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Film clips:
Dangerous Touch is a B-movie which was written and directed by Lou Diamond
Phillips, who also co-starred. (Movie
House Review). It offered a fairly good amount of sex and nudity from
attractive people, all carried by a reasonably involving plot. Do NOT get a
widescreen or R-rated DVD. The unrated full screen version is the one you want
to see. The R-rated one omits this lesbian scene (zipped
.avi) between Monique Parent and Dean Wormer's daughter. Of course, you'll
also want to see the other nudity (three
.avis zipped together) from Kate Vernon.
Timecop (1994):
Writers, do yourself a favor. If you have a science-fiction script,
don't locate it in 2009. By the time that date arrives, everyone will
realize what a schmuck you are when nothing in your script bears any
resemblance to their reality. Locate the damned thing in 2099. You
will, of course, be just as wrong, but nobody will care, and you'll be
dead, so you really won't mind when the people of that time laugh at
you. The worst-ever embarrassment of this nature was Strange Days, an
otherwise thoughtful movie, which was written in 1995 about 1999, but
predicted improvements in technology and changes in society that would
have required decades, perhaps centuries. Timecop does not have the
philosophical gravitas of Strange Days, which makes it even more
embarrassing that it was written in 1994 about 2004 and got nothing
right. Here's another favor you can do yourself. If you have a
time-travel script, burn it. If you are unwilling to do that, at
least have the common decency to call it something other than
science fiction. It isn't a "science" fiction concept at all, but
a fantasy concept like carpets flying in the Arabian Nights,
Merlin living backwards, and fire-breathing dragons flying around
Europe in the Middle Ages. You see, there is nothing in science
that suggests back-and-forth time travel is possible. Thanks to
the possibilities of space travel at tremendous speeds, your
descendants may some day be able to jump forward in time so that
they are alive hundreds of years after their birth, but they sure
as hell aren't coming back to us. The best principles available to
science - observation and logic - indicate that back-and-forth
time travel will never be possible. Forget about the riddles of
the time-travel paradox. There is a simpler way to draw the right
conclusion. Look around. Do you see any travelers from the
future? There is no reason to think it will ever happen in the
history of the human race.
Given that point, it doesn't make sense to
offer a stinging critique of a time travel plot. There are NO logical
time-travel plots. There could only be one which could be neither
proven nor disproved: some time in the future, let's say in the year
2999, a method of time-travel was developed, but the first
time-traveler went back into his past, our future, let's say to 2899,
and changed something so that time travel would never be invented. End
of story. That has an advantage over most time-travel plots in that,
while it doesn't make any more sense than usual, at least it can't be
disproved. Anyway, bottom line, Timecop
is a time-travel movie, so you know it will be gibberish. The
question we have to ask ourselves with this kind of movie is not
"does it make sense?" but "does it entertain or instruct or move
the emotions?" After all, some time-travel movies can be a hoot,
like Back to the Future, for example. The answer in the case of
Timecop, however, is pretty much "no, across the board."
Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a cop who belongs to a special unit
dedicated to preventing the abuse of time travel. His nemesis is a
senator who wants to do said abusing, in order to make himself
inordinately rich and powerful. In fact, however, his motivation
for craving all that power and wealth is kind of murky. If you
take him at his word, he just wants to be President so he can give
tax breaks to the rich, and make everything "just like the
eighties." Say, you don't think that President Bush actually
accomplished this ..... ? Nah, couldn't be. Could it? Anyway,
bringing back the eighties seems like a modest goal for a man in
1994 capable of altering the past to gain absolute power over the
entire human race. His theoretical power is practically limitless,
but his imagination is limited to bringing back Reaganomics and
hair bands. Most of the film is
filled up by routine dialogue, stock characters, extremely dark
action scenes, and just about every film cliché known to man.
There was one thing I liked. Ron Silver provides entertainment in
his characterization of the baddie. He's arrogant and smug in that
unique way he always has, except more so, and his character is
even condescending to his past self, who shows up several times in
the plot. Embarrassed by a constant struggle with his weight and a
craving for junk food, he confronts his past self and tells him to
lay off the damned candy bars! The best line from 2004 Ron to 1994
Ron: "I remember myself having bigger balls!"
| Mia Sara.
One of the lamest love scenes ever filmed. It lasts 11
seconds, is in almost complete darkness, and is all edits
and isolated body parts. |
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| Laura Murdoch. Laura Murdoch's full-frontal nude scene is
completely gratuitous. Ms. Murdoch is what a slacker techie sees
when he's playing with his virtual reality machine. This scene could
have been cut completely without affecting the plot or
characterization in any way. Hey, that may not sound like a positive
to you, but to me it indicates that the director knew his audience
and was trying to entertain them ... er ... us. And he didn't wimp
around with any fancy camera angles or lighting. He made it
complete nudity in perfect light!
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| Gloria Reuben.
I went through about the first half of her screen time
before I realized it wasn't Rae Dawn Chong. They sure look
alike from some angles. No nudity, but sexy. |
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Other Crap:
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Mega Nipple Slip Compilation Video
Movie Quotes: How To Use Them
Two girls, aged 17 and 18, have been banned
from a church festival after they flashed
their breasts to a ride operator so that they
could stay on it longer. The operator gave the
girls an extra twenty minutes on the ride.
First sign of the apocalypse: Mouse Rides Frog
Today's top story from China:
Breast powder MAY not work
- "The Shanghai Food and Drug
Administration yesterday said it is closely
monitoring Bolibao, a type of powder which
the producer claims can enlarge female
breasts"
Seven clips from You, Me and Dupree - Owen
Wilson's latest.
The Quiet
- Elisha Cuthbert stars as a popular and
beautiful girl in a typical middle-class
family. She seems to have it all until a
supposedly deaf orphan teenager comes to
live with her family, sparking events that
reveal her family is not at all what it
seems to be.
The trailer for Déjà Vu, Tony Scott's
latest, which stars Denzel, Val Kilmer, and
Jesus.
- Everyone has experienced the unsettling
mystery of déjà vu – that flash of memory
when you meet someone new you feel you've
known all your life or recognize a place
even though you've never been there before.
But what if the feelings were actually
warnings sent from the past or clues to the
future? In the captivating new
action-thriller from producer Jerry
Bruckheimer and director Tony Scott, written
by Terry Rossio & Bill Marsilii, it is déjà
vu that unexpectedly guides ATF agent Doug
Carlin (Denzel Washington) through an
investigation into a shattering crime.
Called in to recover evidence after a bomb
sets off a cataclysmic explosion on a New
Orleans Ferry, Carlin is about to discover
that what most people believe is only in
their heads is actually something far more
powerful – and will lead him on a
mind-bending race to save hundreds of
innocent people.
Robert Downey Jr has signed a deal to write
his memoirs.
- The book will cover everything he
remembers. Although the thirteen pages are
padded out with a lot of pictures.
The Internet Tubes Keep Moving My Furniture by
Senator Ted Stevens
"One of the Emmy nominees for best animated
program is the episode of South Park that's
said to have angered Tom Cruise and Isaac
Hayes."
A court rules that former House Majority
Leader Tom Delay's name must stay on a Texas
ballot in upcoming congressional elections
- And given the unpredictability of our
Texas politics, he just might get
re-elected. I guess it could be worse. If he
were from New Jersey, he'd be running
unopposed.
Memphis church unveils a seven-story Statue of
Liberty clone - with a cross instead of a
torch
Outrageous! Kid performs a 720 Dunk!
Scarface re-positioned as a romantic
comedy:
How Scarface Got His Groove Back
"Fawnley Remembered" - The greatest hits of
forgotten country singing sensation Fawnley
Conley.
Tom Waits Set For Rare U.S. Tour
- One very positive thing about the
singing of Tom Waits, the geriatric skid-row
Sinatra: he doesn't have to worry about
losing his voice.
Are the Chinese building the Death Star?
- That is one weird-lookin' building from
an aerial view, but it looks fairly normal
from street level. It is actually the
Hong Kong convention center.
Headline of the day so far:
Smut-affected cane seen as ideal for 'cow
candy'
The international trailer for DEAD OR ALIVE,
another video game adaptation. Familiar faces
include Devon Aoki, Jamie Pressly, and Eric
Roberts.
The trailer for Trade
- Kevin Kline plays a Texas cop who finds
out that he may have had a daughter who was
trafficked some years ago. In the course of
his investigation, he meets a young boy
(Mexican actor Cesar Ramos) from Mexico City
whose 13-year-old sister (Mexican actress
Paulina Gaitan) has been kidnapped. They go
on a quest to save the Mexican girl, who is
befriended by Jovovich, a young Russian
woman who thinks she is coming to the U.S.
to become a nanny, but is instead enslaved
in Mexico.
The trailer for Hollywoodland
- This is another film that interests me.
It's a drama/thriller based upon the death
of George Reeves, TV's Superman. (Ben
Affleck plays Reeves, and definitely
resembles him.)
The trailer from The Illusionist
- I'm totally hooked on this film from the
trailer, but I'm not sure if there is any
audience for it. It seems too stuffy and
aloof for mainstream audiences, and too
slick and sturdy for the arthouse crowd.
Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti star,
Jessica Biel is beautiful as the love
interest, the production looks opulent.
- Comes to theaters August 18th
"Grey's Anatomy", "24", and "Into the West"
top Emmy nominations (Well, and Will &
Grace, of course.)
Chappelle back on TV for 3 fresh episodes
- The material has not been broadcast
before, but is not "new." It's stuff
recorded before he walked from his old show.
North Korea Missile Crisis: Private Note from
Kim Jong Il to President Bush (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
Fake agency offers ads on hookers' thighs
- "A Dutch design student bored with
conventional advertisements has set up a
fake online agency offering advertising
space for beer, cars and TV stations on
prostitutes' thighs and cleavage."
- Raoul Balai also proposed painting brand
names on zoo animals. Far from taking his
ideas as a joke, an Amsterdam zoo had its
lawyer threaten Balai with a defamation suit
after his website depicted fish from the zoo
bearing the brand name of a frozen fish
company!
FilmJerk.com's Early Report for July 4
Sudoku toilet paper rolled out
Because of Ken Lay's alleged death, his wife
may get to keep everything he stole!
Stories of stupid criminals
- Example: "A man walked into a Circle-K,
put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for
change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for
all the cash in the register, which the
clerk promptly provided. The man took the
cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the
$20 bill on the counter. The total amount of
cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen
dollars.
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Movie Reviews:
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
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Basic Instinct 2 (2006)
Basic Instinct 2, like the original, is all about Sharon Stone's cunt,
except that she doesn't show it this time. After realizing the expense
of shooting in San Francisco, they decided to do London, but focused on the
new sections rather than the historical buildings. Swap a shrink for the
Michael Douglas detective, then add a possibly crooked cop, et voila!
Sharon is much older this time, and has supposedly gotten more skillful at
her mind-fuck game. As the film opens, Stone dries her car into the Thames at
the moment of orgasm, and her partner drowns. She is arrested for murder, and
a shrink (David Morrissey) is appointed to examine her. It is just a matter of
time before she seduces him. Meanwhile, people keep dying, and the obvious
suspect is Sharon, no, it is the cop, no, it is Sharon, no ... you get the
idea.
Some of you may remember that I savaged the original, but, compared to this
sequel, it was a masterpiece. Prop your eyes open with tooth picks, and I dare
you to stay awake.
The "Unrated Extended Cut" DVD has one deleted scene with a wet blouse
see-through, and a lot of non-naked junk that deserved to be cut.
- IMDb readers say 3.3
- It only returned $5.85M on its $70M budget.
- In a making of featurette, the director spoke of a possible threequal. I
am not alone in hoping that never happens. Ebert was not impressed, nor was
Berardinelli.
D.
Scoop's notes: This DVD is really a rip-off. The
deleted scenes do NOT include several of the scenes we have already seen on
the internet, including the three-way!!! Why not? It's bad enough that the
movie sucks ass, but at least they could give us our money's worth and show us
everything they filmed. Are they determined to make this film as despised as
possible? Sharon does look great for her age, but ... so what?
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Jennie: Wife/Child is such a hoot. Has to be the most literate, best-made,
best-acted and (this for sure) best photographed cheapo sleazy movie made in
the 60's. You got yourself some humor and a bit of a message in a coherent
story with characters you don't mind caring about. The cinematographer was
Vilmos Zsigmond, only a decade away from an Oscar for Close Encounters. What
he captured in his camera was two gals who by some definition got nekkid. The
title character is played by Beverly Lunsford in her final role (she was
23...hardly a child) and the town floozie, Lulu Bell, was played by Virginia
Wood. Both women did a fair bit of television work and a few movies, so they
had some talent working for them and they were both more than sorta
attractive. All of this is good news, yes? Attractive women, nekkid,
photographed beautifully ... we call that a good combination ... except ...
Problem is Bev's nekkid scene was done by a body double...or so I assume
from the fact that close-ups of her face are intercut with distant of
face-hidden shots of a skinny-dipping lass. And the problem with Virginia's
scene was just how dark it was. Ginnie is topless, to be sure, but the vital
goodies are obscured. They are nonetheless nice scenes so I captured both
stills and clips...and here they are.
Beverly Lunsford does a skinny-dipping scene (zipped
.avi). Well, it's supposed to be her but I dun thin so, Lucy. Still
it is entertaining, especially accompanied by a classic little tune about her
birthday suit.
 
Two last zipped .avi clips (1.
2) , these of
Virginia Wood seducing and boffing the geezer-hubbie
of the title character. Close to some serious exposure, but the vital
goodies are kept hidden.
   
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