Fear No Evil (1981) is a typical "Satan is incarnated as a gay High School student who seems to eat golden retriever blood, and is opposed by three archangels, a dead priest, a pushy old woman, and a high school girl who dreams only of him" film. The nudity is breast exposure from an upstate New York chick named Roslyn Gugino who had never acted before (and still hasn't) playing the part of the girl who shows her breasts. As if this isn't enough, the music is putrid, the transfer is grainy and out of focus, the plot makes little sense, and rather than writing an ending, they just added a bunch of laser effects.

IMDB readers have this at an incredibly high 3.7 of 10. Give this one a VERY wide birth. E-.

Spun (2003):

I'm not sure exactly how to describe this movie, but here's my best shot. Imagine if they remade "Requiem for a Dream" as a comedy.

Spun uses all kinds of visual pyrotechnics and fast cuts to recreate the feeling of taking a drug, specifically crystal meth in this case. In addition to the effects that it generates with rapid-fire editing and surrealistic sets, it adds additional craziness through depraved animated sequences, as well as wildly exaggerated characters and situations. In short, it convey darkly humorous view of what it's like to take meth and live in the meth word, without having to go through the trouble of actually taking the drug or hanging around with the losers who build their lives upon it. Spun was originally intended to be a documentary called The Cook, primarily about the people who make crystal meth (called "cooks"). In the process of researching the project, writer Will de los Santos rode for three days with a cook, and ended up writing this very screenplay as a fictional retelling of those three days.

Is it an anti-drug film? No, not really. It shows the users and even the dealers people living in squalor and thinking hazily. It shows some of them getting arrested or shot by the police or others in the scene. It shows people blowing things and themselves up while creating the drug. But that's only because those things happen. It keeps the real tragedy of drug use at arm's length in the process of re-creating the experiences, the aggression, the mood-shifts, and the effects of sleep deprivation. The law enforcement people in the film are just as fumbling and unattractive as the druggies. The film doesn't try to create sympathy or empathy for any characters, so it isn't deeply involving, but it has a truly demented and often brilliant comic sensibility.

John Leguizamo plays the dealer, with his usual manic energy and uninhibited lower-class "I'm evil, but kinda nice" persona. Mickey Rourke plays the tough guy who cooks the product. Jason Schwartzman and Patrick Fugit play the everyday guys who don't seem to belong in this world. As Shakespeare once said, they are merely douchebags adrift among scumbags.

Maybe the Bard's wording was slightly different.

The supporting players include:

• Mena Suvari, who talks and fidgets non-stop as a chick whose brain has been fried by meth.

• Eric Roberts, as a gay druglord.

• Brittany Murphy, as Rourke's bimbonic but good hearted girlfriend.

• A green dog.

• Peter Stormare and Alexis Arquette as some insane, glory-hungry cops. (Credited as "mullet cop" and "moustache cop".)

• A woman who is naked through the entire film

• Ron Jeremy as a bartender in a strip club.

I ask you, how can you go wrong with a movie that features Ron Jeremy, Mickey Rourke, and Eric Roberts?

The unrated version of the DVD is crazy. John Leguizamo spends the last third of the film stark naked except for a sock on his dick. Chloe Hunter is stark naked for virtually the entire movie. (Summoned in the middle of sex, Schwartzman leaves Chloe tied up on the bed when his drugmaster calls. Of course, being a complete druggie, he forgets about her and leaves her there for three days.)

• Chloe Hunter (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
• Chloe Hunter deleted footage. Ya gotta love this. He had to cut a couple seconds of footage because the naked actress opened her legs facing the camera. But he put it in the deleted scenes. Director Jonas Åkerlund is our kind of guy! If only the quality was better in the deleted section.
• Brittany Murphy in a bikini (1, 2), but spread-legged, and maybe showing more than she hoped. Actually this was silly. All the other strippers in the club stripped, but Murphy came out in a bikini, wiggled a bit, stayed in a bikini, then collected her tips and left. IN fact, she couldn't actually be called a stripper at all, since she never actually removed anything. If I may cite the Deltas, "blowjob, blowjob, bullshit, blowjob". If a stripper in a topless or nude joint comes out and stays dressed after using up my time, she better be prepared to tip ME.
• Charlotte Ayanna. Pokies only. She wasn't as gorgeous as in Blue Iguana, but she still looked luscious.

UPDATES:

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.

OTHER CRAP:

• Emmy nominations. They look exactly the same as last year's. Maybe they are last year's.
• J-Lo tried to cook a meal for Affleck in front of millions of TV viewers, but she got into hot water when it became clear she didn’t have a clue how the can opener worked. And then Ben made her boiling mad by turning his nose up at her cooking skills. He glanced into the pan, pulled a face and asked: “What’s this? Fried fish or chicken?”
• Kobe Bryant charged with sexual assault. This leads to the actual court document, as shown on The Smoking Gun.
• Penthouse paid their employees only 25% of this week's salaries, and a lender may foreclose on the Mansion. Worse than that, they have missed their printing schedule because they can't cover printing costs.
• Madonna now insists on being called Esther.
• Elephants Don't Understand Swedish. Well, geez, can't they just speak Norwegian to them?
• listen to samples of Chuck Barris's album "Confessions of a Dangerous Singer"
• Great site: Yesterday's Tomorrows. "Past visions of the American future"
• Ken Griffey has another season-ending injury - after rupturing a tendon running the bases
• Jennifer Lopez says she's not a demanding diva. She also mentioned that she has a small, tight butt.
• Pete Rose jury says: Let him in
• Former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer says he considered telling President George W. Bush how to pronounce 'nuclear' -- but never did.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Wild Thing (1989):

In the search for a Damsel in Distress movie, with more nudity and less "tease",  I found a near-perfect film. My copy is called Wild Thing, on VHS.

DISTRIBUTOR INFO/ACTORS/ACTRESSES:  Classic outdoor bondage by B & D Pleasures. With Keri Kelley, Tanya Fox, Slone Winters, Jay Dee, & C J Hall.  No other info available. The IMDB (special interest/adult) lists it, but very little info. 1989, Tanya Foxx, no other information.

SUMMARY:  Plane crashes in the jungle, no one is found, did anyone survive??? Did the 10 year old girl survive??? We follow a search party 9 years later checking out  tales of a "Wild Woman" living in the jungle.  This is similar in plot to an Italian movie from the 60s
called Tarzana the Wild Girl, which is available through SinisterCinema.com and maybe Something Wierd Video.  In that other movie, the relatives search for and find a young Tarzana, wearing only a G-string, in the jungle.

PLOT DETAILS:  A scientist and his two beautiful students set out to search for her. They find the almost naked "Wild Thing" caught in
a trap, set up by an adventurer, who is trying to capture her, mainly to sell her to Slave Traders.  Not knowing their intentions, she fights them, losing her shirt, so they bind her hand and foot,  and carry her back to camp, topless wearing only skimpy bottoms - more of a bikini than a loin-cloth, probably due to budget restraints. What follows is a sequence where each of the female helpers is caught by the adventurer, and bound, then rescued. Then they are caught again, as is the still topless Wild Thing, so the bad guy now has all three
females captive. Time to head for town, where he wants to sell them to the slave-trade. He pulls up or takes off the tops of the two college girls, then all three gals are tied arms behind back, connected by a neck  rope, and marched topless through the jungle. Along the way, he
decides to leave a clue for the Professor, so he strips the Wild Thing of her bottoms, making her march completely nude. After a  break, he ties the wild one and one helper back to back, sitting on the ground, and takes the other helper and spread-eagles her to the ground, stripping her to her panties. The Bad Guy decides the two students are slowing him down, so he decides to leave them as a  trap for the scientist. First they are stripped completely naked and tied back to back to a post, which is holding up a large rock. Then he marches off with the Wild One, still completely naked with her arms tied behind her back.

The scientist finds his student helpers, naked and bound, figures out how to free them, and they take off after the bad guy again.

PLUS/MINUS: 

• First, the Plusses: It does have a story, which could have been  more developed.  I really liked the near-nude, then topless, then  completely naked Wild Thing being captured and bound. I also liked  the fact that the two female student helpers were also captured, bound, marched topless, then stripped completely. One thing that really helped a lot,  is that the 3 females don't have that porn-star look, or even that typical Hollywood look. They are more average, girl-next-door types.  None of them have perfect bodies, but they are very realistic and natural in appearance. Some might not find their bodies that  attractive, but I did, as they reminded me of women I have known in my life.
• And then the Minusses. Acting was about as expected.  Costumes (the Wild Thing's bikini bottoms would have been hard to explain,since she was stranded as a child), set, and so on also as expected for this type movie.  Neither added or distracted from the action.  Directing was amateurish, probably working without a script.  There is on clear ad lib when you hear a rock fall nearby.

MY COMMENTS:

This movie is about 95% perfect. With just  a few adjustments, this would have been the "perfect" DID (Damsel-in-Distress) movie of all time. I only wish they would have gone the extra 5%. Here's what I would have told the director, if I could:

1.  After being stripped naked, the two student assistants should have been rescued either by strangers or some of their college peers, to add to their embarrassment.  It would have been better for them to have had their clothes stolen, too.

2.  The two female helpers were left tied up naked, but it never showed them actually being stripped.  It showed their tops being removed, yes, but not the bottoms.

3.  Only the Wild Thing was forced to march totally naked and bound.

4 . Another big oversight:  Although this type of movie works best if  NOT porno, I did hope for some better exposure. There was one brief spread shot by Wild Thing, and one brief spread shot by one of the student helpers, as she struggled against her ropes. They could
have done that A LOT better without even trying. For example, they could have had the two naked girls tied STANDING (they were sitting or crouching).  And one was tied spread-eagled, but  she was wearing panties. The third naked girl didn't have much exposure. More  exposure and more embarassment (not much was made of their nudity when they were rescued) would have added a lot of titillation

5.  More could have been made of the "Slave Trade" angle. Maybe  they could have been delivered to the market and forced to strip or
put on display for a buyer, before being rescued by some students from the college, for maximum embarassment. 

NUDITY:  All three actresses show everything, see comments and plot details above.
 

FINAL COMMENTS:  So far, this is the BEST DID movie I have found or even heard of.  I have a feeling it exists under different titles and maybe longer/shorter versions. I'm sure either way you'll be lucky to find a decent copy.
 

• Kim Dickens (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Former Lara Croft model Rhona Mitra appeared topless as another one of the Evil Bacon's victims. There is even more toplessness in an extended rape scene that you can find in the deleted scenes on the DVD. Unfortunately my 'puter didn't want to play nice today and wouldn't let me access the special features. For those who just have to see the extra nudity, go to the back issues and check out the Januray 3, 2001 update.

• Rhona Mitra (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

"HOOTERS OF COFFEE HOUSES" THREATENED
Keeps You Up All Night! - Tony Nunez, owner of Sugar's coffee shop in San Jose, California, claims he's being harassed with countless tickets for minor parking and maintenance problems, to force him to move. Sugar's coffee is served by buxom, scantily-clad women; Nunez calls it "the Hooter's of coffee." Customers love it and say the coffee is better than they expected, but Nunez has even been ticketed for sponsoring a lingerie show. A spokesman for the upscale neighborhood association said, "The desire of the neighborhood has always been for a Starbucks."