Revenge of the Cheerleaders (1976) takes place at a very shabby High School, essentially run by the cheerleaders, who do pretty much what they want. The sport this time is basketball, and the star of the team, Boner, is played by none other than David Hasselhoff, who shows his tool briefly. He is the most ungainly basketball player I have ever scene. The plot, such as it is, concerns an unscrupulous developer, who wants to condemn the school, and build a shopping center. Cast member Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith showed up several months pregnant on the first day of shooting, but they left her in anyway. In an epilogue, she is shown greeting the other four cheerleaders holding her new baby son. The film is disjointed, poorly edited, has a painfully bad sound track, and universally poor acting.

There are five full time cheerleaders, although two mysterious ones appear and disappear to fill out dance production numbers.

Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith was seen naked from the back only. I guess they thought frontal of a very pregnant woman was a little much even for exploitation. She is probably the best known of the five cheerleaders, and has appeared in Caged Heat, The Swinging Cheerleaders, Video Vixens (as the Twinkle Twat Girl), The Pom Pom Girls, Slumber Party '57, Melvin and Howard, and Vice Squad, among others. She unfortunately died in 2002 from Hepatitis.

Jerrie Woods also appeared in The Switchblade Sisters, and was the most competent actress of the five, but showed no skin.

Susie Elene, the one who "stuck her face up a guys ass," showed everything in several scenes.

Helen Lang, Penthouse Pet July, 1976, also appeared uncredited in Caligula. She shows everything in a long outdoor scene.

Patrice Rohmer is the most naked of the cheerleaders. Her clothes seem to explode off of her every few minutes. Her credits include The Harrad Summer and Jackson County Jail.

The film includes many well known character actors, including Eddra Gale as the school nurse. Her credits include 8 1/2, The Graduate, I Love You Alice B. Toklas, Hotel Paridiso, What's New Pussycat and Somewhere in Time.

William Bramly (Officer Krupke from West Side Story) plays the unscrupulous developer.

Carl Ballantine plays the first principal of the High School. He is best known as Gruber on McHale's Navy, but has made a career doing bad magic, and playing the fool.

The High School is supposedly Aloha High, allowing for some really cheesy luau themes and decorations. Commentators Heather and Lisa point out that there is no Aloha High School in California, but there is one in, get this, Beaverton Oregon. They repeated the city name twice to make sure we saw the beaver. The film was actually shot at Venice High School near LA. Heather and Lisa (not their real names or stage names) are Hollywood insiders, and also celebrities, although they are not contractually allowed to tell me what their celebrity names are. To fill in during slow moments, they accuse nearly every film made since 1976 of being influenced by this one, present Hassel-facts about male lead David Hasslehoff, and teach us cheerleader stuff like "spirit fingers" and spanky pants.

The plot is too silly to say much about, but I will give you one scene as an idea. Two of the girls are out hiking in the nude, and double-team a boy scout their own age, then continue their hike naked. They are stopped and frisked by a cop (looking for concealed weapons on their naked bodies, then their friends knock the cop out, and they all take off in the cop car.

IMDB readers give this 3.6 of 10. Were it not for the commentary, watching this film would be a chore. The choreography is a little odd, and even more so when Hasselhoff tries to dance, but his dancing is great compared to his basketball playing. The sound track includes nothing I recognized as music, and most scenes have a high ambient noise level. This is barely a C-, and would be lower were it not for the excellent transfer.

American Wedding (2003)

American Wedding is the third and last film in the American Pie series, showing the characters as they make the transition into adulthood.

They chose a good topic. There are three things I can remember clearest about my adolescence and young adulthood:

• Period 1. Senior year of high school was a hoot. It was about hanging with friends every minute. It was also scary, in a way, because I was about to leave town, to say farewell to my family and to people I had gone to school with for as long as twelve years. My friends were all in the same boat, either leaving town for college or leaving the country for military service. I knew that I would never see some of them again. The special bond of senior year is formed in the bright sunlight, but is made poignant by the dark clouds of separation appearing on the horizon.

• Period 2. Somewhere between high school graduation and college graduation, I began to realize that females could bring something positive to my life. Before that, women were essentially distractions from card games, politics, drinkin', reading, and sports. Oh, yeah, you needed 'em to get laid, but it would be nice if you didn't have to invest all the time required to do so, and I usually didn't, to tell you the truth. That all changed some time during this period. I realized that there might be times when someone might actually prefer talking to a woman to playing football or poker. Like everyone else, I finally fell in love.

• Period 3. There were a couple of years there, about five years after high school, when I seemed to be attending a wedding every weekend, including my own. After I got my B.A., I came back to my home town for two years before leaving forever. I taught some, acted some, went to grad school. All the people I knew in high school and college were getting married in that period, as were all the cousins with whom I had played in childhood. In virtually every case, the wedding marked an ending of some kind. My own wedding represented the fusion of my childhood with my student days, and the end of both. It was a massive affair, and it was the last time I would see my aunts and uncles and cousins and most of the school chums who showed up. Shortly afterward, I left town for good.

Those periods are special in most people's lives, and they are inevitably marked by an importance that seems greater and more evocative as the years pass. In retrospect, we all recognize how important those times were. At the time, we are simply living in the moment. In the "wedding cycle", we may even wish it didn't have to happen at all.

Each of these three periods provides the setting for one of the three American Pie films.

American Pie, as had so many "rite of passage" movies before it, used the senior year of high school as its setting, and reached deep beneath a farcical exterior to mine the emotional motherlode of our common recollections about those days. It doesn't matter which generation you belong to. You will probably find that American Pie stirs up some great memories.

In one important sense, American Pie 2 failed as a film. Oh, it was funny enough, but there was no deep emotional core from which to mine its storyline. Sure, Jim and Michelle each fell in love for the first time, and it was with each other, but there was nothing in the movie that reminded me of my first love. Their romance wasn't a real life thing, but a movie cliché - the guy falling in love with the woman who helps him pursue the sexy babe he originally has designs on. The ol' time-trusted Reverse Cyrano Gag. American Pie 2 didn't do such a good job with Period 2. The film had sentimental moments, but they seemed forced or cobbled into the comedy. Some guys hang out on the beach and throw a party at the end of summer. That movie was possibly just as funny as the first one, and I enjoyed it. But there was something missing. It was about the jokes, not about the characters.

American Pie 3: American Wedding returns to a very rich lode of "coming of age" memories. It manages to tap into the last period listed above, Period 3, the "wedding cycle". There is the uncomfortable process of melding two disparate families with different values. There are the stuffy and clueless relatives. There are the rowdy school friends who don't fit in with the respectable parents. There are all the wedding plans to be made and screwed up. There are raunchy bachelor parties to be held without either mom or the bride finding out about the precise activities involved. You know the drill.

In this case, the central conflict for Jim is that he wants to give Michelle the resplendent and sentimental wedding she has always dreamed about, but he knows this will not be possible if the plans include Steve Stifler, the insensitive, egotistical, horndog. Of course, Stifler sees the situation in his own way. When he finds out that his friends are planning to hold a wedding without him, he resolves to insert himself back into their plans. He has two parts to his scheme: (1) he gets himself placed in charge of the bachelor party. After all, everyone must concede, who is more qualified for this raunchy task than Stifler? (2) he pulls an Eddie Haskell, and puts on an insincere sensitive front for the benefit of Michelle's family, getting a wedding invitation through the back door, and eventually being entrusted with the wedding ring and Michelle's virginal younger sister.

Big mistake.

Of course, everything that Stifler touches turns to shit. In one case, that is literally true, when the Stifmeister allows Michelle's dogs to ingest the wedding ring. You see he had it in his pocket with the soft doggy treats and it got pressed in, and ...

If you think the set-up is disgusting, wait until you see what happens after the dogs ... um ... return the ring.

My favorite moment in the film comes when Jim calls a special meeting of the groomsmen before the wedding, thus interrupting Stifler's planned broom closet assignation with Michelle's sister. Jim delivers a speech in which he says, "I finally realized why I always seem to come through every predicament I get myself into, even though I'm always such a screw-up. It's because you guys are always there to cover my back. And I just wanna say ... (chokes on his own emotion) ... thanks." Stifler listens politely, waits until the moment is heaviest with emotion, then says "Thanks? Thanks? That's all this about? You interrupted what we were doing and called a special meeting just to say thanks?" Then he calls Jim a pussy or something, mumbles some curses under his breath, and runs off to his broom closet.

Unfortunately, Michelle's sister has been replaced with Jim's grandmother in the broom closet (don't ask) and it's dark in there and  - well, I guess you can figure out where the premise goes from there. As usual, the insensitive Stifler gets exactly what he deserves. The grandma probably gets far more than she deserves, but it sure restores a long-lost smile to her face, and that youthful glow to her complexion. This, of course, puts Stifler one generation up on Finch, the friend who slept with Stifler's mom. Stifler is not just a mofo, but a gramofo.

As in the other films, the friends may have their differences, but they are still friends and come through for one another when needed - even Stifler. Especially Stifler!

Have you noticed yet that this film is not really about Jim's wedding at all? Not only does it derail Jim, but it also shunts Jim's dad (the scene-stealing Eugene Levy) onto a siding, and gives Alison Hannigan and Fred Willard (as Michelle and her dad) absolutely no material to match their considerable comic gifts. This movie is about Steve Stifler.

Yes, this movie is funny. Of course, as people with no sense of humor will tell you, humor is subjective. People do laugh at different things, and for different reasons. There is the laughter of surprise, and the laughter of agreement. Some people will only laugh at the unfamiliar and original, and some will only laugh at the familiar things which they have heard before and which reinforce their world-view. Impossible as it is for a sane man to believe, there are people who think Mr Bean is funnier than The Simpsons, and who think Scooby-Doo is a laugh sensation. So all I can tell you is I thought it was funny. For the record, here are some things I find funny and unfunny, so you will be able to gauge the subjective element.

 

	Very Funny	Kinda Funny	Not Funny
Pairs of Allens	Woody and Steve	Fred and Tim	Krista and Marty
Pairs of Marxes	Groucho and Chico	Harpo and Gummo	Zeppo and Karl

So it was funny, at least by my standard, but to tell you the truth, there wasn't much that was original or very creative, and it was Tim Allen funny, not Steve Allen funny. It was mostly "formula comedy" - set Stifler on the top of the world, then let him fall into the grossest humiliation possible. Make him eat feces, have sex with an ancient woman, find out his dream girl has a penis, etc. It's generally pretty obvious stuff, and all of it a riff on his cum-drinking in American Pie, but it's so over-the-top and so well performed as to make you laugh in spite of yourself, even if you aren't in the targeted age bracket  (very young, despite the R rating).

If you are an American under 18, this is likely to be a favorite of the summer.

 

age	IMDB score
below 18	8.4
18-29	7.1
30-45s	6.4
over 45	6.8
USA	7.4
outside USA	5.7

But the film probably should be called American Pie 3: Scared Stifler.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

There is no question that Stifler has now joined the pantheon of classic youthploitation characters. Jeff Spicoli, Frank the Tank, Lane Meyer, Ferris Bueller, and Bluto Blutarsky, meet Steve Stifler. Actor Seann William Scott gets all of the credit, for taking a character which was of miniscule importance in the first film and building him into such a popular figure that they wrote the third film as a starring vehicle for him.

Indeed, if you think about it, Stifler is the Rick Blaine (Bogart's role in Casablanca) of his own generation. Times have changed, there is no WW2 dominating the world, and Stifler is a young man, not a world-weary seen-it-all cynic. But if you make all the proper epochal adjustments, they are alike. Both have a hard-boiled, insensitive exterior, but underneath ... well, Rick gave the letters of transit to the innocent young bride so she wouldn't have to sleep with Louis. Stifler taught Jim how to dance the waltz, managed all the last-minute floral arrangements, and won a dance-off in a gay bar to get Michelle's wedding gown. When you really get down to it, the guy who was to avoid ideology ended up an idealist, and the guy to be cut out of the wedding ended up creating the entire ceremony in his own image.

As well it should have been.

The difference if that if you tried to thank Rick, he'd brush it off and change the subject. If you tried to thank Stifler, he'd call you a pussy.

Stifler, u da man, buddy. U da man.

 

	American Pie	American Pie 2	American Pie 3
IMDB	6.9	6.4	7.2
Rotten Tomatoes	61%	49%	57%
Metacritic	58	46	42
Yahoo	B	B-	C
Yahoo voters	A-	A-	A-
Roger Ebert (/four)	3	3	3
James Berardinelli (/four)	3	2	2.5

• Nikki Ziering (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Amanda Swisten (1, 2, 3, 4)

Updates:

• Updated volumes: Ione Skye

 

OTHER CRAP:

• New York Post says NY restaurant and bars business is down 20-50%, while businesses in border states are booming.
• Great photo: the Sears Tower struck by lightning
• And then there were two. Imdb's bottom 100 films now has two films worse than Manos. Hint: Affleck
• The National Enquirer challenges Ben Affleck to take lie detector test on the stripper incident!

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Julianne Moore, far off triple B exposure in scenes from "The Big Lebowski" (1998).

• Lee Remick, pokies and partial breast views from "No Way to Treat a Lady" (1968).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Today it's a "Babe in "Bondage" day....

From 1966's 'Mondo Bizarro", we have an unknown actress in a scene of interrogation and whipping. Our pretty victim winds up stripped to her panties.

• Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

"Better Than Sex"

This 2000 romantic comedy from Australia is somewhat cute but also often boring, and pretty much a re-do of many that came before.

A one-night stand turns into a three-day stand, with the couple confronting the possibility that love may be blooming. Yeah, you've been there before.

Incidentially, no, I didn't screw up the caps Susie Porter really DOES have all those freckles.

• Susie Porter

"The Troublemaker"
Going back to the 60s, we have some very nice B & W caps of China Lee in The Troublemaker.

• China Lee (1, 2)

"Cattle Annie and Little Britches"
There's some good see-through topless views of Amanda Plummer when she takes a swim in Cattle Annie and Little Britches. Diane Lane also looks good.

• Amanda Plummer (1, 2)
• Diane Lane

"Edward Scissorhands"
There's lots of cleavage by Kathy Baker in Edward Scissorhands and Winona Ryder provides some eye candy.

• Kathy Baker (1, 2)
• Winona Ryder

"The Last Great Wilderness"
Victoria Smurfit is naked in The Last Great Wilderness and Louise Irwin does the old sex with her clothes on trick.

• Victoria Smurfit (1, 2)
• Louise Irwinv (1, 2)

"Can't Buy Me Love"
There's a girls changing room scene that shows some interesting shots but the most we see are pokies by Tina Caspary. Lots of good caps of Darcy DeMoss, Amanda Peterson

• Tina Caspary (1, 2)
• Darcy DeMoss (1, 2, 3)
• Amanda Peterson (1, 2)
• unknowns

"Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
A teen classic, there's no nudity in Ferris Bueller's Day Off but Mia Sara looks superb as she gets out of a spa.

• Mia Sara

"Boss of Bosses"
Another wet scene is in Boss of Bosses where Angela Averado Rosa comes out of a swimming pool.

• Angela Averado Rosa

"For Keeps?"
Molly Ringwald checks for signs of pregnancy in For Keeps?

• Molly Ringwald

"Eddie Macon's Run"
A good clevage shot of Lee Purcell in Eddie Macon's Run.

• Lee Purcell

"The Law of Enclosures"
Some good exposure by Deb Patterson and Sarah Polley in The Law of Enclosures. pokies by Nikki Fritz and Jasmine Guy.

• Deb Patterson
• Sarah Polley (1, 2)
• Nikki Fritz
• Jasmine Guy

"Diamond Men"
More good exposure in Diamond Men by Shannah Laumeister and Kristen Minter

• Shannah Laumeister
• Kristen Minter (1, 2)

"Desperate Characters"
Shirley MacLaine goes naked in Desperate Characters with nearly everything showing.

• Shirley MacLaine (1, 2, 3,

"S. I. S. - Extreme Justice"
D'oh! I missed these 'caps yesterday...Pokies by Sonia Lopez who plays a rape victim.

• Sonia Lopez (1, 2)

The top photo found at the link below is scarier than anything I've seen in the previews of "Freddy Vs Jason."

Keith Richards admits sampling drugs thrown on to stage