I talked to him yesterday, and he said he'd be back on the job by the middle of next week! (Because the 70-75,000 collages he has already made just aren't enough!) We have no way to know if that is optimism or realism, but he sounded chipper.

I think I'll let him tell you about his experiences when he's back to e-mail. In the meantime, we'll keep you posted on when and how to contact him, as soon as that becomes appropriate.

Dark Town (2004)

Dark Town is sort of a modern morality play passing as a vampire movie.

In the opening scene,  a rich slumlord shows himself to be guilty of racist attitudes in an early scene. It is only fair, therefore, that he end up a vampire, so he can suck the blood of poor blacks and Latinos literally, after already having drained them figuratively.

He starts to propagate vampirism through his own family and friends. Two black gangs converge on his house (and battle in the streets). The city experiences a power outage. The black hero has to team up with a white lesbian social worker to defeat "the man," who in this case is also "the vampire." Hilarity and graphic violence ensue, in the form of vampires feasting on the living, and the living slaughtering the vampires in turn.

I lost interest in this low budget film, which seems to feature improvised dialogue by melodramatic amateur actors, but I did notice some plusses along the way:

• Completely gratuitous girl-on-girl action

• Excellent DV photography transferred faithfully to DVD

• Dead baby-fu, as Joe Bob Briggs would say.

Nudity:

• Thumbnails
• Janet Martin (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Meghan Stansfield (1, 2, 3)
• Ariana Fronti (1, 2, 3, 4)

The Bounty (1984)

This is the Mel Gibson version of Mutiny on the Bounty, with Hannibal Lecter as Captain Bligh. I haven't seen this movie since it was in theaters, but someone did some nice clips, so I converted 'em to smaller files (zipped .wmvs)

• Tevaite Vernette. She played Fletcher Christian's Tahitian girlfriend. She was never seen in any other film before or after The Bounty. Scene 1 (3 meg) is a clip of her and her fellow Polynesians welcoming the Bounty's crew. Scene 2 (12 meg)is Tevaite and Gibson making wiki-wiki 'neath the taka-taka trees. Or whatever. (clip #1, clip #2)

Other Crap:

• The making of a great sports movie: Where is Bobby Thompson's home run ball?
  • In theory, it is now being auctioned off, but at least two eyewitnesses say that the auctioned ball can't be genuine because they saw the ball being caught by a black youth, who promptly exited and did not ever re-surface with a claim to glory. I believe, with Ralph Branca who threw the pitch, that the boy probably played with it until it fell apart, as my friends and I would have done in those days. In 1951 there was no real sense that such a ball had significant historical or monetary value.
• Censored Nagasaki Bomb Story Found.
  • "In 1945 journalist George Weller snuck past the American occupying forces and became the first American Journalist to see the devastation left by the atomic bomb that fell on Nagasaki. His story infuriated MacArthur, who had it quashed. The Japanese paper, Mainichi, has now published Weller's account. CNN has a story discussing how it was found."
  • The main Slashdot link has sub-links to Weller's story as well as the CNN article.
• You might want to see if this guy is living near you. Sexual Offender Details - OHIO Attorney General's Office - Brian Peppers
  • Snopes did some research on this guy, and even managed to come up with some High School Yearbook pics.
• Simon's photos of pregnant animals
• At last! The Truth About Anal Bleaching.
• Latino Review talks one-on-one with one of my favorites, John Leguizamo. Like Jim Carrey and Robin Williams, he's turned into an excellent serious actor, but I still wish those guys would be funny again.
• "Michael Jackson presumably is enduring ... with the help of his family, his friends and his personal magician."
• Headline of the day: Goat Scheme Flounders.
  • "BENEFICIARIES of a government's resettlement programme that involves giving small livestock to needy community members are reportedly selling goats in exchange for liquor"
• Conan O'Brien welcomes an improbable new sponsor.
• Two new clips from George Romero's Land of the Dead
• Here's the International Trailer for Stealth, "an epic action thriller about a squadron of elite pilots who embark on a mission of global consequence to neutralize an out-of-control prototype drone fighter plane equipped with artificial intelligence and the ability to precipitate a nuclear war."
• Here's the international trailer for The Island, which hopes to be a summer sci-fi blockbuster.
• The trailer for Saraband - a new film from ... Ingmar Bergman.
  • I'm prety sure this is not the long-awaited wacky collaboration between Ingmar and the Farrelly Brothers. "Saraband can be seen as a concerto grosso, a concert for full orchestra — only, here, with four soloists," says Bergman. "The drama consists of ten dialogues that follow a particular pattern, and it's an attempt at analysis of a difficult situation."
• 'Five Easy Pieces' waitress dead at 85. Her will specifically forbids cremation because it is a form of toasting.
• URL says it all: http://www.wiemenschlichmenschensindzeigtihrumgangmitdermuttersprachefrsch.de. In this case, the URL doesn't just say it all about the website, but literally says everything that can possibly be said. No need to visit the actual website or any other websites ever again.
• David Spade will do a mock Hollywood Insider show for Comedy Central
• Washington Family Scandal: The Fifth Bush Brother. "The four Bush siblings America knows -- George Jr., Jeb, Neil and Marvin -- are reported to visit their mentally challenged sibling Jethro as much as their busy schedules allow."
• The Smurfs Epic Mini-Series
• The history of Russian matrioshka nesting dolls
• Michael Vick is going to love this page: RonMexico.com
• A script review of Shoot 'em Up
• Wimbledon referee says women should stop grunting. Man, he must be a real treasure in the sack, eh? ... "I do say, my good woman, you really must stop that infernal grunting, or I shan't thrust further."
• Howstuffworks "How the Batmobile Works"
• "At the ripe old age of 54, actor Jane Seymour dared to go topless on screen for the first time."
  • The article is talking about an upcoming Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn movie called The Wedding Crashers.
  • I haven't seen The Wedding Crashers, but even if she is topless in that film, I certainly have to call shenanigans on the "first time" claim. Jane was topless in The Tunnel in 1987. She also supplied some modest toplessness in Lassiter and three other films. She showed her bum very clearly in Lassiter, including some rather uncomfortably revealing shots.
  • Here is the link for her nude filmography.
• Sen Byrd talks about his time in the Klan.
  • "He described it essentially as a fraternal group of elites -- doctors, lawyers, clergy, judges and other 'upstanding people'' who at no time engaged in or preached violence against blacks, Jews or Catholics who historically were targets of the Klan."
  • The Klan? I mean, they didn't *want* to nail heads to the floor. Their victims had to insist. They wanted to let them off. They'd do anything for you.
• Swimsuit model Joanna Krupa bares all in the July Playboy
• Forbes Magazine's Annual Celebrity 100 - the 100 most powerful celebrities. Oprah is #1 overall, but Bill Clinton finishes #1 in three of the four categories. The category that pulls the Slick One down completely from the top fifty is "pay," where he ranks a humble 89th, barely ahead of Ken Jennings, and behind Frenkie Muniz. The top five based on pay alone are George Lucas, Oprah, Mel Gibson, Tiger, and Spielberg  
• URL says it all except "why" - CryingWhileEating.com
• Today Concert Series Front Page - Bo Bice in Rockefeller Plaza (and more)
• Good news for guys with mullets: Onkel Dieter wants you.
• Now THIS would have been a helluva Father's Day gift: Remote controlled lawn mower
• The REAL Coach Carter
• TV SHOW? Two words? "Celebrity Charades!"
• Borowitz: RUNAWAY BRIDE, DEEP THROAT TO WED ... Match Made in Publishing Heaven, Experts Say
• Headline of the Day: "Cheerleaders Disciplined for Feces Pizza"
• China town needs "lifetime" to pay restaurant tab. At a rural restaurant, Chinese officials ran up a bill so large it will take the cash-strapped local government 36 years to pay it off. I told them they shouldn't let Barkley do the NBA recruiting there.
• Busty motormouth actress Sally Kirkland says that Ted Koppel was the first man to touch her boobies. To be honest, ol' Sally has been known to say a lot of stuff which seems - um - romanticized. It is an entertaining story, however, and she tells it well.
• Microsoft clones BitTorrent
• Muslim world isn't big with U.S. students. I'm surprised. Their Spring Break parties are hot, and - oh, those keggers! Just about every college kid in the whole Middle East loves to impersonate the dubbed Will Ferrell as "Kareem the Tank."
• "The director of the CIA says he has an 'excellent idea' where Osama bin Laden is hiding, but that the United States' respect for sovereign nations makes it more difficult to capture the al-Qaida chief." Yah, that's what we expect from our CIA. If they know where bin Laden is, don't go after him, just call a press conference and whine! WTF? Is Jimmy Carter still President?
• Hermes store in Paris denies entry to Oprah "because they have been having a problem with North Africans lately." Say, what? Yeah, she looks so Algerian.
• I love Rio Fashion Shows
• Tom Cruise pranksters could face assault charges. "Four men arrested for squirting water at Tom Cruise at the British premiere of 'War of The Worlds' could be charged with assault on the Hollywood star,"
  • ... and there is no greater crime than "assault on a Hollywood star." That's how they finally nailed Capone. Not to mention Eichmann.
  • For playing a harmless practical joke on Tom Cruise, the fiends deserve worse than merely life imprisonment, but England has no death penalty, so I suggest they move the trial here to Texas, where we know how do deal with people who assault a Hollywood star with a squirt gun that looks like a microphone. They think it was so damned funny? Let's see how much they're smiling when the warden gives the signal to juice up that chair.
• If you can afford $70,000 per month, Ozzy Osbourne's Malibu beach house is for rent.
• Yahoo! Closes User-Created Chat Rooms.
• Big Shot Bob does it again. What is the deal on Horry and the last minutes of a game? Why can't he play like that during the rest of the game?
• VIDEO: Tom Cruise gets squirted with water through a gag microphone.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Today we go back to my favorite..."Babes in Bondage".

I took the ol' Time Machine back to 1981 and came back with 'caps from "The Howling". This is a scene is from a movie that Dee Wallace's character was watching (it's a porno movie in a peep store). The scene features an uncredited Beverly Warren being manhandled by two bad guys and then tied down to a bed. Beverly shows us boobs & bush.

Most of this scene was cut from the theatrical release, but thanks to the miracle of DVD, we get to enjoy it now.

• Beverly Warren (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)

A couple of things to note here: #1 Cruz looks a little rough on purpose. In fact her character is destitute. #2 Apparently Cruz's performance is amazing. Of the reviews I checked out, they all say that this is 'her film' and that her performance can easily be compared to Theron in "Monster" or Berry in "Monster's Ball". #3 This film (and Cruz in particular) earned about two dozen assorted nominations from European Award groups. It won seven of those nominations, including two best actress awards for Cruz.

Tracey Adams
(1, 2, 3)

Raven De La Croix
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Angelique Pettyjohn
(1, 2)

For fans of the original Trek series, I'll think you'll enoying seeing Angelique Pettyjohn nippling out of her top. She of course was one of Kirk's bimbos (from the episode "The Gamesters of Triskelion").

GRAPEFRUIT SMELL MAKES WOMEN SEEM YOUNGER
The Acid Tightens The Skin - A study by the Smell and Taste Institute of Chicago found that if a woman wants men to think she's younger, she should smell like grapefruit. Dr. Alan Hirsch wanted to see what makes a woman smell young, so he smeared middle-aged women with banana, broccoli, spearmint and lavender, and none had any effect on male perceptions. But when the women smelled of grapefruit, men estimated their ages at about six years younger than they really were. But the smell of grapefruit on men does nothing for them.

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