when he's done, he'll look 60 years younger.
  • A show that gives cosmetic dentistry to British rock stars could run forever.
  • There's already a show viewers watch to see celebrity plastic surgery...It's called "The Academy Awards."


    CHINA DEMANDS VETO OF BRITNEY'S WARDROBE
    The Forbidden Titty - China's Cultural Ministry approved letting Britney Spears tour China for the first time, but they insisted on a "strict review" of her wardrobe to insure she doesn't show too much skin. A spokesman for the Chinese tour organizers said the ministry's wishes would be respected, but the costumes and stage show are the same at each concert and it would be "impossible to make up clothes specially for the China performances."

  • That would require getting some clothes made in Hong Kong, which is unheard of!
  • It's like asking Britney to sing different lyrics: impossible!
  • Lately, when Britney shows "too much skin," it's because of weight gain.
  • If she tours the Middle East, they'll just throw a burqa over her.


    LOW-CARB POTATO DEVELOPED
    Mmmmmmm! Waxy! - Good news for the ailing potato industry: a University of Florida researcher working with the Dutch seed company HZPC has developed a non-genetically-modified, low-carb potato. Dubbed "Spud-U-Lite," they say it's yellow and waxy with a smooth skin, an exceptional flavor and one-third fewer carbs than a regular potato. An Atkins spokesman said they normally don't recommend potatoes, but maybe you could eat some during the later diet stages, after you've reached your target weight.

  • But only if they're smothered in cheese.
  • The low-carb potato could help Ted Kennedy lose 30 pounds, just from his head alone.
  • Best of all, this means there can now be "low-carb vodka!"


    NOBODY KNOWS WHAT CARBS ARE
    It's A Calorie, Right? - Despite all the fear of carbs, a survey by eDiets.com found that one-fourth of respondents didn't know what a "carb" was. They thought it was a by-product of being fat. When asked how many carbs were in a meal of a hamburger, fries and medium soft drink, more than a third of respondents guessed 500. Nearly as many thought it had 200 carbs. Only 19 percent knew that it had 150 carbs.

  • Is that all?! Then bring it on!
  • Okay, you think you're so smart: What's a NET carb?
  • Carbs are like the deficit: everybody talks about how it's going to kill us, but nobody knows what the heck it is.
  • A carb is a mysterious substance that makes food less expensive, which is why low-carb foods cost four times as much.