Friday

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To see and use all the Funhouse features, you need Netscape 6.+ or MSIE 5.+.

• Netscape 6.2.2 is available free for download or on CD.
• MSIE 6.0 is available free.

Midnight Plowboy (1971) is the second film on the latest Something Weird DVD, also by Harry Novak. This one is pure soft-core. The title is an obvious play on Midnight Cowboy, and the main character is a country bumpkin with a heart of gold in the big city -- in this case, Hollywood. He ends up living in a whorehouse, and drives a van for their new outcall service. He also falls in love with one of the girls. When a competitor confronts them about invading his territory, our hero finds the solution and saves the business.

While there was at least as much nudity as in Country Cuzzins, much of it was hand held close-ups of body parts, usually dark and out of focus. However, there were still a lot of images worth the effort. Here is the nudity breakdown:

1) Terri Johnson - wife of driver who picks our hero up on his way to Hollywood. Shows breasts and bush seducing him in the back seat.

2) Nan Cee - madam of the cathouse. Shows everything having sex with her husband as a demo for the staff.

3) Linda McCrae - hooker. We see her in group scenes, and sitting on a Jew's face in the mobile bed. She shows all three Bs, including a nice full frontal in a group scene.

4) Christy Anna - hooker. She shows everything, including a gyno cam shot, both in group scenes, and in the van.

5) Debbie Osborne - hooker and plowboy's girlfriend. We also see everything from her.

Two unidentified hookers also show it all, as does the owner of a boat having sex with plowboy. It is still awaiting 5 votes at IMDB. For me, it is a curiosity, and a reminder of 70's adult drive-in with the SO. Steamy cars and evenings ending in hot sex. Some of these women are lovely. C-.

Look at the value of marketing. Answer the following two questions.

• How likely are you to say "yes" when someone says, "let's go see that new zombie movie?"
• How likely are you to say "yes" when someone says, "let's go see that new zombie movie with Milla Jovovich stark naked and her legs spread apart?"

See what I'm driving at here?

General summary:

• Zombie movie based on a video game.
• Very noisy heavy metal score from Marilyn Manson and Slipknot.
• Digital readouts in overlay, digital watches showing time remaining before cataclysm.
• Flesh-eating zombies reaching out their hands while making grunting noises.
• A creature with a really long tongue

Bad points:

• No characterization at all. Some of the lead characters don't even know who they are.
• Basically no dialogue except stuff like. "We're all going to die down here" and "Move it! fast!"
• Humorless.
• The people who liked the movie said it was brain-dead unoriginal nonsense. (See below)

Good points:

• Milla Jovovich naked twice
• Milla wandering around some cool locations in and around Berlin
• Lots of close-ups of Milla's beautiful blue-green eyes
• Milla moving around at a frenetic pace

'Nuff said. Just think of it as one of Milla's make-up or shampoo ads, except with flesh-eating zombies. By the way, it is still boring despite the illusion of movement created by frenetic pacing and headbanger music.

When I looked up the Rotten Tomatoes score and found it to be a surprisingly high 33%, I thought to myself, "what kind of reviewer could like this, and why?" Could it be someone who has never seen this plot before? Nah, a movie reviewer has to have seen some other movies. Maybe someone who wants nothing in life other than to see Milla naked (not unlike me)?

Following up on that thought, I thought it might be interesting to see what Rotten Tomatoes considered to be "positive reviews":

"the film acknowledges upfront that the plot makes no sense" - Pop Matters

"brain dead" - Slant Magazine

"thoroughly unoriginal" - Reeling Reviews

Remember, those are excerpts from the 33% positive reviews, not the 67% bad ones.

Of course, all of those reviewers did go on to say some positive things, but the above phrases don't normally occur in a positive review, do they? The point is this - the people who liked the movie said it was brain-dead unoriginal nonsense. You can imagine what the others said. And you can deduce that you will not like it unless you believe that frenetic action, cool sets, and loud noises are enough to make up for incoherence, stupidity, and unoriginality.

I've never been an advocate of celebrities taking diction classes and learning to talk with high-falutin' faux-British upper class speech, ala Streisand and Madonna. But I've changed my mind. Milla Jovovich needs to take voice and diction classes. I like Milla. She is a good actress. I have heard people say she is a good singer. She can be beautiful. She is willing to work hard on a role and to do whatever is necessary for the film, including being as ugly as the scene demands. Everyone in the business says she has a great work ethic. But her soft, slurred little girl voice and Valley Girl accent have to go. She's Kevin Costner in a prettier package. Every time she opens her mouth, I think I'm listening to Milton, the mumbly stapler guy from Office Space.

• Milla Jovovich (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Anna Bolt, playing the challenging role of Anna Bolt. According to the closing credits, she was supposed to be Dr. Green, but whoever created this computer overlay for the film must have mistakenly typed in her real name instead of the character name.

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Today a look at the fabulous body of Jennifer Behr in "Justine: Object of Desire" as she pleasures herself. Hot Babe.

• Jennifer Behr (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

In a few weeks you'll be able to see her on the big screen in the Vin Diesel movie, "xXx".

Wow, Fey and Leno in the same place at the same time. I think that's what science refers to as a comedy black hole.

>From IMDB News. No wonder Billy Bob always looks so skinny and dehydrated...

Billy Bob 'Cheated On Angelina With Sex Therapist'
Billy Bob Thornton cheated on estranged wife Angelina Jolie with his sex therapist, according to reports. British tabloid the Daily Star, claims Tomb Raider actress Angelina ordered Thornton to attend sessions at a clinic in a bid to save their two year marriage - after discovering he had cheated on her with a string of groupies and members of their household staff. But rather than use the counseling to cure his sex addiction, the newspaper claims Billy Bob seduced the therapist. Now Jolie has reportedly given up hope for their marriage and is seeking a divorce. A friend of the actress told the Star, "That was the point she realized her marriage was truly finished. She felt humiliated and destroyed." The pal claims Jolie confronted Thornton - with whom she recently adopted Cambodian baby orphan Maddox - and told him, "You aren't a fit husband for me or father for our child." According to the newspaper, Angelina first discovered her husband's infidelity when one of their maids claimed the Monster's Ball star had made her pregnant. The pal adds, "She was devastated. Billy Bob's a horn dog. He would screw anything that moves - and does. Angie knew how he was from the start, but had no idea of the extent of his problem. She agreed to kinky bedroom games, but it was never enough. Angie warned him their marriage was over unless he sought help and he swore on everything holy that he'd get treatment. But then we hear he's screwed the therapist." The split marks the end of an intensely passionate two-year union. To the outside world the pair appeared to have one of the most solid relationships in Tinseltown. They frequently expressed their devotion to each other and even exchanged vials of each others blood.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Actress-singer Jennifer Lopez filed for divorce on Thursday from her dancer husband Cris Judd, citing irreconcilable differences after less than a year of marriage.

The divorce papers were filed in Los Angeles Superior Court the day after Lopez celebrated her 32nd birthday. Lawyers said the pair had also reached a financial settlement agreement. Details were not disclosed.

"Jennifer Lopez and Cris Judd have announced they have resolved all issues arising out of their marriage. The resolution was extremely amicable...The two will remain friends," a statement issued by their lawyers said.

The couple, who met while working on Lopez's music video "Love Don't Cost a Thing," married in September last year and separated on June 2, according to the court papers.

Lopez had turned to Judd after splitting with her long-time boyfriend, rap impresario Sean "P.Diddy" Combs, during his much publicized trial in New York on weapons and bribery charges. Combs was later acquitted.

Judd was the second husband of the Latina diva, whose music and movie career took off last year with both the hit film "The Wedding Planner" and her chart-topping album "J.Lo." Her first marriage, to Ojani Noa, ended in divorce in 1998 after about a year.

Reports at the time of their separation said Lopez and Judd were still friendly but were no longer living together.

But the actress, regarded as one of Hollywood's sexiest celebrities, has recently been linked by tabloid media reports to actor Ben Affleck, her co-star in her next movie "Gigli."

According to one report, Affleck took Lopez out for a birthday lunch in Manhattan on Wednesday and presented her with a diamond bracelet.

Bronx-born Lopez has two more movies lined up this year and is also recording her next album, her publicist said. In the past two years she has also launched her own clothing line and opened a Cuban restaurant in Pasadena, near Los Angeles, hiring her first ex-husband Ojani Noa to run it.