Alexander (2004)

• Here is the complete Rosario Dawson nude scene in the original theatrical version. It is 3:21 long, includes the original dialogue, and is about a 13 meg download. (Zipped .wmv)
• Here is the version on the "director's cut." It is about 2:05 long, includes Oliver Stone's commentary, and is about a 15 meg download. (Zipped .wmv)

Legion of the Dead (2005)

I think I can state without any equivocation that this version is the best of all the Legion of the Dead films in this millennium, even though this marks the second time in four years that I've reviewed a film with this title! Of course, it would have been nearly impossible to make a worse movie than the 2000 film which bears this moniker. That earlier film is burdened by incompetence, failed humor, and pretension - a lethal combo. The newer film is just another goofy grade-B film, billed as follows: "When the mummified remains of an evil Egyptian queen are brought back to life, she resurrects an army of living dead to help fulfill the prophecy that promises her all the powers of the Underworld."

It's not exactly what you're expecting. Erase those visions of pyramids from your mind.

Their budget limitations didn't really permit them to set up some filming in Egypt or, for that matter, in any location designed to pass for Egypt. The archeologists in this film found the ancient Egyptian tomb in Whittier, California. This would make the evil queen the second most evil being to come out of Whittier, which was once home to Richard M. Nixon. At any rate, the Senior Egyptologist is absolutely convinced that the tomb is authentic, because "preliminary electro-carbon analysis dates the tomb at 2654 B.C."  He does not merely claim something indefinite like "some twenty centuries before Christ", but he can pinpoint it to March 21st, 2654 B.C., at 11:03 A.M., Pacific Time. Or maybe it was 10:03. Scientists have made incredible progress with those electro-carbon dating thingies, but are still not sure whether the ancient California Egyptians used daylight savings time.

Rather than being surprised by the apparently illogical existence of an Egyptian tomb in a California forest, the Egyptologist explains that it is a positive confirmation of his theory that the Egyptians had developed "trans-Atlantic trade routes" because "there are just too many similarities between the Egyptians and the Incas." He doesn't seem to be worried that both California and Peru are on the Pacific Ocean. Let's face it, if those Egyptians could mummify bodies in ways that still defy modern science, they could easily sail around Cape Horn.

One of the mummies in the tomb seems to be a queen, and ... well, I suppose you can figure out the rest. There are two things worth noting the rest of the way:

1) When the evil queen comes to life, she rips off her wrapping, is naked underneath, and stays naked for much of the movie.

2) The evil queen seems to be speaking an unknown language, but this presents no problem. A nearby female grad student addresses her in several high school language phrases: "Parlez vous Francais, mon petite momie?", "Koennen Sie Deutsch, frau Mumie, und haben Sie Ihre Papiere, bitte?" Finally, the grad student tries some indecipherable babble and the mummy responds in some comparable gibberish, and the two gals commence to dishing the dirt like college sophomores coming back to school from summer in the Hamptons. I mean they're high-fivin', and callin' each other "girlfriend," and swapping tips on contraception. The grad student says to her professor, "This is unbelievable! She is speaking a language which has been dead for 3000 years." I was thinking to myself, "That's not so unbelievable. In fact I kinda expected it from a woman who died on March 21, 2654 B.C. What I didn't expect is a grad student who knows how to pronounce the words in that language."

The DVD box proudly announces this as "a Paul Bales film," as if that were a major key to pumping up the sales. I pictured the legions of the living, the genre fans who just can't get their fill of Balesmania, all of them about to by-pass this title at Blockbuster until the name "Paul Bales" catches their eyes. "A Paul Bales film? Wow. You bet I'll rent it!" As it turns out, my theory seems to have been a bit cockeyed, since this is the only Paul Bales film, so I think I may have been wrong about the army of Bales addicts renting this title because of the powerful allure of the hypnotic Bales name.

As it turns out, another name on the box did catch my eye. Bruce Boxleitner - ol' Tron himself, and a regular on Bab 5 - appears as a local sheriff. I can't say he'll be bragging about this addition to his resumé, but he did provide a sort of calming, credible presence in this otherwise inexperienced cast.

Oh, let's face it, this isn't a classic movie, but I enjoyed the naked mummy, I laughed at the silliness of it all, and I liked some of the minor characters, like the two stoners who discovered the tomb, so you might get some entertainment out of this flick. The film doesn't take itself seriously, and I genuinely enjoyed watching the thirteen minute featurette about making the movie. The people who worked on the film all seemed to be unpretentious young people having a good time in a silly movie. If you belong to my imaginary army of Paul Bales fans, you can even settle back and listen to his full-length commentary. And the film itself is presented in a pretty decent widescreen anamorphic rendering! That's a lot of features for a small film.

Claudia Lynx

The Tulse Luper Suitcases: Part 1 (2003)

I will talk about this complicated project at another time. (When completed, it will include books, CDs, 92 DVDs, and god knows what else, and you can safely speculate that every single one of them will be dense.) It's Peter Greenaway's attempt to summarize and comment on the 20th century by creating his own alternate version of it.

The important point for now is the nudity from Caroline Dhavernas, the cute Canadian actress who came "this close" to being a star, when her series (Wonderfalls) was a major critical smash. Unfortunately, all that love did not translate to ratings, and Caroline is still unknown.

Although she is now 27 years old, she looks younger and specializes in playing ingenue parts. I'll tell you this - she is certainly not afraid of nudity. She is either topless or stark naked in scene after scene of this ... er ... movie, and she looks great. Natural breasts, soft femininity, unshaved pubes, no tattoos. My God, I almost didn't recognize it - I believe this phenomenon is known as a real naked women. Since Winslet seems to have stopped flashing, I had about despaired of ever seeing one on screen again!

Caroline Dhavernas

Today is a grab bag of assorted caps from several movies.

First up is Elizabeth Hurley with some cleavage in "Method".
Next we have a trio of Scream Queens in "Nightmare Sisters". Michelle Bauer, Linnea Quigley and Brinke Stevens all show  breasts and if you look real close a glimpse of bush from Michelle. This is a really bad movie with bad DVD quality.
Next up is Kelly McGillis with some leg & pokies from "No One Can Hear You".
From the same movie Kate Elliot in a really short skirt & boots.  Then she becomes a fully clothed "Babe in Bondage".
.Finally we have Heather Locklear from "Return of the Swamp Thing" in a shorty nightie as a "Babe in Bondage".

JEN SPEAKS OUT ON BRAD
With Friends Like Her... - In her first post-break-up interview, Jennifer Aniston told Vanity Fair that she's doing okay but was shocked and hurt when Brad Pitt posed with Angelina Jolie for intimate photos that portrayed them as a couple with kids.  She said Pitt is "missing a sensitivity chip."  She also revealed that he once brought Jolie to the set of "Friends," and Jen told her, "Brad is so excited about working with you.  I hope you guys have a really good time."

*  So Brad was just trying to fulfill her hopes!  What a sweet guy!


Jennifer said she does hope to be married and have kids within five years, saying, "There's an amazing man that's wandering the streets right now who's the father of my children."

*  Unfortunately, he's wandering the street outside Angelina Jolie's house.



KIM JONG-IL: GREATEST GUY EVER!
According to an article posted Tuesday on an official North Korean website, dictator Kim Jong-Il starts each day with intensive memory training, and he knows the computer codes and phone numbers of all North Korean workers.  He also visited a cemetery, glanced once at the tombstones, and memorized all the information on them.  But this isn't so amazing compared to his other accomplishments: flying jet fighters, producing movies, composing operas and shooting 11 holes-in-one in his first-ever golf game.

*  And of course, writing all the articles that appear on North Korean websites.
*  Actually, it was 18 holes-in-one, but he didn't want to brag.
*  He remembered all the tombstones because he'd personally killed everybody there.
*  It's also not so amazing when you consider that only three North Koreans have phones or computers...or jobs.


U.S. SOLDIER BUYS SADDAM'S CAR
First Sergeant William von Zehle of Danbury, Connecticut, has the ultimate pimped-out ride.  While in Baghdad, he paid $5,000 for an armored Mercedes 560.  Only three were sold to the Iraqi government in 1988, which means he has Saddam Hussein's car.  He shipped it home where it's in the garage awaiting some work.  But he got a great deal: the bulletproof glass alone cost over $14,000, and it even has
flame-throwers mounted on the sides for "crowd control."

*  Or as Saddam called it, "entertainment."
*  Those'll really come in handy during traffic jams...And I bet he'll get much better service now from carhops.
*  It's like the Batmobile, if Batman really were bats.

 

"PENIS" PLAY A HIT
Israeli playwright Rafael Milo-Amar has scored a hit in Jerusalem with his one-man show that's a response to "The Vagina Monologues."  It's called "The Holy Phallus."  Milo-Amar said Eve Ensler said "there was nothing to say about the penis.  I told myself, 'I have something to tell her about the penis.'"  It was hard to cast until he found bald actor Yuval Cohen, who dresses as a big penis and expounds on
passion, loneliness, rape, handicaps and homosexuality.  Cohen told the Jerusalem Post, "At the end of shows people come and tell me, 'Wow what a great penis you are.' I take that as a compliment now."

*  It's not like when they used to say that, before he got into this show.
*  It's kind of a dull show: the penis gets all excited, spouts off for two minutes, then goes to sleep for three hours.



NEW HOTEL BOASTS TINIEST ROOMS IN EUROPE
Inspired by budget Japanese hotel rooms, the founder of EasyJet has opened the first easyHotel in London.  It brags that it has the smallest rooms in Europe.  They have no windows, and the Guardian newspaper measured the smallest room at 49 square feet, plus a bath "pod" with a shower, sink and toilet jammed into just 14 square feet.  But a nearby hotel owner who was concerned about the competition was surprised to learn the tiny, no-frills rooms will cost about $60 (US) a night.  He offers rooms with satellite TV, breakfast and windows for that.

*  Yeah, but at easyHotel, that's $60 for double occupancy.



PAYING FINE IN PENNIES BACKFIRES
The Fargo, North Dakota, Forum reports that Robert John Zukowski was angry about getting a $120 traffic ticket, so to make a statement, he brought a bag of 12,000 pennies to court to pay it.  But the judge said he shouldn't take out his anger at the cop on court workers and ordered him to stay in court until they were all counted.  On the plus side, he'd overpaid and got a few pennies back.

*  On the minus side, his meter had long since run out, and now he owes a huge parking fine.


WASHING MACHINE SCULPTURE SPARKS RELIGIOUS FIGHT
Artist Grant Alma Wolsey is accusing Provo, Utah, of religious persecution for ordering him to dismantle his 20-foot-tall T-shaped stack of fused yellow Maytag washing machines.  He says it stands for the Christian Trinity - God the father, the son and the mother.  The city says only four small bolts hold it to the ground, and a stiff wind could bring it down on someone's head.  Wolsey laid it on its side but won't dismantle it.  He says the city desecrated his tribute to "heavenly mother;" he and his friends have gathered around it to light candles, sing hymns, pray and mourn.

*  And be cleansed of their sins.


JESSICA SIMPSON'S LETHAL STUPIDITY
Jessica Simpson told David Letterman that while filming the "Dukes Of Hazzard" movie, she mistook a guy on the set for a stunt man and tried to smash a pool cue over his head.  She said, "I was like: 'Oh gosh, this is the last shot!  I have to break it!' so I ended up, like, losing my mind.  I just started attacking him and he had welts all over his back...It finally broke.  I kept hitting him until it did."

*  And now, Willie Nelson refuses to speak to her.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

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