Paradise (1982):

Phoebe Cates and Willie Aames play two young teens who are on a caravan between Baghdad and Damascus in the early 19th century. The caravan is attacked by marauders, and the two teens end up as the only survivors. Their escape does not please the Evil Arab Ransacking Dude, because he is a white slaver, and the main reason he attacked the caravan was to get Phoebe Cates in the first place. Of course, before he sells her, he plans to  ... well, you know.

The two teens miraculously live through their solo trek in the desert, and they eventually settle down and build magnificent living quarters out of palm fronds and dates. Evil Arab Ransacking Dude pursues them, and captures Cates, but Aames rescues her, and they run off to create an even more impressive camp out of sand and coconuts. This time they settle on the coast of the Mediterranean, which is no simple matter when one considers the precise route from Baghdad to Damascus. They learn about sex, they adopt a family of chimps, they encounter the Evil Arab Ransacking Dude again, and ...

Oh, who am I kidding? There is really only one reason for this film to exist - Phoebe Cates gets naked constantly. She showers naked under several different waterfalls, walks naked around their deluxe hut, swims naked near colorful coral reefs, bathes naked in lagoons, wades naked in the Mediterranean, has sex with Willie Aames ...

I guess some of you may also enjoy looking at Willie Aames naked. I know when I used to watch Aames and Van Patten in Eight is Enough, I'd think to myself, I gotta see willie and dick, if you catch my drift, but that was a deeply troubled time in my life. Strangely enough, my dream has been deferred once more, since Willie's willie has been digitally blurred in every scene on the Asian DVD I watched. IMDb says that this was simply done in the DVD mastering process.

Phoebe Cates certainly made an interesting, unique contribution to cinema nudity. Basically, she spent the entire year of 1982 naked (this film plus Fast Times at Ridgemont High), and then kept her clothes on for the rest of her career, which was only about a dozen years. Then she retired to raise a family, and hasn't really been seen on screen with or without clothing for a decade. So her entire collection of nude scenes was packed into a single year. But what a year! It is possible to argue that her nudity in this film is the all-time summit of celebrity nudity in film. She was 19 years old and as cute as a button, she looked even younger and sufficiently virginal to fulfill any man's schoolgirl fantasies (no wonder this film went to DVD in Japan before any other country!), her body was flawless and natural, and there was no tease. She showed everything again and again.

There is one other positive feature of this film: the locations and cinematography are interesting. The director found some beautiful locations in the desert, and the cinematographer did a great job on photographing them, as he did on photographing Phoebe.

The rest of the film? Well, the story is ridiculous and maudlin, and their co-stars are a family of chimps. The acting is terrible. The Arab guys are one-dimensional villains. Phoebe herself is simply not that good, but she seems like Siobhan McKenna compared to Willie Aames. Come to think of it, the chimps seemed like the Royal Shakespeare Company compared to Willie Aames. I notice that the distinguished thespian basically moved to Portland and packed up his entertainment career in 1986 or 87, except for a couple of Eight is Enough Reunion shows.

In 1999, he made a bit of a showbiz comeback by writing and directing and starring in Bible Man, "a Christian video series designed for children ages 3-9," who are presumably too young to criticize his acting. That series of videos then expanded into a Bibleman road show, which Aames starred in until 2003, when he announced that he would be stepping down from the part of Bibleman in the touring production in order to "spend more time with his family." I thought that meant "in his parents' basement," but IMDB has established that Aames and his second wife now live somewhere in rural Kansas.

Five film clips of Phoebe Cates: (All are zipped .wmvs)

• Phoebe tiptoes through the hut at night stark naked, intent on getting a peek at Willie's willie. 6 meg
• Phoebe showers under a waterfall. 16 meg
• Phoebe bathes at night in a tropical pool. 7 meg
• Phoebe splashes around in the surf, then swims. The camera moves underwater for her swimming scene. If this scene had been filmed in the noonday sun, I would have no trouble declaring it the greatest nudity in the history of film. Unfortunately, it wasn't.  24 meg.
• Phoebe and Aames swim around a coral reef in daylight. 17 meg.

 

 

Enemies, A Love Story (1989):

This movie is all but forgotten now, although it had three Oscar nominations in 1989 and even got some Best Picture buzz after Paul Mazursky was named Best Director of the year by the New York Film Critics.

Indeed, it's possible to construct an argument that Enemies: a Love Story should have won the Best Picture Oscar in 1989 because it is not at all unreasonable to say that it is a better film than the winner! Of course, the argument is a false one because even if you agree that Enemies is a better film than Driving Miss Daisy (debatable), it's impossible to argue that Driving Miss Daisy was really a deserving winner. Driving Miss Daisy may not be the worst film ever to win an Oscar, but then again it may be. It is certainly among the worst. (Here are my thoughts on that topic.)

1989 was one of those crazy years when the Academy got just about everything wrong with their award nominations. They nominated the wrong films, and from that diluted selection picked one of the weaker movies!

Winner:
	Driving Miss Daisy 7.4
Other Nominees:
	Born on the Fourth of July 7.0 Dead Poets Society 7.7 Field of Dreams 7.6 My Left Foot 7.6

There are currently nine other major 1989 films rated higher than Driving Miss Daisy. Five of them are rated higher than ALL of the Oscar nominees. In other words, it is very reasonable to argue that NONE of the Oscar nominees belonged on the list in hindsight. Certainly Glory and Henry V and Do the Right Thing should have been on the list of nominees, replacing Driving Miss Daisy, Field of Dreams, and Fourth of July. You could debate endlessly about the remaining two choices, because there are several to choose from, including the two actual nominees.

Nuovo cinema Paradiso	8.4
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade	8.1
Glory	8.1
Crimes and Misdemeanors	7.9
Henry V	7.9
Do the Right Thing	7.7
When Harry Met Sally...	7.6
Batman	7.5
Say Anything...	7.5

 

Enemies really isn't a legitimate candidate to be the best film of that year, but it is a very good film, of the type that the critics would call "carefully observed," with rich period details, clever but unobtrusive literary constructs, and fully developed characters. Many people had it on their Best Picture short list for an Oscar nomination, and it was nominated for a "best adapted screenplay" Oscar. Writer/director/actor Paul Mazursky actually received the New York Film critics award as the best director of 1989!

Tuna reviewed this some time ago, and said the following:

"Enemies: A Love Story (1989) is a character-driven drama about Holocaust survivors in post WW II New York, or maybe a character-driven comedy about a guy with three wives. It's complicated.

Herman (Ron Silver) is a Polish Jew who survived the war because their Catholic servant Yadwige (Margaret Sophie Stein) hid him in a barn. His wife Tamara (Anjelica Huston) was not so lucky, and was captured. When Herman heard of his wife's execution, he married his former servant out of a sense of obligation and brought her to live in Coney Island, where she dotes on him as if she were still his servant. Since his servant/wife reminds him of things he would rather forget, and seems to be a simple-minded peasant, he finds the passion in his life with Masha (Lena Olin), a concentration camp survivor. About the time Masha starts making noises about a wedding, Herman's first wife comes back from the dead. It seems the German bullets didn't actually kill her, so she feigned death, then sneaked out of a pile of corpses and escaped to Russia.

Spineless Herman therefore finds himself with three wives. Not surprisingly, he is an unhappy man. In order to find happiness with any of them, he would have to make some kind of a commitment, and he is not capable of that.

While performances from all four leads were outstanding, and this would generally be my kind of film, I couldn't really care for any of the major characters. Tamara was hardened and didn't really need anyone; Masha was conniving and self-serving; Yadwige was a doting, whining non-entity; and Herman was a spineless wimp. Only Alan King, as a sleazy rabbi, played a strong person."

I agree with Tuna's assessment of the four main characters in Enemies. It is not really possible to relate to any of them for the reasons he stated above. And yet the film works for me, even though it did not for Tuna, because I can easily identify with the plight of the trigamist. He thought his first wife had been killed by the Nazis, so he married the brave, simple-minded peasant girl who hid him from the Nazis and fed him for three years, while enduring physical hardships of her own to do so. He owed her everything, and he paid his debt fairly, resolving to care for her forever. And it wasn't such a bad deal. She was a sweet, warm and grateful person, and somewhat attractive, if unglamorous. She even became a Jew for him - a better Jew than he was!

 ... so if I had been in his shoes, I would have done the same thing and married her.

But there was a problem. She wasn't merely unsophisticated. She was so dumb that she couldn't even put her shoes on the correct feet.

... so I guess if I had been in her shoes, I would have been walking kinda funny.

He was an educated man who was curious about the world, so he sought a sophisticated woman as a mistress because he wanted the combination of  mental and physical companionship.

... so if I had been in his shoes, I would have done the same thing.

And then it turned out that his European wife survived the Nazi firing squad. He had no control over that, or over the fact that she found him seven years later. Something like that could have happened to any one of us who lived in those days, given the insanity of that war.

So what was he to do? The film places us in the situation, gets us thinking about what is right, and gets us curious about how Herman will escape his dilemma (trilemma?). I absolutely got involved in that, even though Ron Silver, as always, played the part as if he needed to be bitch-slapped. Silver's on-screen persona must rival James Spader's as the one who most deserves to be beaten severely about the head and face.

SPOILERS:

The film has a strange ending, but it is appropriate, if unsatisfying. When Herman will not commit to run away with the glamorous intellectual mistress because he can't abandon the peasant girl, the sexy mistress descends into mental illness and commits suicide. The peasant girl gets pregnant, and Herman deserts her. This would be heartbreaking, because she seems like the best human being in the film, and doesn't seem capable of taking care of herself, let alone her baby, but the commanding wife from Poland turns out to be tough and stalwart. The peasant girl had also been her servant back in Poland as well as Herman's, so they simply resume their old roles and raise the baby together. And Herman? He simply disappears. Even though this is his story and the entire film is seen through his eyes until the last five minutes, when the curtain finally falls nobody even knows where he is. He is absent from his own life story. That seems like sloppy writing until one considers it fully and realizes that it is only fitting because in a way he had really always been absent from his own life.

Here is a film clip of Lena Olin's nudity. (Zipped .wmv, 27 meg). Director Paul Mazursky was pleasuring himself over the fact that he shot it all in real time with a single camera. This is the kind of crap that directors say to impress other directors. Sokurov made a two-hour film a couple of years ago with one camera in one continuous shot, requiring only a single take. Who the fuck cares? The rest of us only care about the result, not the process. If it works, fine. Sometimes I'm curious about how they pulled something off, but I'm not more impressed by a single continuous shot than I am by a scene with two or three edits, just as I'm not more impressed with one of Tony Scott's crazy sequences with dozens of splices within a short time. If the edits tell the story better and more economically, then use the edits. If not, then not. A director who deliberately shoots a continuous pan just for the sake of doing so is just doing it for other directors. And if he brags about it in the commentary, you can be glad there is no video of him, because you just know he's masturbating.

Here are the Olin captures:

Lena Olin

 

OTHER CRAP:

It's August 15th, and you're on notice! Today's notes: Dewey, you bastard. When I was a boy, I had my whole life planned out, and then I found out somebody had already numbered all the books, and I had to make a whole new plan. Boo-Boo Bear. Sure, Yogi's little friend is all humble and polite and talks in the Joe Lieberman voice, but all of that can't hide one thing - he's a godless killing machine. "You do the math." This is what Bill Lumbergh would say at a staff meeting. So why is it on notice? You do the math. Kevin Smith's upcoming Aquaman 3. I don't know how Silent Bob managed to get permission from both Marvel and DC, but this must be the worst crossover ever. Aquaman from DC comics takes on Pope John Paul 2 from his Marvel appearance. The damned thing has two major problems: (1) it's exactly the same movie as Dogma; (2) the climactic scene is a rip-off. They are fighting in the steps of a Church, the strength of both men waning, and the whole thing depends on which one of them can get to the holy water first to replenish his powers. ABC Dance Show to feature Springer, A.C. Slater, and tutti-frutti TV "personality" Tucker Carlson Sulu roasts Captain Kirk Betty White recalls the time she and William Shatner had sex. Two minutes before the Roast started. That "pointy-eared pussy" Nimoy explains why he's not going to attend "douchebag" Shatner's roast Seven dwarfs more famous than Supreme Court Asked what planet Superman was from, 60 percent named the fictional planet Krypton, while only 37 percent knew that Mercury is the planet closest to the sun. Respondents were far more familiar with the Three Stooges -- Larry, Curly and Moe -- than the three branches of the U.S. government -- judicial, executive and legislative. Seventy-four percent identified the former, 42 percent the latter. Swedish pirate party launches world's first commercial darknet First review of Pan's Labyrinth (Guillermo del Toro's ambitious new film.)   Castro's birthday wish comes true. Here is the home page of Ursula Martinez. Before you mess with this page, be sure to catch her totally nude magic act (below). "She sets fire to her tits, interrogates her parents, re-defines class, blurs fiction with reality, cures homosexuals, gives birth to penises, tells autobiographical stories, deconstructs performance and sings South London suburban flamenco - from high brow to low brow, from spectacle to confessional, from live art to light entertainment, Ursula Martinez produces solo and collaborative performance for theatre, site-specific, installation, cabaret, night club, film, television…… birthdays, weddings and Bar Mitzvahs!" British entertainer Ursula Martinez: "Hanky Panky" act. She does a trick with a handkerchief while stripping and pulling faces like Molly Shannon. Totally nude - and wait'll you see the finale. "Orange you glad to be a Buc?" Who's a 99 this year? "Madden NFL 07: Rosters and Ratings. A full breakdown of every player in the NFL." Tip o' the day: If you plan to dump Carmen Electra, have a solid back-up plan Video: "Girl takes pic of herself every day for three years" Time-lapse pregnancy: a 9-month picture progression Cool! How to make a photoshop matte painting Kevin Smith discusses Aquaman 2 Ranking the Bobby D's Color photos of London in the late 1940s. Latino Review has an exclusive script review of Vin Diesel's Hitman Squirrel cuts power to 10,000 citizens LOHAN SENDS LETTER TO STALKER OVER STALKING ABSENCES Rumors have speculated that the stalker’s partying ways were what really caused him to miss several days of stalking. “You’ve been discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional,” wrote Lohan. “You’ve acted like a spoiled child whose lousy work ethic has cost me considerable damage.” CELEBRITIES GET PRE-ARREST MUG SHOTS “Great mug shots don’t happen by accident,” said photographer Annie Leibovitz. “Mel Gibson signed up for my service months before his arrest, but Nick Nolte didn’t. The advantage is obvious.” SCREECH GOES ON ANTI-SEMITIC RAMPAGE ... but fails to generate a response from Jewish community leaders. “We know about those remarks,” said Marvin Blau of the Jewish Defense Federation. “But it’s only that ‘Screech’ guy. If he didn’t say it to Mr. Belding, it’s not worth getting worked up about.” Diamond’s wife complained that her husband wasn’t being properly condemned in the media for his behavior. The trailer for Sleeping Dogs Lie, which was written and directed by Bobcat Goldthwait ComingSoon.net now has trailers, teasers and a clip from Day Watch (the sequel to Night Watch) The trailer for Saw 3 This is kind of an interesting interpretation of Deadwood: 'Deadwood' brings modern message to Wild West

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

Salome Stevenin

Fairuza Balk - nice, but not nekkid, in Don't Come Knocking.

This is not really a better version of that Kate Bosworth pic, but at least it doesn't have the writing across it.

Daryl Hannah in Summer Lovers.

Daryl Hannah and Valerie Quennessen in Summer Lovers.

Valerie Quennessen in Summer Lovers.

Emily Mortimer in Formula 51.

Australia's The Age newspaper reports that LaTrobe University researcher Chris Fox is doing a PhD thesis on penis size and its role in body image.  After interviewing men age 20 to 75, he found that most worried about their size at some time in their lives, even if it was perfectly normal; and that fears of having a small one affect some men's self-esteem so much, they can't enjoy sex.  But Fox said one surprising discovery is that a large penis "can compensate for other character flaws.  So you may not be the nicest person around, but if you have a big one, you'll tend to feel good about
yourself."


*  This explains the behavior of a lot of NBA players.


President Bush's spokesman said that during his vacation in Texas, Bush
read Albert Camus' existentialist novel "The Stranger," about a murderer's
questioning of the universe's indifference as he awaits execution

* Bush just liked the happy ending


Police in Butte, Montana, are investigating after the one-hit ("Come & Get
Your Love") 1970s band Redbone played a local fair, and it later turned out
the real Redbone was playing in Wisconsin and the Butte fair had been bilked by Redbone impersonators

* Redbone impersonators? Possibly the most pathetic job in show business

Paris Hilton's press agent had to take Paris to an E.R. late one night for
treatment and a tetanus shot after her pet kinkajou, Baby Luv, turned on her and took a bite out of her arm

* Mel Gibson made a sympathy call to Paris, and told her all the problems of the world were the fault of the kinkajous.