Monday

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To see and use all the Funhouse features, you need Netscape 6.+ or MSIE 5.+.

• Netscape 6.2.2 is available free for download or on CD.
• MSIE 6.0 is available free.

Parasite (1982) is a grade Z horror film. It is the future, and the world is poor and screwed up for some reason that is never explained. The "Merchants" control most everything. Paper money is worthless, and only silver and barter are used. Food is scarce. Most people live in the city and work as near slaves for the Merchants, however, some people still live with some measure of freedom in small towns. Robert Glaudini stars as a Parasitologist working for the Merchants on a new parasite. When he realizes they are up to no good with it, he escapes with a sample, one he is infected with, and destroys all the others. He arrives in Joshua, and has two problems. First, he has to figure out how to kill the one he is infected with, and two, a Merchant is after him to get the parasite back.

Several evil townspeople are killed by the parasite, and Demi Moore, in what they call her first staring role, is one of the few good people, and helps Glaudini. Moore doesn't get even close to naked, but I included one image as it is an early role, and pre breast enhancement. The nudity comes from Cheryl Smith in a completely gratuitous and unnecessary scene. Glaudini stops at some settlement, and finds two men with Smith tied to a grill and topless, and decides to rescue her. Turns out, she is into the game, and attacks Glaudini. BadMovies.org found much to make fun of, and IMDB readers have this at 3.3 out of 10. The transfer is very noisy. Interiors are way too dark, and outside shots are too light. This is a D+, including bonus points for bad movie appeal.

Inspired by some tremendous new contributions from Tuna in the past days, there are new volumes for Rae Dawn Chong, Beverly D'Angelo, Pascale Bussieres, Karen Allen, Nancy Allen, and Portia de Rossi.

• D'Angelo did her first topless scenes in 1977, her most recent ones in 2001. After a quarter century of nudity, she really doesn't look that much different.
• Rae Dawn is not that far behind in nude longevity; has offered up some flesh from 1981-1998.
• Portia (Mandy Rogers) doesn't strip that often, but when she does, she takes it all off.
• Pascale is a bilingual hosette from Quebec with a pretty nice little track record on the nudity front - 7 films before her 32nd birthday, including three in the year 2000.
• The two Allens have more in common than the obvious connection of being two 70s-80s stars with the same last name. Both are about ten years older than you think because they played below their age. Karen started out playing a college kid in Animal House in 1978, although she was nearly 27 at the time. Nancy was a 26 year old high school student in Carrie in 1976. They are now both in their 50's. Nancy's frontal nudity in Carrie is not visible in the widescreen print on the DVD, but is seen in the full-frame VHS print. Karen's best nude scene, Until September is still not on DVD, darn it all.

Other crap

• A guide to cartoon cereal spokesmen. Never let it be said that we never feature anything important for mankind.
• Pictures from Nudestock. Zillions of naked chicks (and dudes)
• One of the disadvantages of illiteracy - President Bush urges the world to stop himself! He asked  the international community to "stop terrorist killers". The world's leading "terrorist killer" (i.e., killer of terrorists) is, of course, George W. Bush.
• Bush announces that his secret surprise attack on Iraq will happen on January 14th at 7PM Baghdad time, involving 273 planes and 4511 tanks launched from his top secret base in Salabad, Turkey, which can be found by taking Turhan Road about 72 miles southeast from the last Shell station, then hanging a sharp right through the secret false mountain. Don't worry, you'll be able to tell which mountain is the false one. It's the one marked "secret false mountain entrance". Story here.
• More on Bill Clinton's future career as an Israeli soldier. A real war hero, albeit a chubby one. Sergeant Pork. Turns out the Israelis don't have any uniforms big enough, so Clinton is going to become a WWF bad guy instead.
• Redneck heaven Branson, Missouri features the Yakov Smirnoff theater. This story and the pictures are, to use a word often misused and overused, "unreal". That Yakov is one good ol' country boy. "Hokey-dokey, that's a beeg 10-4, good meester!"
• Great game - whoose boobs?
• Federal judge says the administration can't just say they don't have to reveal any documents from the Cheney task force because of "executive privilege", but will actually have to offer a legal reason. So far, Cheney's defense of executive privilege is based on the fact that he doesn't have to tell us anything he doesn't want to tell us. In other words, the legal argument is that the executive can hold secret meetings, keep everything hidden from everyone, and they don't have to have tell anyone their reason for keeping everything secret. Apparently Cheney has himself confused with Stalin. I can understand that. Neither of them ever had a pair of pants that fit, and they both died in the 1950's. A better argument from the White House would be "Cheney can't turn over any documents because he is dead. In fact, he died before those meetings ever occurred, so he wasn't even there. In fact, Clinton actually chaired those meetings, and is Ken Lay's gay lover - ask him instead!"

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

"Alley Cat" (1982) is one-woman vigilante movie starring Karen Mani as a woman bent on revenge. The movie comes complete with a communal prison shower scene with strong lesbian overtones.

• Karen Mani: full frontal in regular shower and then long lingering topless scene in prison shower.

• Moriah Shannon: full frontal in prison shower with Karen Mani.

• Britt Helfer: excellent topless as hooker with pubes visible through shear panties.

• Marla Stone: full frontal in semi-dark room.

• Unknown: topless, butt and gyno-flash.

"Natural Enemies" (1979) is a psychological drama where Hal Holbrook has a sexual encounter with five prostitutes. Two pictures as follows:

• Group shot of five hookers played left to right by the following actresses (warning, that's Hal Holbrook bare butt in the foreground): Claire Reilly (Black, nude but showing nothing), June Berry (redhead, breasts), Michele O'Brien (brunette, breasts and bush), Patricia Mauceri (raven-haired, breasts) and Alisha Fontaine (blonde, breasts, partial bush).

  Only Claire Reilly is a one-timer and Patricia Mauceri is still acting as recently as last year.

• Louise Fletcher: it must be cold outside as she has a serious case of pokies underneath her sweater.

Second to the last day for Midnight Tease 2. Four babes, one new... saving the last Kimberly Kelley collages for another day, whence PETScan will add his own contribution to Ms. Kelley's exposure stuff.

So who is starring and stripping today? First up is Erin Ashley, in a scene that pretty well defines this movie. Oh, you can make an argument for the other babes gettin' all nekkid and stuff, because they are members of the plot, who will either meet their fates at the hands of the killer, will appear to be likely suspects or will exact revenge in the end. But Erin? Nope. Doesn't speak a word, doesn't advance the plot one nanometer, shows up only to strip in a couple other scenes and toward the end of the movie spends 'bout five minutes of screen time stripping for one customer. THAT kind of sensibility to what a guy gets this kind of movie for makes it a better than decent buy. Must have grabbed sevently frames from this scene, and then winnowed things to a number that would fit in seven collages. Erin shows off her impressive little body: boobs in all, bum in the first and last.

• Erin Ashley (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Returning for the second or third time are Griffin Drew (robo-hooters in all three, nice bum in first and last), Julie K. Smith (boobs in first and last... close ups in the last... and boobs and bum in the second), and Tammy Parks, boobs only.

• Griffin Drew (1, 2, 3)
• Julie K. Smith (1, 2, 3)
• Tammy Parks (1, 2)

Also...Saturday's Funhouse was el primo, 'specially for those of us who like Heffers of the silver screen. Here I two I.D.s worth mentioning:

1) the woman in Body and Soul who is sport-humpin' Leon Isaac Kennedy all on her lonesome (Senior labeled her "unknown")... well, that's former Heffer Rosanne Katon.

2) the woman labeled as Jean Manson in Nicnac's caps of "10 to Midnight" is not really Jean... I think. Jean Manson was a former Heffer, herself, and is credited by IMDB as releasing the first female country and western album... in French. French???!!! Must have included a duet with Jerry Lewis. Anyway, Jean played a character named Margo, who was a college student, and kept her clothes on. The hooker in the capped scene is played by Cynthia Reams. At least that's how I labeled a miserable set of caps I collected from this film. Nicnac and his vidcap card are much better than me and mine. Oh, and the movie itself has the youthful and beautiful Lisa Eilbacher and Kelly Preston in it, showing nuttin' at all, and the exquisite Jeana Tomasino, former Heffer, in very nice teddy. A Golan and Globus spectacular in which Charles Bronson takes the law into his own hands and blows away the bad guy even he is unarmed and unclothed. Last scene of the movie. Sort of a cross between Death Wish and Dirty Harry.

A real quickie today, no nudity just cute as a button Kim Oja all tied up as my "Babe in Bondage" on "Son of the Beach". This the second time that I know of that she has done a scene like this.

• Kim Oja (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Today's biggest news in Sweden... Sofia Eriksson strips down at gay festival!

We are probably quite a few Swedes that had waited for years for this to happen. We finally got to see one of the most popular TV hosts of the country topless as she hosted the final event of the Swedish gay festival Pride 2002 in Stockholm. Sofia Eriksson, not gay herself, but a proud 36 years old mother of one Kid (that is actually the boy's name) appeared in a see-through shirt and spontaneously decided to take it off in front of 1000 of people.

The tabloids had their photopgraphers there and Aftonbladet decided to put the pictures on their front cover. The result: a best selling paper, had to visit three stores before I could find a copy and there were only two left there as well... This is interesting because it does show that people in Sweden are a lot more interested in these things than they pretend to be. Hopefully, this is a start of a new trend where more celebs strip down in public...

I was just browsing through an issue of Entertainment Weekly. In a poll that compared Yoda fighting Mini-me, Jolene Blalock picked Mini-me because she had done a Bunny shoot with him. Do you any info, or have you seen images from that photo shoot?

-M

Jr's reply:

Since that certain magazine is completely off limits, this is the first I've heard of it. If anyone has any info, please email us.

Scoops,

As much as I hate to admit it, I was flipping through the channels on Friday, and stopped to watch Rosie. But only because she had Sheryl Crow on the show, and Crow was wearing a top that was VERY open. I could swear that there was a little nipplage showing. Could you ask if anyone managed to 'cap that.

-B