OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT:

Charlie got a copy of l'idole, and you know what that means, doncha kids? Leelee Sobieski stark nekkid.

Here are some international stars represented in Charlie's update:

• Leelee her ownself (1, 2)
• Nathalie Baye
• Clotilde Courau
• Zabou in an episode of Fantasy Island. Oh, wait. That was Tattoo. OK, Zabou is in some movie.

There are several more in his actual update - go to his section to see the ones which are not known so well internationally.

The Rose (1979) is finally being released on DVD. Director Mark Rydell was offered the project several years before, and decided Bette Midler was the only performer equal to the role. The studio had never heard of her and said no, so Rydell bowed out of the project. Several years later, the film had still not been made, and the studio had heard of Midler, so they reached an agreement. Originally, it was to be the life of Janis Joplin, but Rydell argued that it be a fictional blues/rock star with some of the same elements of Janis' life, because that gave him more freedom to create a story.

What he created was essentially a musical, and it is no wonder that the concert footage feels so authentic. They created a band, and put them in a studio with Midler to work out a show. When it came time to film, they filled a real venue with extras, and Rydell told them not to respond if Midler didn't impress them. She came out and did this concert to a live audience who had never heard of her, and, with 9 cameras for coverage, they shot the concert in one take. Midler had to actually win the audience, and did.

This is the story of the last few concerts from a rock superstar who has been driving herself too hard for years, and drinks way to much, although she is finally off heroin. She is realizing that she is nearing her limits, but her manager has $3M worth of concert dates already booked. The film builds toward a concert in her home town that is very important to her, as she wants to return home triumphant. Meanwhile, she has found true love, or at least great sex and a willing arm to lean on in a chauffeur/AWOL soldier.

Midler shows cleavage and pokies on and off through the entire film, and may show the top edge of a nipple. IMDB has this at 6.6 of 10. Oscar nominations included Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Sound, and Editing. It also won Golden Globes for Midler and the song, the Rose. DP was Vilmos Zsigmond, who did his usual outstanding job. The film was a little long at 125 min, and while it is a very well made film, it is one of those that is hard for me to watch, for the same reason that I usually don't enjoy drugs suck films. I probably admired it this time through more than I did on VHS, as the DVD did justice to Zsigmond's camera work. This is a C+, a superior genre effort, and rather daring for its time, but, ultimately, a story with a self destructive leading character that we root for, but who doesn't survive. This was Midler's first acting job, and I agree with Rydell, she was the ideal choice for this role.

The Omega Man (1971):

The Omega Man is part of a famous sub-genre in S/F films: Charlton Heston post-apocalyptic movies made between 1968 and 1973. Those movies were Chuck's specialty during that period:

• (7.79) - Planet of the Apes (1968)
• (6.69) - Soylent Green (1973)
• (6.30) - The Omega Man (1971)
• (5.71) - Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) (small part)

This was the second major film based on Richard Matheson's novel "I Am Legend". The first, The Last Man on Earth (1964), starred Vincent Price. The recent British film, 28 Days Later... (2002), does not give a credit to Matheson, but is essentially the same story as The Omega Man. Of course, if Matheson ever saw The Omega Man, he'd have to wonder why he was credited in that one. Neither 28 Days Later nor The Omega Man is really a faithful screen adaptation of Matheson's novel about vampirism, so it seems to me that the most interesting question to ask oneself is why 28 Days Later works as an atmospheric and chilling movie, while The Omega Man now appears incurably hokey to our modern eyes and ears, except for the very effective scene where Charlton hears the imaginary phone ringing.

Some key reasons:

1. Special effects. London really looks empty in 28 Days Later, but when Heston is driving through LA, we see people and vehicles moving in the background, we see working traffic lights, etc. Better still, Charlton Heston's body double is in several minutes of motorcycle chase footage, and looks nothing like Heston. It's a big wide-bodied guy with silver hair. Might have been Tip O'Neill.

2. Chatty zombies. The Omega Man script turned the Matheson's vampires into plague victims, which was OK, but also turned them into a religious cult with anti-technology beliefs. It ends up as Charlton Heston against the Albino Amish. The Nouveau Amish Blanc leader spends most of his screen time making Luddite speeches, as if he really wanted to get Heston's vote in the next Zombie election.

3. Sound track. Over the years, movie makers have really learned a lot about how to co-ordinate the sound track with the mood they seek to elicit. The musical score for The Omega Man, although haunting in spots, basically sounds like a TV theme song or the overture to a Broadway play. I kept waiting for the curtain to open on Gordon MacRae riding his horse, or Yul Brynner pacing about in his bare feet.

Or maybe for Bill Murray to come out and start singing the words:

Oh he's not the Beta Guy

Or the Theta Guy

He's the Omega Guy

....... and he's all alone

 

Oh, he don't wear L'Oreal

just seekin' an Omega Pal

and someday an Omega Gal

....... to call his own

 

maybe someday when the world is new

there'll be an Omega Baby, too.

so it can finally be true

....... when he hears that phone

 Most of the scenes in Omega Man would be better underscored with silence, or with natural noises ala Bergman or Tarkovsky,  or with modern horror techniques - like low, slow repetitious drumbeats (ala The Hole), or even with classic horror techniques like the sudden shrieking sounds in Psycho.

4. Story consistency.

• Heston has been living alone in the world for two years. Everyone else on earth is a zombie, as far as he knows. Yet he has fresh sausages and grapes on his table. Zombies running their own vineyards? Raising pigs? Or is he eating Soylent Green grapes and sausages?

• Heston spends every day trying to find where the zombies sleep in L.A. Even assuming they stay in one place permanently because they are too stupid to move, L.A. is a mighty big place for one guy to cover every floor of every building without even using elevators. Meanwhile, the zombies all come to Chuck's house every night, and he has an entire armory in his den. Yup, every night he knows exactly where they are, but instead of shooting them, he sits in his house, cooks himself dinner, and plays chess with an imaginary opponent represented by a bust of Caesar. During this time, he only shoots them if directly provoked. Here's a suggestion, Chuck. Tomorrow, during the day, get some grenades instead of looking for zombies. What the hell, get a friggin' tank! Tomorrow night, when the zombies come to your house, blast them to kingdom come.

• The zombies don't use any type of motorized vehicle. None at all. Remember, that is against their beliefs. But they appear at Chuck's house every night promptly after dusk. Therefore, their hideout must be within a block or two of his house, right? So why is he searching miles and miles across town.

• The power grid in L.A. seems to go on uninterrupted. At one point, the arc lights actually go on in the coliseum, frightening away the photosensitive zombies. Chuck asks his rescuer how she did that, and she answers, "oh, Dutch takes care of stuff like that". Chuck doesn't elect to ask Dutch. 'Tis a mystery.

And so forth.

I really liked the early part of the movie that was about Chuck's loneliness, madness, and isolation. That kept me going through the poor second half. It's really a shame that The Omega Man ended up such a cheesefest with preachy zombies and a bunch of additional humans to provide a hokey love interest. The first fifteen minutes are very good, with Chuck wandering through the empty streets, muttering to himself, trying to keep a grip on his sanity, watching movies he's seen so many times before, hearing a phone ring when there is no phone ringing, frightened when he sees that the sun is almost down and he's far from home.

• Rosalind Cash. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) The best thing about her second nude scene is that it is possibly the most gratuitous nudity ever seen in a mainstream film. Not only is it not necessary for her to be naked in that scene, but there is absolutely no reason for the entire scene to exist. The entire extra scene was written just to add some more nudity. That writer and director are our kinda guys.

A House of 1000 Corpses (2003):

House of 1000 Corpses is Rob Zombie's long-delayed homage to the nastiest splatterfest movies ever made, like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and some of the Herschell Gordon Lewis flicks. A group of condescending college kids end up in the hands of a bunch of inbred, insane, murderous freaks. The latter proceed to tear the former to bits. Rinse, repeat if necessary.

The film starts off with some offbeat style and humor. The first ten minutes are pretty funny, as the mandatory innocent kids visit a cheesy, macabre roadside attraction and ride the ghost train in a murder museum. The proprietor of the museum, a foul-mouthed clown played by Sid Haig, tells them about a local legend. The kids think it sounds really cool and have to check it out. That turns out to be a bad idea because the legend is true and they get dismembered, buried alive, skinned, tortured ... well, you get the idea.

By showing the cheesy false horror of the ghost train, the director is holding his nose and saying - my movie is not going to be like this, nosireebob. And then he proceeds to pull out all the stops. If the film has a hook, it is that it holds back nothing. Whatever grotesque mutilation can be imagined is actually portrayed on camera, and there isn't a lot of humor in the gore. It's just designed to shock with explicit, graphic, grotesque details.

I don't like this kind of entertainment, and most of you will share my distaste, but I noticed that it had pretty good reactions from the rating sites, a 3.5/4 from Arrow in the Head, and made quite a good profit. Obviously this genre has an audience. The film pulled in twelve million at the box despite a low budget, poor reviews, and distribution to no more than 850 screens. A sequel is already in the works, and the tentative plans call for a near-blockbuster 2,500 screen blitz.

Two distributors passed on this film before Zombie managed to get it to the public, but what can I tell you? When he got it out there, it sold.

• Sheri Moon (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Karen Murphy
• some of the 1000 corpses (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

OTHER CRAP:

• Joan Hart, April 1998 Playmate - gallery courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• COMEDY CENTRAL - Jon Stewart discusses "Fair and Balanced"
• CNN.com - Schwarzenegger already picking his cabinet. I wonder who Gallagher will be tapping as his key economic adviser.
• top 10 stores LEAST likely to be looted in the Northeast power blackout.
• Photographer Charged in Nude Diaz Case. Also on the same page is the sad news that Charles Bronson has been given only days to live.
• Here is a free gallery of Vida Guerra She is Shockey's girl. Shockey is the guy who called Bill Parcells "a homo"
• the Olsen Twins as they appear in RollingStone.com
• Jay Leno Invites 134 Calif. Recall Candidates on Show
• The 104 Funniest Films Ever, at least according to Reader's Digest
• Whatever happened to Erin Moran, little Joanie of Happy Days?? -- She's now known as the Queen Of The Fake Orgasm. -- just edging out Meg Ryan and Rex Reed.
• Why hasn't anyone been able to kill Saddam? Turns out he's immortal!. Involves Nebuchadnezzar, giant scopions and space aliens. Amazingly, it's not from Weekly World News
• Female Celebrity Tongue Pictures
• Trailer for the new version of Battlestar Galactica
• Love Baywatch? Miss it? Then you might plan a trip to Cairo for the new Eqyptian version
• On the "lighter" side - Wiffle Ball Celebrates 50th Anniversary

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Rena Riffel (1, 2, 3, 4)

More Darian Cane
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

From Ananova...
Anna Kournikova to be ambassador for "sex industry" resort

91-YEAR-OLD BANK ROBBER STRIKES AGAIN
It Keeps Me Young! - J.L. Hunter "Red" Rountree robbed a bank in Mississippi in 1988 on his 87th birthday and got probation because of his age. He did it again in Pensacola in 1999 and got three years, becoming the oldest person in the Florida prison system. Tuesday, he allegedly did it again. Police said the 91-year-old Rountree robbed a bank and made his getaway, but a witness got his license number and police pulled his car over a half hour later as he was on his way home.