Do or Die (1991) is another Andy Sidaris film. This time the evil Kane (Pat Morita), with the help of his main squeeze, Carolyn Liu are out to assassinate Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez. They are doing it by playing a "death game," sending 6 teams of assassins one at a time to get them. Among the good guys are Erik Estrada, Pandora Peaks and Cynthia Brimhall. Ava Cadell makes a brief appearance to add some nudity in an otherwise boob-free section. The plot is easier to keep track of than most Sidaris efforts, but the "expert assassins" are not especially bright, nor are the girls. When the final team confronts Dona and Roberta, the girls have them nearly unconscious, and run off, allowing them to recover and chase them. We have breasts and buns from all six women, and exploding helicopters, bombs, gun fights, car chases, and remote control helicopter models.

IMDB readers have this at 3.1 of 10, again on the low end of the Sidaris Spectrum. I agree. The plot was too lame this time, and the sex lacked any passion. This was Pandora Peaks' first film, according to IMDB. This is a very low C-. Even if you enjoy the Sidaris formula, this one is a little hard to take.

UPDATES:  

• New volumes: Shelley Michelle, Juliet Mills, Roxanne Michaels

• Updated volumes: Kate Moss, Misty Mundae, Julianne Moore, Sophie Marceau, Andie MacDowell, Madonna, Amy Madigan, Shirley Maclaine, Josie Maran, Nina Moric, Audrey Marnay, Carolyn Murphy, Kylie Minogue, Ana-Claudia Michels, Lorissa McComas, Tane McClure, Robin Mattson, Emily Mortimer, Demi Moore, Marilyn Monroe, Jillian McWhirter, Mathilda May, Sarah Miles, Mason Marconi, Shannon Tweed, Charlize Theron, Christy Turlington

OTHER CRAP:

• From Liz Smith's column: OVER IN BRITAIN, reporter David Gritten appears to have seen Jane Campion's  "In the Cut," starring Meg Ryan, Kevin Bacon and Mark Ruffalo. This is described as "an accomplished piece of filmmaking, it is also bleak and shocking . . .  and may yet be remembered for Ryan's reinvention of her screen persona."  Meg, who has had it with the "America's Sweetheart" routine, will be seen nude and has screen orgasms that are not the fun stuff of "When Harry Met Sally." All the movie's characters are sexual predators. And furthermore, Gritten  reports, "the film's serial killer subplot ensures that sex, violence and gruesome murder remain closely linked. At least one scene will test the tolerance of  Britain's censorship board."  Meg's performance is apparently so strong, so radical - and this is not the first time she has tried to move into edgy territory - that "her change of image seems likely to stick." Will other sugary screen sweeties look at Meg now and say, "I'll have what she's having"?
• A MAN lying in a street with a broken leg after being run over by a cop car was mocked by a cop. Colin May, 43, begged the officer: Call me an ambulance! And the cop replied: OK, you're an ambulance." Actually, he said "you're a fucking ambulance"! Now that's humor.
• According to the sex survey, 69 percent of ladies enjoy going to strip clubs and 60 percent of those surveyed have received lap dances from other women.
• Dolphin tries to fuck Demi Moore. We're not talking about a Dan Marino type of Dolphin. We're talking about an actual aquatic mammal with a hard bottle-shaped nose. That's right, we're talkin' Flipper-Fuckin' for Demi.
• The President really, really likes his dog.
• pro wrestlers' real names
• 50 words and phrases to avoid on a first date
• Top Eleven Minions of Skeletor
• "My fellow Americans. In recent days, I have looked on in bewildered rage as the non-FOX news media has virtually ignored all my fabulously-produced photo ops in favor of twisting its liberal panties into a musty wad over 16 lousy words in my 2003 State of the Union address" whitehouse.org
• The UVM Dude Man now claims to have a topless picture of Kobe's accuser
  Jr's Note...I first saw the topless picture UVM Dude Man is talking about nearly 2 years ago when it landed in my in box as a joke.
• J-Lo doesn't trust Affleck?? Say it ain't so, Lo.
• "Superstar singer Mariah Carey was left underwhelmed by the response to her presence in Tokyo this last week - only eight fans were waiting to greet her at the airport"
• Which wine goes best with chicken or conquest? Adolph Hitler brand.
• US Deputy Defense Secretary Wolfowitz really said this, in these exact words: "I think all foreigners should stop interfering in the internal affairs of Iraq."
• Four Horsemen saddle up. Jerry Bruckheimer films are #1 and #2 at the box office.
• For sale, 1966 Volvo, still in possession of original owner. Only driven 2.2 million miles.
• The husband of Democratic Party stalwart Babs Streisand has been cast as Ronald Reagan in a CBS miniseries.
• France Abandons Industry
• Misty Mundae nekkid pictures. How can ya go wrong? From MistyMundae.com. (Plenty more if you hunt around)
• President Bush loves to impersonate Dr Evil. I didn't make that up. Honest.
• Halle Berry was slipping and sliding around naked with 30 other women in a prison shower in Montreal. The movie is called Gothika.
   

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Francesca Neri, topless and close up bush views in scenes from The Ages of Lulu" (1990).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

• Julie Strain going full frontal in #1 and topless in #2. (1, 2)

• Kristi Ducati, the star of such classics as "Meatballs 4" and "The Bikini Carwash Company" parts 1 and 2! Here she is topless in a shower scene.

• Toni Naples, topless

• Rochelle Swanson, the late night regular showing off the robo-goodies. (1, 2)

• Julie Strain and Toni Naples, lesbo lovin' in leather.

• Julie Strain, Toni Naples and Rochelle Swanson, 3-way lesbo lovin'

"Laurel Canyon"

A predictable and at times slightly boring movie is made a lot better by an outstanding performance by Frances McDormand, including a nude scene (which kind of surprised me :-).

An engaged couple goes to live with his record-producer Mother while finishing his internship and her research. What he didn't know is that his mother is in the middle of producing a record at the house.

While being drawn into the hell-raising record world of the mother, she winds up in a relationship with both the mother and the mother's lead-man boyfriend, while he gets envolved with a female resident. The big problem is you always know where the movie is going, and only McDormand's performance was outstanding.

• Frances McDormand, topless
• Kate Beckinsale, undies
• Marcia Cholodenko, topless
• Unknown, topless

• Anthoni Stewart, topless and feeling herself up.

• Debra K. Beatty and Anthoni Stewart...sunbathing, hot tubbing and lesbo lovin'. (1, 2, 3)

• Monique Parent and Anthoni Stewart...breasts, thongs and lesbo lovin'

• Monique Parent and Debra K. Beatty , ditto that for these scenes.

• Monique Parent, Debra K. Beatty and Anthoni Stewart...hot tubbin', lesbo lovin' and even some pubes this time.

Other odds n' ends....

• Jacqueline Lovell, breasts and bush in scenes from the kinda funny, low budget Skinemax flick, "Head of the Family" (1996).

• Julie K. Smith, the busty B-movie babe and former Pet topless and showing some pubes in one of those "here are a whole bunch of nekkid babes posing to music" things.

#1...I find it curious that someone who is such an obvious media junkie and has billions of pictures taken of her every month would pretend to be shy and cover her face when the cameras start going off.

#2...It appears that she's not wearing undies :-)

STALLONE SLAMS SUMMER MOVIES
And When Stallone Says Your Movie Sucks!... - Sylvester Stallone, now in "Spy Kids 3," slammed this summer's mindless blockbusters by saying "if you got a little drunk and you had an editing machine," you could have the Hulk chasing Charlie's Angels, then Lara Croft saves them, and the Bad Boys and X-Men shoot the Hulk. He said you could release it in Russia as a 25-hour CGI bonanza "and they will never know the difference."