Strike a Pose (1991) was suggested by two readers as a film with lots of gratuitous nudity, and I was able to locate a copy of the long out-of-print DVD. We have a cop on suspension, and his girlfriend, a former model turned fashion photographer. This is enough for tonight, as there was way too much nudity for a single night. There are three photo sessions, where the models pose in swimsuits, lingerie, and topless.

The credits list models as:

Kelly Dunn
Kristy Gibson
Keichia Shablis Story
Beth Ann Manning
Carolyn Kwiecinski
Debbie Beatty
Tina Jakobsson
Dianna Cuevas
Larissa Burnett
Paris Burnett

I have no idea whose whooters are whose. Tomorrow night, the identified women and the full review.

This is the third straight-to-vid from director Devin Hamilton in just a few months. The first two (Birth Rite and Bleed, each rated a dismal 2.9 at IMDb) never really seemed to strike the right balance between the elements that Grade B film lovers enjoy, and they made the mistake of taking themselves seriously, which is the one truly fatal error in the B world. After all, it's OK to make movies which are unappealing to mass audiences, as long as they deliver the goods to the target audience.

This one is still a B movie, but I think the B movie elements were balanced better in this film.

1. It's not a serious attempt at a thriller or a horror movie, like the previous two Hamilton efforts, but a high camp horror/splatter/comedy. Julie Strain plays the house mother of a sorority which manages to be financially self-sustaining. They do this by luring guys into their house, killing them, and cooking them into meat pies which are sold at bake sales. The ol' Sweeney Todd gag. Appropriately enough, the sorority is Delta Delta "Pi".

2. There's plenty of nudity. Four women show their breasts, and three of those (all but Shepis) show at least a quick flash of their ... um ...delta. (There is also full-frontal male nudity). Julie Strain shows even more in the DVD special features in which she bathes and showers while the camera examines her thoroughly.  Big Jewel is now over 40, but she is in top condition, and is a real professional when it comes to this type of material. She absolutely assures that you will get the nudity you seek. My only disappointment with the film is that I would have liked more nudity from the other women.

3. The gore is just plain silly, which makes it fun. Julie Strain cuts out some guys' vital organs while they are still conscious, then throws them in a blender and drinks the result. As she makes her health drink, she is tossing around the organs and catching them in the blender, behind the back and no-look, ala Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Strain is also shown making sausages out of human flesh, her topless body covered in blood and guts. One woman is shown biting off a guy's schlong, with blood splattering everywhere. You get the idea.

4. One word: catfights.

5. The funniest and strangest element of the film: they chose a girl about 5'4" to play Julie Strain in the flashbacks to her college days. Strain is 6'1" without shoes, and lifts herself to 6'5" or 6'6" with the heels she wears in her dominatrix garb. The girl who played Brinke Stevens in flashbacks was about the same height as the girl who played Strain. Supposedly, the characters had not seen each other since college, but when they meet again, 20 years later, Brinke is not even slightly surprised that her old friend is now about a foot taller than her! (Brinke is 5'4")

All in all, a reasonably entertaining bad movie with lots of extra stuff on the DVD. A great improvement from the Devin Hamilton team.

• Julie Strain thumbnails
• Julie Strain (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
• thumbnails for the others
• Rachel Myers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Tiffany Shepis (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Katie Adams

OTHER CRAP:

• Scientists find that masturbating keeps the doctor away. Early calculations show that Bill Maher will live forever.
• Stupid Warning Labels
• Picture this: Glastonbury 2003, a songwriter plays to a small crowd from a small stage. Suddenly a lady appears, and she is naked. She lies down in front of the stage and starts... " With explicit pictures.
• Agent fears Kournikova may retire
• Carson Daly shows that he was right - he is a douchebag after all.
• The Red Sox's Bill Mueller hits grand slam homer in consecutive at-bats - one right handed, one left handed. (Never done before in history)
• The Pentagon has named Retired Admiral John Poindexter, the man responsible for the recently abandoned idea of a terrorism futures market, to head the newly created Department of Bad Ideas.
• Focus groups at advance screenings for Gigli, a romantic comedy starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, have demanded a new ending in which both stars die 'in as brutal a manner as possible,'. And they weren't talking about the characters they play, but actually about J-Lo and Affleck.
• The "Gigli" reviews are starting to roll in at Rotten Tomatoes. Samples: "Gigli is so horrible I had to go cleanse my palate afterward by watching Glitter." Current rating is 0%. Can they hold up the perfect zero and tie the record of my main man, Roberto Benigni?
• New York Post Online Edition: gossip: "Brittany Murphy, the starlet who was so good in '8 Mile' has taken a wrong turn with 'Uptown Girl,' say insiders at aintitcoolnews.com who've seen previews. 'If I was taking a long plane ride someday and this film was the featured movie, I'd jump without a 'chute,' "
• Novelist Jonathan Ames wants help in finding 'The Most Phallic Building in The World.'"
• Cyber Meltdown (2004). Check out the cast for the upcoming Cyber Meltdown: Linda Blair, Jamie Farr, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Omar Sharif, George Takei, Dawn Wells.
• Sexiest100.org. They run an ongoing poll to determine the sexiest 100 women. With non-nude pics.
• 1st public gay high school set for NY City. I hope my old high school, which never won a football game, can get this school on their schedule.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Nicole Appleton
(1, 2, 3)

Review: Ben and J-Lo's 'Gigli': It's Turkey Time, Gobble, Gobble

DEMI RIGHT: BOYTOYS ARE BEST IN BED
My Boy Lollipop - Demi Moore may know what she's doing: In a poll of British women by New Woman magazine, nearly two-thirds of women who've had affairs with younger men said they were better in bed. A majority of the women said there weren't enough men of their own age to date, so they dated boytoys 5-to-10 years younger. They said they work and don't need a man to take care of them, and their boytoys brought more fun and energy to their relationships. One drawback: 70 percent admit that sleeping with a younger man made them more worried about their looks and bodies.