My Condition...

It was the extreme shortness of breath that got my attention. I was admitted to the hospital in atrial fibrillation with a heart rate of 180. They rather quickly drained 1.4 liters of bloody fluid from my right lung. They have subjected me to dozens of tests, and ruled out many possible causes of this, but they still don't know what went wrong. I am still in atrial fibrillation, but with a heart rate under control using 3 drugs. I am home waiting for some of my medication to reach the proper level in my system, then I may have another hospital stay to try and convert my heart to normal rhythm.

I am able to spend some time at the computer, and am again reading my Email.

Tuna

Shallow Ground (2004):

I suppose a lot of you regular readers think I hate horror movies. That isn't true. I love horror movies. I don't like werewolf movies and giant creature films, of course, but I love real down-and-dirty, creepy, psychological, under-your-skin scary films about people alone and vulnerable and terrified by mysterious forces or circumstances they can't comprehend. Unfortunately, 99% of those either totally suck or are barely-disguised remakes of previous horror movies, but when they do work, they are what the movie-going experience is all about: a safe, vicarious wave of emotions at an intense level that you just can't experience in everyday life. We love horror movies for a lot of the same reasons we love roller coasters - because we want to experience the intense feelings humans are capable of, but we don't actually want to get there by being in danger of dying or feeling great pain.

Shallow Ground is a good, original horror movie. It doesn't feature much in the way of expensive effects or anything else that would cost much, and the cast consists of unfamiliar faces, and yet it looks like a professionally composed film and delivers spooky thrills, gore, and mystery using only a couple of basic elements: (1) an unpredictable, original story which combines various elements of thrillers, mysteries, and horror films.  (2) excellent editing, which uses suggestion, music and surprise to maintain the suspense of the overall story while delivering some "jump" moments along the way.

One of the genre sites pointed out that it's the kind of movie that will get your date moving closer and closer to you as the story unfolds.

What is it about? Unfortunately, it is so original that I can't tell you very much. Suppose there was a movie where it was revealed halfway through the film that the sheriff was a vampire. If I told you in advance that it was a vampire movie, I'd fuck up everything for you, wouldn't I? Well, this movie is like that. (No, there are no vampires! That was a hypothetical example.)

I can give you an outline of how it sets up:

A naked, bloody boy wanders into the office of a rural sheriff. Is it the boy's own blood? Is it even human blood? Nobody knows who the boy is. Nobody even knows whether he is human, because he seems to have certain supernatural powers. The sheriff has him cleaned up and sends the blood off for analysis. The sheriff also has the boy fingerprinted. The results of these tests provide a series of bizarre surprises ...

We learn in flashbacks that the area has experienced a rash of missing persons in the past year. The sheriff is riddled with guilt because he could have saved one of the victims. He found her hanging by her hands from a tree, cut her down, then went off to find the killer and left the victim alone - with disastrous consequences.

The mysterious disappearances and the bloody boy are related somehow, but how?

Just about anything else I could write would be a spoiler, and since the film is ingenious and innovative enough to try some new gimmicks and create a new horror mythology, you probably want to find the rest out from the plot development rather than from me.

A few additional, miscellaneous thoughts:

• This is not an erotic bondage film, but it uses some of that for titillation and atmosphere. As far as nudity goes, there is toplessness from struggling or subdued victims, but nothing more. There are two pretty girls hanging from a tree, struggling, wearing only their underpants, and there is another naked victim who is dead or unconscious. Lower body nudity is discreetly avoided.
• This is not a gore film, although it uses some of that for shock and atmosphere. If you are a real gore-hound, this will be tame for you, but if horror gore disturbs you, you should avoid the film. Under no circumstances should you expose the film to very young children. It is filled with the usual spooky horror elements like graphic portrayals of decomposing corpses, spurting blood, and sadistic torture.
• The last few frames of the film are totally incomprehensible. It's not uncommon for horror films to have the classic "reversal" endings which show that the tranquility of the preceding scenes do not really represent a permanent quelling of the threat. It's the ol' "hand reaching from the grave of the seemingly defeated monster and setting up a sequel" trick. This film has one of those "gotcha" endings, but I just can't figure out any point to it at all.

The film is not without problems. The script requires the characters to act too stupid too often, and the acting is barely adequate. In spite of all that, plus the low budget and the totally confusing ending, this film is still a keeper.

• Tara Killian (1, 2, 3)
• Natalie Avital (1, 2, 3)
• Christine Boutros

The Girl in the Cafe (2005):

Haven't seen it - joint effort BBC and HBO, now playing. These are somebody else's raw caps that I just re-arranged a bit.

• Kelly MacDonald (1, 2)

The Cool Surface (1994)

I've been trying to give a balanced appraisal of these failed films from the 80s and 90s, but it would be a stretch to come up with a second good thing about this film.

The first of the film's strengths is, of course, easy to identify -  a young, ripe Teri Hatcher took off her top in two scenes.

The basic storyline here had some potential. A socially inept writer has been in seclusion, working on his masterpiece for years. He is told by his agent that the manuscript is brilliant, but totally unmarketable. The writer is sent back out to write something that people will actually pay to read. But what? He finds his inspiration in the apartment next door, where his actress neighbor is having constant rows with her lover. The neighbor's arguments get so violent that the writer finally screws up his courage and bursts in on them gallantly - only to find out that the "lover" is just another actor rehearsing a scene with her. The writer is mortified at having made a total fool of himself, but after due consideration determines that he finally has an anecdote worth repeating. He ends up having a wild affair with the sexy, drop-dead-gorgeous actress, and puts almost every word of their bedroom talk into his new novel. The book turns out to be a real potboiler, and his agent is so thrilled with it that he is able to sell it to Hollywood as a movie treatment.

The actress/girlfriend, of course, figures out that she would be pretty damned good in the lead role since the entire story is about her life. She goes after the role, and gets it.

Up until that point, The Cool Surface had been merely mediocre. It was an erotic thriller with mild, listless erotica and no thrills, but it was not a complete write-off. Teri Hatcher was tres sexy, and it was kind of interesting to see Robert Patrick playing a nerdy writer with long hair and granny glasses, looking for all the world like John Lennon. After the girlfriend is cast to play herself, however, the script just wanders off into all sorts of surreal directions. It suddenly develops a bunch of thrills, albeit bizarre ones, but the plotline is virtually incoherent, and none of the characters' motivations seem to make sense. For some reason, the writer is really pissed off that his actress/girlfriend wants to play the part of the actress/girlfriend in the movie (I never did understand why) and he goes totally ballistic. He starts throwing tantrums, beating his girlfriend up, assaulting her friends, drinking too much, and writing a sequel to show what a monster she is. Meanwhile, she keeps saying, "What? I love you. I haven't hurt you in any way. Things are great between us. Why are you doing this?" He doesn't have any explanation. His irrational behavior is as irritating and inexplicable to the audience as to the girlfriend, and that alone is close to a deal-breaker, but the straw that breaks the camel's back is that the script stars mixing up the scenes which he imagines in his sequel novel with the things which are happening in reality, to the point where nothing seems real, even though some things are supposed to be.

Maybe.

I guess.

Anyway, the second half of this movie is incoherent and completely irritating. The ending is a surprise, but a very unpleasant one. To make matters worse, Teri Hatcher leaves her clothes on during the entire second half. After the first 45 minutes I got so bored with this movie that I could only struggle through it by taking breaks every ten minutes, and even then I kept saying out loud, to no one in particular, "God, this sucks."

• Teri Hatcher (1, 2, 3, 4)

More Hatchermania

While on the subject of the still hard-bodied Desperate Housewife, here is a great film clip of Hatcher doing a "nude" scene - on the Letterman show! (Zipped .avi)

Other Crap:

• Q: Is this man copping a feel of Katie Holmes?
• Persistent kid teaches himself to skateboard off a roof.
• Daily Show: "Hannah Rosin talks about the research she did for her New Yorker article 'God and Country.'"
• Daily Show: "Public approval for Bush's proposals rank between lukewarm and donkey-dong-blowing."
• Daily Show- Colbert suggests a new way to understand "Mission Accomplished" ... "Try and stop reading in a linear, left to right, letters in consecutive order, syllable-based way."
• The Daily Show's Louis Black offers Free Health Advice ... "If your sexual activity involves a lot of tears, you're probably doing something wrong."
• Daily Show: The Supreme Court rends the wall between church and state into more of a beaded curtain.
• The Daily Show takes a tour around the States
• Jon Stewart interviews Morgan Spurlock
• This is a funny vid: Jared Fogle footage from the cutting room floor. "Fuckin' Blimpies - that's where I'm goin'"
• Britney Spears shows off the pregnant belly.
• Peeping Tom pulled from outhouse tank. Submitter wrote: "I guess this is what happens when spank booths or peep shows become too high class for your tastes. Oh the questions that one wants to ask this man."
• Pharming Underground
• "Rabbit-exploding device proves popular." They can also be used to explode gophers. So far, they are most popular in New Zealand, but the company has two big orders from the USA: a Mr. Jimmy Carter and a Mr. Carl Spackler.
• Advanced scientific study concludes: "The amount of food you put on your young child's plate is the main factor influencing how much he or she will eat"
• This nekkid woman is not Katie Holmes. But you can dream. Sure looks a lot like her.
• New WTC tower design made public
• Important Top-Headline News from Norway: thieves steal family's shrubbery. At this moment, the police have assigned four detectives to the case full-time.
• WTF??? Republicans in Congress threatened Major League Baseball on Monday with repeal of its antitrust exemption if billionaire financier George Soros is involved in buying the Washington Nationals.
• Weekly World News claims: "SWEDEN LEGALIZES LOOKING UP LADIES SKIRTS!"
• The Signers of the Declaration of Independence (The Price They Paid)
• Surprising Expiration Dates: "A handy, who-knew guide for 77 foods, beauty products, and household goods"
• Guinness - World's Fattest Cat
• The Top 10 Funniest Cameos
• Here's the trailer for Jim Carrey's new film, Fun With Dick And Jane
• Conan O'Brien's weekly quotables. Some very good jokes. Samples:
  • The 'Daily News has suggested that Katie Holmes signed a 5-year, $5 million contract to marry Tom Cruise - but according to the contract the two will not have sex. After hearing this, Star Jones' husband fired his agent.
  • Despite protests from conservatives, President Bush appointed an openly gay man as his assistant Secretary of Commerce. Bush claimed that a gay man is perfect for the commerce department because "Those people love to shop."
  • Someone on E-Bay is selling a piece of toast they claim shows an image of Michael Jackson. Experts say it's the first piece of toast to be black when it went into a toaster - and white when it came out.
  • In Japan, a 95-year-old man broke the record in his age bracket for the 100-meter dash. Unfortunately, when the 95-year-old man tried to run through the tape at the finish line it snapped him in half.
• John Cusack discusses his next romantic comedy. I know he's always had the sensitive guy thing going for him, but when did he become such a wuss? In the article he says, "And sometimes you think if I do this movie maybe it will help me get the movies I want to get made. You know it will help my profile out. It's just the dance you do with the business." Bah, fokkin humbug. I'm going to go watch The Grifters and Better Off Dead to cleanse my palate.
• Leonardo DiCaprio hopes that his next pic will be Ed Zwick's dramatic thriller The Blood Diamond.
• AMC Entertainment, is offering a money-back guarantee for boxing picture 'Cinderella Man,' hoping to boost interest in the struggling film amid a record box-office slump. I haven't seen the film, but the people I know who saw it, loved it, so this may make sense.
• Dr.Phil's Test. He gave this test to Oprah. It's about as accurate as anything else Dr Phil does, which is to say the final evaluation was pretty close to the opposite of what it should have said! It told me I was Mr Warmth.
• Tom Cruise says he believes in aliens. With most celebrities, I wouldn't worry as much. I'd just figure they were speaking hypothetically. But Tom? Some day that guy is going to rip off his human mask and show his tentacles.
• Leonardo DiCaprio has bought his own island in the Caribbean. Let me guess. Cuba?
• That Eve sex tape turned out to be genuine: Eve Objects To 'Personal' Sex Tape Posted On Internet

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Another three gals from Mystique Lingerie, including my own personal fave former Pet, Sunny Leone. She is in a bonus feature on the DVD, playing an island masseuse who rubs Deanna Merryman the right way. Deanna is also in the more traditional part of the disk, posing and stripping, but in the bonus section she gives up some shaved gynocam goodies. Lucky for us, too. Third gal is like Deanna in sporting a pair of robotized hooters and in going all full-frontal on us. She is Jennifer Korbin

Ya know, I got six more gals to do (as it were) from this disk, which breaks down to at least two and maybe three more days worth. Sure hope this isn't boring the good readers of the Funhouse.

• Sunny Leone (1, 2, 3)

• Sunny Leone and Deanna Merryman

• Deanna Merryman (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

• Jennifer Korbin (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

Today's batch features a little variety that's all "Hankster Light" in nature.

First up is Ellen Barkin in scenes from "Big Easy". Ellen gives us just a hint of boob and some butt crack. By the easy unlike most of the stuff I cap this is a good movie.

• Ellen Barkin (1, 2, 3, 4)

Then it's on to "Eurotrip" and a nice scene of Molly Schade being duped into baring her great boobs.

• Molly Schade (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

As for these 'caps...Stilly bares everything. There are even some very up-close and personal gyno-views (links 4 and 11)

PLASTIC SURGEONS REJOICE: MISS AMERICA SAVED!
Thar She Goes! - Miss America has been saved. After being shunned by all the broadcast networks for low ratings, the pageant has signed a multiyear deal to air on cable's Country Music Television channel. It will still be held in Atlantic City.

If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!