I talked to him yesterday, and he said he'd be back on the job by the middle of next week! (Because the 70-75,000 collages he has already made just aren't enough!) We have no way to know if that is optimism or realism, but he sounded chipper.

I think I'll let him tell you about his experiences when he's back to e-mail. In the meantime, we'll keep you posted on when and how to contact him, as soon as that becomes appropriate.

Immortal (2004)

Immortal is one of those "green screen" films which mixes live actors with intensive computer graphics, ala Sin City. Like Sin City, it is based on a series of Graphic Novels, The Nikopol Trology, by Enki Bilal. Like Sin City, it incorporated the style of the comics as accurately as possible. As with Sin City, the creator of the comics is also credited as director of the film.

There is one important thing which really distinguishes it from Sin City: the director did not have Robert Rodriguez to help out as co-director. Unfortunately, that created a great gap between the technical proficiency of the two films. Immortal has some imaginative science fiction concepts that are inconsistently rendered into film. At its best, it looks like a more sophisticated version of Blade Runner (which was inspired and influenced by Bilal's art) rendered in a blue-gray palette. At its worst, it looks as bad as the 1980s video game, Dragon's Lair.

The technical strong points are the cityscapes, which convey a poetic sense of human development gone somehow wrong, as if to show that all the technological advances of the future will be used to make the planet a claustrophobic, overly mechanistic, joyless place. When the film is able to show the humans acting in front of essentially motionless backgrounds, it accomplishes what it sets out to do.

There are two areas, however, where the technology is simply too primitive to work:

1. Motion. When the CGI backgrounds have to be brought to life - to represent moving vehicles, for example - the creators just didn't have the skills they needed. The air cars and other such vehicles look no more realistic than the puppet effects in Team America, and in fact there were times when I was looking for the strings attached to vehicles which were only slightly more sophisticated than Ed Wood's pie plates. It's so bad in places that it recalls memories of 1950s movies with the miniature boats in the bathtubs. In fact, the scenes with vehicle motion look and sound like what Sin City would have been like if it had been created in Stalinist Russia: clumsy, clunky, and with the sounds inappropriately matched to the visual effects.

2. CGI characters. Some of the minor characters in the film are rendered entirely with 3-D animation instead of by live actors. There is some point to this. The movie takes place in a world in which humans include ever more synthetic parts, so it is possible that the most synthetic humans would look ... well ... very fake. Unfortunately, I am not talking about realistic 3-D animation, but rather rounded-out versions of 1960s Japanese cartoon characters. Imagine Speed Racer in 3-D.

As you can imagine, the poorly animated motion and the silly cartoon characters make it very difficult to suspend your disbelief throughout the film, and you'll never forget for a moment that you're just watching a show. The problem is compounded a dozenfold by the fact that the live actors perform with a hollow pretentious style, as if they don't understand the words they are speaking. This has the impact of eliminating the realistic characterization that actors normally provide with their voices and replacing it with a constant faux-poetic intonation, as if the actors were reciting English phonetically. Imagine Murder in the Cathedral performed by non English speakers, and rendered in primitive Japanimation.

The plot?

Oh, boy! Let me try.

A flying pyramid hovers over New York City in 2095. Within that odd vehicle, the Egyptian God Horus sleeps. He is awakened by his fellow gods Bast and Anubus, and is given seven days to experience the earth which he created, after which he will be put to death, for reasons not clear to me.

Needless to say, he plans to use those seven days getting laid. This serves two purposes. First, it allows him to implant his seed for his next resurrection. More important, it's fun. Actually, I'm kidding. There is no sense of fun in the movie at all. At any rate, his plans will require a male human body for him to occupy and a female human body ... um ... for him to ... you know ...

Most of the humans of that time have been synthetically altered by an evil corporate entity called Eugenics, and Horus really isn't into the whole artificial body thing, so he needs the body of one of the resistance fighters who conduct an underground campaign against Eugenics. He discovers an ex-con named Nikopol who seems perfect for the job. Nikopol/Horus determines that the perfect host for the seed of Horus is a human named Jill, who seems to be some kind of genetic mutation, possessing power even she does not understand ...

Blah, blah.

The film has some great moments because of some sublime conceptualization and art design. Unfortunately, that was ruined by technical ineptness, an incoherent plot line, weak acting, and pretentious comic book dialogue. It's a movie that cudda been a contenda, but isn't.

Nudity:

• Linda Hardy. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) According to her bio, she was Miss France in 1992.  If that is true, she is either very heavily made up or has been shooting heroin non-stop since the end of the Miss France pageant. The first two collages also show what the same scene must have looked like without the fancy lighting effects (see the strip of pics on top).

See more pics from the film at the Movie House review.

Other Crap:

• Selma Blair dishes on Hellboy 2
• Borowitz: REALITY-SHOW PRODUCERS FACING SEVERE SHORTAGE OF REAL PEOPLE .. "Number of Real People in U.S. At Dangerously Low Levels, Study Shows"
• The Daily Show looks at the FBI's counter-terrorist activity.
• The Daily Show's Ed Helms fails to find bin Laden in Aruba
• The Daily Show's Rob Corddry looks at the decline of foreign tourism to the USA
• Jon Stewart talks to Ringo!
• Jon Stewart talks about why can't watch Vespuccian Idol
• Reinventing the wheel - literally
• Being Batman. Absent super powers, Batman is just a regular guy who fights crime through determination and technology. If a very rich man wants to that, it is possible in real life. So how much would it cost you to be Batman?
• Interactive: ask Tom Cruise any question
• "Engaging tidbits" (middle of page) "A source VERY close to the deal is saying there's a contract. It's worth $5 million. It's for five years. There will be no sex. The deal was sealed June 7."
• The gradual evolution of the Starbucks logo
• Big breasts "falling" - out of fashion, that is
• Tom and Katie - a radaronline film
• Michael Schiavo Murder Investigation: Governor Jeb Bush Kicks Off 2008 Campaign With Spirited Farewell Necro-Porking of Politically Invaluable Vegecorpse - (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
• Tattoo Sleeves - Slip on Body Art
• A New Identity, Inc. - Be The Person You Always Wanted To Be
• Americans Sucking Canada Dry
• The Apostrophe Protection Society
• URL says it all: Celebrities-eating.com
• "Bea Arthur reveals she'll be going in next week to play Larry David's mother on a future installment of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.'"
• Headline of the Day: "Mayors Challenged To Toilet Bowl Race"
• Paris Hilton to have two weddings. Damn. If Cruise had lived, I'll bet he would have seen her two and raised.
• Here is the French trailer for the new Jackie Chan movie, New Police Story. This looks like it might have some potential.
• The Japanese trailer from Fantastic Four, with some new footage
• Just wild about ewe.
  • "A COBBLER suspected of sorcery was attacked and nearly lynched by outraged villagers in central Kenya today after being caught having sex with a female sheep, witnesses and officials said."
  • "I only made love to the ewe twice using two condoms but I never do it regularly," he said in his defense.
• Three lions rescued a 12-year-old girl kidnapped by men who wanted to force her into marriage. The men had held the girl for seven days, repeatedly beating her, before the lions chased them away. The story would be pretty heart-warming if the lions hadn't eaten her.
• Sharon Osbourne says she will help the late Tom Cruise's estate sue the TV crew who squirted him with water.
• Charlotte Church has lifted the lid on her bedroom secrets with rugby star Gavin Henson. One thing that has changed considerably since my boyhood is that nobody keeps secrets anymore. I don't know whether that is good or bad. A little of both, I suppose.
• Batman Begins, as seen through the powerful gaze of filmdom's only true genius, El Sucio. He didn't like it.
  • "Batman Begins is all about overreaching, trying to turn kid's stuff into grown up's stuff. Those dumbasses want to pretend to tell a poignant and powerful tale when what they have is a guy who dresses like a bat and fights bad guys in bad Mexican wrestling masks all fancied up with simplistic psychobabble."
  • "The fanboys have beat the shit out of poor Batman for years, dressing him up in ever darker and more lugubrious histories in order to justify their own refusal to mature. Rather than move on, they just keep redressing Batman."
  • "Katie Holmes is so damn lost she looks like she'd say yes if a gay scientologist asked her to marry him."
• Chicago traffic officers slapped drivers with parking tickets for failing to feed meters - when there were no meters to be fed when the cars were parked. Ah, the ol' temporary parking meter trick. I know it well.
• Irony or Patriotism? I Heart Gitmo apparel.
• Remembering the Popsicle Twins - the best 'Gong Show' moment.
  • Here's the actual clip from the show.
• Ben Affleck enjoys his scrotum
• Palestinian Woman Heading for Charitable Treatment at Israeli Hospital Caught Carrying 22 Pounds of Explosives. "The woman, who suffered serious burns on her hands, feet and neck in a kitchen explosion five months ago, had been granted permission to cross into Israel from the Gaza Strip for medical treatment when she raised the suspicion of soldiers at the Erez checkpoint."
• Coming Out - as straight!
• Although we have made some good-natured fun of him, we are as shocked and saddened as all of you to hear about the sudden, unexpected, and untimely death of Tom Cruise, and we do not share the opinion that it was staged as a publicity stunt for War of the Worlds. Who could have envisioned the levels to which a simple watergun prank might escalate? If Tom Cruise, so young and so handsome and so invulnerable, can drop so suddenly as a result of such a minor incident, then what is to become of any of us?

  What indeed?

• Tank McNamara bobblehead night!
• WHO CUT THE CHEESE? (A Cultural History of the Fart)
• Cruise near death after violent squirt gun attack.
• Headline o' the Day: "Farmers' tractor protest barely raises a fart"
• Michael Palin says Hello, Dalai!
• Did you know that cameras always see the moon the same size, even though our eyes see it larger when closer to the horizon?
• Jennifer Ellison has broken her collar bone while pole dancing.
• Katie Holmes axed from Batman sequel: "Christian Bale, Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman have agreed to a Batman sequel, but Katie Holmes has been dropped. Speaking about Katie the source added: 'She won't be in the sequel. The next romantic interest will be a much stronger actress. Warner is happy that people are now focusing on who'll be playing the Joker rather than Katie and Tom.'"
• Dog and Cat Fashions
• You have more psychopathic colleagues than you might imagine.
• Famine Food Database: "Plants that are not normally considered as crops are consumed in times of famine. This botanical-humanistic subject has had little academic exposure, and provides insight to potential new food sources that ordinarily would not be considered. "

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

It's a two-fer day, some "Hankster Light" and a "Babe in "Bondage".

First up the old Time Machine goes back to 1979 and visits with Ursula Andress as she goes topless in a scene from "Mountain of the Cannibal God".

• Ursula Andress (1, 2, 3)

Then we set the controls a little further back to 1974 for our "Babe in "Bondage". In the movie "The Satanic Rites of Dracula", Valerie Van Ost gets seduced by Dracula, chained to a wall and gets a stake driven into her. During the chaining and staking process, we get some boob exposure. In my opinion, this is probably the worst vampire movie ever made, although some of the alternate names might be worth a chuckle or two. This flick is also known as: "Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride", "Dracula Is Alive and Well and Living in London", "Dracula Is Dead... and Well and Living in London" and "Rites of Dracula"

• Valerie Van Ost (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Then it's back to the future for some boobage from Julie Strain. These topless 'caps are from the special feature portion of the "Enemy Gold" DVD. That Andy Sadaris always has topless women around him!

• Jullie Strain (1, 2, 3, 4)

The movie "Hit & Run" (aka "Red Blooded American Girl II") (1997) has always been a bit of head scratcher for me. Ya see, the always sexy and frequently nude Kari Wuhrer has a couple of love scenes, spends the movie barely dressed and the whole point of her character is that she uses sex to get men to do what she wants. Sounds good right? Ok, now here's the kicker...she doesn't show any skin! In fact, we even see her supposedly screwing guys and we can clearly see that her pants are 100% on!

My guess is she either didn't get paid enough or she owed someone a favor when she signed up to make this puppy.

As for the movie...the only thing that makes it worth watching is Kari's nudity. Oh wait...nevermind.

• Kari Wuhrer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
• Kari Wuhrer zipped .wmvs (1, 2)

"Snake Skin Jacket"
This different and original 1997 drama is a tale of two thieves.

One is a white-collar thief who steals 49 cents a month from each of his bank customer's accounts. Over the years, he has made millions, without being caught. His hobby is collecting original costumes from famous movies, and his prize is a snakeskin jacket worn by Marlon Brando.

The other thief is a thug who pulls stick-ups and strong-armed robberies. He once beat an old woman to death over a few dollars.

Eventually, the thug learns of the jacket and decides to steal it. To do this, he enlists his girlfriend to entice the banker into giving away secrets that will allow the thug to bypass the banker's elaborate security system.

This is a good movie, well done with a good cast and a very original and interesting plot.

• Jennifer Starr

FEMALE TENNIS PLAYERS GRUNT TOO LOUDLY
You're A Groan Woman! - Wimbledon's retiring chief referee Alan Mills told the Sunday Times that it's time to crack down on female tennis players' grunting, which he believes to be a cheap and offensive tactic. It started with Monica Seles, and Mills believes coaches are now training women to grunt loudly every time they hit the ball, as a way to intimidate or fake out opponents. The Times notes that current champ Maria Sharapova makes a 100-decibel grunt, about as loud as the landing of small aircraft.

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