I Know Who Killed Me

OK, we're all sick of Lindsay Lohan, but this clip is from her new film, currently playing in theaters.

It has frequently been repeated that she played a stripper in this film, but that's not precisely correct, since this is a three-minute dance number in which she remains dressed as she began, so I guess we should properly call her an "exotic dancer" instead. Or perhaps she is a Mormon stripper, and this is as close as they get to the wild side unless they sneak a decaffeinated coffee!

If you have been paying attention you know that this film is supposed to be a thriller. Given that, you should probably have some reservations about the sense of pacing of any director who interrupts the flow of a thriller with a three minute dance number in real time. Not only does that mean that the film doesn't advance for three minutes, but even the strip doesn't include its own normal forward progress, which would be actual clothing removal.

I would normally accuse the director of ruining the script, but given this script, Orson Fucking Welles couldn't have made a watchable movie. Imagine a grade-B torture porn version of a David Lynch film and you get the general idea. 6% at Rotten Tomatoes, and a perfect 0% from the top critics.

Weep for the career of poor Julia Ormond, who once co-starred with people like Brad Pitt and is now playing third-fiddle to the likes of Lohan.

The linked film clip is not especially good quality but, hey, it's three minutes of Lohan dancing in a skimpy bikini-like outfit, so ...

 

Yellow

(2006)

Yellow is billed as a film intended to show off its star and producer, Roselyn Sanchez, specifically her looks, dancing and acting ability. Before I get around to plot and production value, let's look at how well the film does against its stated goals. As for her looks, the way to show that would have been tasteful nudity in good light. Sanchez worked very hard toning up for the role, and she does look good, what we can see of her, but both nude scenes are dark. Strike one. None of the dancing scenes were long enough to judge her ability, and she was shot from the waist up during many of them. Strike two. As for her acting, she failed to show any dynamic range at all in what should have been a very emotional role. Strike three.

The treatment would read fine, if a little trite. Amaryllis is the daughter of a dancer, and has always dreamed of becoming one. When her father becomes disabled, she has to work doing pizza delivery, while her mother drinks and fools around with a man. When Popi blows his brains out, she heads for New York, fame and fortune, and the dance career she always wanted. Once there, she finds that Puerto Ricans can't even get jobs doing pizza delivery. She ends up stripping, but breaks a glass tank and cuts herself. It is then that she meets a doctor, and the two hit it off. Then she gets her big audition for a Broadway show, and must choose between the audition and the doctor.

Sure, it is trite, but workable.

So why didn't it work? First of all, major plot points and entire sub-plots were removed from the film, stranding some characters, and not explaining the actions of others. Second, the cutting included way too many jump cuts, MTV style. Third, the curve of excitement was missing, just as Sanchez' dynamic range was absent. There's nothing wrong with the cinematography, but the editing is abysmal.

IMDb readers say 3.4, with 2.0 from the top 100 voters. They are being kind. This is an absolute train wreck of a movie.

 

D

Scoop's note: we were unanimous on this one. Vejiita, Dann and I also found the film to be very weak.

Raw Nerve

More classic screen nudity today. This has to be Nicollette Sheridan's shining hour as far as nudity goes.

 

 

9/Tenths

(2007)

Some weeks ago a TV show called "Burn Notice" started, and I saw a girl who looked familiar. It turned out to be Gabrielle Anwar, who I haven't seen anywhere lately, using a horrible Russian accent that was wisely thrown out of the series in episode two.

Then I found this movie 9/Tenths and saw she was in it. You know the kind of movie where a couple is left isolated with another man and the woman always ends up doing it, for some reason or another, with that man? Well someone made another one just like that. The movie is not good to begin with and when the action finally starts it ends -  just like that - in the middle of a scene. It gives one the impression that the director ran out of money and couldn't continue.

So, unless you are a BIG fan of Gabrielle do not watch this piece of garbage.

Scoop's note: here's a film clip to go with the captures. Not sure who did it.

Gabrielle Anwar