Oops. Looks like I'm back at the helm. Junior was going to do some work while on vacation, and that turned out to be impractical!

Updates:

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated. Big update this week.

Unfaithfully Yours (1984):

It's time once again to test your knowledge of Hollywood formulas. Sharpen up those #2 pencils, and be sure to blacken the entire box beside the correct answers.

1) Unfaithfully Yours stars Dudley Moore as a composer/conductor. The script will mine this rich vein to:

a. Reveal the deep layers of humor within the world of classical music.

b. Give Dudley Moore a chance to act drunk.

 

2) In the course of the film, Dudley Moore will find himself:

a. Struggling with the mysteries of life, especially his ubiquitous sense of mortality.

b. Making a fool of himself because he's in love with a younger, taller, soberer woman.

 

 3) Dudley speaks no Italian. He tells his Italian butler/chef to keep an eye on his young wife (Nastassia Kinski). The butler:

a. Bravely sacrifices one of his own legs to rescue Kinski from some street thugs.

b. Misunderstands Dudley and hires a private eye to follow Kinski.

 

4) Kinski is completely in love with Dudley, and is not cheating on him, but the private eye finds ...

a. A link between Iran and the Contras

b. A preposterous coincidence that makes it seem as if Kinski is cheating with Dudley's womanizing best friend (Armand Assante)

 

5) Confronted with his wife's seeming infidelity, Dudley ...

a. Maturely confronts her with what he knows, whereupon she clears up the misunderstanding and forgives him for doubting her.

b. Goes to his friend's house, where - by another preposterous coincidence - he finds an unusual broach exactly like one his wife owns.

c. Acts really drunk

d. Both b and c

 

6) When Dudley finds the apparent proof that his friend is fucking his wife, Dudley and Assante

a) Fight a duel in which they both die tragically, thus leaving the beautiful young wife free to marry the simple, heroic, peg-legged chef who saved her life.

b) Have a conversation in which Assante is talking about some other woman in a lusty and cavalier manner, but Dudley assumes that the women being discussed is his wife.

c) Both get really drunk.

d) Both b and c.

 

7) Dudley gets so frustrated by the situation that he

a) Divorces Kinski, immerses himself in his work, and creates a symphony more powerful than Beethoven's 9th.

b) Fantasizes about killing Kinski and framing Assante for the murder.

c) Gets really drunk

d) Both b and c.

 

8) As the actual murder is unfolding, Dudley

a) Succeeds, condemning Assante to the electric chair

b) Moves too slowly and clumsily because he is really drunk. He is stopped at the last minute when, through a preposterous coincidence, the private detective uncovers some missing evidence and, through another preposterous coincidence, is able to tell Dudley about the new facts just in time to prevent mayhem.

9) When the mix-up is revealed, Dudley

a) Can not bear his shame, and moves to a monastery, where his inner torment and deep contrition produce some of the greatest Gregorian chant ever written.

b) Begs for forgiveness, but is initially too drunk to express himself well. After some cartoony stumbling and slurring, however, he manages to get forgiven.

 

Analysis of your answers:

If you answered any a's at all, you are reading the wrong page. You are looking for The Family Circus online. If you answered a to question six, you have seen too many Vittorio DeSica movies.

With a gender reversal, this desperate-for-a-laugh film might make a good thirty minute episode of I Love Lucy.

• Kinski = Ricky
• Dudley = Lucy
• Assante = guest star Ava Gardner. Lucy thinks Ricky is in love with her.
• Albert Brooks and Cassie Yates = Fred and Ethel Mertz

OK, maybe not a GOOD episode.

In a way you have to respect a movie which not only features Dudley Moore acting drunk, but also Armand Assante impersonating a drunken Dudley Moore. It is a shame that Dudley died before CGI became so sophisticated, because I would like to see a movie in which a drunken Dudley Moore plays every character. Except maybe a guest appearance by Foster Brooks. Unfortunately, the appearance of a Double Dud did not confer any entertainment value upon this particular movie. Unfaithfully Yours is just about unwatchable except for some funny Fred Mertz work from Albert Brooks. As much as I like Albert, his inestimable comic presence in a small role is nowhere near enough to salvage this wreck, which manages to clear even the Olympic-class hurdle for lameness normally set by Dudley Moore. In fact, you'll find a picture of Dudley right there when you look up "lame" in the dictionary. It is impossible to explain to a younger generation why we oldsters use to think Dudley Moore was funny. I can remember thinking he was kinda OK, but I can't remember why. I guess he was just part of the zeitgeist; "in the moment." That moment has certainly passed, and it is embarrassing to think that I used to laugh at this guy, so don't ask me to explain it. Extend some understanding, knowing that some day you'll have to explain David Spade to your own grandchildren.

• Nastassia Kinski ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Prime Cut (1972):

As the opening credits roll, there is a long prologue which demonstrates the process of making sausage, from a parade of live cows to the last step of placing the meat inside the sausage casings. There is a moment of surrealism - a human shoe on one of the assembly lines, casually ignored by a mechanical process untended by humans. What does it all mean? Be patient.

The film begins in earnest with a tough guy named Nick (Lee Marvin) trying to enjoy a quiet drink in a Chicago watering hole. He is approached by a colleague and from their conversation we can deduce that a Kansas City mobster owes the long green, some five hundred large, to the Irish division of the Chicago mob. The Chicago boys had previously sent some of their men in to collect the accounts, but those men were killed, processed in meat grinders, and sent back to Chicago as sausages. Aha! Now we understand the shoe in the meat-packing plant. At any rate, the time has obviously come to call on the greatest mob enforcer of them all - Nick the Mick. A reluctant Nick takes the job because the pay is sweet and because he already has a personal score to settle with the Kansas City guy (Gene Hackman). Something about a girlfriend.

That scene in the bar goes on too long but, compared to the rest of this movie, it seems as hectic as the intro to Roger Rabbit.

In order to take on the Kansas City boys, the Chicago mobsters can't just hop on a plane with their tommy guns, so they crowd into a black limo and drive to Missouri - in real time. Or at least it seems like it. We see fields of waving wheat, highway signs that say "St. Louis" and "Kansas City", and more wheat. This is truly one of the great wheat-oriented films. Then the director takes a bold step to break the beige monotony of wheat. We see some fields of sunflowers! Whoa! My heart nearly skipped a beat at the excitement. Then we look out the window of the limo into the nighttime city skyline of St Louis. Oh, hell, still not in Kansas City. Are we almost there yet?

They do finally get out of the car, but things don't speed up much. The rest of the movie basically consists of shoot-outs in barns, shoot outs in wheat fields, shoot-outs at county fairs, and shoot-outs in sunflower fields. All of those shoot-outs pitted Lee Marvin and his fellow Chicago mobsters against a bunch of rifle-totin', tow-headed farm boys in overalls. I wish to God I was making this up, but that's really what happened.

The early 70s represented a time of great experimentation in filmmaking. The smell of cultural revolution was in the air to begin with, and an anti-establishment atmosphere pervaded the film business, which always seems to act as a barometer of the country's changing attitudes. The general climate of anti-authoritarianism was magnified by a parallel development in the American film industry. The restrictive Hayes Code, a set of rules and regulations regarding the portrayal of sex and violence on film, had been replaced by version 1.0 of the MPAA rating system. The old proscriptions had been lifted and almost any kind of content was fair game as long as it was properly labeled. As in any period marking the end of a long suppression, people were keen on exercising the freedom just because it was suddenly there, after having been pent-up for more than three decades. Although superficially a mobster film, Prime Cut provided the basics required by the new cultural standards: it provided plenty of violence, plenty of female flesh, and plenty of thumbed noses to the establishment.

Since Prime Cut is filled with daring ideas, you can assume that some of them worked. Law of averages. The film has some interesting aspects:

• There is some visual imagination. Gene Hackman and Sissy Spacek (in her first credited role) literally run away from the reaper - no, not the Grim Reaper, but the McCormick Reaper.  Just as Hackman and Spacek are about to be overtaken by a gigantic combine in a wheat field, the other Chicago mobsters show up and ram their black limo into the reaper, thus disabling the gigantic machine. The scenes in wide-open fields are stunning in the panoramic expanse of their scope. These scenes have never seemed very impressive on video tape, with a claustrophobic 4:3 aspect ratio, but the DVD presents the film in its original 2.35:1 aspect ratio, and that allows the impressive cinematography to strut its stuff, displaying the beautiful choreography between the combine, the limo, and the pedestrians as they maneuver around the wheat field. Shot from eye level, the limo can barely be seen as it barrels through the wheat, a shark fin barely visible above water. Shot from a higher altitude, the limo leaves a clear trail of damaged stalks behind it.

• There are some wild ideas. Hackman runs some kind of meat business as a legitimate front for his drugs and prostitution racket. The one creative idea in the film is that he runs a very different kind of prostitution operation, one based on the same principles as his meat business. He kidnaps orphaned girls, raises them in seclusion from male companionship, then auctions them off as virginal slaves when they reach an appropriate level of development. Prior to the auction, he displays the girls stark naked in pens, as if they were cattle.

Such subtlety! A reaper coming for your life! People with the corporate mentality who can't distinguish between people and animals! If the symbolism were any more obvious, there would be a train entering a tunnel before every sex scene.

The bottom line is that this is a very slow-paced and obvious film, but with two classic macho stars, and some beautiful grains of wheat hidden among the chaff. It's a decent flick, but if you love films you will think you could take the original footage and cut it into a great movie.

• Sissy Spacek ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

• Janit Baldwin ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

• Angel Tompkins (1, 2)

• Extras (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Other Crap:

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• Submitter wrote: "For those of your members in the LA area: The Erotic Film Series. The American Cinematheque is noted for presenting offbeat series - they are also about to do a Godzilla/Ultraman one also."
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  • Honey, he's got it bad," says the disgruntled White House secretary who leaked the explosive photo to Weekly World News after Cheney -- who often hurls epithets at other men on the floor of the U.S. Senate and in church -- told her to "Fuck off, ho," when she asked him for the time as they passed in a hall.
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• If this were a humor site, it would not be that funny. Given that it is dead serious, it's definitely a hoot. Official Portrait of North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il displayed at an entrance of the foreign ministry in Pyongyang
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Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Extreme Justice (1993) purports to be a true to life story of an elite death squad working inside the LAPD. Their task is to target repeat felons, catch them in the act, and eliminate them from society. Lou Diamond Phillips is invited to join this squad, the SIS, and at first thinks he has finally found his dream job, until he realizes that the group's goal is to have every caper end in a justifiable shooting, even if that means watching young girl get raped, or allowing someone to commit an armed robbery and kill people in the process. His girlfriend, crime reporter Chelsea Field, is not impressed with his new group, and he falls out of love as well when they kill a 17 year old thief wielding a pellet gun.

Field shows her left breast in a sex scene. There are a few good action sequences. IMDb readers have this at 4.7 of 10. It is more or less watchable, earning it a C-.

• Thumbnails

• Chelsea Field (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Today is another "Hankster Light " B-movie day.

First up is Michelle Bauer in a shower scene from "Camp Fear". She is surely one of the all time greats in B-movies, but don't buy this one if your a fan, she's only in the first five minutes and then she's gone. You can see it all in these caps...and it's a really bad movie. So a win-win for Grade-Z movie fans.

• Michelle Bauer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Next we move on to "Raptor". Lorissa McComas shows off her impressive hooters in a outdoor night time scene. Also, one of my favorites, Melissa Brasselle strips down to her bra & panties. Sadly she just will not lose that top! Maybe someday....

• Lorissa McComas (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Melissa Brasselle (1, 2, 3, 4)

A little variety from the Ghost today....

First up, a few teasers from the 1987 comedy favorite, "Summer School" (1987).

• Fabiana Udenio, the Argentinian beauty known to many as Alotta Fagina from the first Austin Powers movie. Here she is looking absolutely amazing in a bikini.
• Fabiana Udenio zipped .wmv

• Kirstie Alley, it's amazing to see what a difference 18 years and 200 pounds make. Here she is showing just a hint of pokies.
• Kirstie Alley zipped .wmv

Next up, The Ghost takes us back to the mid-early 90's for these 'caps and vids from the direct-to-vid erotic thriller, "Night Fire" (1994).

• First we have the original Queen of Skinemax, Shannon Tweed topless and also blindfolded and tied down in some Hankster-approved scenes. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Shannon Tweed zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Rochelle Swanon shows off her robo-hooters in several scenes. A 90's Skinemax regular, Swanson has basically retired from movie making as her only job since 1998 was about 2 years ago. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
• Rochelle Swanson zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Scoop and I have talked about "Deathstalker II" on several occasions, and in my opinion, it's not only the "Citizen Kane" of silly sword and sorcery movies, but also one the the best "We have no money, so screw it, let's just see how silly we can make it" movies. Truly a classic no-budget flick.

JACKSON JUDGE WARNS ON GAG ORDER
If The Underoos Don't Fit, You Must Acquit! - Michael Jackson's judge called in participants Wednesday to warn them that the gag order still stands. He was concerned that Jackson's new "spiritual adviser," the Rev. Jesse Jackson, held a press conference to defend Michael and declare, "The jury has the fate, and Michael must have the faith."

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