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Mailbox:
to: Scoop
re: Teri Hatcher
I just read today's funhouse (6-19-06) and in particular
the letter from DS leading off the page about JLH, but one
thing was inaccurate on his comments.
"Personally, I think she is afraid of the "Teri
Hatcher effect": after Teri's
appearance on "Seinfeld" and becoming a regular on "Lois &
Clark" made her a household name, she finally bared
her chest in "Heaven's Prisoners". The view left
audiences with a collective "they are real, but they are
definitely NOT spectacular." After that, Teri was a nobody
until "Desperate Housewives" (a gap of 8 years). I can't
decide if it was a boob job or just a push-up bra that has
helped her, recently."
You as well as I (and any aficionados of celebrity nudity)
know that Teri's first nude scene was in "The Cool
Surface" with Robert (T2, X-files) Patrick, in
multiple dream sequences during which she uttered the cinema
classic line of "Do anything you want to me.....anything."
It hurts me to see people think she only bared her assets
in that dismal post-Lois and Clark movie with Alec Baldwin,
when she was older, thinner, and not nearly as hot as she was
in the earlier film. They were real and while not super
fabulous, I wouldn't think twice about enjoying them.
Anyway just wanted to let you know so you can correct DS's
comments and let those who believe that awful truth can be
enlightened.
BL
Scoop's note: Your chronology is
right, and Hatcher did look much better in The Cool Surface,
but DS retold the story as everyone remembers it, so it's
embedded in our collective unconscious that way. I think I've
mentioned before that this is always the first thing outsiders
ask me about when they find out about my web page. Let's say
I'm playing golf with my son and we're paired up with two
other guys. We get to talkin', and eventually one or the other
guy will say to me, "Why did Hatcher do that nude scene on the
balcony? Man, I wanted her so bad before that, and then when I
saw it all, my hard-on went pfffft!" Based on my golf
foursomes, that scene must have deflated more erections than
any other moment in human history.
I guess the Heaven's Prisoners scene
was so memorable because it happened AFTER her successful
career had created an unrealistically ideal image of her, a
demand to see her naked, and a very high expectation for the
results of that sight. Lois and Clark was on from 1993-1997,
and Heaven's Prisoners hit the video shelves in 1997, pretty
much at the peak of her visibility, during a period when she
was probably at or near the top of those "sexiest women"
polls.
I guess the saddest part of it is
that she really didn't look bad. If you saw a woman who looked
like that in real life, I'm pretty sure you'd find your
hard-on to respond just fine ... but the point was that she
didn't look like the goddess we expected. Cripe, who could
have looked as good as we expected her to? She probably should
never have done the scene. After all, how many 33-year-old
actresses could stand outdoors in daylight stark naked, face
the camera, and look just as good as we imagined in our
fantasies? They'd have to have no sag at all, no signs of
weight gain/loss, and have spent the previous six months in
the gym. And even then there are probably only a handful of
Hollywood actresses who could pull it off.
As for Teri ... She STILL looks fine
to me ... hell, I'd still be happy to look at her thin
li'l naked body, and ten more years have passed since that
scene!
As for JLH ... Y'know, if she had
gotten nekkid in about 1998, when she was about 19, I'll bet
she would have looked spectacular, but I have this to say to
JLH today, "Ask not for whom the biological alarm clock tolls.
It tolls for thee." She's still only 27, but the sands are
runnin' pretty fast through that hourglass.
Other Crap:
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"Did somebody once go
aloft in a lawn chair tied to a bunch of
helium balloons? "
Bill Maher shows his
audition tape for Presidential Press Secretary
"'Cars' became the 50th
film distributed by Walt Disney Studios to
pass the $100 million mark in domestic grosses
- a first for any major studio."
Cars, as reviewed by The
Filthy Critic.
He liked it.
- "Rather than cram a
heartwarming story down our throats like a
ham sandwich into Mama Cass, Pixar fills
Cars with authentic detail that doesn't need
to be there just to sell tickets. It's as
though--get this--they give a shit about the
story. Fuck, I wish that didn't feel like
such a novelty. It does, though."
The Rolling Bridge at
Paddington Basin
Some top-notch
journalism from The Sun:
"DOZENS of German
farmhands perform pelvic thrusts with giant
cow bells over their dingalings"
The trailer from The
Plague
- "Some things will
never change; crime will always pay someone,
your friends will always be your family, and
hate will always breed hate. As the world
shrinks and the class divide grows, it's
survival of the quickest on the streets of
inner city London. "The Plague" follows four
young friends as they do what they can to
get by and get high in the world they are
trapped in. This debut feature film from
acclaimed director Greg Hall, was winner of
Mike Leigh's inaugural Katrin Cartlidge
Award. Featuring music from London's
underground hip hop scene; freestyle legends
such as Skinnyman and DJ Flip lent their
full collaboration to the film's superb
soundtrack. Greg Hall's gritty and genuine
expression of his own experiences growing up
draws parallels with La Haine, and takes the
audience on an uncompromising ride through
urban life."
Listen up, foo'! You've
found the Mr. T Jibba Jabba Archive!
Daily Show:
President Bush rags on a
blind reporter for wearing shades.
Bush Book Celebrates
Handicap Humor
- "Cripple Quips: The Really Funny Humor Of
George W. Bush."
David Schwimmer wins
$400K defamation judgment,
but remains a geek.
Photo Gallery - NBA
Finals Cheerleaders
P.J. O'Rourke on our
China trade policy.
"Trapped in the theater
of Maoism, the Chinese finally noticed the
emergency exit marked 'Adam Smith.'"
Realistic big puppet
walking through the streets
In case you haven't seen
it - Jennifer Aniston's brief nude scene in
The Break-Up
"Jessica Alba Sucks"
I-Mockery's Great
American Road Trip
Des Moines' well-endowed
flood control
(You have to see the picture in order to "get
it")
The Kevin Federline Show:
Father's Day
The Da Vinci Code Up to
$678.5M Worldwide
- Although it is
below $200m domestically, it has grossed
$480m overseas! It has worn the foreign box
office crown for the last five weekends
CELEBRITY STRIP POKER
SHOW EMOTIONALLY SCARS AUDIENCE
- "The contestants
included Danny DeVito, Dr. Joyce Brothers,
Camryn Manheim, Rosie O'Donnell and Ed Asner."
Putting to rest rumors
that the Superman character may be gay,
director Bryan Singer revealed that, in a
surprise ending to the film, he marries Liza
Minelli.
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Movie Reviews:
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
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Erotic Agent (2003)
Erotic Agent is a recent comedy entry in the Hong Kong Category Three
category. A young scholar, who is more or less a dunce, is endlessly teased by
three men, but the leader of the three has a sister that is taken with the
scholar. The scholar also has another benefactor, the Immortal Goddess (Bessie
Chan). When he befriends the Immortal Judge, who has the power over life and
death, his life is really looking up. The Judge rearranges his internal organs
a bit until and he is no longer a dunce, and then Junko Akeno is summoned to
give him some sex lessons.
Unfortunately, the Immortal Judge and the Immortal Goddess used to be an
item. Given the definition of immortality, and the lack of other options about
a billion or so years ago, it is not surprising that the two immortals once
turned to one another for company. Give them another billion years and they
will probably be stuck with one another again. Unfortunately, they are now
estranged, and the Immortal Goddess attempts a scorned woman's revenge that
could be a disaster to our scholar.
There is very good news in the flubtitle department:
I am guessing a dummy ache is the result of too much booze.
Unless you are porny, you can't get a date in ancient China.
He should have just sent an email.
A few notes:
- The music is totally off the wall. The one tune I recognized behind a
sex scene was Red River Valley, of all things.
- There's plenty of nudity, but the sex scenes are too long and rather
tedious.
- This film does not take itself at all seriously, and both male leads
have a real flair for comedy.
Given copious flesh and some laughs, this film is OK as a mindless watch.
C- on our scale.
IMDb has not discovered this one yet.
| Bessie Chan
- full frontal and rear more than once.
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| Junko Akeno
- full frontal and rear more than once.
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The righteous folk down at Something Weird Video packaged three old B & W
movies into one neat DVD, all with the theme of mating behaviors in the suburbs
of Dallas. Well, perhaps not quite so sophisticated a place as that. These are
places, instead, where a girl of 12 who can outrun her brothers is called a
certain name....virgin. And where even after they divorce, a guy and a gal are
still brother and sister. The titles of the movies are
- Common Law Wife
- Jennie: Wife/Child
- Moonshine Love.
The first two offer little more than tease, so the Something Weird folk gave
us Moonshine because they know what we like. Moonshine Love can be fully
explained with three little words: carrot masturbation scene. Yep. Let me 'splain
something to ya.
Three guys in a strip club (where else) plan a robbery. At the scene of the
robbery, which goes about as well as anything you've ever planned in strip
clubs, one guy skeedadles by hitching a ride in a pickup driven by a moonshiner
and his two gals (who are not daughters but are much younger than he is and seem
to like hanging around). The robber falls off the truck and, as is the way of
these things, suffers complete retrograde amnesia...he cannot remember a thing.
Life is idyllic for a while but his partners catch up with him and so things
look bad for about five minutes until greed goes one way and love goes another.
The End.
Three gals never to appear again before a motion picture camera give up major
goodies in Moonshine Love. There is an uncredited stripper who goes topless in a
dance that lasts almost five minutes. And then the two moonshiner gals
take over and do the triple B bingo. Genie Palmer does most of the nekkidness
and it is she who I am sending in today. Over a fifteen minute span, Genie
flashes her boobs in a shirt cut down to her navel, does a four-minute
masturbation scene with A CARROT, takes a topless bath in the stream and then
boffs our amnesiac anti-hero. The carrot scene is el primo. Mutliple-angle
full-body exposure....the kind of thing I wish Barbara Eden had done early in
her career. It would kill me but I would die happy. And wait till you see the
damn carrot. I've never seen anything look so much like a schlong that wasn't a
schlong. Amazing. If you saw the guy in this film you would wonder why Genie
chose him over her large, orange friend.
Genie goes topless, intentionally or forcibly, a couple more times in the movie,
which means she spends about twenty minutes with her very attractive hooties out
in the open. Talk about leading with your strengths. Don't know where she was
found, but for a very brief while she was in her element, starring in a movie
that required certain natural gifts and absolutely no talent.
Here are the film
clips. (Large download. Four .avis zipped together, about 40 meg.)
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Oh, no. It looks like my timing is not good. Hankster-sense ... tingling.
DS wants a boycott of Jennifer Love Hewitt, but this is what I had ready, so
it's JLH or nothing - cleavage in "Confessions of a Sociopathic Social
Climber".
Back tomorrow with nudity.
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Pat's comments in yellow...
The New York Times reports that today, Swiss food conglomerate Nestle is
expected to announce that it will pay $600 million to acquire Jenny Craig. It's
the first time the giant chocolate maker has invested in a weight loss company,
but Jenny Craig has had a surprise turnaround thanks to their irreverent ads
following the weight loss of "Fat Actress" star Kirstie Alley.
* The irony: she got fat by eating 100,000 Nestle's
Tollhouse Cookies.
* With Jenny Craig owned by Nestles, no matter which way Kirstie's weight
fluctuates, she can still be their spokesperson.
Sunday was Father's Day, and Avon, Ohio, the Duct Tape Capital of the World,
marked the occasion with the third annual Father's Day Duct Tape Festival.
Sponsored by Duck Brand Tape, the festival honors dad's favorite tool. Aside
from food, rides and entertainment, the festival included the crowning of a Duct
Tape Dad of the Year, duct tape sculptures of everything from roses to picture
frames, and the introduction of Duck's new Ultimate Duct Tape, for heavy duty
jobs such as bundling lumber and holding cinderblocks in place.
* Dad of the Year is gonna have a fun time ripping that
crown off his head.
Rodney Harper of Indianapolis was arrested for bank robbery after leaving three
forms of ID at the crime scene. When he pulled his gun out of his pocket, he
didn't realize he'd dropped three things on the floor: his check- cashing card,
his phone bill and his birth certificate. A police spokesman said, "He actually
came...to rob the bank with his birth certificate," adding that when they rob a
bank and leave their ID, "that's very helpful."
* The irony? He could've gotten a larger loan from the
bank with just two forms of ID.
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