Salon Kitty (1976) is the legendary Tinto Brass Nazi whores spy on German officers for the SS classic, and is now available uncut for the first time. Some sections were never dubbed into English, and these scenes are presented in the original Italian with English subtitles. This is a very impressive DVD set, which includes a second disk of interviews, and a .pdf file of a book written around the movie, sort of like a 78 page lobby card. Imagine an opening scene ... wait a minute, no need to imagine ... look at a couple of the tryout images, and then return to your reading. Does Tinto know what to do with naked women or what?

Tonight we have the tryout scene, one of the many unknowns who shows everything with a fairly large scene, Ingrid Thulin, who plays Kitty and shows breasts in two scenes, Tina Aumont who shows breasts as the wife of the Nazi organizer of the house of pleasure, and Paola Senatore who shows everything as one of the spy/hookers. Tomorrow night, several more women, including Teresa Ann Savoy, who has the lead, and some more group shots.You won't want to miss Savoy, who also appeared in Caligula.

The Wisher (2002):

(The Wisher is also known as Spliced in video releases.)

It's a teen slasher film.

A young girl is inordinately affected by horror films, which cause her nightmares and sleepwalking episodes. Her dad forbids her to see any more horror films, but she disobeys him and goes to see The Wisher, a popular film about a strange creature that grants wishes in twisted form, like The Monkey's Paw or The Wishmaster. For example, if you wish to have the biggest house in town, the Wisher creates a tornado which blows away every other house.

You know, the usual bullshit.

Incensed at her lie, the girl's father is killed on her way to the theater to get her. As if this didn't make her feel bad enough, she remembers that she also said "I wish he would just go away". She begins to wonder if The Wisher is real. 

She starts to see The Wisher. Is it her imagination? Is it another student goofing on her? Or is The Wisher the real deal? Whichever one it is, people start dying, and wishes seem to come true in a twisted way.

There is the complete cast of clichéd characters, as outlined in Not Another Teen Movie. Round up the usual suspects and have them do and say all the usual stuff.

Based on this description, this is a C-. Despite what I wrote above, it isn't that bad, actually. If you're into the whole teen slasher thing, this one is competent, if totally unoriginal, and the designated naked chick is a real fox with a perfect body.

• Melissa Repka is topless and in a thong as "the snooty popular girl who inevitably gets slashed by the slasher dude after a lingering shower room scene". She looks great! (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

The Song of the Vampire (2002):

Rodgers and Hammerstein's long-lost vampire musical?

I think the "song" in the title is meant figuratively, meaning epic romance, as in "Chanson Roland" or "Song of Solomon". As far as I can see, the vampire exhibited no musical abilities. He didn't own an accordion or tap shoes, and never entered any karaoke contests.

It is also called Vampire Resurrection in its video release.

Basically, this story is like a Harlequin or Avon Romance brought to the screen in a low budget format, similar in tone and production quality to an episode of the TV soap opera "Dark Shadows", except expanded to 90 minutes with the characters' names changed. The vampire is a romantic kind of guy looking for his true love. She understands true love when she sees it, but her friends and family and ex-husband don't seem to approve of her dating a vampire, and are always trying to drive a stake through her heart, or other body parts.

Based on this description, this is a D. It's a grade-b production all the way, with nothing to make it stand out from other straight-to-vid offerings. Even the nudity is lame. The most interesting thing about it is that one of the Queen Bees, Denice Duff, actually directed as well as starred.

• Denice Duff (1, 2, 3)

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003):

How to Lose a Guy attains chick-flick status by our classic objective definition: any film is a chick-flick if the female rating at IMDb is one point or more higher than the male rating. This film receives a 5.9 from men, 7.1 from women. Within chick-flicks, there are two sub-types. Teenage Chick-flicks like Legally Blonde, and Granny Chick-flicks like Ya-Ya Sisterhood. This one is a teenage chick-flick because it scores highest with the youngest voters, and the scores decrease with the age of the demographic group. It's a Sandra Bullock movie without Sandra Bullock.

The total chick-flick structure looks something like this:

All chick-flicks basically come in two varieties, romantic fluff and extremely tragic weepfests, so after you mention that a film is a standard formula Hollywood romantic comedy, there's only so much more to add.

There are several genetic sub-strains of the Teenage Chick-flick, romantic comedy species, and this one comes from the "irritating cross-purposes" sub-strain, with a touch of "the lame gimmick" as well. In every form of romantic comedy, it is essential to maintain some kind of tension in the audience. This is our foreplay, creating a build-up which is released when the suitors finally come together, as they inevitably must. There are plenty of ways to do this, but the "irritating cross-purposes" strain does it by making the audience as uncomfortable as possible. Two common techniques:

Irritation Method 1: The characters narrowly miss each other over and over again throughout the movie. One boards the train to Chicago while the other disembarks from the next car down. One gets out of the elevator on the 11th floor just a second after the other has entered the adjoining elevator, etc. The first time a film did this, about three days after films were invented, it was kinda cute but stupid. If a latter day film does it once, it's lame but forgivable. If any movie does it more than once, all negatives and prints of that film should be destroyed, and the writer should be executed publicly, preferably by guillotine in a third world country that can't afford to sharpen the blade.

Irritation Method 2: The characters make a bet. One falls in love, and gets really pissed off when he/she finds out that the other person was simply courting them to win a bet. Well, of course the bettor really fell in love in the course of that faux courtship, and then has to win the offended party back for real.

This particular film takes irritation method number two to the limit - as stoners used to say, "to the royal max". Both parties have a bet or something like a bet. Matthew is an advertising dude who will get a chance to pitch an important female client if he can demonstrate his charm by getting a woman to fall in love with him in ten days. Kate writes for a magazine like Cosmo, and is doing an ironic article on how to lose a great man in ten days by committing every possible dating faux pas. To make the article realistic, she needs a real man for her experiment. As luck would have it, in a city the size of New York, these two people with diametrically opposed ten day projects begin their ten days on the same day. With each other.

Who would have dreamed?

A Hollywood script writer, for one.

Oh, well, you have the idea, right? They hook up at a party. They have a "normal" first date to set the hook, and agree to continue dating. From then on, he tries to be Mr. Charm while she tries to get him to dump her.

He spends all day making roast of lamb in cherry sauce, then she says meat makes her vomit. She forces him to sit through Fried Green Tomatoes and an entire chick-flick marathon. She screws up his enjoyment of every game while the Knicks are winning the NBA finals. (Talk about unlikely romantic fantasies!). She ruins his poker night with the boys. She makes him show love for a really obnoxious little over-manicured dog which pees on his beloved poker table. As Yul Brynner would say if he were here, "etcetera, etcetera, etcetera".

I don't much care for "irritating cross-purposes" movies, because they eventually require us to want the lovers to come together, after we have seen that one of them is an insincere asshole capable of using someone without thinking about their feelings. In this case,  both of them are insincere assholes who use other people without considering their feelings, so I guess that makes it OK. They deserve one another.

If you like this sort of thing, the production values are fine, Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson are pretty good at this, and

... take it, Yul ...

 "etcetera, etcetera, etcetera".

Based on this description, this is a C. Typical, run-of-the-mill Hollywood romantic comedy, and no nudity at all.

• Kate Hudson (1, 2)

MAILBOX:

OTHER CRAP:

• Bank robber asks for coat hanger to unlock getaway car
• Canadian Inmates get access to soft-core adult films. And they say crime doesn't pay
• Page Three's Leilani Dowding seems to be falling out of her clothing
• TV listings for The Al Gore Network.
• URL says it all: jesusismyhomeboy.com
• Girl Gone Wild charges that the 'Girls Gone Wild' gang has invaded her privacy and, as a result, she is seeking an injunction barring further sale or distribution of the offending video.
• The government and private technology experts warned today that hackers plan to attack thousands of Web sites Sunday in a loosely coordinated 'contest' that could disrupt Internet traffic.
• One hundred people celebrated Canada Day by hurling buffalo turds across a field Tuesday.
• Hormel's pique e-rupts over Spam mail: "Hormel is asserting its trademark rights, filing complaints against Spam Arrest LLC, a Seattle technology company that provides spam-blocking software"
• ESPN.com - The List: Most overrated athletes of all time
• Police are sticking phosphorescent safety strips on the camels of the Negev desert to make them more visible to drivers
• Results of a Google search for Weapons of Mass Destruction (click on I feel lucky)
• One-Sentence Spoilers - when the tagline gives away the plot
• Police Investigate Reports Of Loose Lion In Cincinnati.
• FILM fan Michael Nicholas got a monster haircut by getting the Incredible Hulk's face dyed on to his skull. Dennis Rodman was not available for comment.
• The Top 20 porno films for fish.
• Bush Asks Congress For $30 Billion To Help Fight War On Criticism: "Citing the need to safeguard 'America's most vital institutions and politicians' against potentially devastating attacks, President Bush asked Congress to sign off Monday on a $30 billion funding package to help fight the ongoing War On Criticism."
• more lines from the Carson Daly roast
• ROSIE O'Donnell is once again stretching the boundaries of good taste. The former TV queen unveiled a risque ad for her upcoming musical 'Taboo' coinciding with Gay Pride Day last Sunday. A billboard at 46th and Broadway showed dead drag performer Leigh Bowery with a man urinating in the background
• CMT showing first video with nudity - Wednesday, 07/02/03: "After years of showing clothed people, Country Music Television broke a barrier Saturday by showing a stripped-down music video "
• J'Lo tells the truth about a tooth, and : "The weirdest thing about me is that I like to walk around naked"
• I don't know if this is Pam and Tommy Lee, but it sure looks like them, and it's cool.
• U.S. Ends Military Aid to Estonia. The shame of it, that the proud Estonian armed forces might have to shut down because of petty politics. Pertti, Estonia's only soldier, was unavailable for comment.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Kim Dickens, topless, baring her bum, gettin' it on, and grabbing hold of Eric Stoltz's man-hood in scenes from the premier episode of the Showtime series "Out of Order".

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

"Gangs of New York"

An excellent 2 hour 47 minute epic set in New York during the mid-1800's. This movie tells of an era of hard times for New Yorkers during the beginning of the Civil War, when strife among different ethnic groups was very common. I found this movie completely engrossing and very well done. The acting was outstanding.

Although Cameron Diaz didn't do any intentional nudity, there was a nip slip in a fight scene with Leonardo DiCaprio, and that's shown in the collage. There was a lot of additional nudity in the bawdy house scenes, also shown in the collage.

• Cameron Diaz

Okay, we're on vacation, but since this story happened just about 20 miles from where we live, we figured we had to pass it along. It's hard to enjoy your vacation when you discover that you're not even safe in your own backyard from being mowed down a by a jet ski piloted by Justin Guarini. This could be the Texas-based terrorist attack we've been warned about. Apparently, old Motown songs aren't the only things Sideshow Bob Jr. likes to disembowel. Seems like every time Justin and Kelly get near a beach, something pretty-near-lethal results. Here's the New York Post write-up...

JUSTIN LAKE SCARE
By BILL HOFFMANN and ED ROBINSON

July 2, 2003 -- Justin Guarini has gone from "American Idol" to fallen idol, as far as one Texas dad is concerned.

The curly-haired runner-up in the first season of the hot Fox series nearly mowed down Clint Heizer's 5-year-old daughter, Alison, with his Jet Ski at Joe Pool Lake, a popular summer spot in Cedar Hill, Texas, authorities say.

Guarini, who came to the lake with sexy "American Idol" winner Kelly Clarkson, was zooming around on a Jet Ski when he suddenly ran the craft ashore.

"Justin flew up on the land and just kept coming," Heizer told The Post.

Alison was directly in the pop-star wannabe's path.

Guarini, 23, jumped off the watercraft, which continued to skid, the dad said.

Alison "froze," and the Jet Ski "stopped 3 to 5 feet from her," Heizer said. "Justin got up and went back to his friends and started laughing about it.

"That was kind of chicken crap to me."

The tough Texan, who works as a city marshal in North Richland Hills went with a friend to have it out with Justin and Kelly.

He said Justin was "a bit apologetic," but Kelly, 20, was confrontational.

"They had a big issue with us. He could have easily taken someone's life, and they never understood that," Heizer said.

"I told Kelly, 'I know who you are, and it doesn't matter.' "

Heizer, who is also the father of a 3-year-old daughter and 9-month- old son, said his family were fans of "American Idol" and even rooted for Kelly "because she's a local girl" from Burleson, Texas.

But now Heizer is "very disappointed" in Guarini and Clarkson.

"They're supposed to be idols for children, and to have them not act compassionately for kids is disappointing."

Guarini has been slapped with a summons for "unsafe boat operation."

Authorities at the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department said the charge is serious, with offenders found guilty facing up to 180 days behind bars and a $2,000 fine.

Heizer said he just wanted to see the story come out and doesn't want Justin to go to jail. Guarini must appear in court next month to answer the charge. Kelly was not charged.

Clarkson is riding high on the charts with her CD "Thankful," after landing a $1 million record deal as the winner of last summer's show.

Second-place Justin also has a record out, although it is not as big as Kelly's.