Assmonster

Spent so much time – way too much of it – on a Bill Zebub movie with the title of Assmonster.  It has the usual number of gals who go at least topless, but it's disappointing, not in the Siskel-and-Ebert, movie-is-art sort of way but in the Funhouse, gotta love the T and A sort of way.  Many of the more attractive women get no more exposed than do gals at your (above) average beach.  And some who do take it off go uncredited in the movie and on IMDb.  Worse yet is the exposure of women who, in my own idiosyncratic point of view, would have done us all a favor to keep the clothes on. More clothes, please… perhaps a burka, maybe a tent.  Just so you are all prepared.

Assmonster plays like a collection of out-takes and bloopers wrapped by a behind-the-scenes storyline, which makes it the most approachable of Bill’s efforts, because everyone looks like he or she had a great time doing it.  

Kerri Taylor plays a not-so-bright scream-queen-wannabe who is willing to do whatever it takes to get a part in Bill’s movie.  Call it quite the dramatic stretch for her.  She has a perfectly fine bod, accented by a killer caboose, which she shows off by wearing a thong throughout her time on screen. 

 

Former pornstar Gina Lynn and soft-core star Michelle Trassati (who goes by the name, Violetta Storms, in some of her work) play two gals in a movie within the movie, made by a guy who wants Bill to review his films in a magazine.  They are topless in 4 scenes, which have elements of humor in them because both women have some acting chops.  The 4th of these scenes is 8.5 minutes of Gina and Michelle dancing around with some light lesbian action.  It got boring, which had me think what pair of women on screen, dancing topless and kissing for more than 8 minutes WOULDN’T wind up boring a fella?  Eva Green and Jennifer Lawrence?  Sure, them – I could stay attentive for 8 minutes of them, but that’s about it, a complete list.  If you find Gina and Michelle equally compelling for that long, you are a better man than I am.

Gina Lynn



Michelle Trassati



Gina Lynn and Michelle Trassati

 

A third actress, Lyndsey Brown acts in a scene while wearing lingerie, with her cute little tush out there for all to see.

 

Tekla Vassie has what have been a very funny scene if she had any comedic sense or got nekkid, but she doesn’t and she didn’t so the scene is notable only for some pokies.

 

Two other women go topless for significant time but neither is credited.  One of them plays a scream queen and Bill calls her character by name and all that, but I forgot what it was and had zero interest in going back and find out because she ain’t credited nowhere anyhow.

Then there is a gal at a convention who gets paid to sign her name to things and either gives Bill the money or gets money from Bill when she goes back to his room for some recreation.  She might be famous to someone but I am not that someone.

 

Final bit of annoyance in Assmonster is a drop-dead gorgeous gal who calls herself Teresa, dressed in a thong to show off one amazing rumpus.  I am annoyed because she goes no further in the clothing removal department and she shows up nowhere in the movie’s credits.  By the look of her, Teresa is South Asian but her accent is Eastern European.  Wish I could tell you who she is but I just don’t know.