Tuesday

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El Corazón del guerrero (2000), translated The Heart of the Warrior, is the best attempt I have seen to bring Dungeons and Dragons to the screen. Fernando Ramallo lives for his nightly D&D game, where he plays the character Beldar, a great warrior (played by Joel Joan). As the film opens, we are in a dungeon, seeing the fantasy persona, Beldar, and his true love, Sonja (Neus Asensi) in an adventure. The costumes, in some cases, came from the original Conan, and the action has similar humor to the Indiana Jones films. Cut to Ramillo's mother waking him from his fantasy dream. We learn that she is a single parent, and works second shift as a nurse, which explains why his fantasy life is more appealing to him than his real one. His best friend, who also plays in the D&D game, is more of an X Files junkie, mostly because he is hot for Scully.

Ramallo finds his real life Sonja, who like Quixote's Dulcinea is a hooker, and all of the other characters in his fantasy life are based on his real life activities. The problem is, he is having more and more trouble distinguishing reality and fantasy, and ends up purely in his fantasy mode, trying to break a curse. It is in this mode that, on a trip to the parliament (actually shot in parliament chambers), he throws a knife at the Young Democrat Party leader, and becomes wanted by the police. The more he is involved with the fantasy quest, the less we see from the persona.

Neus Asensi shows breasts, buns, and partial bush in several scenes, and wears a very brief leather costume in the warrior sequences. IMDB readers say 6.0 of 10. The film won several fantasy festival awards, and was nominated for two Goyas. I consider most films in this genre garbage, and enjoyed this one, so it is at least a C+.

There is a new volume for Ginger Lynn Allen. At the beginning of her career she was a porn star. In the middle for about 8-10 years she became a scream queen wannabe, and abandoned porno. Now she's back in porn again. We don't have much from her porno career, but there's enough to give you the general idea. During this period she made such laudable indie classics as  Let's Play Bologna Ride, Backdoor Summer, Cocksucking Summer, Cock-crazed Blondes, and my own personal favorite, The Whore of the Worlds. The recent critics' poll (Citizen Kane #1 of all time) ignored many of Ginger's movies, although Let's Play Bologna Ride did get an honorable mention based on a rumor that it was directed by John Sayles. If the rumor had specified Martin Scorcese, it would probably have edged out Citizen Kane.

There is also a new volume for Krista Allen, whose entire career seems to have existed in 1994 when she made about a zillion of those cheapo Emmanuelle movies. She did a couple of nude scenes in 1997, the best of which, Corman's Haunted Sea remake, has not yet found its way to DVD.

Other crap

• One of the stranger nude calendars you'll see
• There may be one newspaper greater even than The Sun. I am writing, of course, of Weekly World News. Today's highly responsible suggestion - tell kids that there really ARE monsters under their beds. No, really, it's been proven scientifically, and is being passed along for your protection by a Dr Joneston, who has already had six of his own children carried off to the bowels of hell. They also reported that the CIA is now using Voodoo to hunt bin Laden. Weekly World News was always on the edge of being a satirical newspaper, but they now seem to have crossed over completely, and are writing stories indistinguishable from the ones on The Onion. By the way, Arafat is gay.
• ExxonMobil Corp. has a greater economic value than at least 27 countries, says UN
• The next Shaq? - ball playin' 12 year old is 6'6", 300
• Charlie reports: Early reports from Locarno film festival indicate that Leelee Sobieski is naked in L'Idole - breast and butt side view. "There may be full view of her breast, but the comment isn't very clear. Scene is in the bathroom."
• This site automatically generates an excuse for you if you didn't do your homework
• Here's the letter send out by Fox news legal to the web site Bill O'Reilly Sucks. The lawyer objects to the use of O'Reilly's name for commercial purposes, but I'll be damned if I can see any commercial purpose to that site. It's just a site which thinks that O'Reilly sucks.
   

Dubya's corner

 

More actual quotes from our leader:

• I'd like to go down to South America. There is a complicating factor there. The Mexican presidential election is taking place, and I certainly don't want to get involved in that.
• We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, and we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.
• Over 50 percent of our energy comes from overseas. Fortunately, a lot of it comes from Canada.
• When one of us suffer, all of us suffers
• Do you have blacks, too?  -- (Question posed seriously to Brazilian President Fernando Henrique)

Scoop's top 11 Dubya-isms or fictional characters

• 11. Miss Underestimate
• 10. Miss Marple
• 9. Nuke Laloosh
• 8. Nuke Ular
• 7. Uni Brow
• 6. Uni Nalienable
• 5. C. Curitize
• 4. C. W. Briggs
• 3. Mal Reese
• 2. Mal Feeince
• 1. (Tie) Pooty-Poot and Squiddly-Diddly

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• James King, the model/actress wearing an extremely see-thru top in scenes from "Happy Campers".

• Maria Schieder, full frontal, and rear nudity from "Last Tango in Paris".

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

The last of the Kimberly Kelley caps from Midnight Tease 2. First two collages are breasts-only-while-sport-humping caps. The next four are her character's last dance on stage, with some nice on the floor, legs all spread out moves going on. Last collage is from a cat-fight scene at the end of the movie, with el primo uppies... good stuff, 'specially if that's your kind of thing.

• Kimberly Kelley (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Then PETScan kicks in with some scans from July '92 Guccione mag, showing Kimberly Kelley (posing under the name, Jasmine) with another babe named Laine. Six scans... first four have Laine getting real friendly with Kimberly/Jasmine... the last two have Kimberly returning the favor.

• Kimberly Kelley and Laine (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

A few more caps. Next batch from a classy horror movie, The Beast Within. In an early scene, Bibi Besch gets knocked cold, stripped and boffed by an ugly, hairy creature. Oh great...another Ron Jeremy movie. This was a terrific transfer, so I'm sending along two single frames of Bibi and a collage of the remaining frames that show her nice enough hooters. As you can see, Bibi is no B movie bim. Fact is, she played the mother of Jimmy Kirk's (that'd be Billy Bob Shatner's) son in the second Star Trek movie. That alone is worth a look, I figure.

• Bibi Besch (1, 2, 3)

Last couple of collages come from the Burt Lancaster western, Law Man. Two versions of this movie were shot and released. Better version has Sheree North showing off her hooters in a Burt-and-Sheree love scene. Johnny Web capped that version a while back. Only version I have ever found is the PG kind, in which Sheree does a reasonable job staying covered (if you compare the JW caps with the header of these collages you will see a sheet covering up the goodies in the present version, no sheet in JW's). BUT, Sheree was not entirely successful in keeping the nips from slipping and in the DVD I picked up at Blockbuster, those nips are apparent. First collage is mainly lead-up; second delivers the goodies. Not nearly so good as the R-rated clear shot, but beggars cannot be... Sheree North, by the by, is kinda famous for what she was supposed to be at one point. She was used by her studio in an attempt to intimidate Marilyn Monroe... as in, you better get your act together, Marilyn, 'cuz we have this other babe who can replace you in heartbeat.

• Sheree North (1, 2)

The boys in the shop were talking 'bout the online new Juggy Dancer contest. A fellow Funhouse reader had already identified Annie Sorrell as one of the Sorrell sisters, who had gotten all soapy and nekkid in Cruel Intentions 2. And the boys were wondering if any of the other candidates had shown off some vital body parts. So the boys got to work searching the web and our own little list of scans and caps... and did they ever hit pay dirt.

• Rowena Galem is a Filipina model, who does car shows and things of that sort. Lots of tease exposure, but nothing really nekkid that we could find. (1, 2)

• Athena Cansino is an actress who did a little bikini posing at the most recent Cannes film festival. She is also the great neice of Rita Hayworth. No exposure yet.

• Lots of exposure from Kitana Baker. Lots. Seems she is a popular nude web model. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• But Kitana doesn't hold a nekkid candle to Rachel Sterling... who I gather is one of two new Juggies. As Rachel Sterling, this young Latina has done a lot of lingerie work and modeling of that sort. But in her other guise, that of Angel Veil, she has been a stripper and a very active nude model in magazines a cut below the Hefmag and the Guccimag. Things like Cheri and Swank. Even had a triple girl-girl thingee with Janine and Jenna in Cheri a couple of years ago. Enclosed are a few samples of things scanned over the years. Terrific bod, no inhibitions. I like the direction the Manshow is taking. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Today, we take another look at Stephanee LaFleur in "Animal Attraction". Stephanee is quite an attractive lady in this somewhat of a takeoff on "It's A Wonderful Life". Stephanie bored with her sex life with her husband is transported to the beds of her husbands best friends and in the end realizes that she had the best man of the bunch in her husband. Really not a bad movie for this type of movie if your in for a night's worth of mindless entertainment. I think there is an unrated version but the DVD I have is R rated.

• Stephanee LaFleur, lingerie and robo-hooters. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

For good measure we throw in a "Babe in Bondage", Jessica Alba in "Paranoid", no skin but a nice pair of legs.Lousy movie and why is that modern day movies have all the good scenes shot in hardly no light at all. Guess that's why I like a lot of the older stuff.

• Jessica Alba (1, 2)