The Jacket (2005)

I think The Jacket is terrific, but I hold the minority view. It received only about 40% positive reviews and died a rapid and painful box office death.

Here is my review.

The commercial DVD contains a pleasant surprise. There is a much longer version of the sex scene between Adrian Brody and Keira Knightley.

Collages:

• Keira Knightley from the film (1, 2, 3)
• Keira Knightley from the deleted scenes (1, 2)

Video clips:

• The long version of the sex scene. (Including comments by the director and Keira) (Zipped .wmv, 11 meg)

Man-Thing (2004):

Manuel "Man" Thing, younger brother of Jose "Swamp" Thing, is probably one of comicdom's greatest Latino characters.

OK, maybe not.

I've never read any Man-Thing comics, and this movie, which is theoretically based on those comics, doesn't really explain much about the origin of the Unjolly Green Giant. We know that he is a guardian of the swamp, and his origin has something to do with greedy, materialistic rednecks polluting his swamp.

I gather that he used to live in Crystal Lake, because in the opening scene he kills a young couple after they have sex in a remote place. Well, we don't see him, but we know he did it. Trust me.

We also know that, in a movie named after him, he does not make an appearance until approximately 1:15 into the story. That may seem odd to you but, given that he looks like the offspring of an octopus and some spinach (above), that was probably the correct decision.

Before then, the movie is a story about a new sheriff in some local backwater bayou town which seems to be accessible only by boat. He is investigating some mysterious murders, and getting caught in a turf war between money-grubbing corporate movie rednecks and their sworn movie enemies, movie hippies and movie Native Americans. Like all movie Native Americans, these tribes possess the deep wisdom of their ancestors, who used phrases like "spirit guardian" and "the nexus of all reality." Sweet! I wish my ancestors had talked like that, but they were Polish, and they were more comfortable with terms like "accordion" and "7-10 split." There isn't much potential for ancient wisdom there. I mean, can I call the time-space continuum something like "the accordion of all reality" because it collapses upon itself? No. It sounds silly. So it's pretty cool that ancient Native Americans used four star vocab words like "nexus." In their ancient wisdom, they were preparing for the verbal section of the SATs generations before there was an SAT.

We have much to learn from them.

I do sometimes wonder why, with their ancient wisdom and deep knowledge of vocabulary, they can't come up with a more appropriate term for themselves than Native American. According to the OED, I am also a native American - "Pertaining to, or connected with, one by the fact of one having been born there; that was the place or scene of one's birth, as in native country." Yet, despite my native American status, I have neither ancient wisdom nor fancy-schmancy SAT vocab words. I blame it on the sea. You see, the ancestors of the Seminoles migrated to North America from Asia via a land bridge, while mine migrated here from Europe by boat. If it were not for Captain Fokkin' Stubing, I too would have ancient wisdom. Just my damned luck.

Anyway, the point here is that movie Native Americans have gone through an official political correction in the past fifty years. In the 1950s, they were all evil, whoopin', war-paint-wearin', firewater-drinkin' savages and we knew to root against them because they raped and killed well-scrubbed, hard working pioneers and their cute blonde children with perfect teeth. After the metamorphosis, movie Native Americans now possess fancy vocab and ancient wisdom from their ancestors, which their ancestors in turn got from the hawk and the panther and SAT prep courses. We know to root for them because they embody respect for nature and never fail to oppose money-grubbing rednecks with toothless blonde children.

Similarly, we know that all white Americans from outside of Los Angeles are hard-cussing mobster Northerners or toothless redneck Southerners who think about nothing but making money. Just as all Native Americans in the movies are good, all corporations in the movies are bad, despite the fact that most big movies are made by corporations. It's a subset of the Mudd's Robot's Paradox. In most businesses, making money is the raison d'etre. In the movie business, making money is a bad thing.

As evidenced by the making of Man-Thing.

This film was lensed in 2003 with a production budget estimated by various sources from $20 to $30 million. With a budget like that there must once have been plans to release it theatrically, but it languished on the shelves at Artisan until their catalogue was acquired by Lion's Gate. Lion's Gate's executives must have realized it was a total turkey, so they decided to cut their losses and foisted it off on the Sci-Fi channel, which is desperate for original programming.

Despite the massive cost, there is nobody in the cast whom you have ever heard of or seen before, and probably nobody you will ever hear from again, unless you are Australian. The only semi-identifiable face belongs to veteran Aussie character actor Jack Thompson, who plays the older of father and son bad guys. The star, the sheriff who is trying to sort out the murders, is supposed to be from Louisiana or some other swampy and all-American place but, for reasons never explained by the script, he speaks with an Australian accent. The rest of the characters in the film seem to have learned their Louisiana dialects from endless viewings of Vivien Leigh in A Streetcar Named Desire.

As for the tentacled spinach himself, Man-Thing's best moment comes when he uses one of his many tentacles to whack some guy in the man-thing. It must be what wrestling announcers would call a trademark finishing move.

Bottom line? It's a monster movie with absolutely nothing going for it except the actual monster. Moreover, the monster itself looks cheesy, has no back story, and doesn't appear on camera until the film is nearly over.

• Imogen Bailey (1, 2, 3, 4)

Other Crap:

• "Google has recently filed a US patent which reveals a great deal of how they rank your web site. Some of it you could never have guessed ..."
• RollingStone.com: The Body & Soul of Jessica Alba
• The trailer for Secuestro Express
  • Every sixty minutes a person is abducted in Latin America. 70% of the victims do not survive. "Secuestro Express" is the frightening story of one young couple's ordeal as they careen through the underbelly of Caracas, Venezuela in the hands of three thugs who've made them their latest payday.
• Daily Show: "Guantanamo Baywatch. Please stop making us feel bad for hijacker-guy. It kills the bloodlust."
• The Daily Show's Ed Helms interviews the residents of Cape May, NJ to discuss their divided stance on Speedos.
• Terri Schiavo Autopsy Released - The Smoking Gun is there.
• Weekly World News: America faces invasion by an armada of Nazi flying saucers -- launched from a secret underground base in Antarctica where they've been housed since World War II!
• High-ranking Kabbalah Centre officer Rabbi Eliyahu Yardeni - "the Jews who died in the Holocaust perished because they weren't studying Kabbalah."
• Online gambling tycoons face jail threat in USA
• One more reason why Vince McMahon should be put in charge of politics: Teresa Heinz Kerry vs Rick Santorum. C'mon, nobody's going to spend all that money on a PPV to see two bad guys compete.
• Lucas vs. Spielberg - The worst best friends in Hollywood.
• Mike Tyson "bit my nipple" - an interview with Howard Dean Angelina Jolie Kevin McBride.
• Jackson accuser having 'difficult time' with verdict: "'He's very down. He's having a difficult time understanding why people didn't believe" his lies, and is reconsidering his career in politics.
• A new-look Pope and a new Pope mobile Ya gotta love the new Pope Safety Helmet.
• 73 percent say they would prefer to stay home and watch a movie on their DVD player, VCR or on pay-per-view. Only 22 percent prefer to watch films at a theater.
• Harrison Ford's girlfriend to play Indiana Jones's girlfriend?
• CHENEY OFFERS TO TRANSFER ALL GITMO DETAINEES TO HIS UNDISCLOSED LOCATION
• Something Awful reviews some of the worst fashion history has inflicted upon man.
• The Scientology welcome package for Katie Holmes
• Tom Cruise isn't real clear on the facts. Scientology, facts, and urban legends.
• Jennifer Aniston says Brad Pitt cheated. "She told (Vanity Fair) she did want babies with Brad, and that starting a family wasn't the issue … The issue was Brad cheated…”
• Conan's quotables: "In Illinois, a man wearing a Darth Vader mask robbed a movie theater.
  • Police said they could tell he was a 'Star Wars' fan because after the holdup, he jumped into his parent's getaway car."
• Fantastic Four - trailer #3
• Wackjob theory o' the day: "The official story about the collapse of the WTC is 'bogus' and that it is more likely that a controlled demolition destroyed the Twin Towers "
• Liz Hurley is planning a traditional Indian wedding and wants to arrive on an elephant. Yup, just something small and tasteful and away from the world's prying eyes.
• Eddie Murphy has signed up to appear in Dreamgirls. He will play James 'Thunder' Early in the film. The movie traces the rise of three backing singers in a trio called The Dreamettes who get their break while performing with James 'Thunder' Early."
• Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor is Batman. "He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick." ( OOPS! Sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael Jackson)
• Terri Schiavo's half-sized brain doesn't change White House view. In fact, they believe that in a great country like ours, anybody with half a brain can grow up to be President.
• 'Ice-pick that killed Trotsky' found in Mexico after 65 years. It was lodged in his skull. Boy, it's always the last place you look.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

'Caps and comments by the Ghost...

Here are a few non-nude pics and vids of Erica Eleniak in scenes from the movie "Strike Force" (aka "The Librarians") (2004).

This movie brings up an interesting question. Has a Heffer "gone bad" when she,
a) plays a stripper that doesn't strip, as in the case of Erica Eleniak in this movie.
or
b) actualy becomes a real life stripper and porn star like Teri Weigel?

• Erika Eleniak (1, 2, 3)
• Erika Eleniak zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3)

Today we have a "Babe in Bondage" and a little "Hankster Light".

For our "Babe in "Bondage" today, we take the old Time Machine all the way back to 1974 for a jungle sleazefest called "Night of the Sorcerers".

When I first saw this movie years ago, it seemed pretty obvious that it must have been a chopped up print. Turns out that the heavy gore and nudity was only available in a Dutch version with subtitles. So what we have here is Barbara Rey tied up and having the clothing literally whipped of her body. This is a rather realistic scene which ends with her head being chopped off (I left that part out). Next time we will have another cute victim in a similar scene.

• Barbara Rey (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

For today's "Hankster Light"...here we have Amy Lynn Baxter winding up topless in a scene from "Absolute Aggression". This is a really bad movie. So bad that even fans of bad movies should avoid it at all costs.

• Amy Lynn Baxter (1, 2, 3, 4)

"Man-Thing"
My complaints about this 2005 horror flick have more to do with authenticity than the actual quality of the movie. I grew up in Florida years ago. I've been to the Everglades many times before they ruined it, I know what a real Florida native accent sounds like, and I've met and known several Seminole Indians. Although this film based on a comic was set in the glades, it was shot in Australia, and you could tell.

They got the glades totally wrong. It was indeed a swamp before man's meddling turned it dry, but not like it was shown in the movies....this looked more like a Louisiana swamp whereas the glades was known as the "River of Grass". They made the Seminoles look like western Indians, which they do not, and the accent was some horrible imagined Southern accent which doesn't sound like any Florida native I know (and I know a lot).

As for the plot, it tells of men who are in the swamp drilling for oil being attacked by a mysterious swamp-monster. This guy is no Swamp Thing; he's mean and murderous and sucks the life out of anything he touches. The brand-new Sheriff must try to figure out who (or what) is doing the killing while constantly being badgered by the evil owner of the oil drilling company. One nice touch....the owner's name is Schist, which sounds very much like the German word for shit.

I've never read the comic, but putting aside my problems with authenticity, this is an enjoyable B monster movie, and not much more. It's fun for the most part, but you could almost write the script before you see the scene. Nothing new, nothing different, and definitely not authentic.

• Imogen Bailey

JACKSONS PITCHING REALITY SHOW
There's Already One: "COPS" - According to the Hollywood Reporter, the Jackson family is pitching TV outlets on a six-episode reality series about them. It would give an inside portrait of the oddball clan, and show how they rallied around Michael during his trial. Industry insiders said that while celebrity reality shows are big, the level of interest in the Jacksons is "questionable."

If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!