Here on Earth is a teen romance that is sort of a cross between Pretty in Pink, and Love Story. A rich preppy takes a joyride into the neighboring town, picks a fight with the locals, and ends up in a car chase and wreck which burns up a gas station and the local dinner. The judge sentences him and the local driving the other car to work for free all summer with the crew that is rebuilding the dinner and gas station.

Leelee Sobieski is the daughter of the restaurant owner, long-time girlfriend of the local, and is instantly attracted to the preppy. The plot is trite and predictable, and the dialogue is not much better. The preppy matures, and Leelee falls for him. Without writing a spoiler, the film has a tragic ending. The purpose is to let teenage girls in the audience cry, and it probably does that. Leelee keeps her clothes on in this one, although she does show a lot of cleavage here and there. She does have good chemistry with co-star Chris Klein. I would not have bothered with this one except for two things. The art direction and DVD transfer are very nice, and produced some great images, and it is Leelee Sobieski. Leelee has incredible charisma again in this one, and shows great acting range, especially considering the weak material she had to work with. She lit up the screen in Eyes Wide Shut, and does it again here. I look forward to her landing a great role. I find her incredibly appealing. As she has three films in post production at the moment, it looks like we will be seeing a lot of her.

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Leelee Sobiesky (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

"Female Vampire" (1973)

Female Vampire was directed by Jess Franco (whom IMDB refers to as Jesus Franco), and released in several versions. There was an 81 minute general release with no nudity, a 91 minute with some nudity and less occult content, and the 101 minute directors cut, which is the one I watched. It has 30 minutes of explicit soft core footage cut from the released version. Think about that ... 30 minutes times 60 seconds times 60 frames a second equals 10,800 explicit frames, and I only used 44 of them. Who says I don't show restraint in the number of images I do? Countess Irina Karlstein, played by Franco favorite Lina Romay, has inherited her Vampireness because of a family curse. The film shows a succession of her human meals, both male and female, interspersed with men talking about the local murders. Lina is special, however ... she is not into biting necks. She prefers oral sex for both pleasure and food. Franco came up with a perfect solution for the fact that Lina can't act or deliver dialogue. He made her a mute, and keeps her naked or in a see-through white dress for the entire film so you wouldn't notice her acting. I am sure this also helped with the low budget, and made dubbing into English easier.

So, with nearly no plot and no acting, does this film have anything going for it? Yes, three things. First, the art direction and photography is good. Second, the score, written by Franco, is very nice. Third, it has a huge dose of the three Bs -- boobs, buns and bush. Yes, that's right folks, the nudity drought ends here. I feel this film is worth watching in the directors cut, but then I have come to appreciate EuroShock Cinema. Without the soft-core content and the abundant nudity, I wouldn't call it worth seeing. The DVD also includes the alternate scenes that make it an R film. In these, Lina does bite necks, and also gets a little bloody when she eats.

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Anna Matican (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12) Lina Romay (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27) Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4)

This movie was a highly awarded and much discussed black comedy from Paddy Cheyevsky, featuring a famous catch phrase. "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more"

If you like very literate, very witty speeches, then this is your movie. Its weakness is that the characters don't really talk to one another, they orate profoundly, quite unlike real people. So its like going to a very literate stage play from another epoch. I liked it, but I can forgive stagy films if they are deeply cynical, and this one is. We reviewed it before. Check the back issues.

Faye Dunaway (1, 2)

"Silkwood" (1983), from Johnny Web and TomCat

Have also discussed this one in the back issues. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then this movie must be playing at a roadside drive-in on Route 666. It's an earlier variation of "The Insider" theme, about real-life corporate whistle blower Karen Silkwood, who tried to rat out a nuclear power plant. Despite that promising premise and a real ending stranger than any fiction, this movie is duller than dishwater and really gets bogged down in her boring trailer park life. I've always been amazed that they felt it necessary to use Streep's horsepower for this role, which really offered her no challenge at all.

We can thank the filmmakers, however, for a rare look at a Streep nipple.

Meryl Streep

"After Sex" (1999)

This is like a bad sitcom, except without the humor. Imagine if the "Friends" cast were replaced by six similar strangers with no sense of humor, and you'd get this dreary comedy-drama about some women who go to Palm Springs for a swingin' weekend, and how their drunken revelry there reflects back on and changes their real lives back home.

Another one of those "Diner" movies where everyone gabs endlessly about how difficult relationships are, only this time treating the women's point of view in parallel.

Features Brooke Shields and others. Trite.

OK, I admit I rented it because it said "nudity", and it starred Virginia Madsen and Brooke Shields. Of course, as I should have known, the only nudity came from a nearly-anonymous lap dancer that the boys visit while the girls are in the desert.

Stormie Shelbie

"H.O.T.S" (1979)

Ah, the classics. Reserve a spot on your shelves next to "Grand Illusion" for this story of the girls who get rejected from the snooty sorority, then fix up an old dump and form their own unofficial "house" called H.O.T.S., where they have relaxed fun and good parties.

They get plenty of revenge on the small-minded dean and the snooty sorority. The film ends with a game of strip football against the snooty girls.

If the plot sounds like somebody pitched this as "female Animal House meets M.A.S.H.", well why not? If you're going to rip someone off, rip off the best in your genre. It's a classic in its own youthploitation fashion. And there's no shortage of nudity in this flick. Some interesting and diverse women, probably nobody you ever heard of, get naked while playing football, skydiving, playing catch with seals, getting spied on, getting attacked by pies thrown from helicopters, etc. Good mindless r-rated fun, and even a minor role for Danny Bonaduce.

Angela Aames (1, 2) Lindsay Bloom (1, 2, 3) Susan Kiger (1, 2, 3, 4) Lisa London Sandy Johnson K.C. Winkler (1, 2, 3, 4) Various group shots (1, 2, 3, 4)

Bonus Pics
More coverage of the Teen Choice Awards. Nice to see today's youth take so much pride in their appearance.
Keri Russell (1, 2, 3, 4)
Jessica Simpson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
Sarah Michelle Gellar (1, 2, 3)
Katherine Heigl (1, 2, 3)
Melissa Joan Hart

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."
2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
4. "I was working smarter, not harder."
5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
13. "The coffee machine is broke...."
14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. Next, I watch the Walton's."
18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."
20. "I thought you [boss] were gone for the day."

This and that
Why did God create woman?
-To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
-The swallow.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
-Phone her.

Why do women fake orgasms?
-Because they think men care.

What is the definition of "making love"?
-Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
-Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
-Oral sex makes your day, and anal sex makes your hole weak.

How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
-None; let the bitch cook in the dark.

Why does the bride always wear white?
-Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
-Nothing; she's been told twice already.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
-Made her chain too long.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
-Marry it!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
-A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1)Telegraph 2)Telephone 3)Telawoman

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
-Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
-They're both fun to ride, until your friends find out.

How is a woman like a condom?
-Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
-A man to show her how to work it.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
-They both begin with lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
-She knows she's given her last blow job.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
-A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
-After 10 years the job still sucks.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
-Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
-Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
-When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
-Put a nipple on it.

What kind of watch should a man buy his wife?
-None; there is a clock on the stove.

How are women like dog turds?
-The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

Why do women get those little lines (crows feet) around their eyes? (squint when answering)
-From saying, "You want me to suck what????"

Why did cavemen drag their wives by the hair?
-If you drag them by their feet,they fill up with dirt.

What's the difference between spit and swallow?
-Sixty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife/girlfriend is yelling for you to let her in the front door, which do you let in first?
-Your dog; at least he will shut up when you let him in.