The Vibrating Maid (2000) is a video erotic short from Seduction Cinema with Misty Mundae and Lilly Tiger. Now that Mundae is a huge draw, everything she has ever shot is making its way to DVD, and I seem to be the de facto chronicler of her career. This has a plot reminiscent of the old quarter machine 8 mm loops. Misty is reading a dirty book and playing with her right breast, when she notices buzzing and moans coming from her mother's room. She discovers their maid (Lilly Tiger) in the closet becoming amorous with a chrome plated vibrator. Misty forces her to demonstrate, then to use it on her.

Both women show everything. Frankly, what little dialogue there was is totally unnecessary, and removing Tiger's lines would have helped the film. What we have is nearly thirty minutes of the two women masturbating. Even though I don't expect much from a video short, this one is not especially good. While the two women are fondling interesting body parts, I never detected a hint of real passion. This is a C- at best.

Snakeeater (1988):

Just thinking ... I wonder if Lorenzo Lamas can tell the difference between his father and Ricardo Montalban.

There is something I really like about these Snakeeater movies. They are low budget movies, and they are quite bad. This film looks bad, the acting is awful, and the budget was about zero. It's like a low-budget Canadian ripoff of a Hal Needham movie with higher violence levels and some nudity. Yet the filmmakers manage to create a certain kind of watchable grade-Z entertainment by realizing everything is awful, and not taking it seriously.

For the record, Lorenzo Lamas plays Snakeater, a former Special Forces guy who is now a cop, but gets suspended in every one of the three films, because he breaks the rules, dammit. Once his superior takes his badge and gun, Lamas always takes on some high-minded crusade of his own. His character is a blend of Burt Reynolds and Charles Bronson. Like Bronson, he is always ready for bloody vigilante justice. Unlike the serious Bronson, but in the Reynolds tradition, he drinks a lot of beer, gets in a lot of bar fights, drives a lot of fast vehicles, and battles the bad guys with quips, insults, and snide remarks.

In this particular Snakeeater adventure, the Snakemeister's crusade was rescuing his own sister from some hillbillies who kidnapped her after killing his parents. That sounds like a pretty serious matter, but have no fear that it will become a tragedy. Snakeeater gets through it all with martial arts and sarcasm. He treats the guys who slaughtered his parents with the same jokey disdain he would use for somebody who cheated in a bar fight.

In order to battle various toothless rejects from the Deliverance auditions, Lamas must journey deep into the tropical jungles of Canada, where the hillbillies are generic Southerners, but the cops speak with heavy New Jersey accents. Go figure. The Canadian swamp hillbillies kick Lorenzo's ass, he kicks back with various forms of -Fu, and so back-and-forth until a bloody ending leaves our hero standing proud. Along the way he meets some naked chicks. The end.

Well, not quite the end.

After the plot is completely resolved, there is a comical scene in which Snakeeater, back on the force, captures Horshack the Arsonist. This scene has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie, and is completely anti-climactic after the bloody and tragic gun battle.  In Snakeeater's corner is former Dolphin running back Larry Csonka and another cop. Horshack was supposed to have Screech and Mr Kotter, but nobody showed. Given the presence of Csonka and Horshack, I've deduced that the purpose of this scene must be to present a perfect realized example of advanced Stanislavsky acting technique. By the way, compared to that other cop, Csonka's performance seemed like Kenneth Branagh in Henry V. Csnoka and his partner always complain that the boys at HQ don't show them any respect. Here's my advice, boys. Ditch the lavender colored police car. See pictures here.

• Mowava Pryor (1, 2, 3)

• Josie Bell

Eve of Destruction (1992)

Renee Soutendijk is a respected and sexy Dutch actress who appeared in a couple of early Paul Verhoeven films (Spetters, The Fourth Man). I guess it's all well and good to star in acclaimed European cinema, but those European actresses can't help but notice that Cameron Diaz receives $20 million per picture, so the siren song of Hollywood is powerful. After all, the Dutch and Scandinavian films pay their performers in herring.

This movie was supposed to be Soutendijk's big shot in Hollywood. It wasn't much of a shot. It's an evil robot film. They thought of Renee for the part because, gosh darn it, Dutch performers make great robots. Look how good Rutger Hauer was in Blade Runner.

Renee actually plays two roles. One is a scientist who specializes in robotics, the other is the robot created in her own image. The purpose of the robot is to infiltrate terrorist organizations, perform assassinations, and so forth. It is even armed with a nuclear capability. The scientist is named Eve, as is her robot (Eve VIII). When the robot goes out of control and threatens to explode in downtown Manhattan, she becomes the Eve of Destruction, get it?

Gregory Hines is a special tough-ass counter-terrorism guy who is brought in to pursue and destroy the berserk robot.

Notes:

• The production values and F/X are no better than an episode of The Bionic Woman. This is particularly unimpressive given that this film was made about 15 years after The Bionic Woman went off the air.

• The guns in this film never run out of bullets. At one point, Robot Renee must get off about 1500 rounds without reloading.

• The film rushes to an ending with everyone staring at timer clocks every couple of minutes as the robot's 24 hour nuclear activation ticks down.

• Would you give major federal grants to a scientist using this advanced computer technology  (see picture here)? You just know that's gonna result in a sophisticated  robot. Best of all, no need for a bikini wax.

• Renee was not good at all in either role, but the writing was so bad than I just don't know how much, if any, of the two bad performances was her fault. Her American accent was certainly not believable, but they covered that up by saying that she lived in Europe as a child before returning to the States for high school. Then at Klaus Kinski High, when the other kids majored in French or Spanish, she majored in English with an Accent.

• I have admired what Gregory Hines has done in roles suited to his personality and talents. He is not, however, the snarling tough guy who has little in his life but efficient killing. I guess Alan Alda turned the role down.

• Have you seen many four star generals with long bushy sideburns and long mussed-up hair?  (see picture here, same link as above) OK, maybe General Burnside, but that was the Civil War, and he only had two stars.

• By the way, this four-star general stays personally in touch with all the guys in the field, and is always at the radio when they call in, 24-7.

• Renee Soutendijk (1, 2, 3)

OTHER CRAP:

Just thinking ... will those new North Dakota wines include a Minot Noir?

• Our nation's diminishing pubic hair reserve.
• Jason Rivera's wrestling review: "I have the overwhelming urge to fuck Stephanie until I realize that a few weeks ago Stephanie basically implied Vince McMahon used to pimp her out for contract deals. I mean Giant Gonzalez may have taken a dump in her mouth as part of being signed."
• Literacy in U.S. Cities. Texas is proud to claim three of the five least literate cities in the USA, including the two least literate (El Paso and Corpus). YES! We're number 1! We're number 1!
• Astro-sleuths crack van Gogh 'Moonrise' caper: " Using old-fashioned detective work and modern astronomical tools, researchers said they have solved one of the most intriguing mysteries in art history, the moment that Vincent van Gogh immortalized in his painting 'Moonrise.' "
• MARVEL Enterprises Inc, publisher of superhero comic titles like 'The Hulk' and 'Spiderman', has dropped plans to release a book using the late Princess Diana as one of its heroines.
• Trojan Hijacks PCs to Peddle Porn: "Spammers based in Russia are using stealth and a sophisticated new Trojan horse program to turn home workstations into unwitting hosts in a pornography and spam distribution ring, say security experts. "
• Metacritic's All-Time High Scores. Spirited Away and Crouching Tiger are the highest rated films of the new millennium
• Melanie Griffith takes over the role of Roxie Hart in the Broadway revival of Chicago
• Cameron's topless photo concern: "Action movie babe Cameron Diaz is launching an extortion case against a photographer who took topless photos of her when she was a struggling model. "

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

COUNTDOWN:

• Dave Barry's column on "Talk Like a Pirate Day"
• Avast, me bucco, I know what ye be thinkin'. "Golly, Scoop, I want to talk like a pirate, but my timbers are actually quite warm. Gosh, I don't even know a barnacle from a belaying pin. How will I learn enough in just a few weeks." No problem, matey. Here's your guide to talking like a scurvy buccaneer. Yarrr.

By the way ... I just looked this up, because I didn't know where "shiver me timbers" came from. In Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson had Long John Silver say "Shiver MY Timbers", which would not qualify as proper pirate grammar by today's standards.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Mostly Canadian stuff today...

"Queer as Folk" season 3 finalé
Michelle Clunie and Thea Gill top season 3 with some hot lesbo lovin'. No nudity by Thea but Michelle's nipples get some extra attention. Also Michelle (or at least her character) is in the early stages of pregnancy.

• Michelle Clunie: close up of her nipples.

"Bliss: episode Leaper"
The hottest episode of the eight-part female erotica miniseries. No surprise that three of the episodes have lesbian themes.

• Michelle Lipper: breasts and buns.
• Paule Ducharme: dark breasts and open leg shot (in thong).
• Hot lesbo' lovin: buns by Michelle, breasts by Paule.

Back Stab (1990)
James Brolin vehicle about an architect who gets framed.

• Isabelle Truchon: boobs and butt.
• June Chadwick: pokies in nightgown.
• Bodydub: pinch hitter for June Chadwicks's topless love scene. Judging by the boobs it looks like Isabelle Truchon is doing double duty in the nudity department.

Others goodies:

• Lynn Blackadar: one-timer shows boobs and buns in "No Angel" (1992).
• Mika Ward: cleavage as Swedish waitress in an episode of "Relic Hunter".
• Claudia Besso: sexy as model in "Twist of Fate" (1991).
• Sheri McFadden: topless in "Ghostkeeper" (1980) but the camera angle shows otherwise.
• Isabelle Mejias: very, very dark topless in "The Midday Sun" (1989).
• Isabelle Mejias: classic topless scene in "The Bay Boy" (1984). The lucky guy is 24's Kiefer Sutherland.
• Elizabeth Montgomery: brassiere in "Stone Cold Dead" (1979).
• Elizabeth Montgomery: dark topless in "The Todd Killings" (1971).
• Margaret Langrick: My American Cousin actress shows some pokies in "Jungleground" (1995) which also stars Jesse 'The Body' Ventura as Da Man.
• Rachel Hayward: topless giving a convincing performance as the 'last victim' in "Knight Moves" (1992).
• Elizabeth Barclay: bra and panties in "Knight Moves" (1992).

CORRECTION:
Last week, Katharine Ross has been confused with Faye Dunaway in "Voyage of the Damned" (1976).

• Katharine Ross: in sexy 1930s underwear.

Day # 4 of the Heather Graham marathon from "Killing Me Softly".

First we have more of the most famous scene with all those great topless shots. Next a couple with her clothes on. See she was not naked during the whole movie, but it sure seems that way.

Finally for today, Heather becomes sort of a "Babe in Bondage", as her husband gives her a little breath control bondage while they are making love.

• Heather Graham (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

"Deadly Species"

There are good b-movies, and there are bad b-movies, and this one isn't. :-)

The premise of this absolutely horrible 2002 offering is an expedition into the Everglades to find a missing indian tribe. They wind up finding a monster which is basically a gorilla suit with an alligator head. I've spent many hours in the Everglades in the past, and I can tell you this clunker was NOT shot in the Everglades. I'm guessing they used the producer's back yard.

I could be wrong, but I'm guessing the little bit of nudity is all you'll find interesting in this movie.

• Haans Siver, topless
• Heather Patrone, topless and rear nudity
• Samara Ibanez, topless