Suicide Blonde (1999) premiered at the 1999 Fort Lauderdale International Film Festival, and did well enough to land a DVD distribution deal. While clearly a very low budget effort, it was a quick watch. It could best be described as a Tarantinoesque humorous thriller. A lowly valet for a strip joint, who has an "unhealthy fixation" on a stripper who treats him like dirt, is parking a classic stretch Cadillac convertible for 4 Hispanic big time crooks, and bumps into a blonde (Angel Boris). She asks him for a ride home, saying that her crazy boyfriend, who has a big gun, is chasing her. They get to her supposed apartment, and boyfriend shows up wearing a leather jacket with a big scorpion on it and carrying a big gun. The plot was to steal the car. Scorpion shoots the valet, but only wounds him, and the valet manages to kill scorpion.

Meanwhile, the hoods have committed a murder in the strip joint, and have missed their car. They are looking for him, with the idea of horrible torture and death. Boris makes nice with the valet, who ends up killing a second person, and going to bed with her. The crooks start talking about the legendary scorpion guy with the crazy blonde, and are then told that the one who has their car is the same scorpion team.

Angel, Hefmate of the month in July, 1996, shows breasts and buns. Tonya Goodson as a stripper shows breasts. 10 IMDB readers have this at 8.6 of 10. If enough people see it to give it an accurate rating, I would expect it to settle into the low 6.0s, as the film has some offbeat characters, good looking women, plenty of over the top violence, and more than a little humor. It is also a far better looking film than I would expect from a mini-budget production. C.

Updates:

Other crap:

• That's our Bush! The Prez falls off his Segway while visiting Kennebunkport.
• Movie Juice reviews "Hollywood Homicide", calling it "The most fun you can have without renting Cannonball Run 2". A funny review.
• If I were a star, I would be Jim Carrey
• Dennis Miller in talks to join FOX news
• Halle Berry named "Sexiest Woman in the World" by FHM
• Coke employee fired for drinking Pepsi on the job.
• Mandy Moore to use a stunt butt in her next film.

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

"Embrace the Darkness II" is a formulaic movie, in which the formula involves the following:

1) For every quasi-serious scene that moves the plot along there is a babe-exposure scene. This is the MASH formula, so named 'cuz the old tv series used to alternate light-hearted scenes showing the hilarity of their characters with a sanctimonious scene showing the horrors of war. In this case the scenes light on the heart are also light on clothes.

2) For every boy on girl scene, there are two girl on girl scenes.

3) A Hefmate is hired to do major hooter time. So are a couple of B-movie standard-bearers. That's a lot of hooter time.

4) A cross-over pornstar or two are hired to give the ol' gyno-cam a good, long workout... and to get as close to playing hide the salami as anything but a true porno will allow.

You can forget the plot. I certainly did. What you gotta focus on is the principals involved in the exposure scenes. In alphabetical order they are:

1) Catalina Larranga, veteran B movie babe. Lots of hooter exposure and, as collage #3 seems to indicate, a little conjugation of the verb "to love."

• Catalina Larranga (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

2) Diana Espen, who is pornstar April Flowers (aka April Summers). Gynocam and lesbe-friendly action.

• Diana Espen (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

3) Jezebelle Bond, also a cross-over pornstar-type person... one of those who appears to do only girls on camera. Here she does a guy or appears to get real close to doing him. Be warned if you rent this puppy that the guy in question seems to have no cremaster muscle and is thoroughly exposed on camera... I did NOT cap that stuff.

• Jezebelle Bond (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

4) Kara Sinh, a first-timer so far as I can tell, who gets sorta friendly with Catalina on the dance floor. Robo-hooter exposure. In fact, Kara is an illustration of one the top 10 reasons to think your boob job did not go well-- when they turn out square.

• Kara Sinh

5) Katie Lohmann, former Hefmate, in a solo scene that turns into a vampire feast, with her as the main course. I grabbed lots of frames but am sending in only those presented in photogallery part of the extras. The remaining collages will be part of a 4th of July Hefmate treat.

• Katie Lohmann

6) Renee Rea plays the lead in this movie and does a couple of guys and a couple of girls and just plain gives up the goodies, triple B style. What she has to give up is damn impressive. You get hooters throughout, a terrific pokie scene in a white t-shirt (collage 4) and a nice look at her bum (collage 12) and bush in the last few collages.

• Renee Rea (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

Okay, so as I said, a formulaic movie but what a kick-ass formula it is.

Today we turn to television for our contributions.

First, we go all the way back to the sixties for Barbara Eden in "I Dream of Jeannie". True, there is no nudity, but for us old timers that were around in those days, I am sure this beautiful lady caused many a woodie. So enjoy a look at was in it's time a daring show.

• Barbara Eden (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Then we bring it all the way forward to the present for Jennifer Aniston giving us some cleavage on Thursday night's "Leno".

• Jennifer Aniston (1, 2, 3)