Midnight Mass (2002) was an attempt to veer away from the image of vampires as seductive creatures, and present them as the monsters they are. They are taking over the world, and running out of food. They spend all day hunting new prey. The story is centered in The Garden State, a title which proves the people of New Jersey have a sense of humor. The film is visually excellent, and has a very interesting lead character who is conflicted, as she is a "devout atheist," but sees Catholic sacraments actually defeating the vampires. In the novel on which the story is based, it was a Jew having a crisis of faith, but they figured out that irritating Jews was not a good move when you were searching for financial backing, so made her an atheist.

I can't tell if this had the potential for being a good film or not, as the acting is miserable, especially from the female lead and the main villain. It was so bad, in fact, that it was impossible for me to get into this film at all. I must admit, vampire films are far from my favorite genre. Yet, vampire film is a popular genre, and this film has a new slant and great visuals, which have earned it an audience among genre fans, so it is properly scored C-.

Gods and Generals (2003):

I don't know if this is the most boring movie ever made, but it has to be close. It basically re-enacts the Civil War in real time. I'm interested in the details of the Civil War, and I could barely stay awake. If you're not interested in a four hour film made for Civil War re-enactment geeks, try a root canal before this film. Even if you are interested, you may want to consult my comments.

No nudity.

OTHER CRAP:

• Police dig for Jimmy Hoffa evidence
• Olsen Twins Gone Wild!
• Jordan saved from personal injury in car crash by her built-in airbags.
• Minoso plays in seventh decade. "The ageless Minnie Minoso added another line to his resume. Minoso, 77, became the first player to play professional baseball in seven decades Wednesday night when he took the field for the St. Paul Saints against Gary in the independent Northern League."
• IMDB bottom 100 films. As of this moment, "Manos, the Hands of Fate" has finally been ... um ... undertaken. From Justin To Kelly is currently ranked last of all time.
• Talking Presidents | Action Figure . Bill Clinton
• director Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill will be split into two films, with the first part to be released on October 10
• August Is Anal Sex Month. That might help you talk like a pirate on September 19th.
• Christina Ricci is nutty as a fruitcake. She is afraid of common objects and situations. Has anybody thought of introducing her to Billy Bob Thornton?
• How do you get intellectuals to read porn? Mention Camus once in a while.
• Senate, House to Vote on Pronunciation of 'Gyro'
• Is Harry Potter gay? Of course not, the kid loves baseball! Although his interest level is down a bit since Piazza went on the DL.
• 20,000 people in UK to get blow jobs
• Another cruel real-life example of the shocking degradation of women, or a big put-on? That's the question being raised about Hunting for Bambi, a Las Vegas-based business which purportedly offers 'hunters' the opportunity, for $10,000, to stalk naked women and shoot them with paintball guns.
• Alabama woman wins 22nd annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Fiction Contest
• The Real Roseanne Show is a new ABC reality series that follows Ms Barr around as she creates a cooking/lifestyle show called Domestic Goddess. . Scheduled to premiere Aug. 6.
• frequent masturbation may protect men against prostate cancer.
• Shakespeare in the Park - Henry V - Cousin Balki as Pistol, speaking with a New Jersey accent and improvising his own lines. 'nuff said. Can anybody explain to me why Bronson Pinchot has a career? Is is just to make Martin Short seem funny in comparison?
• The 85th Annual White House Bachelor Auction closed Monday night with an impressive $93 raised for leukemia research.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

Disney is already gearing up for Pirates of the Caribbean 2. They're doing their part for Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arrrrrr you?

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Joely Richardson, full frontal nudity in scenes from Ken Russell's made for Brit-TV version of "Lady Chatterley" (1992).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

• Lisa Donatz and Corinne Kingsbury, the KY Jelly wrestlers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

• Kristina Hughes (1, 2)

• Elisha Cuthbert

• Unknown porno chick

"Python"

This mega-low budget stinker has an all-star cast of C-list celebs and even lower level special effects. This puppy could have been a fun and ultra-campy genre parody, but instead it seemed to try a little too hard to be a legit, B-grade action flick. Scoop menitoned in his review that there is a full-length commentary by the director and some of the f/x people that is, by far, the best thing about the DVD and worth checking out. Other than that, unless you are a member of the William Zabka fan club (the evil guy from Karate kid and Back to School), or if you have a hankerin' to see Casper Van Dien do the worst accent ever caught on film, go ahead and skip this one.

By the way, for some reason there is a sequel called "Python 2", also starring Zabka.

• Skinemax babe LoriDawn Messuri topless. (1, 2, 3, 4)

WOMEN LIE ABOUT SEX MORE THAN MEN DO
Lie Or Lay? - According to a study by psychologists at Ohio State University and Main University, women are more likely to lie about their sex lives than men are. Many surveys show straight men claiming to have had more sex partners than straight women did, which is statistically impossible. In this new study, over 200 single, straight college women were asked how many sex partners they'd had. They were then hooked up to a non-working lie detector. When they thought they would be caught if they lied, the number of sex partners women admitted to nearly doubled.