Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals (1977) is a Joe D'Amato faux Emmanuelle (notice the spelling of Emmanuelle with one M to avoid copyright infringement) combined with an Italian cannibal gore-feste. Those who have been following my excursions into 60's, 70's and 80's exploitation and Euro trash films already know exactly what to expect from this one:

Lots of nudity and simulated sex
Heavy gore near the end
A National Geographic wildlife tour
Weak Plot
Decent Photography
Horrible English dubbing

You would be exactly right, except that the wildlife our is confined to birds, snakes, a few crocks, and one ape. Laura Gemser is playing the title role, As the film opens, she is a reporter working under cover in a mental hospital in New York. A patient takes a big bite out of a nurses breast, and Emanuelle goes into her room once she is safely in a straight jacket, exposes then plays with her pussy, and notices a tattoo above her public area. The tattoo is from an Amazon tribe of cannibals thought to be extinct. Nothing will do but finding these cannibals has to be her next assignment, so she collects a professor and heads for Amazonia.

Once there, they collect two bearers, the daughter of the outfitter, and a nun, and head off to a mission to start their search. They camp for the night, and bump into a couple who claim to be hunters, but are actually looking for a crashed plane with diamonds. The couple tells them that everyone at the mission has been slaughtered, and the party decides to head back when the nun is captured and eaten, but the extinct cannibals have other ideas.

Gemser shows everything several times, and has two het sex scenes, and a mild girl/girl with Monica Zanchi. Zanchi shows everything in a masturbation scene, and again with Gemser, and then being raped and rescued. Susan Scott shows everything in a very hot masturbation scene and having sex with a big black guide. Dirce Funari as the nun shows breasts and bush while being eaten by the cannibals. An unknown shows bush as the original mental patient abused by Gemser.

IMDB readers have this at 4.8 of 10. To me, it is exactly what the genre is supposed to be, but covers no new ground, making it a C.

UPDATES:

• Updated volumes: Michelle Williams, Anna Friel, Joely Richardson, Natasha Richardson, Miranda Richardson. Joely and Natasha are sisters, the daughters of director Tony Richardson and actress Vanessa Redgrave. Miranda is not related to them.

Me Without You (2001):

I had to struggle through this one, although it's probably an OK movie.

This is the film which traces the history of a girl/girl friendship from childhood until the two girls have their own children the same age that they were when the cycle began. Instead of honesty and happiness for one another's successes, the girls build a friendship based on jealousy and back-stabbing, even though they genuinely like and love each other. My daughter and my niece both tell me that this is exactly how girls really relate to one another, and so this script may in fact be spot-on in its portrayal of the female friendship dynamic, but I just wasn't interested in that at all, so I found it boring, and I couldn't find one thing to like about the film except the brief nudity. 

And even that was too little, too dark or blurry, and too unrevealing, although it was still welcome because both of the women possess talent and a solid career.

• Michelle Williams (1, 2, 3)
• Anna Friel (1, 2, 3, 4)

Celebrity Sleuth #27:

This issue of Sleuth is now on sale

• Garcelle Beauvais
• Kelly Hu
• Jennifer Gareis (1, 2)
• Sadie Frost (1, 2, 3)
• Kate Dillon (1, 2)

OTHER CRAP:

• Mark your calendar. September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arrr. Link goes to talklikeapirate.com, where else?
• Renee Zellweger to play Janis Joplin
• Your history teacher probably forgot to show you this timeline. The history of breasts
• Jolie to play Russian empress Catherine the Great - interesting angle on the story - Catherine's neutrality in the American Revolution, her failure to support England, was felt to be a key element in the American's chances to defeat England.
• J-Lo whines about her wax butt at Madame Tussaud's. So many woes! Oh, life is harsh for her in her Dickensian, hardscrabble existence.
• French audiences boo the American national anthem in a soccer tourney. Americans show good sportsmanship, and sing along with the French national anthem, "To You We Offer a Cynical Tip of Our Cowardly Berets"
• Jason Rivera weighs in on douchefilms - movies so femmy they have been known to make guy's dicks fall off. Riv says, "A douchefilm is a movie that’s filled with enough Estrogen to make the dicks of an entire country fall off.  A douchefilm is something your girlfriend might drag you to see that you have no interest in seeing.  A douchefilm is something that in large doses can cause homosexuality, or even death."
• U.S. kills Saddam Hussein again. That sucker is the Elfego Baca of dictators. He's got more lives than a Pac-Man player with the patterns memorized.
• Ya gotta love celebs. Would you admit someone to a club if they said, "'Do you know who I am? I'm Tara Fucking Reid?".
• The top 10 songs of each year 1932-99.
  • It is interesting to see the period 1956-60. In 56 and 57, Elvis was a rocker, and owned the charts with rockabilly songs. He disappeared from the charts completely in 1959, a year in which he spent the entire year in the army. In 1960, he re-entered the charts, but this time as a balladeer ("Are You Lonesome Tonight?", "It's Now or Never"), and he would never have another rock hit. It isn't clearly remembered, but the 1960-63 period was a kind of a down period for rock, with ballads making a strong showing, and artists like Percy Faith and The Singing Nun appearing in the top three.
  • Another interesting period to look at is 1953-1954, when Swing was dead and Rock had not yet been born. The charts were dominated by Eddie Fisher and that groovy hepcat, Perry Como.
  • Speaking of groovy hepcats, Bing Crosby had five of the top 10 songs in 1944 - even the Beatles could never manage more than four in a year. Elvis's peak year was three in a year, but he did that three times, and in one of those years he had three of the top four songs.
• Showtime to make a movie about 9-11. The movie will star Timothy Bottoms as President Bush, Scott Alan Smith as White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, Lawrence Pressman as Vice President Dick Cheney and Penny Johnson Jerald as National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice. I doubt if there will be anything to cap. There's probably no nudity, not even for Dick Cheney in his secret undisclosed underground shower, where he bathes in an undisclosed liquid.

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Deadly Dancer (1990)
Very lame movie about fully clothed dancing girls. In fact the lead actress is nowhere to be found on the credits. The only nudity is provided by a dancer tricked into doing a strip tease at an audition.

• Unknown lead: can anyone identify her?
• Denise King: buns and boobs as stripper.

Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell (1990)
aka Mark of the Beast
aka Triangle of Death

TROMA exploitation starring Sheila Caan as a woman looking for her missing twin sister who encounters some satanists along the way. Sheila spends much of her time bra-less and in her skivvies and later has a topless love scene and a distant skinnydipping scene. However, her nude shower scene was done by body double/softporn actress Kathleen Kane. There are also some topless devil worshipers and a topless snake charmer.

• Sheila Caan: skivvies and topless.
• Kathleen Kane: nude as shower double.
• Denise King: buns and boobs (again) as snake charmer.
• Various: topless devil worshipers.

The Immortal (2000-2002)
Lame Lorenzo Lamas tv series only made watchable by his female co-stars.

• April Telek: downblouse.
• Kira Clavell: spandex pokies.

The Outer Limits
Again no nudity because it's the tamer syndicated episodes. But still more skin and action than other primetime series.

• Claire Rankin: downblouse and cleavage in "The Beholder".
• Jessica Tuck: bra-less pokies in "Seeds of Destruction".
• Fiona Scott: partial boob in "Seeds of Destruction".
• Colleen Wheeler: milking her big jugs in "Down to Earth".
• Mackenzie Phillips: sexy in "Down to Earth".
• Last but not least, Jenny Levine: topless in an episode of Bliss.

In honor of the season premier of "Sex and the City", here's a brief look back at season 4.

No nudity, but the babe quartet looks sexy as always.

• Sarah Jessica Parker, cleavage and undies (1, 2, 3)

• Kristen Davis, lingerie and little cleavage (1, 2)

• Kim Cattrall, lingerie and pokies (1, 2)

• Cynthia Nixon, upskirt and bra views (1, 2)

A couple of classic 80's films today...

"My Tutor"
A few people have capped My Tutor, especially caps of Caren Kaye, so I thought I'd add mine. Plenty of topless caps of Caren and even some more interesting views as she goes for a midnight swim. Kitten Natividad and her enormous jugs are on display and there's plenty of cleavage by Shelley Taylor Morgan, who plays a fellow prostitute. There's topless shots of Kathleen Shea, Graem McGavin and Jewel Shepard and nice caps of Amber Denyse Austin finish off the show.

• Caren Kaye (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
• Kitten Natividad (1, 2, 3)
• Shelley Taylor Morgan (1, 2)
• Kathleen Shea (1, 2)
• Graem McGavin (1, 2)
• Jewel Shepard (1, 2)
• Amber Denyse Austin (1, 2)

"My Chauffeur"
Plenty of nudity in My Chauffeur but most of it is not reliably identifiable. Leslee Bremmer and Vickie Benson are two topless women who give Penn and Teller a grin in the back of a limousine, a third topless women I wasn't sure about the name. Deborah Foreman is the chauffeur but doesn't show anything.

• Leslee Bremmer (1, 2)
• Vickie Benson
• Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Deborah Foreman (1, 2)