Vamps 2 : Blood Sisters (2002) is a straight to vid Vampire hooker titty flick. We see the usual plasticized boobs and buns in G-strings from a host of women, but only four I was able to identify. Seems Glory-Anne Gilbert killed the vampire that bit her and married a priest, and is now the headline stripper at Vamps. The dead vampires twin sister is pissed, and sends Shelby Taylor and Zoe Ciel ahead to Cincy to soften her up. She intends to kill both her and the priest, but first wants to find out if she is the chosen one who will become pregnant, turn back into a human, and return all vampires to human form. Of course, she is the chosen one.

An ancient vampire explains all of this to Gilbert, and helps her defend herself, because he wants to return to human form so he can go to heaven and be with his family again. Yes, the story is every bit as lame as it sounds. The nudity is mostly in typical strip club lighting. IN addition to the three mentioned above, I was also able to identify Leslie Culton. Zoe Ciel is a redhead, and Shelby Taylor is a blonde. There wasn't a single frame where the two weren't together and they even spoke in unison most of the time. The photography was terrible, and they thought it was clever to have the camera at odd angle to the floor, so up isn't always up. IMDb readers have this at 2.2 of 10. This is only for the die-hard skinemax fanatics and vampire fans will be appalled at the liberties taken with vampire lore. This is a D.

Ned Kelly (2003):

Ned Kelly was the highest grossing Australian film at the Aussie box office in 2003, and is something of a quasi-national epic in Oz. It was released without fanfare in about 20 theaters in the USA, and promptly disappeared without amassing so much as a measly hundred grand in grosses.

Its core is based on a true story, but the tale is told here mixed with more than a bit of legend. Kelly was the Aussie equivalent of Jesse James, or at least the Jesse James of folk legend, an honest man turned into an outlaw by corrupt authorities, and then elevated to a folk hero by journalists and word-of-mouth.

Eventually forced into a fugitive life, Ned and his gang started robbing banks, all the while burning the mortgages of his family and friends, and returning almost all of the stolen money to poor people. While he was at it, he killed more than his share of corrupt cops, turned all the local ladies into his gang's groupies, and became an ad hoc social revolutionary.

As you can probably guess from that summary, the film seems to be stronger on legend than fact. Amazon.com describes it as follows:

Making no attempt at factual accuracy, Ned Kelly is still an engaging action film with its heart in the right place. You don't need to be a student of Australian history to know that a movie about the life of the notorious folk hero and outlaw is not going to be a light-hearted romp through the outback. Injustice, persecution, and unlawful imprisonment are the meat of his story, all presented here with not too much of a rose-tinted perspective amid generous doses of obligatory action.

True or not, it's a helluva good yarn. The climax to the story could not be much more cinematic. Ned and his gang were holed up in a village pub with the locals and a traveling circus, surrounded by about a hundred policemen. The policemen started blazing away without regard to the lives of the innocent bystanders, which included women and children. Amid the the chaotic scene, punctuated by the anguished cries of women and the roars of exotic animals, Ned and his men fought back by walking out of the pub clad in home-made body armor and blasting away. Amazingly, Ned survived the battle, and lived just long enough to be hanged at age 25, despite petitions for his pardon signed by 32,000 people.

The film must star just about every major Australian film star except Nicole Kidman. The capable cast includes Naomi Watts, Geoffrey Rush, Heath Ledger, and Rachel Griffiths.

If you've seen the best American Westerns about Billy the Kid or the James Gang, you can probably mouth the dialogue along with this one (provided you can muster the Irish brogue, of course), but if you enjoy that kind of story, this one makes up for its stiffness and lack of originality with sincerity, a smooth narrative, Australian flavor, slick cinematography, and a charismatic cast (which also includes a non-Australian rising star in Orlando Bloom).

• From the credits, I think this is Thea Gumbert, but I'm just not sure. Maybe one of you Aussies can chime in here. One example of what distinguishes an Aussie movie from an American - this brief scene of full-frontal nudity of a woman who had no lines (but appeared on camera in several scenes). It could have been cut and nobody would notice. In an American flick they would have cut it to get a PG-13 rating. So I'm glad it was not American. (It was rated R in its brief American release)

Out of Reach (2004):

Out of Reach is the latest straight-to-vid from Steven Seagal, which is about all the description you really need, isn't it?

Actually, it isn't as bad as the 3.7 IMDB score would lead you to believe. In 2003, Seagal made two absolutely terrible movies directed by Michael Oblowitz, and the IMDb scores indicate that this one is in that same territory. It is not. It is far better than those two abominations. It is more on the level of his last 2003 film, the mediocre Belly of the Beast, so if that one was entertaining enough for you Seagal fans, this one will be as well. Not that there's anything much for the rest of you.

1. (6.29) - Executive Decision (1996)
2. (6.09) - Under Siege (1992)
3. (5.50) - Get Bruce (1999)
4. (5.29) - Exit Wounds (2001)
5. (5.18) - Above the Law (1988)
6. (4.89) - Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)
7. (4.88) - Out for Justice (1991)
8. (4.88) - Marked for Death (1990)
9. (4.87) - My Giant (1998)
10. (4.79) - Hard to Kill (1990)
11. (4.79) - Glimmer Man, The (1996)
12. (4.31) - Belly of the Beast (2003)
13. (4.30) - Fire Down Below (1997)
14. (4.11) - Patriot, The (1998/I)
15. (3.91) - Half Past Dead (2002)
16. (3.75) - Out of Reach (2004/I)
17. (3.51) - On Deadly Ground (1994)
18. (3.38) - Foreigner, The (2003)
19. (3.34) - Ticker (2001)
20. (3.12) - Out for a Kill (2003)

Seagal plays a retired secret agent (doesn't he always) who is corresponding with a brilliant Polish orphan girl, when he finds out that his pen-pal has been sold into white slavery. If there's one thing those Poles still haven't learned about Western culture, it's that you should not tick Seagal off. When he figures out the problem, the Stout Sensai promptly gets on a plane with a bushel basket full of false ID's, and heads off to Eastern Europe to kick Poland's ass and rescue his young friend.

The basic storyline wasn't so bad. Seagal did OK in the action scenes for a 50ish, 300 pound man, and his acting was no better or worse than usual. Po-Chih Leong did a serviceable job as the director. The Polish/German actress Agnieszka Wagner played a Polish cop, and brought some charm and talent to the part of the mismatched buddy cop (slash) love interest, and Matt Schulze was his usual cruel, psychotic self as the main baddie.

If the story had stayed focused on that core story with that cast, it could have been a pretty decent little movie. Unfortunately, for some reason why completely baffles me, the script also included a totally useless sub-plot about the intelligence agency Seagal used to work for, whose honchos decided, in their infinite wisdom, that Seagal must either come back to work or be liquidated with extreme prejudice. Apparently it wasn't enough for Seagal to defeat the entire country of Poland, rescue an orphanage, and stop the white slave trade through Eastern Europe. I guess it was just a matter of needing a suitable challenge for a man of Seagal's stature. If they hadn't come after him, he probably would have killed a few innocent CIA guys, just to get the agency mad at him, thus making his other jobs a little less routine.

• Some Polish hookers(1, 2). As you can see from these caps, the photography and set design aren't half bad. Unfortunately, this is the best nudity Seagal could come up with, despite filming in a country filled with beautiful women, and working with an attractive co-star (Agnieszka Wagner) who has been known to get naked on film regularly.

OTHER CRAP:

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.

Bring Me The Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974)

I haven't ever seen this film, but judging from the IMDb score it is another one of Peckinpah's better films that is still not on DVD.

The first two are long clips, but Shiloh did a good job at compressing them without losing much quality, and the file sizes are quite reasonable. The avi's weigh in below four meg! (Wmv's are a bit larger)

• Isela Vega ( .avi- zip) (.wmv - zip)

• Isela Vega ( .avi- zip) (.wmv - zip)

• Isela Vega ( .avi- zip) (.wmv - zip)

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

• "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" star Jennifer Jason Leigh topless in a scene from "Death Ride to Osaka" aka "Girls of the White Orchid" (1983).

• Mariel Hemingway, topless in scenes from the Dorothy Stratten biopic "Star 80" (1983).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

A few Hefmate clips for today... You will not be surprised to learn I got a million of em.

(divx encoded .avis -zipped)

• Bonnie Large, Miss March '73 in The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington.

• Claudia Jennings, uncredited but flat out freaking gorgeous in The Man Who Fell to Earth.

• Two clips of Cynthia Wood in Apocalypse Now Redux (1, 2). I guess Redux can be translated as "tits have been added."

• Pamela Zinszer, Miss March 1974, in The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington.

• This Rebekka Armstrong in Hellcats in Highheels III. She is taking part in some weird-ass photography session with a second babe who keeps her clothes on. If Hankster is still around he is gonna like this clip.

• Ruthy Ross, Miss June '73, in The Centerfold Girls. This clip was taken from a videotape recorded at EP. The other gal with Ruthy is Jennifer Ashley (beware of actresses and car salesmen with two first names).

Today from the Ghost...Elisabeth Brooks going full frontal (#1) and topless (2-3) in a love scene from 1981's "The Howling", directed by Joe Dante. Naturally, since it was helmed by Dante, Robert Picardo and Dick Miller both have small parts.

For those not are not familiar with the name...the immortal Dick Miller is a symbol of everything important the Fun House believes in - obnoxious comments and low budget movies filled with naked chicks. Most people probably know him best as the drunk, grouchy neighbor from "Gremlins" (1984).

• Elisabeth Brooks zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3)

"The Deviants"
Modern day LA-based sex comedy about a guy named Norm (Doug Dezzani) and his secretary (Tamara Curry) who run a dating service for sexual deviants. Despite of many b-movie actresses and hefmag bunnies only Tiffany Shepis shows any full nudity and that it as a nudist.

Canadian Scoopsters will be surprised that Toronto born Johanna Black plays Norm's girlfriend and they have many fully clothed sex scenes.

• Johanna Black: mostly underwear and cleavage, #3 shows the most skin. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Tamara Curry: cleavage, tight shirt.
• Tiffany Shepis: topless and full dorsal nudity.
• Angel Boris: former heffer raping Bruce at gunpoint. The horror!
• Emily Petta: upside down sex. Do not try this at home!
• Shauna Sand: another hefmag bunny in a bikini.
• Mikki Padilla: b-movie actress showing cleavage.
• Tamie Sheffield: softporn actress showing only mega cleavage.
• Katie DiCicco: tight t-shirt.

DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION HOOHA
But Where Will We Sit And Think?! - 1,200 print reporters at the Democratic Convention are upset that they've been provided with only 20 porta-johns, like those used at construction sites. They say the last Republican Convention provided them with large toilet trailers, at a higher ratio of toilets to coffee-swilling scribes. Organizers called the 20 porta-johns a cost-cutting move.