Thursday

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To see and use all the Funhouse features, you need Netscape 6.+ or MSIE 5.+.

• Netscape 6.2.2 is available free for download or on CD.
• MSIE 6.0 is available free.

La camarera del Titanic (1997), or The Chambermaid on the Titanic, features some names that, by now, should be familiar. It was directed by Bigas Luna, and features the lovely Aitana Sánchez-Gijón in the title role. It also stars Romane Bohringer. In an accident of great timing, this film capitalized on the popularity of Titanic, and has hence been seen by more people in the US than all of Luna's other films combined, even though it has little to do with the Titanic.

Olivier Martinez plays Horty, a foundry worker in France, who wins his company's version of the triathlon, and, as a prize, is given a trip to see the sailing of the Titanic, including a hotel room for the night. He is approached by Marie (Aitana Sánchez-Gijón), who explains that she has a job as chambermaid on the Titanic, but can't board until the next day, and needs a room. He agrees to let her stay in his, and the two spend a chaste night together. He buys a photo of her from a dock-side photographer, and returns home to rumors that his wife is having an affair with the factory owner. He goes to the local bar, shows the picture, and begins relating a fantasy about what he did with Marie. The story improves each night, gathering a larger crown with each telling.

He is eventually approached by the owner of a traveling theatrical troupe, who offers him big money to tell his story on stage, as anything to do with the Titanic is big box office. Unfortunately, the film doesn't contain the explicit nudity and sex we usually see from Luna, but Aitana Sánchez-Gijón shows breasts through a sheer top after being showered with champaign in one of his tales. IMDB readers rate this 6.8 of 10. Critical response was favorable, with Berardinelli giving three stars. It garnered 100% favorable from the top critics at Rotten Tomatoes, and 75% overall. I watched a Spanish Region 2 DVD, which, unfortunately had no English subtitles. It is also available on NTSC VHS in French, with English subtitles. It enjoyed a minor theatrical release in the US, with a gross of $244K. I am not exactly impartial when it comes to nudity and sex in film, but the restraint praised by many critics didn't thrill me. I would have preferred a more typical Bigas Luna approach in a story that clearly called for more nudity. C+.

Spiderman - on DVD? What the hell? Yup. No kidding. these aren't some chintzy little bootlegs, but real honest to God DVD caps from Spidey. My little secret.

• Kirsten Dunst (1, 2)

I didn't say much about the movie Cold-Blooded, but I dug up some interesting trivia about Michael Moriarty.

I expanded my review of  Kate & Leopold  to a much broader discussion. After watching K&L and reading the AFI list of the most romantic movies, I started to think - What are the great date movies, and why?  In order to qualify - a film has to be popular with both men and women. I found good examples in the IMDb demographics - and some which are considered to be great date flicks, but aren't because men hate them. (Two words: Dirty Dancing). On the other hand, it depends on your definition. If you accept my definition "a good date movie is one which both people like, and I don't mean a date between male homosexuals", then Dirty Dancing is off the list. On the other hand, another possible definition is "a movie which results in sex". In this case, Dirty Dancing is WAY in unless the man throws up during the movie.

There is no nudity in Black Hawk Down - no chicks at all, to speak of.

Other crap:

• The following "JB" volumes were added to the Encyclopedia: Jacqueline Bisset, Josie Bissett, Juliette Binoche
• al-Qaida issues a fatwa against Eminem. Man, who to root for? Those crafty bastards are just trying to get Americans on their side, but it's not gonna work. Well, unless they also kill Geraldo.
• The dumbest probe ever - The vandalism from Clinton staffers was estimated at $15,000. That's what they found after a year of investigation. Can you imagine - and Rep Barr of Georgia reported this as a significant finding, after he and his committee wasted nearly a million dollars of the taxpayers' money on the salaries and expenses of the staffers conducting the probe. And why did he think it was bad - because the Clinton staffers committed needless acts of vindictive, politically-motivated behavior. I agree. They did. It was stupid and immature. So, what would you call spending a million dollars of my money pursuing $15,000 in damage, then reporting it as a significant finding. Oh, let me think, could it be a needless act of vindictive politically-motivated behavior? No, I must be mistaken.  To put it in personal terms, you hired a lawyer to investigate the damage caused by the previous owner just before you took possession of your house. After a year of investigation, the lawyer found that you can litigate for $75 in damages,  and sent you a bill for $4,000 for his time. You wouldn't be too pissed off, except that he called a press conference to announce his triumphant investigation.
• Did you know that Saddam's favorite movie is The Old Man and The Sea? (Not Freddy Got Fingered?)  Check out the "up close and personal" profile in The Atlantic
• Lots of laughs and some great fake banner ads at: www.valleyofthegeeks.com
• Kevin Smith making a PG-13 J-Lo movie? I don't want to think about it.
• Great website: Hollywood Physics

   

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Catherine Bell...the sexy star of the TV series "JAG" topless and baring her bum in scenes from the late night cable series "Hotline". Episode: "The Brunch Club".

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

The "Babe in Bondage" today is an Unknown from the movie "Devil's Prey", and she really gets some rough treatment.

For today's "Hankster Lite", we have Sita Thompson topless in the Skinemax Jimmy Bond flick, "Rod Steele 0014: You Only Live Until You Die". We also get a good look at Bond, Late Nite Bond in links 3-9

• Unknown topless "Babe in Bondage" (1, 2, 3)

• Sita Thompson, topless (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

>From NY Post, Page Six. I have a feeling that if Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek went out together naked, people would indeed notice...

SEEING DOUBLE
BEWARE of two lovely Latinas acting loco. Penélope Cruz tells Elle magazine she likes to go out with her pal Salma Hayek wearing identical outfits, to goof on celebrity-gawkers. "People will walk naked in Los Angeles and nobody cares," says Hayek. "But two people dressed the same? They said, 'Oh my God! Do you realize Penélope Cruz is right over there wearing the same thing?!' " One of their other tricks is to fake eye tics.

MEN SAY "UHN-UH!" TO "YA-YA"
Yada, Yada, Yada! - Movie industry analysts report that an unprecedented 74 percent of the audience for the debut weekend of "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" was female. Reel Source said that most men who did attend claimed they'd been dragged there, and were "averting their eyes" and "cowering in the corners." Some liked it more than they expected, but said they were afraid to admit it. However, one Pasadena man said he was just glad to be going home to the NBA Playoffs, because he thought that movie "would last until next Tuesday."