American Kickboxer 2 (1993) tells the story of a badass cop and a pacifist womanizing martial arts instructor who are enlisted to find the kidnapped daughter of Kathy Shower. Jeffrey R. Iorio as the mean cop was her husband, and she had an affair with Evan Lurie, the instructor, so the two have little use for each other, and her telling both of them that they are the father of her daughter doesn't help. The film slides from martial arts to crime drama to comedy throughout it entire running time, and they managed to confuse me as to who did the kidnapping for a while without any false clues. On the other hand, there is a certain sameness to many of the numerous fight scenes, and there seems to be an endless supply of bad guys. Shower came off as a ball-buster, which left me with no sympathy for her.

Jeniffer Jacob, as the current girlfriend of Lurie, shows breasts and buns in a hot tub scene at the start of the film. Giselle Tanggi shows her right breast from the side as a massage parlor girl. Neither woman has any credits at IMDB. Jacob gave a decent performance in the short scene, and is, I think, rather attractive, so I suspect se has made other films, possibly under a different name or spelling. IMDB readers have this at 3.4 of 10. I managed to enjoy it by focusing on the humorous aspects. This is a C-.

Trolösa (2002):

Even though cinema's legendary Ingmar Bergman is about 85 years old, he's still active in film. As I write this, he is writing and directing a project called Saraband. Three years ago, he wrote Faithless, and it was directed by his former star and former lover, Liv Ullman. Bergman is a candidate for the title of "greatest director ever" and Liv has written and directed several of her own films, and is arguably the biggest star in Scandinavian history, so the film comes with the heavy burden of high expectations.

As Bergman lives out his old age, he has somewhat isolated himself on an island, away from the hustle and bustle of modern life. As you might expect, this sort of life has a profound impact on the type of material he creates. And he wasn't that cheerful a guy even before he became a hermit. In essence, this film is about Ingmar Bergman writing this film. An old man named Bergman is writing away about characters based upon himself and two people he knew, reliving an incident in his own life some sixty years earlier when he contributed to a great tragedy by having an affair with a married woman. As he sits and writes in his study, he discusses the incident with the wife he seduced. It is only as the story unfolds that we realize that the woman can't be there. The woman in his study is the same age as in the flashbacks, even though Bergman has aged 60 years. Bergman is actually talking to his characters, employing a writer's technique to understand the character's perspective.

That's what happens when you're old and live on a frozen island. You end up spending too much time with your memories and rehashing your life. If you are a great screenwriter, you turn the rehashing into a script.

The film is basically a stage play, and could easily be tweaked so that it could be performed on stage with four actors or even three actors playing the three-and-half parts. (The adulterer is a younger version of the writer.) It is basically people examining and re-examining their lives honestly, in 148 minutes of talk. It is a movie for a very small niche of Bergman admirers. The people who admired it praised its complete honesty, and I guess that is fair praise. I found it very slow going, and it is shot in a TV aspect ratio, so it's not an easy watch.

• Lena Endre (1, 2, 3)

OTHER CRAP:

• Pinocchio came out on DVD today, in a two-disk set. There is no nudity, of course, but I couldn't pass it up. The review is one of my best, mainly because there are silly pictures and about 90% of it was written by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
• It's really hot in the U.K., and that means topless beach birds.
• more naughty autograph signing
• The Evolution of the Lap Dance Trade. Slate Magazine! Click on the pics to get more pics, some of which have bare flesh.
• Did McConaughey 'feel up' 'SNL' actress?: "Matthew McConaughey is at the center of a new scandal in America after a comedienne accused him of feeling her up as part of a TV comedy skit". Hey, we know he loves a good pair of bongos.
• Brit Channel 4 interview with Hewitt: Princess Di was "one hell of a fuck"
• Topless Cameron Diaz pictures spark legal battle
• Weird and Offbeat News Stories: "There may be a reason why celebrities are better than the rest of us: A man in Medina, Minnesota, claims they have more DNA."
• AOL closes the door on Netscape and leaves Mozilla to fend for itself.
• 'The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.'. Those sixteen words in the State of the Union address are now causing a feeding frenzy in the media. I don't care much about that. That's for the political junkies to hash over. But the amazing thing, as this article points out, is that anyone could have been dumb enough to believe the documents in the first place! Believing them was roughly the equivalent of accepting a one-dollar bill with Osama bin Laden's picture on it! They were signed, for example, by the foreign minister of Niger - but the forger didn't even know who held the job, and signed it with the name of a guy who left office in 1989!
• Bush: Oh, we meant to say that Saddam bought Geraniums, not Uranium
• P. Diddy throws a topless party for Bruce Willis
• A Tough Summer, And Maybe a Hard Fall For Kobe: "A number of NBA players have said Bryant's accuser, a college student and former high-school cheerleader, is well known as a basketball groupie"
• MARKETERS ASSESS KOBE BRYANT'S SITUATION
• Roman Polanski sues Vanity Fair, Kate Hepburn slams everyone in bitter memoirs.
• The Discovery Health Channel will air a documentary Saturday (Jul. 19) called 'Transplanting Memories' which delves into the eerie mystery of organ transplant recipients who experience memories of the organ donor. The man who wrote the story must have received a transplant from Rod Serling.
• Satan attends the Tour de France.
• America's leading entrepreneur? A 34 year old man named Puppet the Psycho Dwarf.
• Weekly World News: "every human on the planet will die a slow and agonizing death by suffocation within just eight short years". Could we start with Martin Short?
• Aussie opera dancers naked and costly.: "During the Dance of the Seven Veils, four dancers will unveil just about everything, at a total cost to the company in nudity payments of $140 per performance. "
• The John Tesh Fan Page in High School Spanish. Hola, Isabel, John Tesh quiere muchas albondigas en Sabado.
• If you like Tex-Mex food, be thankful you don't live in New Zealand, where farmers are fighting the Fart Tax. They are protesting by sending sheep shit to their legislators. Sending sheep shit to Congress? Talk about coals to Newcastle.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Kate Vernon topless and gettin' it on with La Bamba (who also directed and co-wrote). We also see her in a lesbo scene with Monique Parent. Vidcaps from the movie "Dangerous Touch" (1994).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

comments by Copperhead

Barbarian (2003):

Hey Scoop, you already had some pics from this flick, but I don't think there was a proper review.  I rented Barbarian on DVD from Hollywood Video- I'm a sucker for these Warrior/Wizard type epics, even though I was surprised anyone is still making them.

It did have the promise of some sexuality (hopefully some decent nudity) and the action star was a multiple Mr. Universe winner I had never heard of.  The remaining actors and all the actresses have Russian or Slavic names, a trend now in Corman movies. Best of all, it starred Martin Kove, who everyone will recognize as the "evil" Karate teacher from the Karate Kid movies, now a member of the Hair Club for Men.

I must say, I enjoyed the movie, so I recommend it as a rental. 

• First the costumes are entertaining, with some of the "bad" guys having the most "evil" masks/costumes I've seen in a while, sort of a cross between Knight's Helmets and Death Heads.  However, not all is well from the costume department.  There is a character that appears to be a boy in a very funny-looking Halloween "Wookie" costume.  And who would have thought peasant girls wore G-strings?  Well, they do in this movie.  At least, they aren't the Victoria Secret ones - they actually look like something that someone in that time period might have to wear, assuming Roger Corman lived back then.
• It does have some authentic castle scenes, which is also a plus.
• The acting is poor, as is common in this type of movie.  The hero, although muscular and physically fitting for the part, seems to have only one expression.  In one fight scene, he postures like a WWF veteran (maybe he has plans for a third career, if this acting thing doesn't work out?) Some scenes are over-acted (such as the captured Amazon girl, when turned over to be part of the Harem: "Any man that touches me will lose an arm").
• There's some overly ambitious photography, such as the scene in the tavern. This is the scene, where not only does Martin Kove out-"Caligula" Malcolm McDowell, but they even have a mud wrestling match between two slave girls. Throw in the line "No woman is allowed to say NO", and then have a slave girl tied up and stripped of her diaphanous gown for everyone's pleasure.
• There is enough nudity to make it watchable, but I'm forever frustrated by some of these movies.  For one thing, the nudity is obviously gratuitous, so at least they understand the appeal.  Given that fact, why do they have a wild native girl making love with her skirt wrapped around her waist?  In fact, there was no frontal nudity I could see, and even though there was some nice rear exposure, it was mostly in G-strings or short short skirts.  Here's a typical example:  Scene shows one of the evil Tyrant's guards, apparently arresting peasants to be slaves. An attractive, poorly dressed peasant girl is thrown at his feet.  He stands her up as she struggles, giving us a nipple peek, and says "Let's see what you've got."  Lifting her dress, he exposes her nearly naked ass.  Looking at the tiniest of G-strings, he says "The king will like you."  Then he ties her hands and takes her away, never to be seen again.  The entire scene was for the ass exposure.  Similar scenes as girls are thrown around in the tavern scene - short skirts flipping up to expose G-string clad bottoms.  They wasted a nice scene of the princess, forced to wear a two-piece costume, tied to a rack as she is mildly tortured and forced to talk about some "secret stone" that was a minor part of the movie.  There was no real exposure in this scene, although her short skirt showed enough cheek that you knew she was either naked or wearing the ever-present G-string.  The actress had already had a breast exposed in the Harem scene - wouldn't you think the evil Martin Kove character would want her squirming, naked and helpless, on the rack? Bottom line on the nudity:   topless or one breast exposed (apparently a fashion statement by Harem girls) by several actresses, some nice rear exposure in G-strings by several unknowns.

 Worth a rental.

Lord of the Strings vs Lord of the G-Strings (2002):

Hey Scoop,

Did you know that Seduction Cinema (the home of Misty Mundae) also puts out tamer versions for the rental market?  I found one at Hollywood Video, and rented it out of curiosity.   It is actually listed on the Alternative/Seduction Cinema website, as "Alternate Cut" R-Rated Version, although the web site gives the title as Lord of the G-Strings, whereas the soft-R version I rented substitutes "Strings". 

There are also some differences in the description, to make it more acceptable for the Hollywood people.  For example, it refers to "Diddle Earth" as "a Mythical Realm."   Also, Misty's character is called Bildo Saggins where I think she is "Dildo Saggins" in the untamed version - she even has a line: "Do you want to see why they call me Dildo?"

Some comparisons (as seen on the website):

• R-Rated  Version:        
  •  Tamer box cover - girls wearing hooded cloaks 
  • No extra features except an un-related music video
  • Toplessness only 
  • Girl-on-girl only hinted at                                                                             
                                                                                     
     
• Unrated Version:

• Girls in bikini-type tops on cover
• Lots of extras, Making 0f.... etc
• Full-frontal
• Explicit girl-on-girl

One thing I found very strange. Seduction Cinema is not mentioned on the Box at all.  It lists Forest Street Entertainment and ei Independent Cinema  (www.eicinema.com) as distributors.  Why did they do this? Alternative Cinema/Seduction Cinema is a very well-known New Jersey independent film-maker, specializing in soft-porn, girl-on-girl, erotic vampire/witch/horror spoofs, and some retro titles, usually packaged with both the original and a remake.

Caps from two movies today.

"Medium Cool" (1969) is a quintessential late 60's movie, with all the deliberate touchy-feeliness and quirky characterization that are oh so painful to watch these days. Think of the Lifetime channel with hippies instead of women in peril.

The only saving grace of this dated movie is Marianna Hill running 'round all nekkid and stuff. A triple B performance, marred only by the darkness of the scene and, thus, the noisiness of the images.

Marianna was the first woman I saw unclothed on the silver screen. A local movie house, near a college campus, ran a different pair of older movies every night. Showed two 70's Westerns one night, a genre I loved as a kid probably because this was long after it had disappeared from the small screen. One of the Westerns was Bandolero a Dean Martin/Jimmy Stewart thing with Racquel Welch and the other was the Lee Van Cleef/Jim Brown epic El Condor. Late in that flic, Marianna did a strip routine to distract the guards of a fort. Distrated me, too. Fell instantly in love. In fact, if I were to start a fan site it would be one dedicated to Marianna Hill.

• Marianna Hill (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Second movie is "Cyborg 2". So Cyborg, the original, was soooo well received they just had to make a sequel. Well, I've seen the original and this one is way better, if only because Angelina Jolie shows off her mighty-fines. The scenes are dark but Angelina looks angelic in a role that allowed her to practice a bit before doing Lara Croft.

A word about the movie's plot, if you can call it that. Two conglomerates compete for domination in cyborg manufacturing, only the competition gets real nasty and involves more than stealing trade secrets. Part of the competition involves development of a fully functioning female cyborg.... wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more. And so the movie begins with the awakening of Renee Amman and her try-out as a literal humping machine.

One nagging problem. She blows up during sex, taking her partner with her. Now if they made an Angelina model... or better yet, a Heather Graham model... it would be worth the risk, but for Renee? I, myself, will pass.

• Angelina Jolie (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Renee Ammann

Rachel Miner
(1, 2, 3, 4)

TALKING BILL CLINTON DOLL RELEASED
Cigar Sold Separately - Talkingpresidents.com had such success with their talking doll of George W. Bush, they've just released their second collectible: a talking Bill Clinton action figure. Among the famous phrases it says are the "I didn't inhale" line, "I did not have sex with that woman..." and "It depends upon what the meaning of the word 'is' is."