White Slave Virgins (2003 video) is another Lloyd Smandl Czechsploitation masterpiece available from the UK and Region 2 DVD. This one doesn't take place in the same old warehouse, doesn't have slave girls carrying rocks on their hand and knees, and stars a recognizable name, Rena Riffel. Rena lives in some war torn country, and sells firewood for a living, alone since her husband died. Three white Serb virgins, pursued by some military leader and all out asshole, hide in Riffel's home. She enslaves them, making them chop the wood. She also massabes their young nude bodies with lineament, and sleeps with each of them in turn. They also enjoy nude baths. Before it is over, and Riffel sells them into prostitution, we see everything from everyone. The three white virgins are played by Elena Tanchenko, Eva Nemeth and Lucie Haluzik.

The video is still awaiting 5 votes. Although it has lots of nudity in decent light, the sound track alternates between accordion beer garden music, and flute solos that nearly put me to sleep. Even worse, when they remastered the film for DVD, they squeezed a 16 x 9 frame into 4/3 fullscreen, turning everyone into toothpicks. This, without the format mistake, is a C, given Czechsploitation as the genre.

Out for a Kill (2003):

I think I can give you a pretty good idea whether you would like this movie. Here's a key scene. A bunch of Chinese gangsters enter a strip club in single file. They all line up near a wall, then turn and face the club, armed with various firearms. Standing in that very neat column, they blast away with their weapons for an impossibly long time, until every corner of the club and each of its customers is riddled with bullets. Then they turn silently 90 degrees toward the door, and march out in single file. The camera shows us that one customer is still alive, having survived by hiding behind a mini-stage. Unfortunately for the survivor, one of the Chinese gangsters returns to the room, and proceeds to blast him to bits.

There you have it. Filmed entertainment at its paragon.

If you haven't made up your mind yet, I guess I ought to tell you that the film was directed by Michael Oblowitz and stars Steven Seagal, whose career has been fully resuscitated in low budget straight-to-vid reductions of his earlier theatrical movies. As I write this, the big fella has three more movies in the pipeline, and seems to maintain a solid fan base on indeterminate size. Could you guess from the title that it was a Seagal film? He previously made films called Out for Justice and Hard to Kill.

Did I mention that Seagal plays an archeology professor with a Ph.D. in ancient Chinese civilizations? Sadly, Carrot Top and Anna Nicole Smith were not available to come to Paris to do their cameo appearances as Pierre and Marie Curie. Big Steve is one mighty tough schoolmarm, as he manages to waste not one member of the Chinese mob, but all of them, and perhaps 20% of the entire Chinese population in the process.

What else can you say? Except that the jumbo-sized martial artist is now approaching Brando proportions, and spends much of the the film wearing a muu-muu.

To be fair, there were some scenes in the film that looked pretty darned good. There are two frames in the movie page which demonstrate some competent filming as well as Seagal's current waistline and wardrobe. He looks OK when he can drape himself in the long coats, but that is not practical for the fight scenes.

Out for a Kill isn't all that bad for a straight-to-vid, assuming you have reasonable expectations of a Seagal movie. It is far better than the previous Oblowitz/Seagal collaboration, The Foreigner, which was a muddled and often incomprehensible jumble of bad dialogue and confused plot.  Out for a Kill is at least a minimally watchable genre film.

In fact, although there are no ratings at IMDB yet, I would guess that this film would probably be about equal to the films in the middle range of his career, as shown in the "Middle third" group in the IMDb rankings below. In the new milennium so far, Seagal has churned out one film in the "IMDb Worst 100 of All-time", and two others that are very close to membership in that notorious club. This film, therefore, in spite of its faults, must be considered a comeback, and his best since the watchable Exit Wounds.

Top third

1. (6.29) - Executive Decision (1996)
2. (6.19) - Under Siege (1992)
3. (5.73) - Get Bruce (1999)
4. (5.39) - Exit Wounds (2001)
5. (5.19) - Above the Law (1988)
6. (5.00) - Marked for Death (1990)

Middle third

1. (4.90) - Out for Justice (1991)
2. (4.90) - Under Siege 2  (1995)
3. (4.90) - Glimmer Man, The (1996)
4. (4.90) - Hard to Kill (1990)
5. (4.90) - My Giant (1998)

Bottom third

1. (4.32) - Fire Down Below (1997)
2. (4.13) - Patriot, The (1998/I)
3. (3.95) - Half Past Dead (2002)
4. (3.68) - Foreigner, The (2003)
5. (3.63) - On Deadly Ground (1994)
6. (3.48) - Ticker (2001)  (72nd worst of all time)

• Kata Dobo. She did a topless scene but the camera is not focused on her at the time.
• some stripper with store-bought assets (1, 2)

Scarlet & Black (1993):

Scarlet & Black is a BBC series made from a Stendhal novel. In other words, read my comments on Tipping the Velvet and The Camomile Lawn - same principle applies: you can look at titties in a guilt-free environment, guised in the comfortable cloak of distinguished period drama. You can even invite your wife and her sexy sister to watch with you, and they can look at Obi-Wan's light saber in the safety and comfort of your living room.

• Rachel Weisz
• The Borg Queen (Alice Krige) (1, 2)
   

Mulholland Falls (1996):

This Chinatown wannabe is a pretty good flick (here are my comments and Tuna's), but is still not available on Region 1 DVD, and is not available in a widescreen version in any Region.  I guess we don't care that much about the movie, except for three words:

• Jennifer Connelly topless (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Monica Cruz Paparazzi:

Additional topless paparazzi shots of Penelope Cruz's look-alike sister (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Shauna Sand Paparazzi:

Paparazzi shots of Shauna and Lorenzo Lamas. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

OTHER CRAP:

• Heather Kozar was the Playmate of the Year in 1999. Here's a free nude gallery from playboyplus.com
• Dick Cheney's "Bloggin in a Bunker - Dispatches from an Undisclosed Location". (It is actually written by High Times magazine.)
• A tribute to I Dream of Jeannie's Barbara Eden
• The success of ‘Chicago’ starts a flood of movie and TV musicals, thus indicating the opening of the First Seal, as foretold in Revelations.
• J-Lo and Affleck announce a wedding date, thus indicating the opening of the Second Seal.
• Fox injunction against Franken denied. Plus the judge in question suggested that Fox's trademark might not be valid in the first place. Plus Franken's book is holding down the #1 or #2 spot on the best-seller list, up from number zillion before the suit.
• "Kobe Bryant's accuser may be telling the truth. If so, terrible consequences may follow for him. Or, she may be lying. If so, the consequences for her will likely be slight. That asymmetry needs to be remedied". Interesting legal overview from FindLaw
• I guess these are now properly identified pics of Kobe Bryant's Accuser
• Madonna shows off some serious muscles
• The Space Elevator???
• IS Daryl Hannah losing her hair?
• Randy Mancho Man Savage raps! Here's an audio sample of his new album.
• short movie of Arnold Schwarzenegger firing up a doob and generally making faces like The Dude in The Big Lebowski
• Oslo replaces Tokyo as "World's Most Expensive City". True story. My dad visited me when I lived in Oslo. We were walking past a shop near Aker Brygge when he asked me to translate a sign. "Three suits for ninety dollars", I said, estimating the currency conversion. "That ain't a bad price", he responded, "so maybe I should get some while I'm here". I had the last word: "Dad, that isn't a clothing store. It's a dry cleaner". Think about this - they were advertising that in jumbo letters, so it was a mega super sale price. Can you imagine what the regular price is? The first time I ever got my suits cleaned in Oslo, I went to pick a bunch of them up, walking around with more than two hundred bucks in my wallet - and it wasn't enough to settle my bill! At one point I was actually calculating if it was cheaper to wait until I had ten suits to clean, then fly to Minneapolis for the weekend, get my suits cleaned, and fly back to Oslo. It wasn't cheaper, but it was damned close!
• All Europeans are stoned on cocaine every day from contact with their money. (Weekly World News) That does explain a lot of things. Like the alpenhorn, for example, and Italian political parties.
• British women saw they won't be busted for being bare-busted in Greece, and that they will continue to let their breasts roam free. Sing along with me , "Rule Britannia"
• Big-league Web wagering allows you to bet on little-league games. And you think little league parents are obnoxious now? What until they need to cover the spread.
• What can I tell ya? The Anna Kournikova Impact Level 3 Multiway Shock Absorber Bra. Yeah, not bad, but I'm waiting until the Level 4 comes out, or at least 3.1.
• News Photos - Slideshow - 'Animal House ' Anniversary.
• more about the new Tarantino splatterfest, Kill Bill, with pics

• Darla Slavens, Shelley Michelle, Teri Thompson and Wendi Westbrook all going topless in scenes from "Married People, Single Sex" (1993).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Sabine Karsenti
(1, 2)

Vikki Walker
(1, 2)

Scoop and Tuna both loved this movie (click here for their comments), but I just watched the recently released DVD of the the full version the other day and personally, I don't understand the appeal.

Perhaps it's a generation gap thing. For one thing, epic tales like this were made 'back in the day', but don't really exist anymore in today's short attention span movie making world. For another, the concept of gangs and organized crime have very different meanings for Gen-Xer's (or whatever people my age are called now). Our gangs pack Tech-9's, do drive-bys, wear plenty of bling, then get record deals and make millions. Besides, if you ask anyone my age about "the mob", we automatically think of Brando as the Godfather, and DeNiro and Pesci in shiny suits.

As for this movie...there were some scenes with great acting by Robert DeNiro and James Woods (along with some serious over-acting too), but as a whole, for me it was just long winded, slow and at times almost painfully dull.

GUBERNATORIAL TACOS
I'm For Huffington; Got Hungarian Goulash? - Taco Bells in California are allowing customers to buy a vote in a poll for governor. For their "Recall Election Taco Poll," between now and the election, every Beef Crunchy Taco purchased will be counted as a vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gray Davis will get a vote for every Chicken Soft Taco sold, and each Grilled Stuft Burrito sold will count as a vote for one of the 134 other candidates.