Tarzan the Ape Man (1981) is the classic Edgar Rice Burroughs story told from Jane's point of view. While the film has characters in common with the novel, that is where the similarity end. Jane (Bo Derek) arrives in Africa to find her father, an adventurer, who abandoned her and her mother shortly after her birth. He is out to discover a fabled elephant burial ground. Jane, something of an adventurer herself, insist on going on the expedition. When bearers start getting picked off, daddy blames Tarzan, who we have heard in the distance. The bad guys are actually a whole tribe dedicated to body painting and providing the villain role. Jane first encounters Tarzan while bathing nude, then again when he snatches her.

She returns to her father just before they are all captured by the body painters. The stay just long enough for a bunch of topless body painters to wash a naked Jane, then paint her white. The head of the body painters is set to take her virginity, stabs daddy with an elephant tusk, then Tarzan saves the day. Jane leaves with Tarzan.

In the few minutes of running time when we don't have Bo Derek at least topless and painted light green, we have native women showing their breasts. Derek shows breasts, buns, and hints of bush in too many scenes to mention, including a nude swim during the opening credits, and a topless frolic with Tarzan and Cheetah during the entire ending credits.

This is rated 2.9 at IMDb, which puts it number 47 in the bottom hundred films with enough votes to count. Bo received a well deserved Worst Actress Razzie for her effort. Richard Harris, as her father, was way over the top, Miles O'Keeffe as Tarzan was almost as bad as Bo, and the best performance in the film was turned in by C.J, who actually demonstrated acting ability, especially by comparison to the humans in the film. C.J. is an orangutan and played Cheetah. The film garnered many nominations, including Razzies for Worst Actress, Worst Film, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Actor and Worst Newcomer. Then again, this is listed as one of Bo's three best films, along with 10 and Bolero. Lets look at her career.

This Gives her a career average of 3.6. She has been appropriately awarded for her efforts.

1984 Sour Apple award
Razzie Nominations for worst actress of the year in 2003, 1996
Razzie Nomination for worst actress of the Century 2000
Won Razzie for worst actress of the Decade 1990
Won Razzie for worst actress 1982, 1985, 1991

To be fair, I never heard her, or anyone else, claim that she could act. She has always been billed as a woman who got naked and looked great, and she did a lot of that here. But couple her usual bad performance with almost universally bad acting, a garbage script and terrible dialogue, and there isn't much here, except eye candy, both because of the nudity, and the locations. The DVD transfer is pristine, but the DVD is otherwise featureless. I will elevate this to F+ on the strength of the nudity and locations/cinematograph.

The Company

The Company is Robert Altman's ensemble drama about a short period in the life of a ballet company. It demonstrates some of the creative process that goes into a show; tells a few backstage stories of rivalries, loves, firings, and injuries; and focuses a bit on the life of one mid-level dancer (Neve Campbell) on the verge of stardom. Is it Showgirls remade for highbrows? Well, not exactly, but there are some similarities.

Frankly, I watched this thing in complete confusion. I can report that it is one of two things:

a. A brilliant satire on the empty-headed world of artistic poseurs and their sycophantically appreciative audiences.

b. A demonstration that Robert Altman is utterly clueless.

Here's the basic summary of what happens. (I can't really use the word "plot" since that would imply some type of momentum that holds one's attention.) A dance company is in the process of producing a ballet called The Blue Snake, as directed by a new choreographer. The choreographer seems to have no idea what he's trying to do, the costumes are about as subtle as the San Diego Chicken, and the whole project smacks of the pretentiousness of the turtle neckers who fancy themselves the only repository of man's artistic sense.

At the end of the film, The Blue Snake is finally produced and shown in some detail. It is the most baffling, pretentious piece of pseudo-intellectual clap-trap that you are ever likely to see. It is like a fourth grade Halloween Pageant performed by really graceful and artistic athletes. I started to smile when they began performing, and was about ready to start howling with laughter when I saw that the audience of the play-within-a-film was supposed to be mesmerized, pleased, even dazzled, by the brilliance of this work.

That's when I was beset with the confusion reflected in the second paragraph above. I thought to myself, "Is Altman making fun of the ballet, as well as the idle culture-vultures who go to highbrow performances and museums to mask a lack of education and taste? Or is is possible that Altman himself really thinks this performance of The Blue Snake is a great artistic achievement?" Who the hell knows? I hope it was the former.

I'll say this, though. If it was satire, no movie critics seemed to pick up on it.

If you are a great fan of ballet, you'll probably enjoy all the insider stuff and some of the snippets of the performances of the famous Joffrey company, which is featured prominently in the film.  If you are not interested in ballet, you need to take a pass, because the Neve Campbell character is the only one who seems to have much life outside the theater and rehearsal rooms. Apart from the effort to develop her personal story, an effort which is half-hearted at best, there is virtually no character development.

Come to think of it, the lack of character development makes a pretty good complement for the lack of plot.

It's a shame that the film is so static and undramatic, because its complete box office failure prevented any significant number of moviegoers from seeing Neve Campbell's performance, in which she did all of her own dancing amid actual members of the Joffrey Ballet, and seemed right in place, despite long unedited takes and intimate camera work. Based upon the reactions of professionals who have seen this film, Neve's performance may be the best instance of an actor simulating a convincing professional performance without camera trickery since Robert Redford did his own hitting and fielding in The Natural.

Her nudity, however, is just as unimpressive as ever. She got nekkid on camera twice, but after you've seen the scenes, you'll have no sense of ever having seen her naked.

• Neve Campbell (1, 2)

• Backstage dancers (1, 2, 3)

SOME .wmv files, and some related material.

• I've always thought Bonnie Bedelia was hot, with a helluva body, but her only real nudity (apart from a mini-flash in The Gypsy Moths, was in The Stranger. Here's a sample.
• Here's Bedelia in The Gypsy Moths, for reference.
• Somebody wrote me to ask if the Dream Lover DVD is the uncut, unrated version. I wasn't sure. It says R on the box, but the running time is 104 min, and that's supposed to be the length of the unrated version. After looking around, I've found that the answer is NO- it is NOT the unrated version. It must be the R-rated version, as advertised on the box. This clip provides the evidence. There are two scenes not on the DVD (1) the one where she is bent over the table (2) the one where the camera is overhead and she is on top.
• Here are stills of the two scenes NOT on the DVD (1, 2)

SITE UPDATES:

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated!

OTHER CRAP:

• GALLUP: Bush Approval Ratings Show Historical Levels of Polarization.
• Nude cycling declared a sin, although the Lord will forgive the male cyclists because we can see they're nuts.
• O.J. Simpson angry at his ex-wife.
  • Well, jeez, sorry, big fella, you could really be giving her a good lecture right now, except for one minor detail ...
  • OJ also mentioned that he's going to do a new celebrity prank show, kind of like Punk'd. It's kinda cute. OJ kills your girlfriend, and they film your reaction.
• Here's the trailer for White Chicks. This might be funny, but it also has the potential for suckitude on a level unseen since Begnini's Pinocchio.
• President Bush to award Pope a shiny new medal.
• Chalabi accuses George Tenet of being behind allegations against him. Oh, sure, the accusations are all true, but they came from Tenet, so they don't count! "I denied these charges, and I'll deny them again", said Chalabi, "because lying keeps me young."
• JoBlo.com's interview with Roger Ebert.
• The bad news: Ben Affleck can't speak. The good news: the same.
• Saved! - The first 3.5 minutes, plus seven other scenes.
• Here is the trailer for the highly-anticipated Howard Hughes biopic, The Aviator . Directed by Martin Scorsese, starring DiCaprio.
• Lost in Translation star Bill Murray has joined the cast of Andy Garcia's The Lost City, a Cuban love story that also stars Dustin Hoffman, Tomas Millian and Ines Sastre. Hoffman will portray gangster Meyer Lansky in the 50s.
• This is a repeat, but worth seeing if you have not yet. The Honda Accord commercial where they turn the auto parts into a massive Rube Goldberg device.
• Schwarzenegger betting on Lakers victory. If Arnold loses, he'll have to wear a Pistons jersey while he eats a warm Michigan meat pie and drinks a Vernor's. If the Michigan governor loses, she'll have to wear a Lakers Jersey while she eats the most popular meal in California - Arnold's dick.
• Windows Media Player 10 is now available in a "Technical Beta" Release
• You may want to bookmark this one. URL speaks for itself: AllDumb.com.
• Video Premiere - Will Ferrell in "Afternoon Delight", from Anchorman.
• For want of a small change to the Illinois election law, President Bush's name is not supposed to be on the state's November ballot
  • Officials said one way or another, it will be there, no matter how many laws they have to break.
  • Representatives of the Diebold company said it was not an important issue, since the voting machines will give the President 54.7% of the Illinois vote irrespective of how people actually vote.
• Stars Take Center Stage at Kerry Fund-Raisers. "We did very well with younger voters in the primaries but they will be a hard-fought battleground in the general election, so concerts such as these are an enormous asset to us". Yeah, Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand are the real key to that younger voter demographic!
• Iverson's ticketed for parking in a handicapped spot. I say give him a pass. I saw him play this year.
• An Australian kids' show has stirred up controversy with a storyline featuring a young girl's two mothers.
• Yahoo Plays Favorites with Some Adware
• Capitol Hill Blue says Bush Knew About Leak of CIA Operative's Name: "Witnesses told a federal grand jury President George W. Bush knew about, and took no action to stop, the release of a covert CIA operative's name to a journalist "
• Court rules strippers must wear ID cards: "The industry contends that its businesses are singled out for such treatment and that requiring dancers to display their real names could endanger their safety. Most perform under stage names. "
• As of May 25, North Korea has recalled all mobile phones from its citizens.
• Larry King's interview with Bill Maher
• Al Gore calmly insists he's not insane. He says the little men in his head are his friends, and even have names.
• Clinton on the campaign trail for his memoir. He heard that writers have groupies.
• J.K. Rowling And Her Magical Cash Cow. The author is now a billionaire.
• Ru-Master 5 - the ultimate heavy-duty cow magnet!
• Amazing - Paul Smith's Typewriter Art
• Janet Jackson Says She Has a Sexual Mind.
• President Bush's Telegram Thanking Ahmed Chalabi
• George J. Tenet, the head of the Central Intelligence Agency, has resigned, for the "well-being of his wonderful family". Apparently, somebody threatened to hurt his kids if he didn't resign.
• The Ring 2 now has an Official Movie Site
• The trailer for the documentary With All Deliberate Speed : "Documentary filmmaker Peter Gilbert unearths the legacy of the landmark Supreme Court decision in Brown v. Board of Education -- where it was ruled that 'in the field of public education, the doctrine of 'separate but equal' has no place' -- via never-before-heard stories from people directly responsible for, and greatly affected by, the original case."
• USA leads the world in mental illness. U-S-A! U-S-A!
• Reichstag shoot is not mission impossible
• Can politically-charged films affect votes? Absolutely. I considered voting for Clinton after I saw Showgirls.
• Pentagon starts polygraph testing in Chalabi inquiry
• Australian censors say latest Harry Potter film not for kids
• Alligator Walks Into Fla. Restaurant. Where's Henny Youngman? OK, I'll do it ... Maitre d' says, "we don't get many alligators in here". Gator says, "at these prices, I'm not surprised"
• President Bush has lined up an outside lawyer for legal advice in the CIA operative leak. WTF? Until I read this, I didn't think he had anything at all to do with that in any way. It's Cheney and his men who are targeted by the investigation. But if that's the case, why would he need a lawyer?
• Protests banned in Paris for Bush visit. Call me crazy, but I predict that there will be plenty of French protests anyway. Maybe even more than there would have been if they were not banned. The French do not take this sort of thing lightly.
• The official site has posted two more TV spots for The Chronicles of Riddick. (If you are at work, or surfing while people are sleeping, turn your sound way down. This site is one noisy-ass mofo.
• This week's movies: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: 87% positive reviews

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

The Lady in Red

Pamela Sue Martin was TV's Nancy Drew, and she did this raunchy gangster flick just a few months after leaving the wholesome family series, presuming to change her image. I guess it did the job it was supposed to do, but her new adult image really didn't lead anywhere except to a role on TV's Dynasty and, not too much later, out of movies and TV altogether.

Review page

• PSM in The Lady in Red - dressing. (.avi, .wmv)

• PSM - the classic women's prison "all right you dames, bend over and spread 'em" scene. (.avi, .wmv)

• PSM with Robert Forster (.avi, .wmv)

Cruz'n

Penelope Cruz acted in both versions of Open Your Eyes. The first (shown here) was in Spanish, originally titled Abre los ojos, rated in the top #250 at IMDb, and directed by the excellent Chilean director who would later direct the Kidman ghost flick, The Others.

The second version was an English language remake by Cameron Crowe called Vanilla Sky. Despite the proven winning combination of Crowe and Tom Cruise (Jerry Maguire), the film disappointed most audiences, who expected something more ... accessible and warm from those guys.

• The Cruzer (.avi, .wmv)

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

• Amber Smith (1, 2)

Next up, a whole bunch of paparazzi edits.

• Agnes Bruckner...great shirt!

• Alex Best, the UK babe caught topless by the paparazzi.

• Alexa Vega, the "Spy Kids" star.

• Alison Lohman, partial breast views. (1, 2)

• Alyson Hannigan, the "Buffy" and "American Pie" star looking good on the red carpet.

• Angelina Jolie, pokies and some partial breast exposure. (1, 2)

• Angie Everhart

• Avril Lavigne

• Dina Meyer

• Emma Bunton, the UK singer formerly known as "Baby Spice".

• Geri Halliwell, the Spice formerly known as "Ginger" showing some cleavage.

• Inma del Moral the Spanish model/actress caught topless at the beach. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Jennifer Aniston, in a bikini.

• Natalie Portman's dress turns see-thru under the flash bulbs to reveal just a hint of thong!

"Police Academy" (1984)
Classic comedy in which Kim Cattrall kept on both her pants and shirt. Also, one of the topless bit actresses has been recently identified.

• Kim Cattrall: braless pokies.
• Julie McLeod: topless as a "Martin's Lady".
• Various: the other five Martin's Ladies, some topless.

"Show Me Yours: episode If You Can't Take the Heat"
All the actresses kept their tops on in this week's episode but alot of action below the skirt.

• Rachael Crawford: upskirt having sex.
• Rachel Wilson: major upskirt.
• Kathryn Zenna: bare buns having sex in dream sequence.

"Hollow Point" (1995)
Russian mob thriller starring Funhouse favorite Donald Sutherland

• Tia Carrere: cleavage.
• Kimberly Madden: robo-hooter cleavage as stripper.
• Penny Mancuso: mega-cleavage but natural D-cups.

"Sam & Me" (1991)
Gina Wilkinson's natrual D-cups almost runneth over.

• Gina Wilkinson: mega cleavage.

• Dayle Haddon, the French-Canadian actress topless and showing far off rear nudity. (1, 2)
• Dayle Haddon .wmv

• Bonus nudity from Haddon...Topless and rear views from "The French Woman". (1, 2)

  
  

• Jennifer Cooke, topless. Horror film will recognize her from "Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives" (1986) (1, 2, 3)
• Jennifer Cooke .wmv

  
  

• LaGena Hart, a former Miss Hawaiian Tropic also going topless. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• LaGena Hart .wmv

McCARTNEY REVEALS BEATLE SONGS' DRUG LINKS
Every Single Day Of My Life! - Paul McCartney told the Daily Mirror newspaper that people overestimate the influence of drugs on the Beatles' music, but there are some connections. He said for about a year around the time of "Sgt. Pepper," he used cocaine balanced with pot, but decided that was "not so cool an idea" and stopped. He also said "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" and "Day Tripper" are both about LSD, and "Got To Get You Into My Life" is "directly about pot, although everyone missed it at the time."