Royal Deceit (1994) is the Hamlet story, but supposedly from the original Danish legend. Hamlet is called Amled, but his uncle murdered his father the king and his older brother, stole the crown, and married his mother (Helen Mirren). Amled pretends to be mad after the ghost of his father fills him in on what happened, and gets him to swear revenge. You haven't lived till you've heard Christian Bale (as Amled) bark like a dog and crow like a rooster to convince everyone of his insanity. The king catches on that he is a threat, and sends him to a friend in England, with orders to kill him, but Amled is smarter than that.

This is like the nursery rhyme version of Hamlet. If Shakespeare started with this, then he was even more talented than I thought. TO further insult my intelligence, they have voice over explaining even very obvious things. The good news is the nudity. Mirren shows a flash of bush on her way to the sauna, and then breasts in the sauna. Saskia Wickham shows breasts in the sauna, then again after she seduces Amled, and then we see her buns in a dark hayloft sex scene. Several other women show breasts in the sauna scene.

IMDB readers have this at 4.8 of 10. The film seemed aimed at a ten year old level of understanding, indeed, it felt at times like a grade school pageant, so the nudity was incongruous. This is barely a C-.

Rowing With The Wind (1988)

 ... I can review that film in five words, Johnny.

 ... OK, contestant, "review that film"

Hugh Grant as Lord Byron

I don't think you need Roger Friggin' Ebert to tell you that's gotta suck Slurpee out of the Super Big Gulp cup.

This movie won the Goya for Best Director in 1988, so I have to believe that at least one of the following things must be true:

1. There was an epidemic of mass insanity in Spain in 1988, probably caused by LSD in the drinking water.

2. The cut from the 126 minute Spanish running length to the 95 minutes on the DVD must have destroyed any value this film had.

I discussed it here, in some depth, with pictures.

• Elizabeth Hurley (1, 2, 3)
• Lizzy McInnerney (1, 2)
• Emma Amos (1, 2)

More pics:

• Jennifer Coolidge (Stifler's Mom) at the premiere of American Wedding (1, 2, 3)
• These might or might not be Judi Dench in Langrishe go Down (1, 2, 3). I can't verify that these are what they are supposed to be. Maybe one of you can help out.
• For comparison, here is Dame Dench in Midsummer Night's Dream, ten years earlier (1, 2, 3). Since her breasts seem firmer in 1978 than 1968, I'm suspicious, but the Langrishe pictures definitely look like her.

OTHER CRAP:

• Loony pornographer and hopeful California governor Larry Flynt asks all Americans of all denominations to join him in a national day of prayer for the slow and painful death of Bill O'Reilly. At last, says God, a prayer worth thinking about.
• Vail Daily - Kobe Watch
• Mouseketeer turned diva exhibits a strange fashion sense
• In other Mouseketeer turned diva news...the clothes are about to come off! The Pop Princess is set to pose topless in British ELLE
• "Gigli was crap ... a fish’s tail on a donkey’s head." Whose words are those? A certain Mr Affleck.
• Playmate Dalene Kurtis (June 2001) free gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• More nostalgic toys: The WWF Superstars Molding Kit!
• Amazon.com: Books: Barney's Colors of Spring. You have to read the reader's tongue-in-butt-cheek review, which compares this book to "Barney and the Secret of the Dirty Sanchez", among other things.
• Broken Newz - Howard Dean Calls for Reinstatement of Saddam
• The Sun presents a lifesize picture of Kylie's butt.
• ex-CIA guy says Steven Seagal is nuttier than a fruitcake.
• Another bomb for Ben and Jen? Some advance screenings of Jersey Girl cause a buzz that it may be worse than Gigli. As Marv Albert would say , "Yessssssssssss!"
• You have to love women's beach volleyball.
• Mainstream Japanese scholars argue that the dropping of the two atomic bombs was necessary, and saved many lives in the long run. "The Japanese military ferociously resisted surrender even after two atomic bombings on major cities, even after Soviet entry into the war, even when it expected another atomic bomb — on Tokyo. " ... "We owe it to history to appreciate that the greatest tragedy of Hiroshima was not that so many people were incinerated in an instant, but that in a complex and brutal world, the alternatives were worse."
• TV Exec Dick Ebersol Pays $50K For Carly Simon's Secret that she wrote "You're so vain" about me. Why didn't he just ask me? I'd have told him for 25 bucks.
• J-lo ran up a $9000 bar tab, told several people she was single, then hit the dance floor for the rest of the night. She was not wearing the engagement ring". Trouble in paradise already, or post-Gigli depression?
• Judge Won't Bar Cameras from Bryant Hearing.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

"Spun"

Three days in the life of a Meth user and his speeded up friends. After a college drop-out gets involved with a Meth cooker, things just go into a frenzied, sleepless downward spiral.

This movie doesn't glamorize drug use, but from what I've read about the effects of Meth, it's apparently a pretty accurate portrayal. In any case, the movie is dark and disturbing, but also interesting. The acting is fantastic. All in all, a great movie

You'll see tons of caps of Chloe Hunter because she did full-frontal nudity, but Brittany Murphy looked very sexy in several scenes, although she did no nudity.

Charlotte Ayanna had a very small part, but she's so beautiful, and showing major pokers, so it would have been a shame not to cap her.

Be sure to get the unrated version of this movie. For the R-rated version, instead of cutting out a few seconds as they would normally do, they used blur boxes and black boxes to cut out the bad stuff....really annoying.

• Brittany Murphy
• Charlotte Ayanna
• Chloe Hunter

Note to studio execs...this movie may not really be the worst film ever made, but it is proof that there are only so many crappy movies you can dump on the public before they fight back!

Now that he no longer has to promote the movie, Affleck says the movie "...Didn't Work". Also stating:

"You work just as hard on a good movie as on a bad one. We tried to fix it. But it was like putting a fish's tail and a donkey's head."

Also from IMDb news:

Sony Cuts TV Ads for "Gigli"
Sony has been making hurried efforts to cut its losses from Gigli, pulling midweek ads from newspapers and asking TV stations and networks to substitute spots for Bad Boys II in place of those for the Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck bomb, the New York Daily News reported today (Monday). "They're making every effort to pull advertising," a network exec told the newspaper.

Assorted Triva:
The "Gigli" budget was $54 million, and almost half of that was for Ben and Jen.

Affleck's salary: $12.5 million
J-Lo's salary: $12 million.

Personally, I think the studio needs to cancel those checks.

CELEBRITY BABE SEXY PHOTO SUPPRESSION NEWS ROUND-UP
I'm A Serious Journalist! - After leaving Fox Sports Net's "Best Damn Sports Show Ever," sports babe Lisa Guerrero posed for sexy photos for FHM magazine. She didn't know she would then be hired as the sideline reporter for ABC's "Monday Night Football." Guerrero asked FHM to reshoot a more tasteful spread, saying that when she posed, she thought she was going to become an actress, not a reporter. But FHM refused. Their editor-in-chief told TV Guide, "Come on, she put on the lingerie."