Junior will return for three days starting tomorrow, then "I'll be Back."

Vital Signs (1990)

Vital Signs is a soap opera about third year medical students. You know the drill. When off duty, the dedicated doctors have romances with one another. When on duty they scream, "Live, damn you!" as they pound furiously on their patients' chests.

There is one great mystery surrounding this film. Perhaps you think of yourself as a rational and skeptical person who believes that time travel is impossible. Well if that is so, this film will test your confidence in that belief. Somehow, a 1982 genre parody called Young Doctors in Love managed to parody Vital Signs almost scene-for-scene even though Vital Signs was released in 1990.

I can only offer two possible explanations:

Either:

1) Vital Signs represents the only case in history where a serious movie was created by stripping the humor from a parody, thus allowing itself to be pre-satirized for your protection. It would be the exact equivalent of taking the script from Blazing Saddles, removing every bit of humor and the silly modern day epilogue, thus creating an inspiring, cliché-ridden Western.

Or, and this seems to me the more likely explanation:

2) The writer and director of Young Doctors in Love journeyed into the future, watched Vital Signs, and wrote a parody of it.

I guess I could stop being a smart-ass and admit that there is undoubtedly a far more rational explanation available. I must have be unaware of or have mercifully forgotten at least one and probably several pre-1982 films which are completely indistinguishable from Vital Signs. I will wager that this particular version of the story film is distinguished from similar earlier films only by the graphic and sometimes bloody detail in the surgery scenes and other medical emergencies.

That paragraph alone should tell you whether you want to see it.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to write. If you want to see Young Doctors in Love minus the jokes, plus Diane Lane's breasts, this is your movie.

• Diane Lane (1, 2, 3)

The Machinist (2004)

SPOILERS (no revelation of the major secret, but enough info to spoil some elements)

The machinist is a man who has not slept in a year, and his mind is disappearing as fast as his body. His life is unraveling. His lack of sleep makes him dangerous on the highways, and even more dangerous in a workplace filled with enormous machines. We can see that something happened a year ago to start this snowball down the machinist's mental hill, but we cannot see exactly what it is. We are allowed looks into his subconscious in the form of his delusions, and within those imaginary episodes are clues to the events which precipitated his instability, but the mystery is shrouded by the fact that we are trapped inside his mind, and have no way to know when he's thinking clearly and when he's delusional.

Critical opinion was sharply divided on The Machinist. The reviews generally focused on some combination of these four things:

1) A brilliant performance by the 190 pound Brit Christian Bale as a 130 pound American. Bale looked frighteningly skeletal. He's a good actor to begin with; he's very good with accents; and he actually lost 63 pounds on a daily diet which consisted of one can of tuna and one apple.

2) Plot similarities to Memento and Fight Club. There is a character named "Ivan" who can be seen only by the machinist himself. As many reviewers noted, that portion of the secret was obvious, a bit clumsy, and quite derivative of Fight Club. On the other hand, the identity of "Ivan" was only part of the mystery, and I thought the rest of the details were handled quite cleverly.

3) Explicit ugliness and gore. The Philadelphia Daily News said, "The movie is ingeniously designed. It is also repulsive and I wish I hadn't seen it."

4) The fact that the double secret probationary ending was too obviously foreshadowed and/or revealed earlier in the film

There's plenty of truth in all of those statements. I did catch on to the secret (or at least a big chunk of it) early in the film, but that didn't keep me from enjoying the way in which it was revealed. In fact, when I looked back on the film, I felt that the film's author had done quite a clever job at showing how the lead character's delusions were oblique reflections of his suppressed memories.

It's a grim and depressing movie, and is certainly not a wide-audience popcorn kind of experience. It is fundamentally a very arty and depressing episode of The Twilight Zone stretched to feature length. As noted by the critics, it's similar to but not as cool as Fight Club. It's also similar to but not as original as Memento. Given its grim tone and the fact that many people viewed it as derivative, The Machinist was shoveled into mini-arthouse theatrical distribution, and did virtually no box office. It won't do much better on video, because the high-volume Blockbuster in my neighborhood did not even order one copy of the DVD for rental  - despite the fact that the film stars Christian Bale and came out on video the same day as the world premiere of Batman! 

I don't mean to imply that the film's narrow appeal indicates a lack of quality. Not at all. The Machinist has an intriguing story, and is performed well, especially by Christian Bale, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Michael Ironside. I was not only hooked into the mystery plot, but I also admired all the work that went into the film's sights and sounds. The director, the cinematographer, and the composer managed to do an excellent job on the look and tone of the film, allowing the audience to share the machinist's distorted perspective. The script allowed the audience to understand more about the delusion than the machinist could understand, yet not too much more. By never fully pulling away the veil of madness, the director allowed the mystery to unravel at the proper pace. Although I can see why the film would be unattractive to most filmgoers, I thought it was terrific.

• Jennifer Jason Leigh (1, 2, 3)

Other Crap

• The Sun Online - News: Mr Spock can see Uranus! "STAR Trek legend Mr Spock has boldly gone on his bravest enterprise yet - photographing fat women NAKED."
• Mrs Robinson has joined Joltin' Joe. "Legendary actress Anne Bancroft died of cancer on June 7 at Mount Sinai Hospital, according to an Associated Press report. She was 73."
• Jessica Simpson Fucked My Boyfriend! According to Bam Margara's ex-girlfriend, Jen. The story was also repeated by Margara's own father. Bam, however, said his dad was "full of shit."
• In a sweet peace offering, Brooke Shields sends Tom Cruise two tickets to Chicago. “If he wants to see Chicago, I've left him two tickets - one adult, one child," so he can bring his girlfriend.
• The trailer from 'Rent'
  • Based on Puccini's classic opera La Boheme, Jonathan Larson's revolutionary rock opera "Rent" tells the story of a group of Bohemians struggling to live and pay their rent in the gritty background of New York's East Village. "Measuring their lives in love," these starving artists strive for success and acceptance while enduring the obstacles of poverty, ilness and the AIDS epidemic. One of the longest running shows on Broadway, "Rent" was the winner of the 1996 Pulitzer Prize for Drame, the Obie Award, the New York Drama Critics Circle Award, four Tony Awards and three Drama Desk awards.
• Three new clips from My Summer of Love
  • 'My Summer of Love' is this summer's most intoxicating and intriguing romance. From Pawel Pawlikowski, the award-winning director of 'Last Resort,' comes a tale of obsession and deception, and the struggle for love and faith in a world where both seem impossible.
• The Boston Globe gets John Kerry's college transcripts. Kerry's Yale record was actually worse than Bush's
  • Kerry had four Ds in his freshman year alone, but Bush had only one D in his entire four years, and that one missed a C by only one point.
  • Kerry had no As or Bs at all in his freshman year, scoring the four Ds and six Cs.
  • Overall, the two men finished with nearly identical averages: Bush 77, Kerry 76.
  • To me the most amazing thing is that neither of them ever got an A. Not one single A. Ever.
• The Daily Show's Produce Pete cozies up to a bunch of old fruits.
• Jon Stewart interviews Russell Crowe The actor admits he'd rather get hit in the face than have electrodes on his testicles.
• A strange animal-like creature walks upright among us. If I'm not mistaken, it's Paul Giamatti.
• URL says it all: poopiecookies.com
• Swedish herring museum creates a stink. As the official Sildakongen, I am required to be there for the foul-smelling opening ceremonies.
• The unofficial DICK CHENEY FAN CLUB. Take a respite from arguing about politics policy. Let's talk about something we can all agree upon: the beautiful human being that is Vice President Dick Cheney.
• A shitpile of clips from Mr. and Mrs. Smith
• The trailer for Murderball
  • "The notion of quadriplegic athletes may be unimaginable to some, but Murderball shows that they can be as great as any. The film chronicles these men as they overcome unimaginable obstacles to become world-class athletes. Murderball (aka quad rugby) combines the finesse of soccer with the bone-jarring collisions of a demolition derby. The athletes use custom wheelchairs that look like something out of a Mad Max movie. Players careen around the court with reckless abandon, slamming into each other, fueled by an unrivaled competitive spirit. Their ultimate goal is to win a gold medal at the Paralympics. Team USA has dominated the sport for years. But when Joe Soares, a gold medalist in 1996 and one of the best ever to play the sport, gets cut from the team, he becomes coach of Team Canada with one goal: beat Team USA at the 2004 Athens games. What follows is a roller-coaster ride of human drama, athletic excellence, and heart-stopping competition that couldn't have been scripted any better."
• The trailer for the animated film Open Season. "A deer buddies up with a domesticated grizzly bear when the two animals are alone in the woods during hunting season. Meanwhile, Beth, a forest ranger who raised the bear, embarks on a desperate search to find her friend."
• Letterman's: "Top Ten Ways To Cheer Up Saddam Hussein" ... "Three words: Los Angeles jury"
• The Daily Show: "The President parades babies on national television to show they shouldn't be exploited."
• BOLTON'S ANGER TIED TO GAMMA RAY ACCIDENT. "Don't make me angry," the U.N. nominee told reporters. "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
• "Charlotte Church has topped a gay icon list" Topped? So she beat Bette Midler, Liza Minelli, Cher, and Judy Garland? I'm impressed. (And surprised)
• Pistons win the right to get swept by the Spurs. Just joshin'. Kinda. The Heat led 74-68 halfway through the fourth, but couldn't close the deal.
• Jolie performed one of her own stunts in the dominatrix skirt - and forgot to wear underwear.
• "Rawhide," as sung by Frankie Laine and Screamin' Howie Dean
• The Sun's incredibly cheesy dramatic re-enactment of Crowe's crime.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Death Dancers (1993) is hands down the worst film Troma has ever released. This is the easiest F I have ever awarded. In addition to being technically incompetent, it is impossible to follow. I was able to surmise that it has a BDSM theme, and includes a police undercover operation, and that Deborah Dutch is the head dominatrix. Other than that, I am totally lost here.  It is a travesty that IMDb scores it so highly, at 1.1, with no reviews or comments.

We have full frontal from Deborah Dutch, Sunset Thomas, and several unknown women.

• Thumbnails (1, 2)
• Deborah Dutch. ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
• Sunset Thomas ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
• Unknowns. ( 1, 2, 3, 4)

This movie is also reviewed in the Movie House. I had about the same take on it.

(You may remember her as the sexy wife of the ugly boil-encrusted redneck in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle)

Betsy Russell (1, 2, 3, 4)

Brinke Stevens (1, 2)

Lori Plager

Get Cinderella's Prints

Russell Crowe was arrested for assault Monday morning in Manhattan, after he allegedly threw a phone in a hotel clerk's face.  Crowe's publicist released a statement saying he was frustrated by a faulty phone in his room and by the hotel's unwillingness to help him call his family in Australia.  So he brought the phone to the front desk, where "words were  exchanged."  Crowe says he threw it against the wall and regrets losing his temper, but denies hitting the clerk with it.

• Trust me, when a clerk is hit with a phone by Russell Crowe, he KNOWS it.
• That clerk should just be grateful Russell didn't get a faulty bathtub.
• The cops gave him one phone call...local...and stood 'way back.

Implanting Bad Ideas

A survey of 15-to-19-year-old British girls by www.thelab.tv found that 63 percent would rather be nude glamour models than nurses, teachers or doctors.  25 percent thought being a lapdancer was a good  profession, compared to only 3 percent for teacher.  Nearly half thought busty models Jordan and Abi Titmuss were good role models, compared to 9 percent for "Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling and 4 percent for feminist writer Germaine Greer. A spokesman blamed the constant media coverage of scantily-clad sexpots, saying that teens see taking your clothes off as a great way to become rich and famous.

• And marry Donald Trump.
• Hey, it didn't help Germaine Greer.
• I thought their role models were talented singers, like Christina Aguilera.
• The good news for men is that if they ever need a nurse, they'll probably get one who wanted to be a porn star.
• Bad news for the 19-year-olds: they're already too old for Hugh Hefner.
• They'll make enough money to retire at 25, which is good since they'll HAVE to retire at 25.
  
  
   

Got An Extreme Makeover, But Still A Dog

Veterinarians at an animal clinic in Moscow reportedly had to treat a dog whose genitals had been bitten through in a dog fight.  They normally put such dogs down, but they decided to try a radical experiment to save it:  they gave the dog a sex change.  They castrated the dog, surgically created a vagina and even used a little silicone to create fake nipples for it.  They say after it recovers, it will still behave like a male dog, but the lower male hormones will make it show much less interest in female dogs.

• It will find them all to be bitches.
• He got a sex change because he was attacked by a castrating bitch.
• Now, he can tell all the other dogs that there are worse things than being neutered.
• The operation was paid for by the Association of Russian Veterinarians With Way Too Much Time On Their Hands.
   

The Fruit Gene

Researchers at the Austrian Academy of Sciences discovered that all they had to do was alter one gene in fruit flies to make them "turn
gay" and begin exhibiting the mating behavior of the opposite sex.

• But then, how macho could a fruit fly be in the first place?
• Can they try this on that poor dog in Moscow?
• If this also applies to humans, someday, the top-rated show on TV could be the Tony Awards.

Best...Job...EVER!

Internet Movie Database News reports that after a test screening of the new kids' movie "Herbie: Fully Loaded," Disney got complaints
from parents that Lindsay Lohan's curves were too sexy.  So they hired computer techies to digitally reduce her breasts by two cup sizes.  They were also told to raise her neckline in some scenes and pay special attention to any scenes in which she was jumping up and down.

• Trust me, they already were.
• This is the exact opposite of what they do when they retouch photos for the Internet.
• They should've just renamed the movie "Lindsay: Fully Loaded," and marketed it to dads.
• It would've been cheaper to remove the implants and put them back in later.

"Emetic"

The New York Post's Page Six reports that Britney Spears must be having a daughter, since she was spotted buying lots of expensive designer baby clothes, all for girls.  At least that production is going better than her UPN show "Chaotic," which chronicles her love life with Kevin Federline.  After three episodes, ratings have rapidly dropped 42 percent among 18-to-49-year-old viewers.

• Thank God, impressionable 12-year-old girls are still watching!
• About 20 percent of the people who watched the first episode are still in the shower, trying to scrub it off.
• By the time they televise the birth, the audience will be completely gone.
• Britney took her mind off it by buying lots of cute little push-up bras and bare-midriff sleepers.

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