Liane, Jungle Goddess (1956) is a West German white princess found in jungle story. Of course she got there after a shipwreck, of course she is heir to a shipping fortune, and of course she falls in love with the scientist who finds her. What makes this one somewhat unique, is that in addition to the native breasts on display, Marion Michael as the White Princess shows breasts through most of the first half of the film. We also have the typical National Geographic Wildlife scenes.

IMDb readers have this at 5.6 of 10. Everything about it is very much as expected of the genre, making it a C.

Be Cool (2004):

From my mailbox:

"Dude, take another look at Be Cool. When Uma is getting up while sunbathing, take another look between her legs. She's covering her left boob with her hand but you get a fair shot at her right boob danglin' down as she gets up. Only about 4 frames but it's there. "

• Here are the four frames he is referring to.

Coyote Ugly (2000):

There is good news and bad news about the new "unrated extended cut" of Coyote Ugly.

• The good news: there is a nude love scene.
• The bad news: in order to see that scene, you will have to watch Coyote Ugly.

I'm not sure if this is the single stupidest script ever written. It is probably not as downright dumb as The Skulls, for example, but it's a contender. Amazingly, it survived scathing reviews to become a mini-hit with a domestic gross of $60 million. It's a chick-flick for young teens and tweeners, and it managed to find its target audience.

It's a film with an easily identifiable Robbins Recipe. If you're a movie buff, you know what I mean. The Tim Robbins character in The Player was a studio exec with the knack to describe any movie pitch in a pithy reference to previous movies. A hopeful scriptwriter would pitch him an idea and he'd say something like, "So, it's kind of a Saving Private Ryan meets Manos, the Hands of Fate?" The Robbins Recipe for Coyote Ugly is "Cocktail meets Flashdance, with just a dash of Little Voice."

I got too complex with that Robbins Recipe. James Berardinelli wrote more succinctly, "It's Showgirls without the nudity."

... and the depth!

A sweet little Middle-America tootsie with a perpetually bewildered expression goes to New York City to become a famous songwriter in the general style of Carole King. She has no agent, no contacts, and no idea how one becomes a songwriter. She finds out that the only hope for her is to sing her own songs at open mike nights, but she can't do that because she has a bad case of stage fright. She is desperate, doesn't know where to turn, is living without hope or income in a seedy cold water flat. She takes a job at one of those show bars where the bottle-spinning bartenders also dance on the tables. Her conservative father walks into the bar, sees her wearing a t-shirt while horny drunks pour water over her.

Here's your quiz. How does it end?

One of the following:

• She uses her meager bartender earnings to buy dope. Her dad commits suicide when he leaves the bar. When she hears about her father, she O.D's, and the police find her in the gutter in the rain, her hands clutching the only demo tape of her songs. The police don't know who she is, and her toe tag reads, "Jane Doe". The camera pulls back to show the squalor of lower Manhattan. The credits roll.
• She is forced to return to Upper Lower Amboy, New Jersey, where she works as a waitress, gets married, has a couple kids, takes a few junior college classes, sews her own clothes, and is really popular on Karaoke night in the local bowling alley lounge. Sometimes she writes and sings songs at the local elementary school on Earth Day, and she sings at all her family weddings
• She becomes a popular bartender, overcomes her stage fright by singing along with the juke box in the show bar, gets a new hairstyle and wardrobe, cleans up as a flat-out fox, gets some gigs, finds the perfect hunky boyfriend, wins her dad's forgiveness, and is a massive hit in her stage debut (after her loved ones show her all their love during her shaky start).

Gee, which do you think it was?

Miscellaneous points: 

• Do you like the song "I Will Survive"? Here's your movie.
• How good are the songs that the star sings and writes? Imagine Debby Boone singing "You Light Up My Life." Then subtract all of Debby's get-down soul, world-weary blues, and hard-drivin' funk
• The shallow, insubstantial bartenders make fun of the shallow, insubstantial nature of Playmates. They have a game where they try to guess the Playmate's favorite movies. ("Saving Private Ryan" is a winner.) We all know that bar-dancing bartenders are so much deeper than Playmates. Here's a tip to the screenwriter. All of those Playmates are brainier, deeper, and more sincere than your characters.
• The bar packs in people tighter than sardines, and they occasionally pour booze on the bar and set it on fire to accentuate their dance routines. Luckily, the fire marshal is around, and imposes a stern glance and a $250 fine for their hijinks!
• The tough-talkin' but soft-hearted owner of the bar has long since forgotten what it was like when she was growing up in Piedmont, North Dakota. In fact, she's forgotten that Piedmont is in South Dakota.
• The final line in the film is , "what do you do when you realize all you dreams have come true?"
• The little tootsie's best friend in Jersey looks just like Monica Lewinsky, and the actress' real name is "Lynskey" - hmmmm .....
• The title, if you don't know, comes from the tendency of coyotes to chew off their legs in order to free themselves from a trap. If a man wakes up with a "coyote ugly" woman sleeping on his arm, he will chew it off rather than wake her up.
• I thought Dish Dogs would win the Year 2000 award for best fat guy cheesecake, with Brian Dennehy in a skin-tight wet suit, but that was easily eclipsed by John Goodman dancing on a bar and dropping his pants.
• Here's another example of the lack of reality in today's cinema. John Goodman was hit by a car. He was hurt, and the car was OK.

• Piper Perabo collages (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
• Piper's full love scene in a zipped .wmv. (There may be body doubling here. It does look like the same breasts from Lost and Delirious, but the camera cuts to a close up every time Piper's breasts are about to appear in a frame with her face.)

Other Crap:

• Sean Penn's Cloud of Self-Importance Now Visible From Space
• Weekly World News - TRIED AND TRUE GAMBLING SUPERSTITIONS
• Adolph Hitler sings YMCA
• One of the best sketches of all time from Saturday Night Live - Will Ferrell as Neil Diamond
• Strange But True (And Really Funny) Job Interview Behavior
• My Family's Dune Buggies Over the Years: 50's, 60's, 70's
• A large stills gallery from Stealth.
  • Jessica Biel, Jamie Foxx, and Josh Lucas star in a movie set in the "Naval Air Force" in the near future and tells the story of an artificial intelligence pilot who is brought aboard to learn combat skills from human pilots. When the A.I. pilot begins to have ideas of his own, complications ensue. Biel, Foxx and Lucas play elite pilots drafted to stop an artificial-intelligence one that has been programmed to kill and has run amuck.
• Bad Girls Hotel. I don't know what the point is, but this site is filled with strange and highly skilled pictures of women who are very, very naked, and it all seems to be free.
• More about the large rocky planet recently discovered
• Watch Free Movies Online - Free Public Domain Movie Downloads
• Retro computer nostalgia: TheOldComputer.Com
• The Jacko cover story from the two major New York tabloids
• Six clips from Bewitched
• About a gazillion clips from Batman Begins
• The trailer for In Her Shoes
  • "Two motherless sisters with a history of conflict break off relations when the more carefree and irresponsible one sleeps with her sibling's boyfriend, but they eventually reconcile with the help of a grandmother they never knew they had. An event movie for every woman who's ever had or been a mother, sister, daughter, grandmother, or friend"
  • Stars Cameron Diaz and Toni Collette
• MirrorMask - Exclusive Trailer
  • "MirrorMask centers on Helena, a 15 year old girl in a family of circus entertainers, who often wishes she could run off and join real life. After a fight with her parents about her future plans, her mother falls quite ill and Helena is convinced that it is all her fault. On the eve of her mother's major surgery, she dreams that she is in a strange world with two opposing queens, bizarre creatures, and masked inhabitants. All is not well in this new world - the white queen has fallen ill and can only be restored by the MirrorMask, and it's up to Helena to find it. But as her adventures continue, she begins to wonder whether she's in a dream, or something far more sinister."
• 'The Brothers Grimm' trailer & more
  • "The Brothers Grimm, from director Terry Gilliam, stars Matt Damon and Heath Ledger as Wilhelm and Jacob Grimm, the legendary brothers who gave us our favorite fairy tales. The film follows them on an enchanted adventure set in a world of heroes and villains, witches and trolls, undying evil and true love, - a realm the two storytellers thought was just make believe... until it came into their world to get them. Now the Brothers Grimm are about to confront all that their imaginations brought to life, as they are caught up in an epic battle between fantasy and reality."
• Where did the D.A. lose the case against Jacko? : Mac Culkin testified that he could not believe trial witnesses had made the 'ridiculous' abuse allegations, adding that prosecutors had never contacted him to ask about the truth of these claims.
  • That was the kiss of death for the prosecution's case, demonstrating two things to the jury (1) the prosecution had placed two (more) perjurers on the stand without double-checking their testimony (2) the prosecution had no interest in finding out the truth (which, after all, is the true purpose of the justice system) but merely in presenting their trumped-up case.

  Ya gotta wonder if the prosecution could have gotten a conviction if they had stuck to a small number of provable charges and reliable witnesses. On the other hand, you have to wonder if they actually had any reliable witnesses.

• Discussing North Korea, Jon Stewart agrees with Dick Cheney - and shudders
• Larry Diamond talks to Jon Stewart about his new book Squandered Victory.
• Some famous anti-Washington propaganda from: "Continental Skiffboat Oarsmen for Veracity"
• The Daily Show looks at Jacko and Screamin' Howie
• The Daily Show's Ed Helms explores the Dean controversy - are they all just pale-faced bible thumpers?
• Great picture of Jacko's attorney, Thomas Mesereau
• Havoc update from Anne-Hathaway.com
  • "We've got a new Havoc promotional still for you. We are working on the server that houses the gallery tonight. It might be down periodically."
  • "The long-awaited official world premiere of Havoc will be at the Filmfest Munchen 2005 in Munich, Germany. The premiere screening will be on Sunday, June 26, 2005. There will be a repeat screening on Tuesday, June 28, 2005. Both screenings will be shown in their original version (i.e. English, with no subtitles). Tickets went on sale to the general public starting on June 13, 2005. Anyone who is at least 18 years old and has a valid Visa or Mastercard can purchase a ticket to see it."
  • "Director Barbara Kopple will be on hand to present her other film at the festival (Bearing Witness), which is scheduled to premiere just 150 minutes prior to the Havoc premiere. I don't know if Barbara Kopple or Anne will be attending the Havoc premiere."
  • Here is the link to the Filmfest Munchen 2005 website
• At 54, William Windsor sleeps in a crib, eats in a high chair and does it in his diaper -- by choice.
• Letterman's "Ten Things Overheard During The Michael Jackson Verdict" ... "We the jury find the defendant creepy"
• A great "actual image" from Conan O'Brien
• Roger Ebert gives ★★★★ to Batman Begins
• Being John Malkovich Ben Stiller : "Ben Stiller has commissioned a new script titled The Mirror, a cannily-written comedy about Ben Stiller, who awakens one day to find his mirror image passing himself off as the real star"
• James Cameron will start in December on his next big-budget film ... in 3-D with custom-designed high-definition cameras. "Whichever film Cameron does next, he also plans to use a photo-real version of the performance capture technology used by Robert Zemeckis on The Polar Express."
• Zhirinovsky is backing a bill that would penalize Rusian women for marrying foreigners.
  • "It envisages severe penalties for Russian girls or women who unpatriotically choose to wed a foreigner, a trend the LDPR believes is robbing the country's gene pool of its greatest resource. In rhetoric uncomfortably reminiscent of that used by the Nazis, the party believes that the large number of Russian women taking foreign spouses is a threat to national security that risks undermining Russian identity and 'the purity of the Russian race.'"
  • And I think we all know how pure that is!
• Evidence "didn't add up," Jacko jurors say.
• A new featurette about George A. Romero and his Land of the Dead.
• AstroPic o' the Day- Gliese 876 System Includes Large Terrestrial Planet. It's not really a picture at all, but still includes an interesting little article.
• Obvious remark of the day: Don Imus calls Tucker Carlson "a bowtie-wearin' little pussy."

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Here are a few more Heffers in our Day Two round up of babes from the DVD "Mystique Lingerie: The Secret of Seduction".

As I mentioned yesterday, he format of the DVD is to take each woman and show her off in a bunch of photos and then in a 4-5 minute-long live-action clip. Light on the action, heavy on the posing invitingly.

• Jessica Lee...the Heffer for August '96 posing topless. (We also get so see some thong views in #9). A few years ago Lee did a little "acting" on the late night cable series "Thrills" as well as on "The Man Show". (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

• Kalin Olson, (August '97) also posing topless and showing a bit of bum (#1 and #8) (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

• October '98 Heffer Laura Cover shows the most in today's batch. We have toplessness everywhere, plus bum (links 1,7,11 and 13) and even some frontal views (links 3 and 9). (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

Today we have both a "Babes in Bondage" and a "Hankster Light" day.

First up we have the Original Buffy, Kristy Swanson in scenes from the straight-to-vid thriller "Bound by Lies". Kristy is tied up with her arms overhead in a consensual scene, sadly she is not naked. The last cap is without the ropes with decent cleavage.

• Kristy Swanson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

The "Hankster Light" portion of the show today features a stark naked Glori-Anne Gilbert in love making scenes from the recent release, "Lust Connection". This one is directed by Jim Wynorski, so you just know it will have gobs of nudity.

• Glori-Anne Gilbert (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

"Stripes" (Extended Edition)
Outstanding, classic 1981 comedy is back in a new extended edition, with 15 minutes of material added (some of which includes nudity).

Bill Murray plays a loser cab driver who talks his best friend into enlisting with him in the Army. By the end of the movie, the Army is much the worse for wear, since the pair almost succeed in starting World War 3. Hey forget the plot, it's just damned funny, and deserves to be called a classic.

To be honest, except for P. J. Sole's nudity, which was great, I'm not sure the added material benefited the movie, because it tended to make things a little draggy. Even worse, the picture quality, especially in some of the added scenes, was really bad, surprisingly bad. The masters must be in tough shape.

Even with all that, this is a top-notch comedy that rates a second look, even if you saw the original.

• P. J. Soles
• Sean Young
• Roberta Leighton
• The Women of "Stripes"

MICHAEL JACKSON ACQUITTED
Proof Beyond Doubt That They're Idiots - Monday, Michael Jackson's jury found him not guilty on all ten counts of child molestation, conspiracy and giving alcohol to minors. Some jurors later said they believed he had molested children, but they hadn't been convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that he molested this one. One juror said she didn't like the way the accuser's mother snapped her fingers at them, while another said she didn't like the way the mother stared at them.