Haunted (1995) is a ghost story, not the startle or gore variety, but the strange occurrence variety. Aidan Quin pushes his young twin sister while playing. She hits her head, and drowns in a river. Cut to the future. He is now returning to England as a Psych professor, having just completed a book claiming that there is no such thing as psychic phenomenon or ghosts. He decides to visit a persistent letter writer at her country house. She is having ghost trouble. He is met at the station by Kate Beckinsale, who lives in the old family mansion with her two brothers, and the Nanny who raised them since both their parents died. HE is impressed from the beginning with Beckinsale, who has a propensity for taking off her cloths. The longer he is there, the less certain he is about the impossibility of ghosts. Beckinsale's character shows breasts and buns in a swimming scene, posing for her brother, who paints her, and in a sex scene with Quin. CNDB calls this a confirmed double, citing no less an authority than the prestigious friend of a friend. SONDB thinks it is Beckinsale. Several of the images show face and body parts, so judge for yourself. IMDB readers have this at 6.1 of 10. The minor critics who have rung in on the film are more for than against. For this sort of film to work for me, the ending must be a surprise, and I had this one pegged by the half-way mark. I did enjoy Beckinsale's character. C-.

Scoop's note: definite body double. One of the most daring examples ever, because the body double's face also appears in the frames. Both Beckinsale and director Gilbert have discussed it in interviews. Beckinsale was very irritated at the time, because the filmmakers kept adding more and more reasons for the character to get naked. See my comments for an excerpt from Beckinsale's interview.

Complicity is basically an attempt to make a Scottish version of SE7EN, filled with "righteous" murders that fit the victim's sins, including the literal disarming of an arms dealer, and the literal butchering of an incompetent doctor who is a "butcher" with a scalpel.

I don't know much about director Gavin Millar. He's in his mid 60's and directs mostly for TV. His only notable film credit is a movie that I found oddly compelling - Dreamchild - the story of Alice Hargeaves, the little girl who was the model for Alice in Wonderland. At age 80, she looks back on her childhood and tries to assess the true nature of her relationship with Lewis Carroll. Ian Holm turned in one of his characteristically brilliant performances as Carroll.

I wish I could say that Mr. Millar brought some of that talent over into this film. I think that he probably misfired badly here. He had spectacular, rugged Scottish locations to shoot in. His source was a lurid Iain Banks novel that mystery fans were drooling over. He had good performers and a very sexy woman willing to do frontal nudity and kinky sex.  But the film formed nothing with that excellent clay. As Tuna said in his review, there is little suspense. There is also very little audience involvement with the characters, and some choppy editing which makes the narrative clumsy. The focus is often wrong - important points are brushed over lightly, while irrelevant bits receive much screen time.  Worst of all, the tone doesn't always seem right. While David Fincher knew how to make the biblical deaths seem grisly and frightening and creepy in SE7EN, similar deaths seem campy here, thus turning the whole film away from SE7EN and steering it in the direction of Dr Phibes.

Couple that with some often incomprehensible Scottish dialects, and the fact that I didn't understand how it ended, and it all adds up to a movie which is not very compelling.

I did love the location photography, however, and I thought Keeley Hawes was sexy. Decent basic storyline, nice photography of great locations, decent performances. BUT - bottom line: I never got hooked in. Not a bad film, but one for genre buffs only, and even then not brilliant. C-.

• Keeley Hawes (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

Tipping the Velvet (2002)

More of Keeley Hawes!

This was a three part BBC miniseries. Set in Victorian England, it tells of the lesbian love affairs of a girl from a simple seaside village who makes her way to London as the assistant, then stage partner, then bed partner of a beautiful "male impersonator".  The term "Tipping the Velvet" is to Victorian England as "Chewing the Carpet" is to contemporary America.

The glamorous vaudeville actress eventually betrays her small-town lover (with a man, no less), and we then follow the trials and tribulations and eventual triumphs of the village girl. In the end, she has to decide between a sincere woman who loves her, or going back to her glamorous lover, who wants her back.

(Cue up Kenny G music.)

I guess you can tell that it has chick-flick written all over it. Women rate this thing 9.1 at IMDB. Well, it has great production values and acting and period costumes and authentic music hall tunes and that kind of tutti-frutti shit, but I guess the main attraction for us guys is advanced lesbonics. There's no frontal nudity or explicit sex scenes, but there are plenty of naked women kissing and rubbing their breasts together and playing with dildos and moaning and calling each other "tarts" and making each other wear slave costumes and so forth. So you have to give it pretty high marks in the area of lesbotronic delights, especially by TV standards. Thank God for the BBC, and their constant quest to let us look at breasts in a guilt-free environment where we can pretend to enjoy the witty fuckin' dialogue and authentic period atmosphere.

These BBC shows really need only one thing to be perfect:  some comments for us to make when people ask us how we enjoyed them. Because you know the guys in the office are gonna nudge one another and suggest that we're only lowbrow assholes watching this for the tits. Therefore, BBC should give us some appropriate comments at the end, so we know how to convince the boss and our girlfriends that we are only watching for the incisive cultural analysis. You know what I mean. Some comments showing how Ibsen touched on similar themes in A Doll's House, or some blather about the exploitation of the working classes and the repression of women in Victorian society, and how the themes of this movie foreshadow the emergence of Leninism in Europe. You know, the phony-baloney crap we need to say so we can look at breasts in front of our wives. Women love that pretentious shit so much better than, "whoa, honey, look at those gazongas rubbing together. Why don't you get your sister over here, and try that out?"

Today is really more about Keeley Hawes than the shows she's in. She is a turn-on for me. She basically looks like a refined lady - kind of a soft spoken Julie Andrews clone, with sparkling tender eyes. And then she drops all the Julie Andrews stuff along with her trou. She looks great naked, too. Big natural breasts, and a completely natural body that looks like what real women look like naked, as opposed to those who spend three hours a day in the gym. She has a bit of sag here, is a bit too soft there, too lumpy elsewhere, but overall she is gorgeous. Just a beautiful real woman. I kinda miss seeing those in the movies. It seems like the women today look like Cameron Diaz with no spare flesh at all, or like Demi Moore with muscles that indicate she could kick my ass, or like Pam Anderson with no recognizable human-flesh body parts. So Bravo to Keeley for looking great naturally, and for letting us look it.

• Keeley Hawes (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Rachael Stirling (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

MAILBOX:

Scoop's reply: I don't know if that is really ol' Ensign McKnight. Anyone else have any ideas?

Hey Scoop, a friend called and alerted me to Big Brother yesterday.  When I switched over, I saw two hot chicks in bikinis, made of pieces of lettuce held on with strings.  They were barely covered, and one of them had her top stripped off.  I don't know if any goodies were uncovered, but it was sure sexy.  Maybe someone caught it and can get pics.  I wondered if it was just a ploy to get the boys to
"eat their vegetables?"

Copperhead
 

 

OTHER CRAP:

• MR. T's WORLD O' ILLUSION
• Liza Minelli and David Gest separate. Thank God. I found their relationship frightening, and even more confusing than the concept of Andy Dick having a girlfriend.
• Advanced Rutabaga Studies Institute
• Willis and Kutcher stood by laughing while Flipper was fuckin' Demi. Now THAT's important news.
• Cannibal invents Penis Butter. Skippy has not expressed an interest.
• A picture of the Cubans who tried to drive to Florida in a 1951 Chevy pick-up.
• Suzy Whaley breaks 100. Of course, she beat Duval by 9 strokes in the first round. His game is is top shape, eh? You know I supported Sorenstam, but this one was bullshit. If she had qualified from the regular tees, I would support her fully, but they let her qualify by playing from the women's tees, then she had to play from the men's tees in the tourney. What's that all about? Why don't they just let her qualify on the miniature golf course at Castle Fun and Games.
• Rain delay in indoor stadium. Sorta.
• No more doubt about it. "Hunting for Bambi" revealed to be a hoax.
• North Korea has charged all US presidents dating from Harry Truman to George W Bush with war crimes.
• A group called 'Draft Traficant for President 2004' communicated with the imprisoned former Ohio congressman by mail and received permission to start a campaign"
• URL says it all. JesusTheMonsterTruck.com
• Judge Issues Gag Order in Kobe Bryant Case. The judge also ordered a round-the-clock guard on the Lindbergh baby, and for all Colorado barns to be locked after the horses escape.
• CNN.com - '28 Days Later' gets new ending - a darker alternate ending. Moviegoers who stay in their seats past the closing credits will see the five-minute coda, which began appearing in theaters Friday. "
• George Bush = Mr. Magoo?: "a Republican strategist dubbed the timely deaths of Saddam’s sons, “Bush’s Magoo moment. Bush is like the hapless cartoon figure Mr. Magoo who stumbles unaware through mishap after mishap but somehow manages to emerge unscathed."

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Ronit Elkabetz, topless, rear nudity and full frontal views in scenes from "Hatuna Meuheret" aka "Late Marriage" (2001).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

A few weeks ago when we did "Human Nature" with Patricia Arquette, we couldn't resist also capping some scenes of the other female co-star Miranda Otto.

Now Miranda did not get naked, but as an old timer with a great fondness for cheesecake style leg shots, we give you Miranda showing off a great set of legs. The final cap Miranda is relaxing in lingerie.

• Miranda Otto (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Isabelle Gélinas
(1, 2)

Sandrine Le Berre
(1, 2, 3, 4)

Alexis shows excellent breasts, Gélinas is also topless, Le Berre shows breasts and bum.

CUBANS ARRIVE ON FLOATING '51 CHEVY
The Heartbeat Of America - Twelve Cuban refugees were caught by the Coast Guard trying to reach America in a 1951 Chevy pickup truck converted into a boat. They used 55-gallon drums to keep it afloat and attached a propeller to the driveshaft, giving it a top speed of 8 mph. The Coast Guard intercepted them just 40 miles from the Florida shore and returned them to Cuba.