Some more great film clips:

This zipped .avi is a great sex scene between Charlie Sheen and Linda Fiorentino in Beyond the Law. I noticed that this film has now been released in a widescreen DVD so I'll take a look at that next week (I've never seen the film at all, at least not that I can remember).

Ah, the cinema classics: a short lovemaking scene between Mia Sara and Jean-Claude Van Damme in Timecop. (Zipped .avi) I'll look at this one next week as well. 

Tuna just did Private Resort last week (find his comments and captures in the back issues for Saturday, June 24th), so I mainly concentrated on film clips. (Zipped .wmv files, more or less DVD quality):

• Leslie Easterbrook. Buns seen clearly. Fully naked under a transparent nightie.

• Hilary Shapiro. Breasts and buns. Very nice body. (Two clips zipped together.)

• Vickie Benson. Breasts, buns, and just a peek of pubes.  (Two clips zipped together.)

• Various Unknowns. Two scenes with breasts, and the third mostly buns in the shower. (Three clips zipped together.)

Tuna and I disagree on this one. I don't like this film very much at all. Some of the scenes flow smoothly and are fairly funny. Others fall completely flat. The humor is exactly at the level of The Love Boat. In fact, this is essentially a Love Boat script. Guys go on a vacation hoping to hook up with chicks. The only real differences between this film and an episode of Love Boat is that this resort is on dry land instead of floating on the ocean, and this episode has breasts and bums. I'm not totally opposed to that in principal. I have to admit that I would have watched The Love Boat if it had included nude scenes, so I can see how Private Resort could be an easy watch for some, but I kept looking at the timer on the DVD, just as I used to watch the odometer of my parents' car on long trips, wondering when it would be over.

Besides the broad and completely predictable slapstick humor, there are some other things I disliked.

First, there are pieces missing. Obviously this was once a much longer film that was edited down to 82 minutes. Some characters have relationships which must have been developed in missing scenes. Other scenes just seem to be missing connections between them.

Second, there is no character development at all. Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow are seen arriving in a resort. Are they rich? Apparently not. They order a beer because they can't afford cocktails. How did they afford the resort in the first place? How old are they? Are they working? Are they students? Are they good guys or scumbags? Cool guys or douchebags? How did they get there? Why are they together? Where did they come from? Everything just starts in the middle, and I feel stranded.

Third, some of the scenes and ideas are just not funny to me. Morrow is planning to get laid by using date rape drugs, for example. (Granted it is kinda funny when the Quaaludes intended for his uptight date end up being taken by her granny, who mistakes them for aspirin.) At another point, the baddie sprays the entire resort with M-16 fire during the lunch buffet. That doesn't seem appropriate for this type of movie. OK, custard pies - fine, but machine gun fire? Up until that point (it's at the end of the movie), the film had been strictly faithful to the Love Boat level of glibness. Now, all of a sudden, one of the passengers is riddling Doc and Gopher with machine gun bullets?

Fourth, the best films of this genre take place in something very close to the real world, and are populated with characters we know in situations we can imagine. This one has no real multi-dimensional characters and places its cardboard undeveloped characters in generally unbelievable situations. It's not really possible to relate to the characters or their predicaments. It's strictly farce. It represents two kids at a resort in the same sense that F Troop reflects the true relationship between the U.S. Army and the Native American populations.

Fifth - no full frontal nudity. 'Nuff said.  If you're gonna do a sex comedy, do a GOOD sex comedy, and don't skimp on the nudity.

There were also some elements that were surprisingly good:

Not many of these youth-oriented sex comedies feature a multiple Oscar nominee in the lead. There are times when Depp delivers his lines so credibly that he makes you forget you're watching a shallow, unbelievable movie.

In the middle of the obvious stuff there are a couple of incredibly obscure jokes. The baddie pretends to be a count named Repulski with a long list of first and middle names, but he tells the "mark" to call him "Rip."  You have to be a big baseball fan to catch the reference to a particular St. Louis Cardinal from the early 1950s. Outfielder Rip Repulski and third baseman Jabbo Jablonski, two solid everyday players, batted in order for the Cards in 1953-54, and were always abbreviated as R'ski and J'ski in the box scores of the day. What can you say? The Cardinals were into Polish players. There were others besides those two, the most famous of who was the great star Stan Musial!

Well, of course, there is some nice nudity for us guys, and I suspect that women and gay guys will not find it difficult to look at Johnny Depp naked.

In general, this one is strictly for those who will watch any youth sex comedy.

On the other hand, given Depp's presence, I don't understand Tri-Star's decision to issue this as a bare-bones DVD. There is a respectable widescreen anamorphic transfer, but not one feature of any kind - not even a "splash" page for the main menu. When you boot up this DVD you text a simple text page with the choices for audio and sub-titles and a "play movie" link!!!  Obviously if Deep hadn't been in it, it would never have come to DVD at all.

One last point. Since it is the only pubic hair in the film, and only a hint at that, here's Vickie Benson's shower scene:

Other Crap:

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

Chelah Horsdal

The mayor of Britney Spears' hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana, claims that she's leaving Malibu and moving back to Kentwood.  Britney is reportedly spending $200,000 to expand and upgrade her mother's house, and is looking for another property nearby so husband Kevin Federline will have someplace to go to escape Spears' mother, who reportedly doesn't like him.

*  Federline is just what Louisiana needs: one more unemployed person living off someone else's debit card.



The $24 million stage musical of "Lord of the Rings" will close in
Toronto without reaching Broadway, becoming the most expensive flop in
theatre history

* Turns out there just aren't that many gay geeks

The Comedy Wire is going on vacation ... will return in a week.