Frostbite (2005)

Elderly film master Ingmar Bergman has been making films in wintry climes for so many years, and yet he has never made a film about the tragedy of losing a loved one to extreme frostbite.

This, of course, is not it.

This is the usual "slobs versus snobs" film, remade for the 1000th time. As usual, the hero is a poor guy who gets a chance to cross over to the other side of the tracks, and maybe even get a rich girlfriend, until he finally realizes that he belongs with the sincere kind of down-home losers and stoners he grew up with. Eventually, as always happens in these films, the entire rivalry is to be settled by a competition in which the pathetic losers triumph over superior training and equipment by pulling off a last minute miracle. In this particular case, the competition is a downhill speed race on snowboards.

Although the slob-snob formula has provided the basis for some of the worst films ever made, Frostbite is near the bottom of that particular barrel. It is billed as a raunchy comedy, but it doesn't meet the genre standard for either nudity or laughs.

• The only funny moments come when the screen is filled with the non-stop nonsense and insult chatter of Phil Morris, whose character was the only great black skateboarder before he burned out. You may remember Morris from Seinfeld, where he played the sleazy lawyer Jackie Chiles as a pluperfect comedic riff on Johnnie Cochran.

• There is no nudity from any main characters, and the only flesh in sight is some brief topless exposure of pneumatic robo-hooters from background characters like "bar maid" and "hot tub girls."

The main actors not only fail to provide the nudity, but they fail to provide the best non-nude moments as well. Those were supplied by  footage of extreme snowboarding, which is either stock footage or stunt footage. The snowboarding was solid, and the editing was excellent, but this footage periodically interrupts the main flow of the film in cutaways which seem random and pointless except as scene transitions, and for durations which seem excessive.

Nikol Nesbitt

Suzanne Stokes

Buffy Tyler

Unknown

From the paparazzi today....here is Mischa Barton wearing a bikini on some beach somewhere in the world.

Mischa Barton

And here are some vidcaps of former Heffer, once and current pornstar and cosmetic surgery addict, Teri Weigel in an episode of Married With Children (season 2). This was Teri in her prime after one of the very few great-looking boob jobs in all of human history and before she went ape shit on us. She was a true babe.

Teri Weigel

Next...There used to be a saying around the Funhouse that when in doubt run more pictures of Mathilda May. Then it was Jennifer Connelly. Now? Well, I hope it is Eva Green, because somebody who should be canonized posted a mess of HDTV caps of Eva in The Dreamers. I cannot resist giving them a whack. Uh, different choice of words--I cannot resist working with them. Hear at the first two collages with more to follow in the near future.

Eva Green

Today we return to that B & W epic from 1967 "The Touch of Her Flesh". This was a Michael & Roberta Findlay production in the "Roughie" genre which was a hit in the old days on a sleazy Times Square for the raincoat crowd. This one was followed by two more flicks that became known as the "Flesh" trilogy.

First up is an actress billed only as Angelique, big boobs from her as she winds up fighting for her life with the killer.

Angelique

Suzanne Marre returns with more nice boobies and then trying to fight off the killer, it seems she loses her head to a saw, but thankfully that was done off Screen.

Suzanne Marre

Next is an unknown who strips naked but gets a blade to the stomach by our killer.

Unknown

"After Image"
Joe's problem is one too many dead people, so the burned-out crime photographer returns to the home of the aunt that raised him, to help her battle diabetes. Unfortunately, when he falls in love with the deaf-mute woman who helps care for his aunt, he is sucked back into the world of crime, because she has visions of impending murders before they happen.

The serial killer responsible for the current string of murders is aware of the couple, and stalks them even as the woman keeps seeing his newest victims before they are killed. This sets up the ultimate confrontation that brings this 2001 thriller to an end.

Every review of this movie was so positive that I expected a dynamite crime thriller. Unfortunately, I found it extremely confusing, and very slow moving. The acting was good. John Mellencamp did a decent job as Joe, and Terrylene was outstanding as the woman, but the story wandered all over the place and was often disconnected and confusing, so I can only consider it interesting but flawed.

Terrylene

Alba of course looks sexy in leather pants and chaps, while Carla Gugino and Jaime King fantastic in their topless scenees (especially King!). Rosario Dawson and Brittany Murphy join the party and show their fair share of cleavage.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

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• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

PORN REALLY DOES MAKE YOU BLIND
Site For Sore Eyes - Scientists at Yale say it's true: pornography can make you blind. It's called "emotion-induced blindness." They were studying rubber-necking, to see why drivers slow down as they pass a car wreck. They found that when people see gory images, their eyesight fails for two- to eight-tenths of a second because it takes the brain that long to process emotionally-stimulating images. The same was true with erotic images. So an erotic image on a billboard could blind a driver just long enough to make him cause an accident.

Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is tuna@scoopy.com

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