Coyote Ugly:

A quick note: almost all of the Piper Perabo sex scene in Coyote Ugly: Extended Cut was done by a body double named Laura Grady. The breasts are Grady for sure. I checked Mr. Skin's site, and he offered contradictory information. In one place he  said, "The flawless rackage is the work of a double, but the thong-clad can is allllll Piper." On the other hand, he has the thong collages labeled as "Piper Perabo body double," so I don't know the straight skinny on the fanny. We do know that the breasts are NOT Perabo.
 

Knots (2004):

A thumb WAY up for this hard hitting-biography of the small but impressively hung actor who managed to use intimidating violence and his powerful sexual allure to overcome a squeaky voice and a bug-eyed stare in becoming one of the few character actors who could open a picture (as Mr. Limpet, Mr. Chicken, and The Shakiest Gun in the West), and finally in establishing himself permanently in America's collective consciousness as the lovable deputy Barney Fife.

Oh, wait. I'm thinking of Knotts!

Sorry.

Today's movie is Knots, with one t,  and while is isn't as good as the "two t" version, it does have the significant advantage of not being a figment of my imagination.

Knots is yet another "talking about relationships" comedy. Six contemporary urban thirty-somethings get involved in various sexual combinations with one another and the occasional outsider. The familiar characters are all there: the couple with a solid but boring marriage, the sexually predatory bisexual female, the sleazy and sexually predatory male, the nice guy, the nice girl.

The plot, if indeed there is one, involves two parallel questions: (1) what will happen to the married couple after they both cheat separately with the bisexual woman? (2) will the nice girl figure out that she belongs with the nice guy before she ends up married to the sleazy guy?

Knots is pretty much like all of the other films where the characters get together in same-sex pairs to discuss their relationships with the opposite sex. The one thing that really redeems the film, or at least lifts it above the rest of the similar films to hit the streets in the past ten years, is a hilarious performance by (of all people) John Stamos, in a well written role as the poster-boy handsome slimeball who will tell women anything they want to hear in order to get laid, often going to outlandish lengths to create his pick-up scenarios. (To get the idea, think of the crazy stories Matt Dillon made up when he was trying to pick up Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary.) Thanks to Stamos, and Paulina Porizkova as his female equivalent, the film stays light and moves along briskly. The sentimentality is offset by humor and the characters are credible and likeable - even Stamos and Porizkova as the horny "villains" seem decent enough underneath their sexual obsessions.

A bit of nudity provided a plus for the film's entertainment value. Paulina Porizkova showed her ex-supermodel figure in some hot girl-on-girl action, and even Annabeth Gish flashed the top of her bum in that scene. Tone Christensen appeared topless in a minor role as one of the many women Stamos was entertaining. Stamos himself flashed the ol' bum in a deleted scene.

Although Knots had no theatrical release, it's not bad at all if this kind of movie appeals to you.

Collages:

• Porizkova (1, 2)
• Annabeth Gish
• Tone Christensen (1, 2)

Video clips:

Note: .vob files will be played properly by a software DVD player like PowerDVD or WinDVD. If you have one of those, the quality is as good as a commercial DVD. If not, you probably don't even want to bother.

• Porizkova and Gish in the sack (.wmv zipped, 1.6 meg, .vob zipped, 12meg)
• Christensen emerges from the bathroom (.wmv zipped, 1.3 meg), .vob zipped, 9 meg)

Other Crap:

• DivX.com announces DivX 6.0
• Weekly World News: "PENTAGON URGES SCHOOL BAKE SALES TO PAY FOR IRAQI WAR!"
• Statue of hero to gay community draws monumental flak
• Dust off the mantel for a boatload of Oscars, cuz it's Howard Stern's Porky's
• "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas contains a hack that allows you to have sex with willing females."
• Conan O'Brien's coverage of the Michael Jackson caravan
• A clip from My Name is Earl, a show about a lowlife who decides to right past wrongs after he wins the lottery.
• A full episode of Comedy Central's Stella (premiere June 28th) is now online.
• The trailers for Kings and Queen, a new Franch drama.
  • Nora (Emmanuelle Devos) is a 35-year-old art gallery director and single mother struggling to rise above tragic circumstances—a late husband, a failed second marriage and a lover’s suicide—through her successful career and marriage to a wealthy businessman. Ismaël (Mathieu Amalric), her ex-husband, is a disheveled, neurotic musician who descends into a comic nightmare when he is mistakenly committed to a mental hospital. He faces off against the steely clinic psychiatrist (Catherine Deneuve, in a scene-stealing cameo), but his eccentric antics—including an in-house pharmacy raid with his drug-addicted lawyer–earn a ten-day stay that may leave him worse off than when he entered. On discovering that her father is terminally ill and fearing for the future of her young son, Nora tracks down Ismaël at the institution to enlist his help. A series of intimate revelations and reversals further connects these disparate lives, offering several enigmas, as well as a rich examination of love, memory, mental health, and family responsibility.
• The trailer for The Constant Gardener, a new thriller with Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz.
  • Based on the best-selling John le Carré novel and from the Academy Award-nominated director of "City of God." In a remote area of Northern Kenya, activist Tessa Quayle (Rachel Weisz) is found brutally murdered. Tessa's companion, a doctor, appears to have fled the scene, and the evidence points to a crime of passion. Members of the British High Commission in Nairobi assume that Tessa's widower, their mild-mannered and unambitious colleague Justin Quayle (Ralph Fiennes), will leave the matter to them. They could not be more wrong. Haunted by remorse and jarred by rumors of his late wife's infidelities, Quayle surprises everyone by embarking on a personal odyssey that will take him across three continents. Using his privileged access to diplomatic secrets, he will risk his own life, stopping at nothing to uncover and expose the truth - a conspiracy more far-reaching and deadly than Quayle could ever have imagined.
• Stephen Colbert reveals, if you're gonna commit a crime, do it in California, where the D.A.'s are functionally retarded.
• Jon Stewart interviews funnyman Will Ferrell
• The Daily Show's Rob Corddry reports on the Caligulan splendor of Neverland's celebration.
• The Daily Show: "It looks like Michael Jackson won't need that formal Edwardian prison frock after all."
• Defending Guantanamo: Secretary Rumsfeld Releases Incontrovertible Proof of American Hospitality at Camp Delta (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
• Oh, no-o-o-o-o! H.J.RES.24: Proposing an amendment to the Constitution of the United States to repeal the 22nd amendment to the Constitution. For those of you who have been out of school for a long time, the 22nd Amendment is the two-term limit for U.S. presidents.
• VIDEO: "Some guy jumps out of a plane and then attempts to shoot a flare but hits his parachute, setting it on fire."
• Letterman's "Top Ten Messages Left On Michael Jackson's Answering Machine" ... "It's Tito--congratulations. Could I borrow 50 bucks?"
• Photojournalism - New York in the 70s.
• VIDEO: Penn & Teller: "The Patriot Act is Bullshit"
• Obvious observation of the day: U.S. says drug war hampered by Mexican corruption. Corruption in Mexico? I'm shocked, shocked!
• War of the Worlds - remembering Edward Gorey.
• Keri Russell will star in Mission: Impossible 3 Russell is set to portray a trainee agent mentored by Ethan Hunt. The role was to have been filled last year by Scarlett Johansson, but the film was delayed.
• Vin Diesel will star as Agent 47 in 20th Century Fox's upcoming adaptation of Hitman, the best-selling video game franchise from Eidos and developer IO Interactive.
• If you really miss your lava lamp, you're gonna love this program, which animates your mouse-generated brushstrokes.
• Astro Pic - Cassiopeia A: Light Echoes in Infrared.
• Borowitz: POLL: AMERICANS ALREADY MISS JACKSON TRIAL ... End of Case Leaves Gaping Hole in People’s Lives, Survey Says
• Coming Soon! - The Weekend Warrior's predictions for the upcoming weekend.
  • He's guessing $69 million for the Batmeister (new on 3800 screens), $25m for Brangelina's second week, and a mediocre $9m and fourth place for a Hilary Duff chick-flick, The Perfect Man (new on 2000 screens).
• This week's theater counts. New flicks: Batman 3800, The Perfect Man 2000, Herbie 800 sneaks, My Summer of Love 15.
• This week's arthouse movies: My Summer of Love - 92% positive reviews.
• This week's movies: The Perfect Man - not enough reviews for a score. The fact that it has not been pre-screened for critics is probably not a good omen.
• This week's movies: Batman Begins - 80% positive reviews.
• A Mathematical model measures the quality of 'word of mouth' for films.
• Tom Cruise has hired a woman Scientology "minder" for girlfriend Katie Holmes.
  • At Tom insistence, Jessica Rodriguez goes everywhere with Katie, who is converting to the religious cult. "Tom pays Jessica to keep Katie on the path."
  • It seems to me that if a gorgeous 26 year old movie star has managed to stay a virgin, she probably can take care of herself. Just sayin'.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Two of the dozen non-Heffer, non-Pet gals who got all nekkid and stuff in the Mystique Lingerie disk are Amy Miller and Charissa Thompson, two blondes with hooters of the robo variety. In fact, reader be warned: if you are the least bit allergic to silicone, looking at these images and watching this disk will send you straight into anaphylaxis. Have the Epi-pen handy.

About the exposure: Amy Miller does the full frontal tango whereas Charissa shows off only what her surgeon gave her.

• Amy Miller (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)
• Charissa Thompson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

Today for our "Hankster Light" section, we feature the delicious Elizabeth Hurley showing pokies, cleavage and also her very lovely breasts in scenes from "The Weight of Water". This woman is so sensual she just blows my mind.

• Elizabeth Hurley (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Next up we have our "Damsel in Distress". For this one we took the old Time Machine all the way back to 1968 for a peek at Vincene Wallace in a black and white flick "A Sweet Sickness". Our pretty victim is hand gagged and chloroformed by the bad guy. During the process she exposes a boob.

• Vincene Wallace (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

MICHAEL JACKSON TRIAL: THE AFTERMATH
But His Shower Is Still Open For Business! - Following Michael Jackson's acquittal, his attorney Thomas Mesereau said that Jackson will no longer let boys sleep in his bedroom "because it makes him vulnerable to false charges."