The Life of David Gale (2003) was reviewed by Scoopy the day I received it, and his review started by saying that it would be a total spoiler, so don't read it if you intended to see the film. I took him at his word, and didn't read it. The subject is capital punishment in the world capital of that practice, Texas. Kate Winslet is a hot shot magazine reporter given a three part interview with a man who has lost his last possible appeal, and will die the day after the three days of interviews. The man, Kevin Spacey, is convicted or raping and murdering fellow anti-capital punishment activist Laura Linney, who was his only remaining friend, and dying of Leukemia. He had not always been friendless, but he lost his job as the darling of a university Philosophy department, and his wife and son, when an expelled graduate student seduced him, then accused him of rape. Already an alcoholic, his life was not in good shape. That is the set up. If you have an interest in the rest of the story, there are three good options. You could rent and watch it, read Scoopy's lengthy review (which I agree 100% with), or go to the 33 minute of the film and listen to a short conversation to learn the ending.

This film was made by talented people, both director and cast, but is one of the worst disappointments I have seen lately. Even the full nudity from Laura Linney couldn't take the bad taste out of my mouth. You would think these people would understand that to make a thriller suspenseful and therefor interesting, there has to be some doubt about the outcome, and preferably at least one surprise. The final solution comes in an epilogue, and, even with only seconds left of the running time, I was absolutely certain what secret would be discovered.

This is a C-, as it has some following, but, were it up to me, I would sue the production company for wasting my time and insulting my intelligence.

Kingpin (2003)

I guess that things have a way of balancing out. If you read yesterday's page, you know that everything turned out worse than I expected. A movie with Morgan Freeman turned out to be a zero-budget flick with some Freeman scenes kinda tacked on. Then a highly-acclaimed French movie turned out to be not as good as advertised, with very little nudity.

Today the whole thing turned right around for me.

I wasn't going to look at Kingpain at all. After all, it was an NBC mini-series, so I figured it would suck, and that it would be shot on cheap videotape in a 4:3 aspect ratio, and have no nudity. I don't even know why I brought the three disk set home from Blockbuster, and I set aside only an hour to fast forward through the five hour mini series. WRONG! It is watchable - pretty good - kind of a Latin American version of The Sopranos. It has some beautiful cinematography, and the DVD transfer is a gorgeous 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen with vivid colors. Best of all, there is miscellaneous nudity from the opening credits, and substantial nudity from two nude cinema veterans, Maria Conchita Alonso and Sheryl Lee.

Now that's a pleasant surprise. Obviously, they had planned to release an unrated version for the DVD market. Cool.

Not only did I spend time doing caps, but I actually watched about three of the five hours in unaccelerated motion! (It consists of six 50 minute episodes).

• Maria Conchita Alonso (episode 4) (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
• Sheryl Lee (episode 6) (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Unknown 1 (she's naked in the opening credits) (1, 2)
• Unknown 2 (I forget which episode)

For the purposes of the descriptions above, I have considered the pilot to be episode 1, then the other five episodes are numbered 2-6 in the order in which they were broadcast.

The Hole (2001)

My good luck didn't end with Kingpin. I expected The Hole to have some Keira Knightly nudity, so I watched it because Keira is now in everyone's radar. But I got plenty of nice surprises on this DVD as well:

1. The movie is actually a good thriller. It's very atmospheric, with excellent and innovative use of background music to create mood, and it is nicely photographed. (I'll post a review later)
2. The anamorphic PAL transfer (it's a Region 2 DVD) is beautiful.
3. The DVD is loaded with features, including deleted scenes, two alternate beginnings, and full-length director's commentary.
4. There is more of the Keira Knightley corpse nudity in the deleted scenes.

• Knightley (1, 2, 3)
• Knightley in the deleted scenes

Who is El Flautista de Hamelin?

He's our latest contributor, and the ol' Pied Piper sent me his first contributions.

• Paula Vasquez in Il Vostro Regalo di Natale
• Laeticia Bredice in En La Ciudad Perdida
• Jenny McShane in Stag

His caps of McShane got me curious, so here's what we have on her.

• Shane in Stag (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Shane in Shark Attack 3
• Shane in Monsoon

OTHER CRAP:

• IE POSTERS from the 50s.
• The man who led US troops to Saddam Hussein's sons Uday and Qusay was last night paid a $US 30 million reward. Tomorrow night he's hangin' out with Colin Farrell. Oh, and me of course.
• Hey, 30 million dollar Iraqi guy: Angelina Jolie hasn't has sex for a year.
• Hot actress Reese Witherspoon is furious that a raunchy video showing her in naked scenes is being advertised on television across America. (It's just her topless scene in Twilight.)
• Go to http://www.google.com, enter "weapons of mass destruction" (with the quote marks) in the search window, and push the I'm feeling lucky button
• "FILM critics have branded J-Lo and Ben Affleck's new film a total disaster which is destined to bomb at the box office.
  Gigli has had reviewers sniggering in the aisles at the laughable dialogue and ludicrous plot. " My favorite line compares oral sex to "turkey time" because you "gobble, gobble".
• ACCORDING to Jerry Lewis, Marilyn Monroe could never have fooled around with the late President John F. Kennedy or Frank Sinatra - because she was too busy spending time with him.
• Tiendra Demian, 33, who was in several of the 'Emmanuelle' soft-core porn movies in the 1990s, is in the DeKalb County Jail, charged with working as a prostitute out of the basement of her home. Illinois law is very specific. It would have been OK in her den, or an upstairs bedroom, but basement prostitution is a serious offense.
• a tribute to SHRINKY DINKS!
• Woman Wrongfully Idenitified As Bryant's Accuser: Oops, those internet pictures seem to be another cheerleader from the same school. Or not.
• "Alec Baldwin wants you to 'Meet Your Meat.'"
• Cheech and Chong reunite
• Matt Drudge joins Mike Piazza on the official list of people who are not gay.
• also, some people say William Kristol is not gay, but he is chairman of the "Project for the Republican Put ure" , and you know how gay guys love "put ure".
• Good news! Idi Amin wakes up His first words: mom, Pepsi, human flesh.
• The Smoking Gun finds James Brown's "goofy" announcement
• Bush administration works to eliminate both government-sanctioned snail-mail and e-mail, replacing both with "faith-based mail".
• (alleged) topless pics of Tech TV's Cat Schwartz. The story says they are from her blog at www.catschwartz.com
• a sequel to Big Trouble in Little China??
• Dan Rather Chokes Up as He Recites John Denver Lyrics. Nothin' odd about that. I think John Denver caused each of us a choking fit at one time in our lives. I have the same problem with Kenny Rogers and Barry Manilow as well.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Today we feature Susan Dey, the former "L.A. Law" star, and of course probably best known as Laurie Partridge.

Here are vidcaps from the 1986 movie "Echo Park". We have Susan teasing us the whole movie with cleavage, pokies, brief flashes of bare boobs and finally having her top pulled down by a man to give us a decent look at the goods.

• Susan Dey (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

From the "so bad it's good" department comes 2002's "Play-Mate of the Apes".

Yes, this is a sexplotation take-off on Planet of the Apes and yes, it's loaded with nudity and a total rip-off of the Planet story, and yes, it's also all-lesbian for those that are into that, but it's also hilarious as hell. In fact, I enjoyed it better than the recent Planet remake, just because it's so goofy.

This thing isn't low-budget, it's no-budget. Looks to me like they shared maybe three ape suits among all the actors. I think one of the reasons for all the nudity was so they wouldn't have to buy wardrobes. :-)

Some great dialog in this one, too. "You pressed the 'Do Not Press' button?" asks the commander. "We're all gonna die!" In another scene, an ape talking on the phone says he's going to hang around the ranch alone and "spank the human".

Taken for what it is, there's no way you won't like this one. Since there's hardly a scene without nudity, there's way too much to cap. The girls appeared together a lot, so I tried to feature each one in a collage, but the others appear also just because of the way it was filmed. As for trying to tell the story in a collage like I normally do, the story is just everybody screwing everybody. :-)

• Anoushka
• Darian Caine
• Misty Mundae
• Sharon Engert
• Shelby Taylor

By the way, a straight-to-video sequel called "Dracula II: Ascension" just came out...and my lord is it a stinker! In fact it's so horrible, I think copies of it can be used to kill vampires. Just show them the box and I think they will melt as if it were sunlight.

It's written and directed by the same guys (Patrick Lussier and Joel Soisson) and is a well filmed movie, but....there are Skinemax-lesbo-vampire flicks with plots and writing that are at least 10 times better! Seriously gang, it's not even worth the rental on rent one get one free day.

Celeb Nudity news...
Reese Witherspoon Furious Over Video

Reese Witherspoon is upset that people are seeing her topless in the movie "Twilight." Odd, she didn't seem too upset when she did it. I paid to see that movie in a theater when it first came out, just because it had Newman and James Garner, and I make it a point to pay to see all movies with gray-haired old actors, just to baffle all those 20-year-old studio executives who think I should only be fascinated by vacant young squirts such as Mandy Moore and Josh Hartnett.

So there I am, waiting to see my grizzled, gravely-voiced favorites, and what pops up on screen as an extra added bonus but Reese Witherspoon's maracas? I didn't ask to see them, didn't expect to see them, didn't even know I was going to see them, but somehow, it's my fault that I saw them and I should be ashamed of myself? They way she's acting, you'd think it was a porn clip shot through her window with a telephoto lens.

The lesson for Reese should be, "If you want to maintain your 'squeaky clean image,' don't walk around topless in major Cinemascope motion pictures starring Paul Newman and Susan Sarandon."

KANSAS REALLY IS FLATTER THAN A PANCAKE
Marlon Brando Has Dreams About This - It's official: Kansas really is flatter than a pancake. Geographer Mark Fonstad and his colleagues at Southwest Texas State University used a digital elevation model of Kansas to compare its topography to that of a pancake. While Kansas does have some hilly parts, on the average, if there were a pancake the size as Kansas, Kansas would be "considerably flatter."